Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In general, I would say humans find it very difficult to sit with pain - their own or other’s, and so the mind works in mysterious ways and we tell ourselves and each other stories in order to move forward. Unfortunately, sometimes these stories do more damage than good over the long haul.

So smart. This also explains a lot of the OP-blaming behavior that goes on around DCUM--not just in this thread (in fact, I'd say far less of it in this thread than has been common in others).

The impulse to frame a situation in a way that defines it as unlikely to happen to you--and then move on to the next thing--is particularly strong in DC. I think it's partly because there are so many people here in the kinds of jobs where confronting the full weight of the human crises that occur in the course of the work they do would be psychologically unsustainable. It's an overdeveloped reflex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you have been cheated on, lied to and deceived the past 3 years, possibly more. Get tested for STIs. Remember you only know now because you stumbled upon this. He had no intention of telling you and kept this crap up for years. The tears are about getting caught. Not regret over what he has been doing.

I’ve been where you are now. It is hell. It will continue to be hell for awhile, but you will get through this.

Me too...he's sad he got caught. Get tested and get represented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the pandemic and lack of work travel the reason they stopped getting together. Would they have continued to see each other otherwise?

Excellent question!

[Anonymous]

OP, how's it going?

[Anonymous]

Hi, thanks for asking. I'm hanging in there. We had DH's grandma's services the last few days and I did go. His family has been extremely kind to me. My SIL is just a rockstar. My MIL pulled me aside and thanked me for coming and said she knows that it isn't easy on me to be here and that she appreciates the effort I put in to still support her during the loss of her mom. My FIL would just do little things like squeeze my hand or shoulder every time he walked by me. At one point, he asked if I can help him load flowers in to his car, but when we went outside he really just wanted to check on me and he gave me a huge hug. We did leave the post funeral luncheon pretty early because I was just done with small talk and fake smiles at that point. Last night, SIL and I intended to just go to dinner, but we ended up at a bar with live music after. We were out til 1am and we danced our little hearts out for 4 straight hours. I haven't done that in years and it was good for my soul. My thighs and calves are so sore today

DH is going to take the kids to visits with his extended family both sat and sun this weekend so I can just have a break. I've been "on" nonstop the last few days and haven't really had time to think.

Things I need to think through for the upcoming week:

-Our little one turns 2 next week. We had COVID on her first bday and I just want to do something special for her. She asked to go swimming for her birthday so I'm considering spending next weekend at Great Wolf Lodge. Not sure if it would be nice to go as a family and just focus on the kids or if I would be miserable in a hotel room with DH.

-DH has a business trip the first week of February. He told me he will do anything to make me feel comfortable that week. My knee jerk reaction is you are an adult and are going to do whatever you are going to do. My therapist suggested setting some boundaries like several text checks in, a call during lunch, and a FaceTime in the evening. But, honestly I'm just like I don't care. I don't have time to manage anything else let alone another adult. I have no interest in following him/checking up on him. That's just so unattractive to me like I have a 3rd child and honestly, the weeks he is gone I have so much on my plate already I don't even want to think about that. Have to think this trough a bit.

I told him I need cameras installed at the house before he goes. I'm still feeling uneasy about the OW's lack of response and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this is largely anxiety, but I need the cameras for some peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

^ just get ring doorbells installed on all entryway doors.

Much. much cheaper than a full camera system and very effective. You can set the range so you get a larger view of the sidewalk/street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, thanks for asking. I'm hanging in there. We had DH's grandma's services the last few days and I did go. His family has been extremely kind to me. My SIL is just a rockstar. My MIL pulled me aside and thanked me for coming and said she knows that it isn't easy on me to be here and that she appreciates the effort I put in to still support her during the loss of her mom. My FIL would just do little things like squeeze my hand or shoulder every time he walked by me. At one point, he asked if I can help him load flowers in to his car, but when we went outside he really just wanted to check on me and he gave me a huge hug. We did leave the post funeral luncheon pretty early because I was just done with small talk and fake smiles at that point. Last night, SIL and I intended to just go to dinner, but we ended up at a bar with live music after. We were out til 1am and we danced our little hearts out for 4 straight hours. I haven't done that in years and it was good for my soul. My thighs and calves are so sore today

DH is going to take the kids to visits with his extended family both sat and sun this weekend so I can just have a break. I've been "on" nonstop the last few days and haven't really had time to think.

Things I need to think through for the upcoming week:

-Our little one turns 2 next week. We had COVID on her first bday and I just want to do something special for her. She asked to go swimming for her birthday so I'm considering spending next weekend at Great Wolf Lodge. Not sure if it would be nice to go as a family and just focus on the kids or if I would be miserable in a hotel room with DH.

-DH has a business trip the first week of February. He told me he will do anything to make me feel comfortable that week. My knee jerk reaction is you are an adult and are going to do whatever you are going to do. My therapist suggested setting some boundaries like several text checks in, a call during lunch, and a FaceTime in the evening. But, honestly I'm just like I don't care. I don't have time to manage anything else let alone another adult. I have no interest in following him/checking up on him. That's just so unattractive to me like I have a 3rd child and honestly, the weeks he is gone I have so much on my plate already I don't even want to think about that. Have to think this trough a bit.

I told him I need cameras installed at the house before he goes. I'm still feeling uneasy about the OW's lack of response and am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this is largely anxiety, but I need the cameras for some peace of mind.

OP, I just want to validate your response here. I felt the same way about my now exDH. Prior to our relationship, I was not the jealous type at all, never imagined any partner would cheat let alone him, and just generally treated him like the adult I believed he was never asking him who he was with or what he was doing and just accepting at face value what he told me.

Part of the problem of the infidelity was not only I couldn’t trust him, but now I had another job - checking up on him - a job I had zero interest in. While on the surface it seems good that your DH is asking you what you need and trying to meet that, in reality, it is just adding to your mental load in the same way that a husband who asks you what household tasks need to be done instead of just doing them. I didn’t want to have to tell my then DH he needed to go to therapy, see the psychiatrist, stop drinking alcohol, disclose fully about the infidelity, show me the responses and contacts of the OW, explain to me why he did what he did, etc. I just wanted him to do that stuff on his own. In my mind it was the same as having to ask someone if they love you. If you didn’t know by their behavior and they didn’t say I love you until you asked, then it’s basically meaningless. Maybe that’s not a healthy response and a therapist would say explicit asking for what you need is healthy; I acknowledge that, but I still think it ignores the mental load problem that is in essence making you the cruise director. You thought it was obvious that he shouldn’t cheat and that you trusted him, but now you have to tell him not only not to cheat but all the things he should be doing to avoid cheating and how to rebuild your trust. It’s exhausting.

If I were you, I’d be really honest about this, saying explicitly that what you learned from finding out about his affair is that if he wants to cheat and keep it a secret from you, he’ll be able to find a way. Articulate to him that you don’t want the job of being his keeper. He is welcome to engage in any kind of behavior he wants to that he thinks will build your confidence that he is trustworthy and not engaging with other women - open emails, open phone, open bills, iPhone tracking, etc., sharing with you voluntarily what he is doing and who he is seeing, but not because it’s part of some confidence-building checklist you gave him - but because he is working to change the secretive person he was. It’s about who he is, not what you have told him you think he should do.

BTW, why is your therapist suggesting the calls and FaceTimes? Where is his therapist on this? He should be working with his therapist on ways he can reassure you given his past behavior, and he should be coming to you and proactively raising the issue of the work trip and asking you how you feel about it and sharing what he has found out with his therapist about ways in which his feelings during past work trips lead to his cheating. TBH, he should also be discussing with his therapist about the amount of work travel he does and whether the work travel presents a risk to his recovery (both drinking and alcohol) and if so should he consider addressing responsibilities at work or changing work. To emphasize - that is something a good therapist would be encouraging him to consider on his own without you, and then revealing his thoughts about work travel after he has understood it himself.

Also, I recognize that you are talking about the ILs because of the increased contact due to the funeral, but have you told anyone in your family yet? If not, why not?

Finally, don’t denigrate your desire for cameras - the OW threatened to contact MIL - she has demonstrated a willingness to confront family. You are not being “anxious” - you are being rational.

[Anonymous]

Op, I just wanted to suggest that great wolf lodge with a two year old might be too much for you and them. Not sure how old your kids are, but my kids would have been perfectly happy at a hotel with a nice indoor pool. Maybe you could plan it for during your H’s business trip that way he doesn’t have to be there? Or if you feel like he should, get adjoining bedrooms and have him sleep in one of them (once the kids are a sleep).

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I just wanted to suggest that great wolf lodge with a two year old might be too much for you and them. Not sure how old your kids are, but my kids would have been perfectly happy at a hotel with a nice indoor pool. Maybe you could plan it for during your H’s business trip that way he doesn’t have to be there? Or if you feel like he should, get adjoining bedrooms and have him sleep in one of them (once the kids are a sleep).

Just a thought.

DP and I also was thinking Great Wolf Lodge sounds too big a trip and too overwhelming--it's fun but noisy and crazy at times, added to the idea of being in a hotel at least one night with DH.

My suggestion is even more basic than a local hotel with swimming pool.

Especially since DD is only just turning two, even small things still seem like a big deal to her, right? The county recreation center indoor pools are open. I'd just take her to one of those, honestly. No overnight trip involved at all. Not sure where you live, OP (and I am not asking!!) but in the county where we live there are a couple of county rec center pools that are a bit special, like one with a "lazy river" and waterslides etc. -- all indoors. Maybe see if your area has a rec center like that and if so, make a special trip if ti's a bit far. But I'd ditch any thought of hotels or overnights and just take her to a nice rec center pool and then make a fuss with a special cake back home etc. Keep things simple. She won't remember Great Wolf Lodge for long anyway, if you do take her there, at this age.

Be sure to check up though on what's open when re: pools and be sure you're avoiding times when they're full up with swim teams or swim lessons. You don't want to turn up only to find the pool's shut for little kid lessons at one end and full of teens on swim team at the other end, etc.

I might leave the other child with DH so they can have special Dad-kid solo time, and take the birthday DD to swim all on my own. Less contact with DH for you is a bonus there, and each kid feels special getting alone time with one parent.

[Anonymous]

Op your DH’s family sounds amazing. I’m glad you are being treated well. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once DH told me he was going to tell his family, I did tell SIL and she was wonderfully supportive. I told her which day DH was planning in calling his brother and said I KNOW that I'm putting her in an awkward spot and no hard feelings on my end if she feels she has to tell her husband first. She didn't tell him. She overnighted a 2 page handwritten card.

Dh and I both felt it was just easiest if his family knows. We knew we had this week looming with tons of people in town and there's no way we could book this entire week end to end with visits, outings, dinners, let people stay here, etc. We were also in the midst of planning a family vacation with his family. His parents watch our youngest one day a week and I usually stay 30 mins at both drop off and pick up to catch up with them. DH may have to stay there at some point while we are figuring stuff out.

Honestly, maybe this is ridiculous but lying or being fake stresses me the F out. My coworkers give me sh-t because I can't even white lie to clients. If something is going on, I call them and talk through it. I just have zero interst of putting up a supportive wife front this week. I also couldn't not show up at his grandma's services and have my MIL think I'm not supporting her. She's been my second mom since I was 18.

MIL was angry at DH at first. FIL was softer and more positive about the future (as expected).

None of them have poked or proded other than to let us know they can help with extra childcare or other tasks if needed. FIL has sent me 3 really kind, encouraging messages since. MIL messaged me once to say that she's so sorry this is the situation and no matter what the result, the kids will always be priority and they're here for anything we may need to support that.

You have very classy inlaws. It's okay to leave or stay. It sounds like your husband's family is there to support your relationship and that's important in a marriage if you are going to survive this. It's still important if you divorce. I hope your family is just as supportive.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine what it would be like to have ILs who feel like a second set of parents. I am jealous

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been following your whole story and just wanted to send you my virtual support. I agree that your in-laws sound amazing and it's lucky that they are so supportive of you. I'm rooting for you, and to be honest, your marriage. I sincerely hope that DH does the work he needs to do in therapy and MC to make himself worthy of you. Wishing you peace and easier times ahead. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

If you are in Arlington-ish, there's an indoor waterpark owned by the county.

If you are in Alex-ish, there's an indoor water park in the St. James.

If you are in Fairfax, there's one there. Go west on 66 and I can't remember its name.

Good luck iwth everything and I hope you are soaking in a hot tub rather than reading this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH took the kids to spent the day with his family that's in town. I'm home alone, took a bath, and am not reading "Not Just Friends". I've already devoured over 150 pages. It's fantastic- highly recommend everyone to read who has been on either side of infidelity (or never wants to find themselves there).