Adult son living with parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, because I suspect it won't really be 7 years. In a couple of years he'll probably decide to move out.

Let him stay. It's great that you have the kind of family relationship that makes him want to do this.

This. It is a recession, pandemic and first job - so he is actually going about it the right way. He is setting himself up to succeed at work, saving money, having family around when the dating life is wrapped up with social distancing etc. Frankly, I don't think that he will want to continue to live with you once this pandemic is over or he is more settled in his job.

Now, since you have him with you, make sure that he is learning to live in the adult world - cooking, laundry, mending clothes, self care (exercise, nutrition, therapy if needed), taking care of his car, understanding how to save and invest etc. Most importantly, he needs to use this time to hone his professional skills, have some interests and make sure that he is not isolated but that he is actively meeting people his age.

I am actually fixing my house right now to convert my basement into an apartment for my kids who are in HS right now. If they want to continue living for some time rent-free after they graduate college, they have privacy and space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not allow this. It's one thing if the kid is in graduate school, or working their way up at some entry level job with a $30k starting salary, but at $95k, he should get his own place. Yes, it will impact his ability to find a spouse, but much more than that, it will impact his ability to grow as a person and become a self-supporting adult.

I would tell him he's welcome to live with me while he settles in/finds a place/builds an emergency fund, but for a maximum of one year. I would also consider charging rent/utilities well below market rate ($300? $500?) AND make sure he's holding up his end of the household chores - cleaning, cooking, doing his own laundry for sure. I would also make sure that during that year, you're working on moving things over to his responsibility. Transferring him to his own phone plan, his own car insurance, etc, etc, so that at the end of the year, he's fully independent. But that can happen slowly.

Additionally, (and I saw this with friends) it's really easy to live with your parents with super low expenses to "save a ton" and save... but not a ton, and then have to drastically lower you standard of living when you're on your own. Ex: he makes $95k, after taxes he's taking home about $5k a month. His fixed expenses are small - car insurance, cell phone, maybe he chips in on groceries. Let's say $1k. He saves $2k a month, and has $2k spending money. Saving $2,000 a month, he feels great! He's saving sooo much. But he's also living in a world where he can blow tons of money on stupid crap. I don't get $2k in spending money a month, and I make double what he does. He should learn to live on what he makes NOW and save at the same time.

This is a good point.

Finances are one of the most common issues people argue about. He could easily be in for a rude awakening when he has to move out and pay real expenses. He could end up blowing through his savings really fast and essentially make the time he spent living with you rent free a wash. The older he gets, the more difficult it will be. It’ll be extra stressful if he moves out to live with a fiancé/wife and blows all their discretionary money because he never needed to budget on his salary.

[Anonymous]

I moved in and out of my parents' house through my 20s. It's normal now.

[Anonymous]

My parents charged me money for rent and stuff when I lived with them. I stayed with them for 8 years after college. I was working as a consultant and was mostly on the road only coming home for the weekends. My dad actually invested all of that money for me and when I got married I had $450K and I was able to put that money towards buying our first home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 22 years old son recently graduated from college with a 95k computer science job. He would like to live with us for at least 7 years so that he can save all of his income on buying a house and for international travel. Is this a good idea? Is it going to be a red flag for potential spouse?

OH hell no. A grown ass man with a grown ass salary doesn't live at home. He's graduated from college and has a job, time to be an adult. Seriously, how is he going to learn the basics of adult life living at home? Honestly, I'd be embarrassed if I was you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:7 years is a long time but a few years is ok. I'd have him go to graduate school. Smart kid to save.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most women do not want to date guys who are living with their moms. Yes, it will hurt his dating life. I would encourage him to get his own place

There is a difference between a guy with no college degree and living at home Versus a guy with a degree living at home while saving and planning for his future. If a girl can’t see this difference , she can go ahead and move on. This Guy would be too good for her.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t date someone who lives at home. You’d also be depriving him of having those “lean years” when you’re broke and just starting out.

Why can’t he live with some fun roommates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have more than enough ourselves so he does not have to pay for anything.

That's not the point. He *needs* to pay for things, he needs the experience of paying for things, and doing household things on his own. These are intangible things that will help grow him up and make him ready for a mate. This should not be looked at only in financial terms.

So here is a compromise: He gets an apartment for two years, and then can come stay to save money. In those two years he will have truly learned how to be independent. If and when he comes back to live with you, he'll act differently because of it, and it will be easier for him to leave again.

Also, to a PP who says he won't stay, I don't agree. I know a few kids (all male, btw) that end up not leaving.

My friend's kid just turned 30 this week...still living with her, not paying rent, she does laundry, buys food, etc...it's pretty bad. Hard to kick him out because he doesn't have the skills to live on his own; he's been coddled too long. But he's managed to knock up TWO women. She's working like a dog at her job and as the homemaker, and he's got a busy social life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 22 years old son recently graduated from college with a 95k computer science job. He would like to live with us for at least 7 years so that he can save all of his income on buying a house and for international travel. Is this a good idea? Is it going to be a red flag for potential spouse?

My 23 y.o. With a slightly less income is living with us for a bit to save too. However, 7 years is too much time. Our son is working from home and hasn’t been able to establish an adult social network here yet as he graduated in Dec and started at the end of January. So, it works better for him to not have to be alone in an apartment all day and all night. I think up to 2 years in a normal time would be sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women do not want to date guys who are living with their moms. Yes, it will hurt his dating life. I would encourage him to get his own place

There is a difference between a guy with no college degree and living at home Versus a guy with a degree living at home while saving and planning for his future. If a girl can’t see this difference , she can go ahead and move on. This Guy would be too good for her.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 22 years old son recently graduated from college with a 95k computer science job. He would like to live with us for at least 7 years so that he can save all of his income on buying a house and for international travel. Is this a good idea? Is it going to be a red flag for potential spouse?

My 23 y.o. With a slightly less income is living with us for a bit to save too. However, 7 years is too much time. Our son is working from home and hasn’t been able to establish an adult social network here yet as he graduated in Dec and started at the end of January. So, it works better for him to not have to be alone in an apartment all day and all night. I think up to 2 years in a normal time would be sufficient.

I will add that our agreement is that he saves $3k a month (Deposited to his Fidelity brokerage account) above and beyond maxing out his 401k. It leaves him with about $1k a month to cover car expense, vacation and bits and bobs. He hasn’t spent much anyway because of Covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 22 years old son recently graduated from college with a 95k computer science job. He would like to live with us for at least 7 years so that he can save all of his income on buying a house and for international travel. Is this a good idea? Is it going to be a red flag for potential spouse?

I don’t think he’ll want to for 7 years! He’ll probably want to for 2 years at most. I don’t agree with making him pay rent if he makes $40k but If he has a high salary that’s differ

[Anonymous]

He should’ve lived at home during college if he wanted to save money.

[Anonymous]

Agree to 2 years abs have him contribute some fee to utilities and assist with grocery shopping, chores, do his own laundry, etc.

He can still create a good saving pattern and get some travel in!