Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're much too old for this. Once everyone is married with kids these traditions end and also, you should feel like a moocher using your parents' beach house for this every summer.

Don’t be jealous that you don’t have a beach house to go to.

Grew up spending summers in a beach house... when my husband and I both got big promotions we bought our own. You know, like adults. But keep rationalizing being in your 40s and being a loser in your parents' spare bedroom. I know, I know, you totally bring groceries and a few bottles when you visit. And launder the bed sheets before you leave.

Wow. You sound so lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

OP here. You have nailed part of the tension. She just moves in with us basically. This spring i broached her staying at her place and she was like “why would we do that? We’re here to see each other. Do you want to me to stay away?” And I was manipulated (my view) into backing down. I need to just get mean. But it’s still me drawing a line in the sand that “separates” her from the three amigo besties who grew up together.

Got it.
Honestly, I’d say something now while it’s all fresh and you’re motivated. Just tell her it’s not going to work for her to come to the house anymore. If she presses you, be straight with her: I’m really frustrated with your lack of pitching in with meals and clean-up.

You can do it. No one needs to spend their hard earned vacation time feeling resentment cleaning up after able-bodied adults.

+1 - ITA. I hate conflict, but I would screw up my courage and lay it out there. I might offer an olive branch along the lines of - "Cousin, if you want to continue coming to the reunion you have to take on the same responsibilities as every other family. If you're not willing to do that, then we can't extend the invitation to you anymore." But your description of her playing dumb and then ducking out of preparing her meal is not promising.

[Anonymous]

I just think the lowest conflict way to handle this would be to say, cuz, we love you and want you around, but it’s just hard to have three families with so many kids on one house. We would like you to stay at your brothers or at your house and then come by to hang out, go to the beach, etc. That way it is easier to handle chores etc between two families rather than three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

Here's the problem OP you seem to insist that your way is the only way of doing things.

No, I would not be into sharing milk if my family was using far less milk.

You want to ram on about being an adult, well adults take care of their own shit which includes feeding their kids and pouring their own wine. It seems cousin is telling you that she's fine with taking care of her own baby. So leave her to it.

Even when cousin is getting a free vacation? PP you sound like a nightmare friend too.

OP is getting a free vacation too. It;s not OP's house that her parents graciously let her use, and I doubt OP is showering her parents with extra gifts and money as a thank you.

It's really funny reading some PPs. Getting so wildly carried away by their imagination (aka making shit up), LOL

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP's mom should just disinvite her. The tedious drama seems to orbit the self-entitled daughter. What do you bet the OP makes it seem like she owns the beach house to her friends back home.

[Anonymous]

My family member is like this with spreadsheets and laundering all bedding before putting our bedding on beds. Cleaning before we e tee rental house. Cleaning and laundering all week. Dinner rotation. I couldn’t call stink anymore with them. The resentment would glow from her eyes if I wasn’t cleaning, sweeping up sand, etc. I told my husband that is no vacation no more.

[Anonymous]

Call stink? Vacation is the phrase

[Anonymous]

And the DHs were not expected to lift a finger. Aside from grilling and beering. Very 1950s vube

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Your view is wrong.

Nope. Your view is wrong.

Nope. Their view is right. Your kids are your responsibility. NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are the host. It's your space, not hers. I don't generally make myself at home in other peoples homes. I follow host lead, let them offer or make suggestions. Unless I'm randomly starving, then maybe suggest I want carryout and ask what they want to do.

It’s her parents’ “space” actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just read this whole thread and am shook by the responses projecting and blaming OP. At the end of the day, this is OP's parents place that she has access too and has no obligation to keep inviting the friend. No way would I put up with this bs. If you can't be considerate, don't vacation with others. Basic AF.

What you see as blaming the OP is actually pointing out that some of OP's expectations are BS.. For example, it's completely reasonable for her to expect cousin and her husband to clean up after themselves, do their own laundry, and contribute to shared meals in some way.


It's unreasonable for OP to expect her cousin to look after her kids in situations she does not expect the same from her own husband and father of the children.

As for the house the parents have allowed her to use the house up until now, no one can say if they will continue to do so if it will cause family drama.

Summed it up perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

So what was your husband doing that he couldn't help you put sunscreen on the kids, get them to the bathroom or give them a snack?

+1

-1

Maybe he was grocery shopping so there would be dinner on the cousin’s night to cook?

Or maybe he was doing the kids laundry which the cousin had dumped her clothes into?

It sounds like everyone else pitches in except the cousin. I don’t understand why some people are so set on defending obnoxious behavior. None of my friends do this—I would not trace with them if they did.

If he was actually doing those things, OP, who has come back to answer multiple other posts over multiple days, would not be conveniently ignoring the multiple posts asking why her husband has no responsibility for his own kids, but inexplicably her cousin does. But no. Radio silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

So what was your husband doing that he couldn't help you put sunscreen on the kids, get them to the bathroom or give them a snack?

+1

-1

Maybe he was grocery shopping so there would be dinner on the cousin’s night to cook?

Or maybe he was doing the kids laundry which the cousin had dumped her clothes into?

It sounds like everyone else pitches in except the cousin. I don’t understand why some people are so set on defending obnoxious behavior. None of my friends do this—I would not trace with them if they did.

Sorry sweetheart, OP has had many opportunities to clarify what her husband was doing or where he was. She hasn't done so.

It doesn’t matter. She’s entitled to choose whom she wants to host.

It does matter, because she claims to be sooooo overwhelmed by her own TWO kids on vacation that she’s angry that her cousin hasn’t asked her kids if they’ve peed (WTF), put sunscreen on them or fed them. If only this non problem had a solution. Oh, wait, it does — their father.

[Anonymous]

No is overwhelmed by their kids. They’re pissed a grown adult acts so lazy and entitled and deeply unpleasant. Do something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Your view is wrong.

Nope. Your view is wrong.

Nope. Their view is right. Your kids are your responsibility. NP.

+1. I don’t expect my child-free cousins or friends who stay with us to take care of anyone other than themselves. And if I could use an extra pair of hands, I *ask for help,* with a please and a thank you, and tell them that I appreciate their help. It’s a request for help, not an entitled expectation that another adult should suddenly take on the responsibility of getting my kids ready/packing for them just because we’re spending time together.