Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

[Anonymous]

Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

[Anonymous]

The house is too small. Have her get her own place. Tell her this fall so she can figure out an alternative if she wants.

[Anonymous]

I need more details about the google spreadsheet and the cooking assignments. What happened when their meals came up on the schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

OP here. You have nailed part of the tension. She just moves in with us basically. This spring i broached her staying at her place and she was like “why would we do that? We’re here to see each other. Do you want to me to stay away?” And I was manipulated (my view) into backing down. I need to just get mean. But it’s still me drawing a line in the sand that “separates” her from the three amigo besties who grew up together.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would say something before ending the tradition.

Though having kids is the perfect excuse to change things up. You definitely don’t have to invite her next year—maybe a break would do all of you some good.

BTW how is the dynamic with your friend? Does she and her spouse pitch in?

[Anonymous]

Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need more details about the google spreadsheet and the cooking assignments. What happened when their meals came up on the schedule?

So BF and I filled out the dinners we were making and her nights remained blank. Day of, I said, ok what’s the plan. And she said I don’t know. Maybe we should grill? So I said great. DH was headed to the store so we added hotdogs and impossible burgers to the list. At 5pm she disappeared into her bedroom. We knocked and she said “out soon!” An hour before the kids’ bedtime we just fired up the grill and made dinner and set the table. Then she appeared to eat and then left again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

OP here. You have nailed part of the tension. She just moves in with us basically. This spring i broached her staying at her place and she was like “why would we do that? We’re here to see each other. Do you want to me to stay away?” And I was manipulated (my view) into backing down. I need to just get mean. But it’s still me drawing a line in the sand that “separates” her from the three amigo besties who grew up together.

Got it.
Honestly, I’d say something now while it’s all fresh and you’re motivated. Just tell her it’s not going to work for her to come to the house anymore. If she presses you, be straight with her: I’m really frustrated with your lack of pitching in with meals and clean-up.

You can do it. No one needs to spend their hard earned vacation time feeling resentment cleaning up after able-bodied adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would say something before ending the tradition.

Though having kids is the perfect excuse to change things up. You definitely don’t have to invite her next year—maybe a break would do all of you some good.

BTW how is the dynamic with your friend? Does she and her spouse pitch in?

Friend and I see eye to eye—vacation fun for all takes a team. Working with her this week has been a total joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need more details about the google spreadsheet and the cooking assignments. What happened when their meals came up on the schedule?

So BF and I filled out the dinners we were making and her nights remained blank. Day of, I said, ok what’s the plan. And she said I don’t know. Maybe we should grill? So I said great. DH was headed to the store so we added hotdogs and impossible burgers to the list. At 5pm she disappeared into her bedroom. We knocked and she said “out soon!” An hour before the kids’ bedtime we just fired up the grill and made dinner and set the table. Then she appeared to eat and then left again.

I'm trying to assume the best here--that she didn't look at the spreadsheet or understand the mechanics--is there any possibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

It sounds like you’re done with her.

You can say you need the house for the kids. She can visit a few nights next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

She is not responsible for your kids. Ignore her and just make food for you, BF and your kids and let her figure it out.