My freshman is unhappy

[Anonymous]

Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

[Anonymous]

Have him talk to his RA, have him go to two or three clubs (even if it virtual) for at least three sessions. It will take time to acclimate.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a history of depression or mental illness? If so, then a call to the RA might be in order -- just to ask someone to keep an eye on him.

Other than that, just encourage him to keep a positive attitude and to give it more time. One week is nothing. First semester is a tough adjustment for a lot of kids, academically and socially. I would imagine it is even tougher in the time of COVID.

[Anonymous]

I felt that way for a while too. Just be sympathetic and update. Encourage him to join the clubs even if they are online.

[Anonymous]

One week? Give him a few months.

[Anonymous]

It's going to be hard for those freshmen who went to college bin person this year OP.

[Anonymous]

Let him know that these are really weird times. They DO have it harder than most, and it's hard for a lot of kids at first.

And maybe encourage him to go out for some walks. The exercise and fresh air can only help.

And yes, clubs!

[Anonymous]

Good lord. Let him be. Tell him to grow UP!

[Anonymous]

Many freshmen share his feelings. And this year it is probably worse. The school should be making extra efforts to engage them.

This video would be great to share with him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAUcoadqRlE

It is too early for you to call in the calvary (e.g., RA, someone to check on him), though I know how bad you feel. He will be strengthened and empowered by getting through this/solving it himself. Just be there to listen and encourage risks (in a social sense). He will adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Let him be. Tell him to grow UP!

+1 Less than a week?! Do not call the RA!

[Anonymous]

Loneliness is normal for first years even in non-Covid times. Not everyone experiences it but a non-significant number do. This year is much harder as the natural ways to find friends are muted--encourage him to do the virtual meetings etc even if they are boring, walk outside and go to any outdoor in person gatherings. If no history of mental illness/depression, probably fine to let coast a few weeks to find his groove. But if school has parent liaisons you could contact for advice on how to support (they may have specific ideas of opportunities).

I would consistently note that it's extra hard due to the pandemic--things will get easier as the schools figure out how to support social connections in this situation. It's good for him to feel like this is situational not something wrong with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

OP it will get better. That was me. Encourage him to keep trying. Is it that the classes are too hard or are they boring?

[Anonymous]

I felt this way too so my heart goes out to both you. Tell him to set a weekly standard and see if thing are getting better. Tell him to ask himself am I happier this week than last? Have my classes been better? Am I making a wider circle of friends or people I connect with? Each week he should get less lonely and his mood should be lighter if this school is right for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

Dear op,

You are not alone and neither is your son. My dd is also a Freshman and is totally miserable. We have decided to let her come home and do her classes remotely. The majority of her classes are remote and there is nothing fun to do as Covid makes this impossible. If there wasn't Covid I would tell you and my dd to give it time but, these are not normal times. I'm hoping that by Spring or Fall 2021 they both can have the college experience they want.

Good luck! Don't listen to those people who tell you to tell him to "suck it up" We need more compassion and support now more than ever.

[Anonymous]

Does the school have a parent Facebook group? I am not normally a Facebook fan, but the university parent group is actually helpful. You might find other parents are posting about the same issue and offering advice and resources specific to the school.