My freshman is unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

OP it will get better. That was me. Encourage him to keep trying. Is it that the classes are too hard or are they boring?

DP How do you know it will get better? It could get worse with Covid and flu.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all, OP here.

He says the classes are boring so far. I think it's only been day one of classes and some of his courseload probably is boring.

I know it's only been a week and I'm understanding and not panicked too badly. But he seems really upset. In the past, he has struggled with anxiety - I just don't want him to fall deeper.

Appreciate the advice - I will try to give it to him but he seems closed off to me except the one teary conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

OP it will get better. That was me. Encourage him to keep trying. Is it that the classes are too hard or are they boring?

DP How do you know it will get better? It could get worse with Covid and flu.

I have a magic 8 ball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all, OP here.

He says the classes are boring so far. I think it's only been day one of classes and some of his courseload probably is boring.

I know it's only been a week and I'm understanding and not panicked too badly. But he seems really upset. In the past, he has struggled with anxiety - I just don't want him to fall deeper.

Appreciate the advice - I will try to give it to him but he seems closed off to me except the one teary conversation.

I'm the pp with the dd we are bringing home. We are getting our money back for her dorm and food plan. float that by him and see if he wants to come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

Dear op,

You are not alone and neither is your son. My dd is also a Freshman and is totally miserable. We have decided to let her come home and do her classes remotely. The majority of her classes are remote and there is nothing fun to do as Covid makes this impossible. If there wasn't Covid I would tell you and my dd to give it time but, these are not normal times. I'm hoping that by Spring or Fall 2021 they both can have the college experience they want.

Good luck! Don't listen to those people who tell you to tell him to "suck it up" We need more compassion and support now more than ever.

I could not agree more. None of us have experienced anything like this and it can't be compared to first year experiences in other years. My child was very homesick last year as a first year without Covid. Things did get better as time went on, but I don't think the improvement would have happened with required Covid distancing. My heart goes out to these kids - missing out on the end of their senior high school year and now missing out on first year college activities. We need to support them in any way they need.

[Anonymous]

Is this a school where people room with and mostly hangout with their high school friends? That could be tough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

Dear op,

You are not alone and neither is your son. My dd is also a Freshman and is totally miserable. We have decided to let her come home and do her classes remotely. The majority of her classes are remote and there is nothing fun to do as Covid makes this impossible. If there wasn't Covid I would tell you and my dd to give it time but, these are not normal times. I'm hoping that by Spring or Fall 2021 they both can have the college experience they want.

Good luck! Don't listen to those people who tell you to tell him to "suck it up" We need more compassion and support now more than ever.

I could not agree more. None of us have experienced anything like this and it can't be compared to first year experiences in other years. My child was very homesick last year as a first year without Covid. Things did get better as time went on, but I don't think the improvement would have happened with required Covid distancing. My heart goes out to these kids - missing out on the end of their senior high school year and now missing out on first year college activities. We need to support them in any way they need.

Thank you, pp! My dd can't even get a hug from her RA because of social distancing! Everyone is wearing masks so it is hard to recognize people! Anything that would have distracted her from her loneliness is gone...for now.

[Anonymous]

Could you surprise him and have food delivered to his room? Maybe enough that he could share with hall mates? Might help him connect with others on his floor. Drop a letter in the mail with some of his favorite comics, articles from home paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all, OP here.

He says the classes are boring so far. I think it's only been day one of classes and some of his courseload probably is boring.

I know it's only been a week and I'm understanding and not panicked too badly. But he seems really upset. In the past, he has struggled with anxiety - I just don't want him to fall deeper.

Appreciate the advice - I will try to give it to him but he seems closed off to me except the one teary conversation.

I'm the pp with the dd we are bringing home. We are getting our money back for her dorm and food plan. float that by him and see if he wants to come home.

I'm seeing a lot of the same issues at my kid's school. The kids can't have friends visit their dorms and it seems a lot of the kids are sitting in their dorm rooms alone. This year is going to be so hard for freshmen.

[Anonymous]

OP, this really is a hard time. The things we would usually recommend won’t work at this time. I know how hard this is, my DS had a rocky start to college a few years ago. I’m sure others will disagree, but I told my DS needed to finish out the semester, then could come home if needed. He finished the 4 years and had a great experience. I think knowing he could come home made it more manageable for him. Good luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Let him be. Tell him to grow UP!

+1 Less than a week?! Do not call the RA!

Telling him to grow up shows a total lack of empathy. He probably went from a house with plenty of room, a backyard and family members to a small dorm room with a stranger who already had his own friends. It's harder to escape isolation in this time with COVID because you can just go to the gym, go to clubs, etc. When I joined new clubs in college a lot of times at the end I'd stay and talk with the people I just met or a group would walk out together talking. Now, everyone just likely just gets off the call. He needs to give it time, but this has nothing to do with growing up. It's a hard time for lots of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you surprise him and have food delivered to his room? Maybe enough that he could share with hall mates? Might help him connect with others on his floor. Drop a letter in the mail with some of his favorite comics, articles from home paper.

Shared food during a pandemic? Are you for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all, OP here.

He says the classes are boring so far. I think it's only been day one of classes and some of his courseload probably is boring.

I know it's only been a week and I'm understanding and not panicked too badly. But he seems really upset. In the past, he has struggled with anxiety - I just don't want him to fall deeper.

Appreciate the advice - I will try to give it to him but he seems closed off to me except the one teary conversation.

I'm the pp with the dd we are bringing home. We are getting our money back for her dorm and food plan. float that by him and see if he wants to come home.

This. The usual freshman activities where students usually meet really aren't feasible, unless they are living in self contained teams / pods or something.

Freshman classes usually start off slow, but faculty and staff are also probably worried this year and trying to plan for inevitable long distance instruction as well as current in person. You could advise ds to talk to the RA. But if it's still like this in a few weeks or a month, discuss whether he would like to come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you surprise him and have food delivered to his room? Maybe enough that he could share with hall mates? Might help him connect with others on his floor. Drop a letter in the mail with some of his favorite comics, articles from home paper.

Shared food during a pandemic? Are you for real?

PP probably means bags of popcorn or something

[Anonymous]

My kids are at small schools and they have gone out of their way to make sure their small orientation groups are getting together and not leaving anyone sitting alone. Lots of online stuff too (they did a scavenger hunt with every suite finding things in their own rooms for points and prizes) and hey meet for meals. I just don't think big schools can get that kind of activity together as easily but he needs to do everything offered.

And boring classes after one day should be taken with a grain of salt. Was high school never boring? He needs to buck up and give that a chance.