My freshman is unhappy

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why so many people seem to have the impression that every college kid will have to sit in their dorm rooms alone all semester. In most, if not all, parts of the country, the weather is pleasant enough right now to be outside all day if it is not raining. Sure, it is a little tougher to meet and talk to people with a mask on while you are trying to stay 6 feet away. But it is not impossible. Go for a walk. Kick around a ball. If you are staying inside your room all day, that is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a hard first semester, no friends, lonely. It was a character-building experience. We can’t swoop in and solve all our kid’s problems. I know covid makes things totally different, but just be a listening ear for him and ask him how he could change things. Don’t call his RA. Please

I agree with not calling the RA but your experience is not relevant to this situation. There are no activities going on and all their classes are zoom. They cant even eat in the caferteria and students are staying in the doom.

So dont talk about your experience because honestly you have no idea what kids are facing.

Okay sure, it’s different. Forget I brought up my experience. It sucks for them, big time. But come on, they’re not in the trenches of a war, watching their friends die on the battlefield. They’re not facing the gas chambers of the Holocaust or hiding in an attic for years like Anne Frank. They’re not living in a house with 3 other families sharing one bathroom because they can’t afford a bigger place for their family. If you swoop in and “rescue” these kids when life is uncomfortable and hard, they won’t be able to handle it themselves later. Life is hard. Life is unfair. Support them, help them if they’re in a mental health or physical crisis. But you can’t tell me that mom calling the RA after ONE week when life is different is going to help that kid grow as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a hard first semester, no friends, lonely. It was a character-building experience. We can’t swoop in and solve all our kid’s problems. I know covid makes things totally different, but just be a listening ear for him and ask him how he could change things. Don’t call his RA. Please

I agree with not calling the RA but your experience is not relevant to this situation. There are no activities going on and all their classes are zoom. They cant even eat in the caferteria and students are staying in the doom.

So dont talk about your experience because honestly you have no idea what kids are facing.

Okay sure, it’s different. Forget I brought up my experience. It sucks for them, big time. But come on, they’re not in the trenches of a war, watching their friends die on the battlefield. They’re not facing the gas chambers of the Holocaust or hiding in an attic for years like Anne Frank. They’re not living in a house with 3 other families sharing one bathroom because they can’t afford a bigger place for their family. If you swoop in and “rescue” these kids when life is uncomfortable and hard, they won’t be able to handle it themselves later. Life is hard. Life is unfair. Support them, help them if they’re in a mental health or physical crisis. But you can’t tell me that mom calling the RA after ONE week when life is different is going to help that kid grow as a person.

But they are paying and often going into debt for the privilege of this crappy experience. Parents and kids can consider whether it makes more sense in this case to save the R&B money and take the remote classes from home--lots of schools currently have penalty free releases from housing and meal contracts. Save the money to do something more impactful--move to a new city for an internship one summer, study abroad--or just have 6k less in debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a hard first semester, no friends, lonely. It was a character-building experience. We can’t swoop in and solve all our kid’s problems. I know covid makes things totally different, but just be a listening ear for him and ask him how he could change things. Don’t call his RA. Please

I agree with not calling the RA but your experience is not relevant to this situation. There are no activities going on and all their classes are zoom. They cant even eat in the caferteria and students are staying in the doom.

So dont talk about your experience because honestly you have no idea what kids are facing.

Okay sure, it’s different. Forget I brought up my experience. It sucks for them, big time. But come on, they’re not in the trenches of a war, watching their friends die on the battlefield. They’re not facing the gas chambers of the Holocaust or hiding in an attic for years like Anne Frank. They’re not living in a house with 3 other families sharing one bathroom because they can’t afford a bigger place for their family. If you swoop in and “rescue” these kids when life is uncomfortable and hard, they won’t be able to handle it themselves later. Life is hard. Life is unfair. Support them, help them if they’re in a mental health or physical crisis. But you can’t tell me that mom calling the RA after ONE week when life is different is going to help that kid grow as a person.

This is why I’m glad my freshman dd decided to stay home this semester. She is generally independent and has years to learn how to tough it out. That kind of experience is too miserable to spend $$$$ on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a hard first semester, no friends, lonely. It was a character-building experience. We can’t swoop in and solve all our kid’s problems. I know covid makes things totally different, but just be a listening ear for him and ask him how he could change things. Don’t call his RA. Please

I agree with not calling the RA but your experience is not relevant to this situation. There are no activities going on and all their classes are zoom. They cant even eat in the caferteria and students are staying in the doom.

So dont talk about your experience because honestly you have no idea what kids are facing.

Okay sure, it’s different. Forget I brought up my experience. It sucks for them, big time. But come on, they’re not in the trenches of a war, watching their friends die on the battlefield. They’re not facing the gas chambers of the Holocaust or hiding in an attic for years like Anne Frank. They’re not living in a house with 3 other families sharing one bathroom because they can’t afford a bigger place for their family. If you swoop in and “rescue” these kids when life is uncomfortable and hard, they won’t be able to handle it themselves later. Life is hard. Life is unfair. Support them, help them if they’re in a mental health or physical crisis. But you can’t tell me that mom calling the RA after ONE week when life is different is going to help that kid grow as a person.

+100. We all know this is hard on freshmen but parents need to stop with the end of the world whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a hard first semester, no friends, lonely. It was a character-building experience. We can’t swoop in and solve all our kid’s problems. I know covid makes things totally different, but just be a listening ear for him and ask him how he could change things. Don’t call his RA. Please

I agree with not calling the RA but your experience is not relevant to this situation. There are no activities going on and all their classes are zoom. They cant even eat in the caferteria and students are staying in the doom.

So dont talk about your experience because honestly you have no idea what kids are facing.

Okay sure, it’s different. Forget I brought up my experience. It sucks for them, big time. But come on, they’re not in the trenches of a war, watching their friends die on the battlefield. They’re not facing the gas chambers of the Holocaust or hiding in an attic for years like Anne Frank. They’re not living in a house with 3 other families sharing one bathroom because they can’t afford a bigger place for their family. If you swoop in and “rescue” these kids when life is uncomfortable and hard, they won’t be able to handle it themselves later. Life is hard. Life is unfair. Support them, help them if they’re in a mental health or physical crisis. But you can’t tell me that mom calling the RA after ONE week when life is different is going to help that kid grow as a person.

+100. We all know this is hard on freshmen but parents need to stop with the end of the world whining.

I haven't seen any "end of the world" whining--just rebuttals that the usual advice and "suck it up buttercup" stances don't apply to the same degree. What in this thread do you see as "end of the world whining?"

[Anonymous]

I think having an unfriendly roommate who actively excludes can be very damaging. If OP’s son’s roomie continues to be a jerk I would encourage her son to look into getting a new roommate. With so many students deciding to head home there are surely lots of newly singled students who would like a new roommate.

Also, encourage your son to seek out counseling services on campus if he starts feeling really sad. Bypass the RA. They aren’t mature enough to be helpful, typically.

And OP, take comfort in knowing your son was able and willing to confide in you. He’s a young man, let him know you’re there for him but that you also respect his need to deal with all of this himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should have stayed at home. Go and live in a small room you share with people that don't care and he does not know. And everything is closed. He needs to stay in the room the whole time, apart from getting food. Honestly, who can blame him? What is there to like right now? He switched a nice house, probably with his own room, to share space with strangers and the library is closed!
Have him come home.

No, you can't rescue your child every single time they have a negative emotion. This is what leads to poor coping skills. He is an adult. He can stay for 3 months and finish the semester. He can also look around and find ways to socialize. All changes and new environment suck a little bit at first. If he is lonely, tell him to Facetime you at night regularly for a half hour. He can get out and find a place to routinely get coffee or breakfast. He will be a regular pretty quick and it gives a little connection.

I guess you forgot about the pandemic, didn't you?

I mean right? Find ways to socialize? His roommate will get him sick. OP essentialy sent her kid away to share the air with a kid taking risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think having an unfriendly roommate who actively excludes can be very damaging. If OP’s son’s roomie continues to be a jerk I would encourage her son to look into getting a new roommate. With so many students deciding to head home there are surely lots of newly singled students who would like a new roommate.

Also, encourage your son to seek out counseling services on campus if he starts feeling really sad. Bypass the RA. They aren’t mature enough to be helpful, typically.

And OP, take comfort in knowing your son was able and willing to confide in you. He’s a young man, let him know you’re there for him but that you also respect his need to deal with all of this himself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a hard first semester, no friends, lonely. It was a character-building experience. We can’t swoop in and solve all our kid’s problems. I know covid makes things totally different, but just be a listening ear for him and ask him how he could change things. Don’t call his RA. Please

I agree with not calling the RA but your experience is not relevant to this situation. There are no activities going on and all their classes are zoom. They cant even eat in the caferteria and students are staying in the doom.

So dont talk about your experience because honestly you have no idea what kids are facing.

Okay sure, it’s different. Forget I brought up my experience. It sucks for them, big time. But come on, they’re not in the trenches of a war, watching their friends die on the battlefield. They’re not facing the gas chambers of the Holocaust or hiding in an attic for years like Anne Frank. They’re not living in a house with 3 other families sharing one bathroom because they can’t afford a bigger place for their family. If you swoop in and “rescue” these kids when life is uncomfortable and hard, they won’t be able to handle it themselves later. Life is hard. Life is unfair. Support them, help them if they’re in a mental health or physical crisis. But you can’t tell me that mom calling the RA after ONE week when life is different is going to help that kid grow as a person.

+100. We all know this is hard on freshmen but parents need to stop with the end of the world whining.

It's not end of the world whining. It's trying to decide whether being in the current on campus environment is worth it from a financial and emotional perspective. I think it's something that OP's kid should consider.

[Anonymous]

OP can you update us? I keep thinking about your post and your son so unhappy and the crummy roommate.

Is he doing better?

[Anonymous]

In Covid times, the normal freshman experience is not there. You cannot walk down you hallway with doors open. You cannot sit close enough to someone in class to talk to them. Virtual activities. A joke. Everyone is stressed over this. I'd seriously think about bringing him home. But, make sure he knows its because of covid and not him. Covid will result in more mental illness and deaths to our young people than would exist if they were to catch it. They are the ones that should be able to socialize rather than us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]So you can's draw lessons from anyone else's experience. [/b]

Got it.

These freshmen are suffering more than any generation before them.

Got it.

I think you parents need to take a breath.

This is correct because your experience is not relevant and Covid is a game changer. Sort of like pre-911 and after 911. Kids who normally would be lonely or sad would get over it with meeting friends and joining activities. Zooming over Improv club is not the same!

Your suggestions while well meaning are quaint and most likely can not be implemented. Again, we are not saying that our kids have it the worst in history but, if you brush aside the changes than you are gas lighting the experiences of college aged kids and their parents.

If you don't have any constructive information or are experiencing this right now please save your "advice" which is not helpful or needed.

We are not saying that this experience is worst than going to war, or being raped and killed BUT it is signifigant and gaslighting parents and kids iis not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should have stayed at home. Go and live in a small room you share with people that don't care and he does not know. And everything is closed. He needs to stay in the room the whole time, apart from getting food. Honestly, who can blame him? What is there to like right now? He switched a nice house, probably with his own room, to share space with strangers and the library is closed!
Have him come home.

No, you can't rescue your child every single time they have a negative emotion. This is what leads to poor coping skills. He is an adult. He can stay for 3 months and finish the semester. He can also look around and find ways to socialize. All changes and new environment suck a little bit at first. If he is lonely, tell him to Facetime you at night regularly for a half hour. He can get out and find a place to routinely get coffee or breakfast. He will be a regular pretty quick and it gives a little connection.

I guess you forgot about the pandemic, didn't you?

Not the PP, but what is it in that post that would be made impossible because of the pandemic? No reason you can’t go get coffee or breakfast. Kids can still get together outside.

COVID is the reason kids are not getting together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should have stayed at home. Go and live in a small room you share with people that don't care and he does not know. And everything is closed. He needs to stay in the room the whole time, apart from getting food. Honestly, who can blame him? What is there to like right now? He switched a nice house, probably with his own room, to share space with strangers and the library is closed!
Have him come home.

No, you can't rescue your child every single time they have a negative emotion. This is what leads to poor coping skills. He is an adult. He can stay for 3 months and finish the semester. He can also look around and find ways to socialize. All changes and new environment suck a little bit at first. If he is lonely, tell him to Facetime you at night regularly for a half hour. He can get out and find a place to routinely get coffee or breakfast. He will be a regular pretty quick and it gives a little connection.

I wouldn’t leave a kid who’s suffering from major depression or drinking heavily to flounder on campus.

But we have idea what the future holds. Maybe the future will look more like this than what we had. I think that figuring out how to cope with this situation and stay sane could be an important educational experience for some students, all on its own.