My freshman is unhappy

[Anonymous]

Suck it up. It will get better. Maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

I promise to be nice. But you need some tough love. Please do not intervene. Just listen to him, encourage him. And then keep encouraging. But DO NOT call the RA. This is very, very normal. And will pass.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. And my heart breaks for your DS. I don't think he should be forced to suck it up but one week might be too short of time to meet friends. My DD has been gone one week. She didn't mention at the time but told me later that she cried the the first 24 hours because she was so lonely. She knows no one and the kids are not allowed to go to other dorms. She liked her classes that just started and she now has hall mates that she grabs dinner with (to go and then eats outside). She now says she like it, people are friendly. Not loves, but likes, and has scheduled some gym classes. Give it one month and talk to your kid everyday to check in. This is hard but he owes it to himself to give it just a little time to see if it gets better after all he did to get to college! Remind him how lonely it is at home too with Covid. But after a month if he still hates it and has no friend, let me come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

Dear op,

You are not alone and neither is your son. My dd is also a Freshman and is totally miserable. We have decided to let her come home and do her classes remotely. The majority of her classes are remote and there is nothing fun to do as Covid makes this impossible. If there wasn't Covid I would tell you and my dd to give it time but, these are not normal times. I'm hoping that by Spring or Fall 2021 they both can have the college experience they want.

Good luck! Don't listen to those people who tell you to tell him to "suck it up" We need more compassion and support now more than ever.

I could not agree more. None of us have experienced anything like this and it can't be compared to first year experiences in other years. My child was very homesick last year as a first year without Covid. Things did get better as time went on, but I don't think the improvement would have happened with required Covid distancing. My heart goes out to these kids - missing out on the end of their senior high school year and now missing out on first year college activities. We need to support them in any way they need.

+1000

I've sent 3 kids away to college and 2 of them didn't hit it off with their roommates so it took a while for them to find a social group. And as OP said, it's so much harder without clubs, etc.
My one kid found his group by studying in the common room of the dorm - is that allowed?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP, he needs to get out of his room as much as possible In any way that is allowed. Exercise class on quad? Gym? Study room, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sending you and DS virtual hugs. Freshman first semester can be so hard even under normal circumstances and these are such abnormal times. I remember calling my parents almost nightly in tears, but the truth is I saved up my tears for them and got through the lonely first quarter pretty well. My parents would come take me to brunch on Sundays (although the RA didn’t like that; thought I should tough it out). Are you close enough to his school for a weekend visit? For me (and like your son. I was very independent) I missed my family and had many mixed feelings about growing up and away. But by the second semester I’d adjusted and found my tribe. No real advice except that you may want to visit him to do a Mom “mental health” check. If no real depression, I bet he’ll adjust and be good soon. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

My kid went thru this in non-covid times so coming home was not an option without dropping out. If my kid was going thru this now, I would give it another week or two and give him the option to come home and finish the semester online.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is such a hard time to be starting college.

Can he take classes remotely and come home? Where is his school? Honestly I don’t think this grand college experiment some schools are doing is all that bright. I wouldn’t be surprised if they shut down in a few weeks or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP, he needs to get out of his room as much as possible In any way that is allowed. Exercise class on quad? Gym? Study room, etc.

We are in the middle of a pandemic. Gyms are unsafe and study rooms are closed. This is a terrible time to be starting college and if he isn’t happy and if he can take his classes remotely, I think he should just come home. Next fall there will be plenty of kids who are “new” because many kids are staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid went thru this in non-covid times so coming home was not an option without dropping out. If my kid was going thru this now, I would give it another week or two and give him the option to come home and finish the semester online.

Honestly I wouldn’t wait. I would call him and tell him that if it weren’t for Covid, he should stay and stick it out. But because of Covid, if he wants to come home, that’s totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

Dear op,

You are not alone and neither is your son. My dd is also a Freshman and is totally miserable. We have decided to let her come home and do her classes remotely. The majority of her classes are remote and there is nothing fun to do as Covid makes this impossible. If there wasn't Covid I would tell you and my dd to give it time but, these are not normal times. I'm hoping that by Spring or Fall 2021 they both can have the college experience they want.

Good luck! Don't listen to those people who tell you to tell him to "suck it up" We need more compassion and support now more than ever.

I could not agree more. None of us have experienced anything like this and it can't be compared to first year experiences in other years. My child was very homesick last year as a first year without Covid. Things did get better as time went on, but I don't think the improvement would have happened with required Covid distancing. My heart goes out to these kids - missing out on the end of their senior high school year and now missing out on first year college activities. We need to support them in any way they need.

+1000

I've sent 3 kids away to college and 2 of them didn't hit it off with their roommates so it took a while for them to find a social group. And as OP said, it's so much harder without clubs, etc.
My one kid found his group by studying in the common room of the dorm - is that allowed?

I know it’s not allowed at the liberal arts college where my nephew is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you OP. And my heart breaks for your DS. I don't think he should be forced to suck it up but one week might be too short of time to meet friends. My DD has been gone one week. She didn't mention at the time but told me later that she cried the the first 24 hours because she was so lonely. She knows no one and the kids are not allowed to go to other dorms. She liked her classes that just started and she now has hall mates that she grabs dinner with (to go and then eats outside). She now says she like it, people are friendly. Not loves, but likes, and has scheduled some gym classes. Give it one month and talk to your kid everyday to check in. This is hard but he owes it to himself to give it just a little time to see if it gets better after all he did to get to college! Remind him how lonely it is at home too with Covid. But after a month if he still hates it and has no friend, let me come home.

What if over the course of the next month he catches Covid? I don’t think any parent should be forcing their kid to stay at College given the environment.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god, OP, do NOT call his RA.

I was an RA for three years of grad school. Parents do not call for things like this. The only time parents called me was on 9/11.

Except for the bizarre, neurotic foreign parent who didn't understand how college dorms work. She would talk at me for hours about her "child's" (the girl was two years younger than me) anxiety and kindergarten accomplishments.

All of the RAs, who are essentially kids who have undergone a week or two of team building exercises with the other RAs to train, gossip about the residents. The RAs have friends among the residents. Do not set your kid up for ridicule as the crybaby with the weird mom like this.

[Anonymous]

Tell him if he wants to switch a class or two, he can. Otherwise, tell him he needs to give himself more than a week. JUST a week is ridiculous. I'd basically give the "toughen up, kid - we're all depressed" speech.

[Anonymous]

One day of class and he is unhappy - this is more common as you can see from the previous posts. Most of society tells kids that college was the best time of their life. Overall, that is true, but often not the first month. Even in Covid times, I would think the school has offered some activities for kids to socialize. Has your DS participated? I would highly recommend that he give it a little more time.