S/O Has demanding sex ever actually worked for anyone?

[Anonymous]

Have you tried the anus? That’ll really spice things up, 96% of the time. We went from a zero anus-action couple to crazy amounts. Right up there, all the time. If you need advice on anus priming I can link some good resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman. I don't understand why women or men get married if they aren't willing to have sex. Just remain committed. Sex is really important. I don't thi k demand work but reading this post made me feel sad. OP you should not have been married.

OP here. Maybe I’m misunderstanding your post….but I *love* sex. It’s my favorite thing to do. I can go all night long and still be ready for more in the morning.

But I want to have sex with people who are kind to me and who I like. I don’t just want a warm body, I want sex with someone I can be vulnerable and intimate with. My xH was not a kind person and so I didn’t want sex with him.

I think this is a chicken and egg argument. I think he probably is unkind or not nice due to a lack of sex. I get really grumpy when I don't have sex. I notice my spouse and I are more amicable in general after relations. If he treats you bad and you are having sex with him then that is worth divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Just curious--do you and/or your DW utilize any marital aids? (that require batteries or cords). Personally, they changed my life. Whew. I first explored manually, but as a woman I had no idea what I was missing until I ventured out in my 20s into more 'adult' options. Sorry you are going through what you are going through. It is sad, but a lot of women are done a great disservice by society and their parents (and family) on so many levels. (Shaming as we develop, overattention to our developing bodies, weight, later comments about when/if/how we will get pregnant, etc.) It is a real mfcK. And to get through as woman unscathed, and to still want sex, seems a miracle.

Some women need to really take time and learn their bodies, learn what makes them feel good, learn every inch of their bodies, LOVE every inch of their bodies and almost make it homework. It is a process, and it will feel like 'work,' but the payoff can be amazing. Deep down, we have to decide that we deserve pleasure. Unfortunately some of us do not get real heart-to-heart talks about relationships, compromise, real intimacy, etc.

Yes, sometimes. Also, one of my efforts to bridge the gap was to share Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are" after I'd read it. I thought it had some good insights and asked my wife to read it. She read the first chapter or so, then never continued. So, that felt like a slap in the face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman. I don't understand why women or men get married if they aren't willing to have sex. Just remain committed. Sex is really important. I don't thi k demand work but reading this post made me feel sad. OP you should not have been married.

OP here. Maybe I’m misunderstanding your post….but I *love* sex. It’s my favorite thing to do. I can go all night long and still be ready for more in the morning.

But I want to have sex with people who are kind to me and who I like. I don’t just want a warm body, I want sex with someone I can be vulnerable and intimate with. My xH was not a kind person and so I didn’t want sex with him.

I think this is a chicken and egg argument. I think he probably is unkind or not nice due to a lack of sex. I get really grumpy when I don't have sex. I notice my spouse and I are more amicable in general after relations. If he treats you bad and you are having sex with him then that is worth divorcing.

That’s BS. Do you treat your boss poorly when you’re not getting laid because you’re “grumpy”? Are you a jerk on a first date because you haven’t had sex with her yet? My guess is that you’re able to control yourself.

And no, having sex regularly did not help. Made it worse, because he knew he could be a dick and still get laid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Just curious--do you and/or your DW utilize any marital aids? (that require batteries or cords). Personally, they changed my life. Whew. I first explored manually, but as a woman I had no idea what I was missing until I ventured out in my 20s into more 'adult' options. Sorry you are going through what you are going through. It is sad, but a lot of women are done a great disservice by society and their parents (and family) on so many levels. (Shaming as we develop, overattention to our developing bodies, weight, later comments about when/if/how we will get pregnant, etc.) It is a real mfcK. And to get through as woman unscathed, and to still want sex, seems a miracle.

Some women need to really take time and learn their bodies, learn what makes them feel good, learn every inch of their bodies, LOVE every inch of their bodies and almost make it homework. It is a process, and it will feel like 'work,' but the payoff can be amazing. Deep down, we have to decide that we deserve pleasure. Unfortunately some of us do not get real heart-to-heart talks about relationships, compromise, real intimacy, etc.

Yes, sometimes. Also, one of my efforts to bridge the gap was to share Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are" after I'd read it. I thought it had some good insights and asked my wife to read it. She read the first chapter or so, then never continued. So, that felt like a slap in the face.

I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman. I don't understand why women or men get married if they aren't willing to have sex. Just remain committed. Sex is really important. I don't thi k demand work but reading this post made me feel sad. OP you should not have been married.

OP here. Maybe I’m misunderstanding your post….but I *love* sex. It’s my favorite thing to do. I can go all night long and still be ready for more in the morning.

But I want to have sex with people who are kind to me and who I like. I don’t just want a warm body, I want sex with someone I can be vulnerable and intimate with. My xH was not a kind person and so I didn’t want sex with him.

I think this is a chicken and egg argument. I think he probably is unkind or not nice due to a lack of sex. I get really grumpy when I don't have sex. I notice my spouse and I are more amicable in general after relations. If he treats you bad and you are having sex with him then that is worth divorcing.

That’s BS. Do you treat your boss poorly when you’re not getting laid because you’re “grumpy”? Are you a jerk on a first date because you haven’t had sex with her yet? My guess is that you’re able to control yourself.

And no, having sex regularly did not help. Made it worse, because he knew he could be a dick and still get laid.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Just curious--do you and/or your DW utilize any marital aids? (that require batteries or cords). Personally, they changed my life. Whew. I first explored manually, but as a woman I had no idea what I was missing until I ventured out in my 20s into more 'adult' options. Sorry you are going through what you are going through. It is sad, but a lot of women are done a great disservice by society and their parents (and family) on so many levels. (Shaming as we develop, overattention to our developing bodies, weight, later comments about when/if/how we will get pregnant, etc.) It is a real mfcK. And to get through as woman unscathed, and to still want sex, seems a miracle.

Some women need to really take time and learn their bodies, learn what makes them feel good, learn every inch of their bodies, LOVE every inch of their bodies and almost make it homework. It is a process, and it will feel like 'work,' but the payoff can be amazing. Deep down, we have to decide that we deserve pleasure. Unfortunately some of us do not get real heart-to-heart talks about relationships, compromise, real intimacy, etc.

Yes, sometimes. Also, one of my efforts to bridge the gap was to share Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are" after I'd read it. I thought it had some good insights and asked my wife to read it. She read the first chapter or so, then never continued. So, that felt like a slap in the face.

I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

Oh but PP I read your prior comment about the book a while back and it reminded me that I should read it, and I’m reading it now and I am so glad! It’s amazing! This is really what sex education should be. So thanks for mentioning it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

Asking her to read a book with legitimately helpful information isn't being "pushy."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

Asking her to read a book with legitimately helpful information isn't being "pushy."

Is there a word for “pushy” that doesn’t have a negative connotation? That’s what I mean. It’s like giving an overweight person a treadmill. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it, and it might even be really helpful. But our unconscious (and the part of our brains that decide whether or not we want to have sex is unconscious) isn’t objective. With sex, all of us respond to stimuli that aren’t objectively sexual or not sexual.

Rational or not, if I knew my husband wanted sex and gave me that book, I don’t think make myself want sex, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to want sex. And with this kind of thing what matters isn’t right or wrong or rational or irrational, what matters is working with our biological and mental realities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

Asking her to read a book with legitimately helpful information isn't being "pushy."

Is there a word for “pushy” that doesn’t have a negative connotation? That’s what I mean. It’s like giving an overweight person a treadmill. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it, and it might even be really helpful. But our unconscious (and the part of our brains that decide whether or not we want to have sex is unconscious) isn’t objective. With sex, all of us respond to stimuli that aren’t objectively sexual or not sexual.

Rational or not, if I knew my husband wanted sex and gave me that book, I don’t think make myself want sex, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to want sex. And with this kind of thing what matters isn’t right or wrong or rational or irrational, what matters is working with our biological and mental realities.

That's very true. But the book - one that comes from a perspective that is very understanding of the low libido wife's point of view - is among the gentlest forms of trying to correct a libido gap one can think of. So, the alternative seems to be saying nothing and nothing changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

Asking her to read a book with legitimately helpful information isn't being "pushy."

Is there a word for “pushy” that doesn’t have a negative connotation? That’s what I mean. It’s like giving an overweight person a treadmill. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it, and it might even be really helpful. But our unconscious (and the part of our brains that decide whether or not we want to have sex is unconscious) isn’t objective. With sex, all of us respond to stimuli that aren’t objectively sexual or not sexual.

Rational or not, if I knew my husband wanted sex and gave me that book, I don’t think make myself want sex, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to want sex. And with this kind of thing what matters isn’t right or wrong or rational or irrational, what matters is working with our biological and mental realities.

That's very true. But the book - one that comes from a perspective that is very understanding of the low libido wife's point of view - is among the gentlest forms of trying to correct a libido gap one can think of. So, the alternative seems to be saying nothing and nothing changing.

My point is that I’m surprised PP would take his wife’s not wanting to read if so personally. The intro, the part that PP said his wife read, says:

“ “The information in this book will show you that whatever you’re experiencing in your sexuality—whether it’s challenges with arousal, desire, orgasm, pain, no sexual sensations—is the result of your sexual response mechanism functioning appropriately . . . in an inappropriate world. You are normal; it is the world around you that’s broken.”

In a later chapter the author discusses situations where some women cannot experience desire if they feel like they are expected to have sex.

This is just how some women are wired and it’s normal. Of course it’s disappointing but PP’s wife is not metaphorically slapping her husband in her face, according to the very book he wants her to read.

(Nagoski also spends a lot of time refuting the idea that sex is a need and she is vehemently opposed to the idea that women (or men) are obligated to have sex with their spouses, and that people should consent only to what they find pleasurable. So it doesn’t seem to me like she would think that giving your spouse her book as a way of solving her issue of lack of desire is a great idea. I am sure she has ideas for better options).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m *really* surprised you would take her lack of interest so personally after you read that book. It makes me wonder if you really internalized some of the most important parts. Remember how the author talks about how feeling obligated to have sex or feeling like your partner is being pushy is a common “brake” that women have? Giving your partner a book in the hopes that she would have more sex with you is definitely pressuring her to have sex. I am not surprised it didn’t work. Some women would obviously be okay with it but it’s totally natural that it would turn off a lot of women.

Asking her to read a book with legitimately helpful information isn't being "pushy."

Is there a word for “pushy” that doesn’t have a negative connotation? That’s what I mean. It’s like giving an overweight person a treadmill. Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it, and it might even be really helpful. But our unconscious (and the part of our brains that decide whether or not we want to have sex is unconscious) isn’t objective. With sex, all of us respond to stimuli that aren’t objectively sexual or not sexual.

Rational or not, if I knew my husband wanted sex and gave me that book, I don’t think make myself want sex, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to want sex. And with this kind of thing what matters isn’t right or wrong or rational or irrational, what matters is working with our biological and mental realities.

That's very true. But the book - one that comes from a perspective that is very understanding of the low libido wife's point of view - is among the gentlest forms of trying to correct a libido gap one can think of. So, the alternative seems to be saying nothing and nothing changing.

My point is that I’m surprised PP would take his wife’s not wanting to read if so personally. The intro, the part that PP said his wife read, says:

“ “The information in this book will show you that whatever you’re experiencing in your sexuality—whether it’s challenges with arousal, desire, orgasm, pain, no sexual sensations—is the result of your sexual response mechanism functioning appropriately . . . in an inappropriate world. You are normal; it is the world around you that’s broken.”

In a later chapter the author discusses situations where some women cannot experience desire if they feel like they are expected to have sex.

This is just how some women are wired and it’s normal. Of course it’s disappointing but PP’s wife is not metaphorically slapping her husband in her face, according to the very book he wants her to read.

(Nagoski also spends a lot of time refuting the idea that sex is a need and she is vehemently opposed to the idea that women (or men) are obligated to have sex with their spouses, and that people should consent only to what they find pleasurable. So it doesn’t seem to me like she would think that giving your spouse her book as a way of solving her issue of lack of desire is a great idea. I am sure she has ideas for better options).

Well, as you (or another PP) says, "Objectively, there is nothing wrong with it, and it might even be really helpful. But our unconscious (and the part of our brains that decide whether or not we want to have sex is unconscious) isn’t objective. With sex, all of us respond to stimuli that aren’t objectively sexual or not sexual." Taking personally the decision not to read the book isn't any less rational (or any more surprising) than the wife feeling pressured or decreased libido by being asked to read the book.

[Anonymous]

NP-if my husband demanded sex it would be a huge turnoff. I know that his frequency desires are greater than mine but at once or twice a week he seems quite happy especially if I periodically include a BJ for good measure!

[Anonymous]

Reading DCUM makes me want to bow down and kiss my wife's feet. We have sex 1-2 times a week. Touch wood!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not entitled to anyone’s body whether married or not. Never.

A spouse who denies their spouse sex should not have any expectations of sexual fidelity.