Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:has your cousin always been lazy and selfish?

She’s always been like this but it’s been easy to not see when we’re just dealing with ourselves. So a lot of it is me getting my head around the idea that maybe she’s so awful and I was blinded by how much I just ride or die with my family.

That’s actually strangely sweet OP

[Anonymous]

I was ride or die too OP, and then my favorite cousin became a Q Anon person. I just can’t and you shouldn’t either.

[Anonymous]

Suggest she order pizza and make salad on her night. She should be able to accomplish one of these things. If she doesn't come through, take your own kids out for pizza! She could be going through PPD or similar; give her another chance next year when the baby is not so new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Um, no, she’s not responsible for doing all that for other people’s kids. Sorry.

How far away does she live? I think you should just tell her you think it’s too crowded with all the kids and say, but we’d love you to come over and hang out a few times!

Uhoh the cousin has entered the chat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Um, no, she’s not responsible for doing all that for other people’s kids. Sorry.

How far away does she live? I think you should just tell her you think it’s too crowded with all the kids and say, but we’d love you to come over and hang out a few times!

Do you really not help out kids who are related to you?

[Anonymous]

Send a message now following up on the week. Boy it’s a lot harder with the kids, etc. Suggest that if this tradition is to continue then you’re all going to have to make some changes to manage the kids, cleaning, cooking, etc. Ask them for input on what can happen to make it easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send a message now following up on the week. Boy it’s a lot harder with the kids, etc. Suggest that if this tradition is to continue then you’re all going to have to make some changes to manage the kids, cleaning, cooking, etc. Ask them for input on what can happen to make it easier.

This is good advice

[Anonymous]

Time for a frank discussion, OP. Please tell her now, while it's still fresh, that you're surprised she didn't cook on time on her nights, and doesn't pick up after herself and doesn't help out, like the others do. Also tell her that with everyone on vacation and kids being that young, it's not pleasant to have to shush everyone while her husband works, so it may be best if they drop in but don't spend the entire day at the house. That way, she don't be expected to help out that much, and her husband can work quietly at home.

Expect to be hate for a bit, OP, but there's no way around it. You've got to say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Um, no, she’s not responsible for doing all that for other people’s kids. Sorry.

How far away does she live? I think you should just tell her you think it’s too crowded with all the kids and say, but we’d love you to come over and hang out a few times!

I agree

The food thing seems legit. The husband working is a huge problem. Those alone are enough. Just say that the house is getting small, and it's rally hard to have someone working, and why don't they stay home and meet you at the beach a few days.

But you put your kid's sunblock on, and their own sun hat on, and ask them if they've peed, and get their own snacks and put your chairs in the car. You don't expect a mother of a baby to do those things for your kid. Maybe if there's a group of six year olds, one parent puts sunblock on everyone, but not in this situation.

[Anonymous]

This requires a phone conversation not a text or email. And if she gets defensive, that’s your answer for next year. And yes please do bring up that her husband has to work remotely from his own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

OP here. You have nailed part of the tension. She just moves in with us basically. This spring i broached her staying at her place and she was like “why would we do that? We’re here to see each other. Do you want to me to stay away?” And I was manipulated (my view) into backing down. I need to just get mean. But it’s still me drawing a line in the sand that “separates” her from the three amigo besties who grew up together.

You need boundaries. You currently are equating having boundaries with “being mean.” And being walked over and used as “being nice.” Go to therapy ans watch this problem disappear.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing cousin did all the stuff the cooking the snacks, sunblock, etc before she had her baby with not even a thanks from OP and her bestie and OP, and bestie played the new mom card lot. Now that Cousin has a baby she wants the same break but OP and bestie don't want to give it and are mad they no longer have their free childless babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Is she the friggin maid?
As for the kids you take care of your own kids unless it's a safety issue or an emergency.

Don;t wash her clothes give them back to her, and tell her she needs to do her own.

You are not her mom she can be on her phone as much as she likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

This. I'm curious to know how often OP and bestie are taking care of cousin's baby, Are they changing diapers and fixing bottles?

[Anonymous]

Why are you all trying to do this with kids? That just seems like a recipe for disaster. Just go kid-free.