My freshman is unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hesitate to say who cares about the money, but still...one week is not enough time to decide you don’t like something. I would talk to your DS daily, go visit if needed, and most importantly, remind him he is not the only student that feels like this. He needs to seek out another kids, who are sitting alone in the dining hall, and say “Do you mind if I sit here?” Of course this is hard, but at the end of 4 years, and your child gets a job in a new city, you can reference this time and it will give him confidence going forward. Good luck OP.

NP. There is no “dining hall” this year. It’s clear none of you have freshmen this year.

Don’t be rude.

My freshman’s dining hall is open. Plenty of kids were socializing with masks.

You really don’t have to bum out each thread and make it about Covid.

[Anonymous]

Dining hall poster here. You people put me in my place! Instead of my first horrible thought, what about talking to kids on your floor or is that not permitted either? You can’t expect your roommate to organize your social calendar ( however limited that might be during Covid). All I am saying is that you have to put yourself out there, introduce yourself, etc.

[Anonymous]

Families think the goal is the get into the best college you can, regardless of location. What they don't realize is that sometimes fitting into a new place is hard, made even more so by the fact that family is a plane ride away and they're not going home until Thanksgiving. I'm glad your son was honest and told you how he was feeling. Imagine how many other kids swallow it down and suffer in silence because they can't find their crowd.

[Anonymous]

He should have stayed at home. Go and live in a small room you share with people that don't care and he does not know. And everything is closed. He needs to stay in the room the whole time, apart from getting food. Honestly, who can blame him? What is there to like right now? He switched a nice house, probably with his own room, to share space with strangers and the library is closed!
Have him come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should have stayed at home. Go and live in a small room you share with people that don't care and he does not know. And everything is closed. He needs to stay in the room the whole time, apart from getting food. Honestly, who can blame him? What is there to like right now? He switched a nice house, probably with his own room, to share space with strangers and the library is closed!
Have him come home.

I think this is part.of it. I was so thrilled to be able to use the giant shared bathroom anytime I wanted in a college dorm (parents had a one bath house) that I would have never wanted to come home.

With that said, this semester is much more challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hesitate to say who cares about the money, but still...one week is not enough time to decide you don’t like something. I would talk to your DS daily, go visit if needed, and most importantly, remind him he is not the only student that feels like this. He needs to seek out another kids, who are sitting alone in the dining hall, and say “Do you mind if I sit here?” Of course this is hard, but at the end of 4 years, and your child gets a job in a new city, you can reference this time and it will give him confidence going forward. Good luck OP.

NP. There is no “dining hall” this year. It’s clear none of you have freshmen this year.

Don’t be rude.

My freshman’s dining hall is open. Plenty of kids were socializing with masks.

You really don’t have to bum out each thread and make it about Covid.

So sorry to "bum you out" by saying (correctly) that the freshman experience now is NOTHING like all these rosy, dated proclamations of "He'll be fine! All freshman are lonely! I was when I went to college 20 years ago not during a pandemic. Just join some clubs and share food with friends!" posts that are totally irrelevant to the situation OP's son finds himself in.

[Anonymous]

Give it a few more weeks but you might want him to come home and do all his classes virtually. College shouldn’t be lonely. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree that these are not normal times. I think it's fine to let your son come home if that is what he wants to do. But if you can afford to lose your room and board money -- maybe ask him to give it a month. One month and then you and he will re-evaluate. Maybe knowing he is not stuck/trapped there will make him feel better and open him up to making some friends.

It is important (covid or not) to make as many friends as possible the first few weeks of school. Because everyone else is like your son -- and knows no-one.

I would push/encourage interaction outside. Does he play frisbee or like to toss a baseball around? Tennis? Gives others an opening to interact with him.

So hard to meet people when masked. No-one can see the smiles -- non-verbal cues are almost impossible to read. He should assume that anyone who is hanging alone outside is looking to make friends.

My only child went to college last year and during one of the parents orientation meeting I learned something that really stuck with me. Kids often sound HORRIBLE when talking to parents but are actually doing ok. You know, kids save all their sadness and worries with us. And because we are their parents and love them so much -- it just kills us.

Anyway OP best of luck to you and your DS. Tough times. Stay safe everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you can's draw lessons from anyone else's experience.

Got it.

These freshmen are suffering more than any generation before them.

Got it.

I think you parents need to take a breath.

As a professor, I would say this is the worst college fall for socializing I can imagine for US students in decades--not the worst suffering of any generational experience broadly. But that's a pretty big deal, especially given how much it costs and many of them will be endebted for this experience for at least 10 years after school. Glib, facile advice given to all first years is not terribly helpful. People thinking creatively through current conditions and offering advice is.

I would say look to make connections in his dorm where possible, eat outside his room in the outdoors as much as possible, if any face to face classes try and assert to connect. Go to corny virtual group meetings and socializing opportunities--the point is not to enjoy these, but to see a face that maybe you see in another context that you can say, weren't you at x. Go to office hours in classes. I know as a professor I have been more mindful of thinking about ways to have individuals in my virtual class get to know each other through break out rooms and telling them to exchange info with at least a few people, asking people who want to form study groups to put their names on a list to share with each other etc. Maybe some of his profs are doing the same?

Good luck to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you can's draw lessons from anyone else's experience.

Got it.

These freshmen are suffering more than any generation before them.

Got it.

I think you parents need to take a breath.

As a professor, I would say this is the worst college fall for socializing I can imagine for US students in decades--not the worst suffering of any generational experience broadly. But that's a pretty big deal, especially given how much it costs and many of them will be endebted for this experience for at least 10 years after school. Glib, facile advice given to all first years is not terribly helpful. People thinking creatively through current conditions and offering advice is.

I would say look to make connections in his dorm where possible, eat outside his room in the outdoors as much as possible, if any face to face classes try and assert to connect. Go to corny virtual group meetings and socializing opportunities--the point is not to enjoy these, but to see a face that maybe you see in another context that you can say, weren't you at x. Go to office hours in classes. I know as a professor I have been more mindful of thinking about ways to have individuals in my virtual class get to know each other through break out rooms and telling them to exchange info with at least a few people, asking people who want to form study groups to put their names on a list to share with each other etc. Maybe some of his profs are doing the same?

Good luck to him.

The comment you highlighted was not meant to be unsympathetic to current students. It was directed at the person who told the parent recalling how lonely they were as a freshman to shut up because they did not experience a pandemic in college. The parent meant to be helpful and share what worked for him. I thought the respondent was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Op here - Thanks for all the advice. I really did read it.

Yes, there is a dad in the picture, yes, he is concerned too and we agreed I wouldn't do anything like call the RA.

I appreciate the advice and empathy where given, and I agree it's a very unusual fall. He doesn't want to come home and he doesn't really want my input, which is fine.

Sympathy is needed for all these kids, in my opinion, and was just trying to get ideas about what I could do the help - I recognize not much is the answer, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be concerned or try.

Wishing everyone a good semester and hopefully they will all stay healthy enough to give it a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should have stayed at home. Go and live in a small room you share with people that don't care and he does not know. And everything is closed. He needs to stay in the room the whole time, apart from getting food. Honestly, who can blame him? What is there to like right now? He switched a nice house, probably with his own room, to share space with strangers and the library is closed!
Have him come home.

No, you can't rescue your child every single time they have a negative emotion. This is what leads to poor coping skills. He is an adult. He can stay for 3 months and finish the semester. He can also look around and find ways to socialize. All changes and new environment suck a little bit at first. If he is lonely, tell him to Facetime you at night regularly for a half hour. He can get out and find a place to routinely get coffee or breakfast. He will be a regular pretty quick and it gives a little connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should have stayed at home. Go and live in a small room you share with people that don't care and he does not know. And everything is closed. He needs to stay in the room the whole time, apart from getting food. Honestly, who can blame him? What is there to like right now? He switched a nice house, probably with his own room, to share space with strangers and the library is closed!
Have him come home.

No, you can't rescue your child every single time they have a negative emotion. This is what leads to poor coping skills. He is an adult. He can stay for 3 months and finish the semester. He can also look around and find ways to socialize. All changes and new environment suck a little bit at first. If he is lonely, tell him to Facetime you at night regularly for a half hour. He can get out and find a place to routinely get coffee or breakfast. He will be a regular pretty quick and it gives a little connection.

I guess you forgot about the pandemic, didn't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Thanks for all the advice. I really did read it.

Yes, there is a dad in the picture, yes, he is concerned too and we agreed I wouldn't do anything like call the RA.

I appreciate the advice and empathy where given, and I agree it's a very unusual fall. He doesn't want to come home and he doesn't really want my input, which is fine.

Sympathy is needed for all these kids, in my opinion, and was just trying to get ideas about what I could do the help - I recognize not much is the answer, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be concerned or try.

Wishing everyone a good semester and hopefully they will all stay healthy enough to give it a chance.

Congratulations on him not wanting to stay and not wanting your input. He will develop the skills to deal with this. It might not be as bad as it seems to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should have stayed at home. Go and live in a small room you share with people that don't care and he does not know. And everything is closed. He needs to stay in the room the whole time, apart from getting food. Honestly, who can blame him? What is there to like right now? He switched a nice house, probably with his own room, to share space with strangers and the library is closed!
Have him come home.

No, you can't rescue your child every single time they have a negative emotion. This is what leads to poor coping skills. He is an adult. He can stay for 3 months and finish the semester. He can also look around and find ways to socialize. All changes and new environment suck a little bit at first. If he is lonely, tell him to Facetime you at night regularly for a half hour. He can get out and find a place to routinely get coffee or breakfast. He will be a regular pretty quick and it gives a little connection.

I guess you forgot about the pandemic, didn't you?

Not the PP, but what is it in that post that would be made impossible because of the pandemic? No reason you can’t go get coffee or breakfast. Kids can still get together outside.