Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

I guess technically OP cannot invite a cousin on the trip. However, if OP was my daughter she's no longer have access to the house with her attitude..

Hi cousin!

Take your Tumblr and Baby Center logic elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Include your cousin. Lower your expectations. Order take out every night. Get a cleaning lady. Have husbands do the coolers and sunscreen. Relax.

That can't happen though because OP is very clearly a control freak, you know they can't have pizza or Chinese only a100% plant-based and organic chicken nuggets and burgers on with a serving of 5 vegetables for her kids. The husbands also probably pack the coolers and put on the sunscreen the wrong way so OP has to do it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest you talk to your cousin soon & tell her that it is very tiring for you having to bear the brunt of the cooking duties, housecleaning as well as the childcare for what is supposed to be a fun vacation.

If you can, stay tactful but make sure your point gets across loud + clear.
If she doesn’t agree to pitch in or doesn’t pitch in next year, then do not invite her.

But I would give her a chance to change first considering she IS family and you grew up together.

Good luck!

I agree with she should talk to he cousin first, but as part of her conversation, she needs to hear her cousin out and be willing to change things up too. If either of them are unwilling to compromise, then yes they should vacation seperately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have all been a guest in someone’s home. You help out to be a good guest, not because you love doing dishes. The cousin has no concept of this and a phone conversation will not correct her. Tell her now that next year will not be happening. Blame the ages of the kids, too chaotic, too many people, whatever. No specifics, just end it. Tell her you all can meet on the beach.

It's not OP's home it's her parents. I don't see anything about dishes. I suspect OP's issue is she's a major control freak and things have to be her way so if her cousin doesn't wash dishes right now or put her cup away right when OP thinks she should it's a problem. I agree as a guest you should be helpful, but a good host is also flexible.

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering how many years this cousin has been not pulling her weight, because by my math, this year she had a 1 y/o and a spouse who wasn’t on vacation (makes vacations more draining as the spouse) and last year she was either pregnant or had a newborn. Maybe she just sucks or maybe those are two tough years back to back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

OP is very clearly one of THOSE parents. It's obvious. Her disbelief (feigned) that people would want to do things differently is a dead giveaway. I think you should end the trips all together everyone will be much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s splitting costs thank god.

Her DH is here as well but doesn’t take vacation from work so a lot of times we have to shush the kids bc he’s on a call and shoots us looks.

Her baby is 1. Then we have a 2, 3, 4, and 5 year old.

Holy shit OP, I’d have lost my shit

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering how many years this cousin has been not pulling her weight, because by my math, this year she had a 1 y/o and a spouse who wasn’t on vacation (makes vacations more draining as the spouse) and last year she was either pregnant or had a newborn. Maybe she just sucks or maybe those are two tough years back to back.

Well OP expects her to do childcare and cleaning and no slack for those 2 things. Though I can promise you, OP and her BF were given slack for those things. I said it before, but I would love to hear the cousin's side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP don't you feel any ownership of this annual family event, and some pride in it? I'm sure your family looks up to you for making it happen every year, and your kids enjoys time together. It's not just like you all being in same space. You are putting on something special, and while you might not be hearing it enough as you deserve, I'm sure your cousin is thankful and really cherishes this time every year.

Cousin has her own place. No need to crash OP’s vacation full time.

It's all of their vacations. It's not OP's home. And unless Op's parents have given her total control of the space, I can see it becoming a situation where OP and her cousin fight over which week they will be allowed to use the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

OP is very clearly one of THOSE parents. It's obvious. Her disbelief (feigned) that people would want to do things differently is a dead giveaway. I think you should end the trips all together everyone will be much happier.

OP - Please ignore this ridiculous PP. "THOSE" people literally made me laugh out loud. My guess is that PP is also one of "those" people - just like your cousin - lazy, entitled, self centered and totally obtuse. I do agree with their conclusion. End the tradition of all staying in the same house. She can still see you at a scheduled meal outing, come to the beach, come over for a kids playdate or happy hour, but then take her family and stuff and go home to her own house. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No excuse comes to mind for refusing to make dinner on her night and then eating what was made as the last minute replacement.

She didn’t sign up for dinner—it was assigned to her.

If she was happy enough to eat the dinners cooked by the others on the other nights, then she was buying into the idea that they were taking turns. Hiding in your room and waiting it out until someone else finally makes dinner, on a night when it was your turn, is very crappy behavior. She sounds like an exploiter and an insensitive jerk.

Actually, she wasn't, but I suspect you suffer from the same poor communication skills as OP and her cousin. No one in this family appears to be able to have a conversation like an adult. It's passive-aggressive behavior and hurt feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Here's the problem OP you seem to insist that your way is the only way of doing things.

No, I would not be into sharing milk if my family was using far less milk.

You want to ram on about being an adult, well adults take care of their own shit which includes feeding their kids and pouring their own wine. It seems cousin is telling you that she's fine with taking care of her own baby. So leave her to it.

Even when cousin is getting a free vacation? PP you sound like a nightmare friend too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No excuse comes to mind for refusing to make dinner on her night and then eating what was made as the last minute replacement.

She didn’t sign up for dinner—it was assigned to her.

If she was happy enough to eat the dinners cooked by the others on the other nights, then she was buying into the idea that they were taking turns. Hiding in your room and waiting it out until someone else finally makes dinner, on a night when it was your turn, is very crappy behavior. She sounds like an exploiter and an insensitive jerk.

Actually, she wasn't, but I suspect you suffer from the same poor communication skills as OP and her cousin. No one in this family appears to be able to have a conversation like an adult. It's passive-aggressive behavior and hurt feelings.

If she wasn’t happy eating dinners cooked by others, she should not have eaten those dinners.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to commiserate, OP. That is really rough. I think PP’s suggestion about calling and asking what works for her and explaining you can’t do that again is the most productive and mature way to handle it. Not sure I could do it but maybe with your close history you can.

I invited very close friends to my parents’ lake house a long time ago. They were the same way and so we vowed never to vacation with them again off the bat. This long tradition of yours will be harder to break. It sucks but some people who are close to you are just not good vacation partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

OP is very clearly one of THOSE parents. It's obvious. Her disbelief (feigned) that people would want to do things differently is a dead giveaway. I think you should end the trips all together everyone will be much happier.

OP - Please ignore this ridiculous PP. "THOSE" people literally made me laugh out loud. My guess is that PP is also one of "those" people - just like your cousin - lazy, entitled, self centered and totally obtuse. I do agree with their conclusion. End the tradition of all staying in the same house. She can still see you at a scheduled meal outing, come to the beach, come over for a kids playdate or happy hour, but then take her family and stuff and go home to her own house. Done.

OP is actually really good at ignoring people who are telling her what she doesn't want to hear. NO actually I;m a very tidy guest. I was a former nanny and preschool teacher so managing my 3 children on my own . I don't need someone else to help me coax sunscreen on and kiss boos and feed my kids bananas. I don't think I'm particularly special for babywearing either. I would never assume another mom wants me to wear her fussy baby. When guest comes to my home I want them to be comfortable, be it they cook their own meals, or not. They can play all day on their phone if they want to as well, and I don't insist they wash the dishes by 5pm either.