Why can't men [my DH] multitask????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every morning, I, a divorced dad with custody…
- get kids up and dressed
- make my breakfast and the kid breakfasts
- make the kids their lunch and pack it up
- feed the cats
- unload and load d/w
- scoop the litter box
- make kids put on sunblock
- take them to camp

And usually some other little things as well.

This is not hard. Not a big deal. Anyone can do this.

and this exactly shows that men can do it, but a lot of the times, they just choose not to.

My DH can do it, too.

It's a load of crock that men can't do it.

The only men I've ever spoken to who understand what most mothers do are gay men who are parents. They get it. There is no woman around who they can assume will pick up their slack. Most of the lesbian and gay parents I know have the most equitable parenting arrangement as their arrangements are less colored by what society has taught us what women should do and what men should do.

(I think divorced men with full custody know too, but I don't know anyone like that. Most divorced men I know are still putting a lot of work on their ex-wives or their current wife.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Sounds like a disability

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

Hiding in the bathroom on an iPhone ignoring his young kids in the morning. What a selfless Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m completely unable to multitask. I’m a woman.

But a lot of what you’re saying isn’t multitasking - it’s thoroughness. Wake up kid, check pull up, use potty, breakfast, get kid ready to go out the door. That’s all one thing at a time. The one thing that’s multi tasking is cleaning up as you go. I’m bad at that too. So when I hand kid off to other parent or he goes down for a nap, THEN I go back and clean up the dishes from the last meal.

Bottom line: don’t let this become “well, he can’t multitask.” Because then that turns this from “you need to do more” to “change something inate about yourself.” The former is a reasonable ask; the latter is not. If he can’t multitask, then he needs to do the dishes and prep the lunches at another time. YOU do not do either on his days to handle mornings. It’s time for a conversation about this, spelling out exactly what needs to get done as part of the morning shift, stating clearly that you’re not going to do this stuff on his days anymore. Then, you’ve got to let him fail. Yup. It’s going to go badly for probably a week. He hands daughter off to you. You say, “she’s not dressed” and hand her back. If he’s dropping her at school, let him forget lunch a couple times. Let the dishes from breakfast sit out all day. Guess he’ll have to figure that one out when he gets home.

It might take a week or two, but if you stop bailing him out and let natural consequences happen, he’ll learn work arounds. Like you said, none of this is rocket science.

And if natural consequences do not work and kids suffer more and kore, get divorced. He’s not husband, father or homeowner material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does one thing at a time and one thing only. Even if bringing something upstairs and passing 3 other things that need to go upstairs, he will ignore them. If cooking something, the kitchen is a disaster, because he follows every step of the recipe without cleaning up as he goes. I could go on and on, but just as OP, I view it as inefficient and unable to multi-task. And, after 24 years of marriage, he is not going to change.

What is the old saying? You cannot change other people's behavior, only your reaction to it. So, if there's something important to you that you're handing off to him, remind him, for example, Larla needs to be in bed by 7.

Exhausting. Pathetic. Unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to teach my 10 year old son to multitask, but he just can’t do it. Meanwhile my daughter at 7 can. I think there is some wiring issue at play. Or willpower. I dunno.

Or autism.

[Anonymous]

My husband used to be like this. Then he lost his job and continued to do a half-@ssed job at housework/taking care of the kids/etc while I busted my tail to pay the mortgage and he wasn't working. He seemed to think that we were going to keep doing housework/childcare 50/50 when he wasn't working. A few come-to-Jesus conversations and a pissed off wife changed his attitude pretty quickly.

He also has an actual ADHD diagnosis, but I don't care. He's a fully functional adult human being and I'm not earning all the money and doing half the household chores. Not. Gonna. Happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to teach my 10 year old son to multitask, but he just can’t do it. Meanwhile my daughter at 7 can. I think there is some wiring issue at play. Or willpower. I dunno.

Or autism.

Um, no. What an odd comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never met a man who is good at this. They seem to completely lack executive function in this regard, even if they are professionally successful. Obviously some of it is learned helplessness because they know someone else will pick up their slack, but I find them fairly disorganized as a group in general. My husband is also bad at grocery shopping, e.g., because he can't mentally plan ahead more than a couple of days. He also loses his sunglasses frequently. Meanwhile at work he manages multiple workstreams, dozens of junior employees, and multiple clients with no trouble.

Or his more junior employees and secretary do. Or who knows how many misunderstandings are happening internally and externally at the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

Are you saying men prioritize better and do things more thoroughly and to a higher quality than women? That is asinine. It's also really not happening in the OP's situation. Or do you think her DH must do such an amazing job at serving their child breakfast that it makes up for the setbacks he is causing with potty training and the other needs he is ignoring?

You mean someone who has the privilege of only focusing on one thing while dumping everything else on others does a better job at that one single things? Wow.

Love to see a dumb farmer or cave man try that and forget to plant the damn crops or get eaten by a saber tooth tiger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

Except this is absolutely untrue in my experience. My DH will NEVER choose the highest priority task unless it is the one he enjoys the most or is easiest. Like if the house is a mess, the kids need dinner, the trash is full, and one child is having a meltdown, he will choose that moment to do laundry. And he 100% does it so that if I ask for help with any of the other much more immediate needs, he can say "Oh, I'm folding this laundry now, sorry!"

Also, in most houses, there is simply no point to doing a childcare or household task *perfectly* as opposed to good enough. The kitchen doesn't have to be spotless, but the dishes need to go in the dishwasher. The kids don't need to be dressed in perfectly coordinated outfits, but they need to be sufficiently dressed to leave the house. Having a partner who is like "I will do one thing absolutely perfectly in the time you do 8 things in a somewhat half-assed fashion" is actually a huge problem. It means he does not know how to prioritize and also has perfectionism and process problems. If you want to make doing dishes in some elaborate way that gets them 10% cleaner than the fast way, do it on your own time. It's not an excuse for not helping with the other 40 things that need to be done. You don't get to be a subject matter expert in a family -- everyone has to be something of a generalist because there are simply too many different tasks to be completed.

My selfish one trick pony spouse also always picks the things with inanimate object, not kids or adults. Even then it’ll be done half assed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men would rather focus on 1 task (and the highest priority task at that) and complete it 100% with high quality rather than dilute focus on multiple tasks completing none of them at a satisfactory quality, if at all.

That doesn't work when there are multiple things that all need to get done at the same time. What would they do if they didn't have wives/partners to pick up their slack? Just not feed the kids dinner or put them to bed because they're on a work deadline and need to focus 100% on that?

Screens
Junk food
Sitters they never speak too.
Just general neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH and I'm able to wake up, workout (either lift weights or ride my bike), shower, dress my disabled son, brush our teeth, fix breakfast, supervise disabled son eating, get dressed for work (easy now WFH but dressed business casual pre-pandemic) put him on bus or drive to school and go to work myself.

I don't think gender has anything to do with it.

And what does your wife do during this time? Work early shift? Handle the other kids? Live elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every morning, I, a divorced dad with custody…
- get kids up and dressed
- make my breakfast and the kid breakfasts
- make the kids their lunch and pack it up
- feed the cats
- unload and load d/w
- scoop the litter box
- make kids put on sunblock
- take them to camp

And usually some other little things as well.

This is not hard. Not a big deal. Anyone can do this.

Curious if you did this when you were married or if it was a skill you developed when you had no other choice.

I sometimes consider going away for a week or something and just forcing DH to deal. It would be a big undertaking -- he'd have to either take time off from work or hire extra help because his work schedule makes it impossible for him to do morning drop off and evening pick up.

I think he'd be okay for the first day, then there would be some roadblocks (probably in the form of a recalcitrant toddler, his biggest parenting nemesis). Then it would be a total disaster for some period of time, and then he'd figure it out.

The only reason I haven't tried this is that I am genuinely worried about what the "total disaster" period would look like. Like maybe it would just be that the house is a wreck and he's late to everything and he and the kids are at odds (all acceptable). But I genuinely worry that he would just lose it and go for old school, corporal punishment. The thought scares me and keeps me from letting go. I really just don't know if he has the personal resources to get through a parenting crisis without totally giving up and letting his frustration and anger get the best of him.

Of course I did the same stuff when I was married. Divorce didn’t change the workload for me.

If you took a week off, he’d just let things go to hell, because he knows you’ll fix it all when you get back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

Ha! No. I’m surprised at all the women who truly believe their husbands are this helpless. He’s not pooping. He’s taking a 30 minute internet break. Maybe he watches an episode of a show or just waits until you’ve dealt with the crisisat hand.

These guys are probably shirking. But once a guy hits 50 or so, sometimes it takes 15 minutes to take a piss. You get most of it out and then there’s a little bit left. If you ignore it and get up, that piss will end up in your pants. You can’t just shake it out, it’s still in the bladder.

So you have to build that 15 minutes into your schedule - get up a bit earlier.