Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Here's the problem OP you seem to insist that your way is the only way of doing things.

No, I would not be into sharing milk if my family was using far less milk.

You want to ram on about being an adult, well adults take care of their own shit which includes feeding their kids and pouring their own wine. It seems cousin is telling you that she's fine with taking care of her own baby. So leave her to it.

It seems cousin is also fine with other people changing her baby’s shitty diapers. She’s a leech and a taker. Cut her out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

This is a really good approach. Try this, OP. (And the autocorrects are hilarious! 😂)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Here's the problem OP you seem to insist that your way is the only way of doing things.

No, I would not be into sharing milk if my family was using far less milk.

You want to ram on about being an adult, well adults take care of their own shit which includes feeding their kids and pouring their own wine. It seems cousin is telling you that she's fine with taking care of her own baby. So leave her to it.

Even when cousin is getting a free vacation? PP you sound like a nightmare friend too.

OP is getting a free vacation too. It;s not OP's house that her parents graciously let her use, and I doubt OP is showering her parents with extra gifts and money as a thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Here's the problem OP you seem to insist that your way is the only way of doing things.

No, I would not be into sharing milk if my family was using far less milk.

You want to ram on about being an adult, well adults take care of their own shit which includes feeding their kids and pouring their own wine. It seems cousin is telling you that she's fine with taking care of her own baby. So leave her to it.

It seems cousin is also fine with other people changing her baby’s shitty diapers. She’s a leech and a taker. Cut her out of your life.

OP is really mad that some people don't agree with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s splitting costs thank god.

Her DH is here as well but doesn’t take vacation from work so a lot of times we have to shush the kids bc he’s on a call and shoots us looks.

Her baby is 1. Then we have a 2, 3, 4, and 5 year old.

Holy shit OP, I’d have lost my shit

+1

Another example of poor communication on DCUM. After the first call, I would have said: " Joe it's unreasonable to expect the house to be silent with a house full of kids under 5. If you need that kind of silence you will need to get your work done the 2 hours we're at the beach every day, you are also welcome to use the back room that we will keep the kids away from but I cannot promise silence, or take your calls at your home." Then ignore all glares after that.

Exceptions would be made for the rare emergency call or if a child was being excessively loud for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

OP here. You have nailed part of the tension. She just moves in with us basically. This spring i broached her staying at her place and she was like “why would we do that? We’re here to see each other. Do you want to me to stay away?” And I was manipulated (my view) into backing down. I need to just get mean. But it’s still me drawing a line in the sand that “separates” her from the three amigo besties who grew up together.

“No, but we don’t have room for everyone to stay in this small house and you’re local, so…”

[Anonymous]

OP, read the title of your post. No way are you going to come out well just "disinviting" your cousin. Could cause a lot of family drama in fact.

Have a conversation about meals, see how she wants to handle them. Just watch your own kids. Don't expect her to help with your kids (and don't change her kid's diaper, let her or husband do it). How long do you stay together? Why are you doing laundry? Just make a new rule that everyone does their own laundry.

There is a distinct lack of conversation about husbands here. You and BF only have two kids each. That is one kid per adult. You really shouldn't need a bit of help managing your families.

If her husband is trying to work, don't be quieter. Be louder! He will get the message and go elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

+1 This is my question as well. Also, re the dinner spreadsheet. On the nights when she is scheduled to make dinner, why didn't you and your family simply go out OP? Same with the laundry. Why aren't your kids bringing you their dirty clothes to put into your hamper. Then you wash only your family's clothes. It seems like you are creating your own fair share of this drama.

[Anonymous]

I would call the cousin ASAP and debrief. I would focus on two things only:

1. Hey if your hubby needs to work next year, you guys likely just need to visit rather than stay the whole time. It isn’t fair to expect us to shush kids all the time on vacation.

2. Why didn’t you cook or order in on your assigned night? It seems like you just bailed on us. And listen to what she says.

Honestly, this sounds like a miserable vacation and I wouldn’t want to be around cousin. But you also sound intense and like you and your bestie have husbands that may suck as much as cousin does.

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that open communication could solve a lot of these problems. I understand op’s frustration, because these things shouldn’t need to be said. But clearly they do. I would be much more explicit about expectations, eg on dinner, and try one more time. Having a one-year old is also no picnic.

All these people saying you should only ever look after your own kids and never do anything to help out other people are weirdos who don’t understand the concept of community. Ignore them.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there may have been years where cousin was the only one without a kid. She was likely passively doing a lot of little things that helped during this time, that would not have been reciprocated. I wonder if cousin has felt like she has done a lot of “helping” during these vacations, when other people’s kids became a main focus of them. I suspect that she has decided to let you all build and manage your own whirlwind of activity and hang back. I say this as someone who starts to hang back when I am around families or friends who have a lot going on, and seem to want things to be done a certain way and I don’t want to either be swept up into their pace, or do things the “wrong way” and end up annoying or upsetting then. People who do a lot, don’t always realize that they are doing too much and expecting others to help them do too much.

I agree with PP who identified passive aggressive approaches on both sides. I also would love to know what all of this looked like to cousin. And I also don’t know why she needs to be topping off drinks for folks as a way of pitching in. If she is literally sitting around expecting to be served hand and foot every single year, it’s a problem. If she makes a small mess and is expecting to clean up a big family’s mess all day long every day, then it may not be fair to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Yes, I do think that your expectation of offering bananas is unreasonable. A new mother may not be thinking of bananas as snacks since her baby primarily eats milk and purées. I think it’s terrible of you to not show any empathy to your cousin, the new mom. Maybe she has PPD or is exhausted from being up with the baby? I’m not saying give her a free pass, but at least talk to her and explain your frustrations (and allow her to air any issues either with her personal life or the vacations) before you just cut her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suggest you talk to your cousin soon & tell her that it is very tiring for you having to bear the brunt of the cooking duties, housecleaning as well as the childcare for what is supposed to be a fun vacation.

If you can, stay tactful but make sure your point gets across loud + clear.
If she doesn’t agree to pitch in or doesn’t pitch in next year, then do not invite her.

But I would give her a chance to change first considering she IS family and you grew up together.

Good luck!

I agree with she should talk to he cousin first, but as part of her conversation, she needs to hear her cousin out and be willing to change things up too. If either of them are unwilling to compromise, then yes they should vacation seperately.

+1. You need to have a conversation, but be open to feedback as well and hopefully you can find a solution
that works for everyone

[Anonymous]

^ I also agree with a PP that OP and her BFF sound disorganized. It is not that difficult for 2 adults, let alone 4 (because I assume your DH’s are pitching in, right?) to get 4 kids ready for a beach outing. Have a checklist and execute! I have cousins who are chaotic like OP and her BFF, and I prefer to sit on the sidelines rather than get involved in the mess.

[Anonymous]

This is how family feuds start and how life-long rifts happen.

OP, be careful how you address your cousin as it may have impacts across your entire family including your parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents, other cousins, etc.

It will also impact YOU and your relationship with your cousin as there is no guarantee how your words will be received, no matter how kindly you try and deliver them.

This is a "family" home albeit your parents'. Your cousin is part of your extended family. You cannot ignore this important fact. She is your parents' niece.

You will really be stepping in it if you go to war with your cousin telling her she isn't welcome anymore, and yet your friend and her family will continue to enjoy vacations at the beach with you.

That will spread like wildfire throughout the family, "Oh, did you hear? OP wants her friend and family to visit but told Cousin Susy she was a slob and didn't help out so she wasn't welcome anymore."

I would not address this right now especially since you are still so pissed about it. You have plenty of time until next year to figure out if there may be something going on with your cousin (PPD? Marital issues? Financial issues?) and can then figure out how to address it a few months before next year's anticipated vacation.