Adult son living with parents

[Anonymous]

My 22 years old son recently graduated from college with a 95k computer science job. He would like to live with us for at least 7 years so that he can save all of his income on buying a house and for international travel. Is this a good idea? Is it going to be a red flag for potential spouse?

[Anonymous]

Most women do not want to date guys who are living with their moms. Yes, it will hurt his dating life. I would encourage him to get his own place

[Anonymous]

I think 7 years is a long time to plan anything when you're 22. If you enjoy his company and he likes living with you I don't see anything wrong with it, though I think he should be spending some of his (very generous!) salary on household bills since utilities, food, toilet paper, etc. will all have higher usage with an extra person in the house, and he should do his fair share of keeping the home clean.

As for whether it will be a red flag for a potential spouse, I'd say yes for many people. I wouldn't want to marry someone who had never lived independently (a dorm during college doesn't count) because I wouldn't trust that they knew how to deal with home maintenance, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. and I wouldn't want to do those things for my spouse. I would also worry that he would want to spend all his time with his parents at the expense of doing things as a couple, with friends, or with my family.

[Anonymous]

This is not as much of a stigma as it has been in the past and the majority of people in their 20s live with their parents at this point.

That said, 7 years seems like a long time. I would recommend a shorter period to develop more independence--maybe 1-2 years. 95k should be plenty to save money on for a single guy.

[Anonymous]

7 years is a long time but a few years is ok. I'd have him go to graduate school. Smart kid to save.

[Anonymous]

Yes, because I suspect it won't really be 7 years. In a couple of years he'll probably decide to move out.

Let him stay. It's great that you have the kind of family relationship that makes him want to do this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have more than enough ourselves so he does not have to pay for anything. We still have about $150k in the bank for his graduate school. His goal is to have at least 400k in the bank before he strikes out on his own. We love him but 7 years is also too long for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, because I suspect it won't really be 7 years. In a couple of years he'll probably decide to move out.

Let him stay. It's great that you have the kind of family relationship that makes him want to do this.

+1. And he is smart to save money while it's still socially acceptable to live at home. He can also allocate the full amount to his 401k during what is left of 2020.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have more than enough ourselves so he does not have to pay for anything. We still have about $150k in the bank for his graduate school. His goal is to have at least 400k in the bank before he strikes out on his own. We love him but 7 years is also too long for us.

The goal is for him to learn how to budget and pay bills and develop a credit history.

Living with your parents for a few years, especially during a recession, is something potential partners will understand. A man who lives with his parents for 7 years rent-free with only work and travel and fun to think about is not a project I would want to take on, but lots of people on DCUM seem to have married for money and the chance to have kids and wound up with husbands like that, so it's not impossible he'll find a spouse.

[Anonymous]

I would not allow this. It's one thing if the kid is in graduate school, or working their way up at some entry level job with a $30k starting salary, but at $95k, he should get his own place. Yes, it will impact his ability to find a spouse, but much more than that, it will impact his ability to grow as a person and become a self-supporting adult.

I would tell him he's welcome to live with me while he settles in/finds a place/builds an emergency fund, but for a maximum of one year. I would also consider charging rent/utilities well below market rate ($300? $500?) AND make sure he's holding up his end of the household chores - cleaning, cooking, doing his own laundry for sure. I would also make sure that during that year, you're working on moving things over to his responsibility. Transferring him to his own phone plan, his own car insurance, etc, etc, so that at the end of the year, he's fully independent. But that can happen slowly.

Additionally, (and I saw this with friends) it's really easy to live with your parents with super low expenses to "save a ton" and save... but not a ton, and then have to drastically lower you standard of living when you're on your own. Ex: he makes $95k, after taxes he's taking home about $5k a month. His fixed expenses are small - car insurance, cell phone, maybe he chips in on groceries. Let's say $1k. He saves $2k a month, and has $2k spending money. Saving $2,000 a month, he feels great! He's saving sooo much. But he's also living in a world where he can blow tons of money on stupid crap. I don't get $2k in spending money a month, and I make double what he does. He should learn to live on what he makes NOW and save at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think he should get married by age 29?

Regardless, I would not agree to seven years. Tell him he can live with you for now, and if it's not working out you'll give him a month or two of notice he has to go. That's the best you can offer him. But I'd make it clear he needs to clean up after himself and contribute to the household in terms of cooking for the family, doing errands, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think 7 years is a long time to plan anything when you're 22. If you enjoy his company and he likes living with you I don't see anything wrong with it, though I think he should be spending some of his (very generous!) salary on household bills since utilities, food, toilet paper, etc. will all have higher usage with an extra person in the house, and he should do his fair share of keeping the home clean.

As for whether it will be a red flag for a potential spouse, I'd say yes for many people. I wouldn't want to marry someone who had never lived independently (a dorm during college doesn't count) because I wouldn't trust that they knew how to deal with home maintenance, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. and I wouldn't want to do those things for my spouse. I would also worry that he would want to spend all his time with his parents at the expense of doing things as a couple, with friends, or with my family.

This, a man choosing to live at home would make me think he just wants his mom to keep doing his laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have more than enough ourselves so he does not have to pay for anything. We still have about $150k in the bank for his graduate school. His goal is to have at least 400k in the bank before he strikes out on his own. We love him but 7 years is also too long for us.

So at almost 30 he would have never paid rent in his life?

[Anonymous]

Way too long. He can still save money by sharing a house with people his age and living frugally rather than renting an expensive apartment.

One of our kids lived at home for 2.5 years and while it was fine, and there were pluses to it, we were happy when he moved out on his own.

[Anonymous]

Tell him 7 years is too long. Give him a time frame of what works for you and how he needs to contribute to the household.
If not financially, are you okay with cooking, cleaning, him being out all night, or having women over? I could not live with my young adult son, because he wants to do as he pleases, and I don't want to see his hook ups as I'm trying to make my coffee.