My freshman is unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me figure out if or what I should do to help.

My DS has been at school for less than a week and is unhappy - he is telling me he is lonely, doesn't have friends and doesn't like his classes (first ones were today).

His roommate has other friends and leaves him out, it's hard to meet others given covid restrictions.

The school has various clubs but they are meeting virtually and I don't think he has enough to do. He cried to me on the phone last night - I think he expected to love it and is so upset that he does not.

I'm normally not a helicopter parent at all and my DS is very independent.

Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to call his RA behind his back and I'm not even sure how to do that - I never met the RA and have no idea who he or she is.

I would love to have someone check up on him but how could I even do that? I just don't want him to fall into a state of depression.

Maybe I should let him work it out on his own, but I'm also worried that it will get worse.

Any advice? Please be nice - he's my oldest and its hard to send a child away during this time.

Gosh, I feel for you. I think my child would be in the same boat. I would personally consider letting him study online at home until Covid passes and then trying again at the same school or transferring even. This is a terribly hard time to start college.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is when parents send care packages. Mail him some favorites from home.

Encourage him to get out of his room. Studying outside at a picnic table or on an lawn is great for meeting people.

[Anonymous]

Go pick him up so he’s not sad and has Covid too.

[Anonymous]

Outdoor activities (including outdoor and socially distanced studying in small groups) will help a lot of students get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Let him be. Tell him to grow UP!

+1 Less than a week?! Do not call the RA!

Absolutely not! This is not helpful. Encourage him to join a club that interests him and to get involved. Also tell him that every freshman feels this way, even his roommate. It seems like people already have friends, but nothing is established right now. Everyone is in the same position as he is. He will meet people, but it can take a while for true friendships to be established. He needs to work through this on his own. Don’t call the school. You can check in with him by phone. Give him some time. The school May end up sending him home due to COVID anyway

[Anonymous]

Oh noes, your kid has been unhappy for less than a week?!

OP this is the time for your kid to learn. Grow up, figure things out for themselves. Unhappiness happens in life sometimes - let them mature and deal with it.

Do NOT call the RA! DO NOT DO THIS! Stop micromanaging and leave him be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god, OP, do NOT call his RA.

I was an RA for three years of grad school. Parents do not call for things like this. The only time parents called me was on 9/11.

Except for the bizarre, neurotic foreign parent who didn't understand how college dorms work. She would talk at me for hours about her "child's" (the girl was two years younger than me) anxiety and kindergarten accomplishments.

All of the RAs, who are essentially kids who have undergone a week or two of team building exercises with the other RAs to train, gossip about the residents. The RAs have friends among the residents. Do not set your kid up for ridicule as the crybaby with the weird mom like this.

Don’t be the immature RA who gossips about students’ problems. Holy crap, is there no confidentiality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh noes, your kid has been unhappy for less than a week?!

OP this is the time for your kid to learn. Grow up, figure things out for themselves. Unhappiness happens in life sometimes - let them mature and deal with it.

Do NOT call the RA! DO NOT DO THIS! Stop micromanaging and leave him be!

This.

Perspective - it’s been 1 week.

College is 4 yrs out of a lifetime. Don’t rush to bring your kid home. And tell them not to rush to come home. Every thing sucks a bit at first. And the anxiety - come on - everyone has had some anxiety in the past and he might be having it now but it doesn’t mean he can’t get through.

Be sympathetic but be honest this is a do it yourself thing and you can’t fix it for him. He can do this. He can be alone and be ok. He can be lonely some days and be ok. Part of the struggle is that many kids have never experienced these emotions and the emotions scare them.

[Anonymous]

Is it likely his college will be sending kids home soon like UNC?

[Anonymous]

Agree with other PPs, don't rush to bring him home now. Do you think home will not be boring & lonely for him? This is a rotten situation for freshman (and others), but urge him to consider what his alnernatives would be now and to give school more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. Let him be. Tell him to grow UP!

+1 Less than a week?! Do not call the RA!

Absolutely not! This is not helpful. Encourage him to join a club that interests him and to get involved. Also tell him that every freshman feels this way, even his roommate. It seems like people already have friends, but nothing is established right now. Everyone is in the same position as he is. He will meet people, but it can take a while for true friendships to be established. He needs to work through this on his own. Don’t call the school. You can check in with him by phone. Give him some time. The school May end up sending him home due to COVID anyway

I have a better idea. Why don't you move in with your son OP. I am sure you can hid and "take care' of your baby until he is HAPPY!

[Anonymous]

I feel for the OP. The situation for this year's freshmen is crappy, and none of the usual solutions to loneliness works this year. If I'd been stuck in the moldy tiny dorm room my son had his first year, with limited chances to go out, I'd be depressed too.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the responses. Despite my post, I'm not really as crazy as you all think - I didn't call anyone and I haven't done anything.

I posted on an anonymous forum to get advice and thoughts. I think a lot of you have good suggestions - I agree with them, although not really giving them to my DS because he doesn't really want to talk about it.

Agree that it's an unusual year and situation and some of this might have happened anyway.

Think it's a good reminder that this year is different, even when things seem normal.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound crazy. You sound loving and normal.

Whatever you do, don't let DCUM dictate healthy family relations to you!

Hope that within the week, your boy has some good news to share.

[Anonymous]

hey OP - I just want to send you empathy. I don't know the answer about the best thing to do. I can tell you that last year my daughter spent her senior year of high school abroad and it got off to a very rocky start. She was absolutely miserable and, quite literally, on the other side of the planet. I felt helpless. I did worry for her mental health. She was very clear that she wanted to figure things out on her own and make the necessary changes to her situation without me getting involved so I let her do that. But it was also the hardest few months of my life, and while I value the growth that came from that experience it's okay to acknowledge how hard it is as a parent to hear your kid in distress. I hope things get better for your guy, this is a tough situation for college freshmen.