Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how family feuds start and how life-long rifts happen.

OP, be careful how you address your cousin as it may have impacts across your entire family including your parents, aunts/uncles, grandparents, other cousins, etc.

It will also impact YOU and your relationship with your cousin as there is no guarantee how your words will be received, no matter how kindly you try and deliver them.

This is a "family" home albeit your parents'. Your cousin is part of your extended family. You cannot ignore this important fact. She is your parents' niece.

You will really be stepping in it if you go to war with your cousin telling her she isn't welcome anymore, and yet your friend and her family will continue to enjoy vacations at the beach with you.

That will spread like wildfire throughout the family, "Oh, did you hear? OP wants her friend and family to visit but told Cousin Susy she was a slob and didn't help out so she wasn't welcome anymore."

I would not address this right now especially since you are still so pissed about it. You have plenty of time until next year to figure out if there may be something going on with your cousin (PPD? Marital issues? Financial issues?) and can then figure out how to address it a few months before next year's anticipated vacation.

BTW, there is also the possibility that your parents (who own the home) may say to hell with it, and to avoid a feud, will say YOU can't use the house anymore, either.

[Anonymous]

I’d focus on the 2 main issues (her husband working from the beach house and demanding quiet and her not stepping up to make any meals even when there’s clearly a meal rotation/cooperative meal thing going on).

Forget the rest of it. So what if she’s on her phone a lot, doesn’t refill others’ wine glasses, doesn’t help your kids get ready for the beach?

If you bring up those little things she’ll just feel attacked and offended that you clearly don’t enjoy time w her like at all if you’re so nitpicky or critical of her. But the 2 big issues do need to be addressed and should be discussed well in advance so she has time to process and figure out what she wants to do. I’d bring it up w her now or very soon while the trip is still fresh in everyone’s mind so she can’t say hmm that’s not how I remember things going and she’ll be more likely to understand where you’re coming from if you present your concerns gently and just use those 2 specific examples and don’t go on a tirade.

Couch your concerns in positive comments too (it was so great to see you all! Baby is really adorable and fun. The kids had a blast. Etc then bring up your concerns and proposed solutions for next year. Then listen to what she has to say. Then end on a positive: hope the rest of your summer goes well, look forward to seeing you soon or whatever.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

+1 This is my question as well. Also, re the dinner spreadsheet. On the nights when she is scheduled to make dinner, why didn't you and your family simply go out OP? Same with the laundry. Why aren't your kids bringing you their dirty clothes to put into your hamper. Then you wash only your family's clothes. It seems like you are creating your own fair share of this drama.

How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don't own? Puh-lease. OP's parents allow her use of their vacation home for this reunion. That means OP has control and responsibility of the house while she and her guests are using it. It's no different than my teenagers telling their guests to leave my home when their behaviors warrant it. They don't need to call me and ask me for permission.

As the organizer and host of this reunion, OP gets to determine the rules. If her guests don't like it, they can decline to join her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, waking up to lots of good comments, thank you. I’m leaning towards just saying that since she’s local she needs to hang at her place and meet at the beach or come for dinner when we’re there one night.

It’s so strange to me the push back on the details of my frustrations. I’m actually very open to it. But honestly, I mean, you have three girls who grew up together. And now was adults, we’d buy our own separate milk and label it? Is my “expectation” that she offer the kids bananas when she’s in the kitchen off? She’s not a maid. But when she can’t even be thoughtful enough to pour a glass of wine when she’s full of hers just is so insane to me. I guess we have a much more communal living vibe here? And yes to the PPs, my BF and me take care of her baby too. Baby poops, grab a diaper. Baby is fussy, put her in the wrap.

It’s honestly a pretty solid gig for my cousin

You could just not do this. You take care of yours, and she takes care if hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

OP here. You have nailed part of the tension. She just moves in with us basically. This spring i broached her staying at her place and she was like “why would we do that? We’re here to see each other. Do you want to me to stay away?” And I was manipulated (my view) into backing down. I need to just get mean. But it’s still me drawing a line in the sand that “separates” her from the three amigo besties who grew up together.

You have an immature way of looking at boundaries. You can set boundaries. That is not mean. If she sees it as mean it is her problem. You have a right to confront her on not doing her part calmly and politely. Does she pay her part? if not, you have a right to say it no longer works to have her stay there. Do you even enjoy her company? if you don't, change your traditions. If that will cause family drama among the elders, come up with a game plan of how to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

This is a really good approach. Try this, OP. (And the autocorrects are hilarious! 😂)

+1, except if OP does not own the home she needs to get her parent's input.

[Anonymous]

The big issues are not making dinner on their night, and the dh trying to work with a bunch of little kids in the house. The wine glass filling is petty as all get out, and moms of babies often don’t know how to handle older kids - I know I didn’t.

But the not-cooking dinner is flat out strange and I think it offers an opening for a heart-to-heart about what happened, and that maybe next year it would be easier for them to just visit and stay in their own house.

I don’t understand why the dh came during the day if he had to work. Why didn’t he just stay at their own house during work hours? How far away do they live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d focus on the 2 main issues (her husband working from the beach house and demanding quiet and her not stepping up to make any meals even when there’s clearly a meal rotation/cooperative meal thing going on).

Forget the rest of it. So what if she’s on her phone a lot, doesn’t refill others’ wine glasses, doesn’t help your kids get ready for the beach?

If you bring up those little things she’ll just feel attacked and offended that you clearly don’t enjoy time w her like at all if you’re so nitpicky or critical of her. But the 2 big issues do need to be addressed and should be discussed well in advance so she has time to process and figure out what she wants to do. I’d bring it up w her now or very soon while the trip is still fresh in everyone’s mind so she can’t say hmm that’s not how I remember things going and she’ll be more likely to understand where you’re coming from if you present your concerns gently and just use those 2 specific examples and don’t go on a tirade.

Couch your concerns in positive comments too (it was so great to see you all! Baby is really adorable and fun. The kids had a blast. Etc then bring up your concerns and proposed solutions for next year. Then listen to what she has to say. Then end on a positive: hope the rest of your summer goes well, look forward to seeing you soon or whatever.)

+1

I don't get the whole "cousin has to help with kids" thing. The cousin has no kids, why does she have to help with other people's kids? I know when I host people, and they expect me to entertain their kids, I say "ir's my vacation, too!" So, the answer is an emphatic "no".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s splitting costs thank god.

Her DH is here as well but doesn’t take vacation from work so a lot of times we have to shush the kids bc he’s on a call and shoots us looks.

Her baby is 1. Then we have a 2, 3, 4, and 5 year old.

Yeah, no. Shut this down. There’s no way I’d be quieting my kids for someone who chose not to go into the office. Call the cousin this weekend. Tell her it’s not going to work next year.

Hell no. Tell her it’s not working. She stays at her house from now on. Also, does she ever invite you guys to visit her house? Like does she host a dinner or something?

Her husband working in the house when he could be home would piss me off so much. That’s beyond unacceptable. Never again. Vacation is for kids to play and run around. They sound extremely tone deaf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she responsible for anyone's kid but her own.

Because when BF and I are dealing with a bunch of little kids getting out the door, grabbing snacks, beach towels, coaxing on sunscreen, kissing booboos, and putting on sunhats, it’s my view that a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

Um, no. Those are your kids. She is only responsible for her own.

[Anonymous]

I think the wine glass thing is like when you’ve reached the point of disliking someone so much that you can’t stand hearing them breathe. It’s so petty, but its where you are for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s splitting costs thank god.

Her DH is here as well but doesn’t take vacation from work so a lot of times we have to shush the kids bc he’s on a call and shoots us looks.

Her baby is 1. Then we have a 2, 3, 4, and 5 year old.

Yeah, no. Shut this down. There’s no way I’d be quieting my kids for someone who chose not to go into the office. Call the cousin this weekend. Tell her it’s not going to work next year.

Hell no. Tell her it’s not working. She stays at her house from now on. Also, does she ever invite you guys to visit her house? Like does she host a dinner or something?

Her husband working in the house when he could be home would piss me off so much. That’s beyond unacceptable. Never again. Vacation is for kids to play and run around. They sound extremely tone deaf.

I bet OP will love paying for it all herself.

[Anonymous]

Yes working in house is over top. Her hubby can commute to their own house to work every day.

If it's so exhausting, limit it to 1-2 weeks next year instead of 4 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d focus on the 2 main issues (her husband working from the beach house and demanding quiet and her not stepping up to make any meals even when there’s clearly a meal rotation/cooperative meal thing going on).

Forget the rest of it. So what if she’s on her phone a lot, doesn’t refill others’ wine glasses, doesn’t help your kids get ready for the beach?

If you bring up those little things she’ll just feel attacked and offended that you clearly don’t enjoy time w her like at all if you’re so nitpicky or critical of her. But the 2 big issues do need to be addressed and should be discussed well in advance so she has time to process and figure out what she wants to do. I’d bring it up w her now or very soon while the trip is still fresh in everyone’s mind so she can’t say hmm that’s not how I remember things going and she’ll be more likely to understand where you’re coming from if you present your concerns gently and just use those 2 specific examples and don’t go on a tirade.

Couch your concerns in positive comments too (it was so great to see you all! Baby is really adorable and fun. The kids had a blast. Etc then bring up your concerns and proposed solutions for next year. Then listen to what she has to say. Then end on a positive: hope the rest of your summer goes well, look forward to seeing you soon or whatever.)

+1

I don't get the whole "cousin has to help with kids" thing. The cousin has no kids, why does she have to help with other people's kids? I know when I host people, and they expect me to entertain their kids, I say "ir's my vacation, too!" So, the answer is an emphatic "no".

Can’t you read? The cousin has a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes working in house is over top. Her hubby can commute to their own house to work every day.

If it's so exhausting, limit it to 1-2 weeks next year instead of 4 weeks.

Why should the OP change her summer plans at her own parents’ house to accommodate a cousin who is local and has their own accommodation?