Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she also plans to leave the 11 and 14 "year olds behind?!

I've been a WOHM and I've been a SAHM. It sounds like she lost her identity to being a mom. It happens. COVID probably heightened that awareness and now she has a lot of regrets. I definitely suggest marriage counseling. Can you take some time off at work?

My answer would be different if your kids were older, but a mom willing to leave her kid behinds hints at a much bigger issue than burnt out and regret. She needs things to change and a counselor will. Hopefully help you guys figure out how to do that

Leaving kids and not thinking about kids during an affair is the height of selfishness, “my needs” only. Lots of people like this. They use the “kids are better why I am happy” BS.

[Anonymous]

I definitely do not see OP saying that she wants to leave her kids. My guess is that she is full of resentment for all she’s been doing “alone” and that includes taking care of him and living on his terms (even if he doesn’t see it that way.)

She doesn’t want to be a wife anymore. She can still be a mom and have alone time when he has the kids.

Ask me how I know this.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHW, OP. I feel this way at least 5 out of 7 days but I work to tamp down those feelings because I know DH and kids are depending on me. Everyone desires financial and family stability but no educated person wants to focus on serving others -- even beloved children or partners -- in a menial capacity for decades. If your DW could enjoy nearly the same standard of living without having to live the lackey life, why would she not try to seize the chance to change? She does not care about the cleanliness of your underwear or your latest squabble with a colleague, and is tired of pretending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your follow up, you might have a shot at saving this marriage — but you need to be prepared to offer up and follow though on big changes.

For example, if you have been so financially successful, can you start working part time while she goes back to school or her career of choice?

Can you change jobs so you have more flexibility to handle decisions about camp, etc?

Would hiring more help actually make her happier?

And LOL that you did all this career stuff just for your family. I’m a wife that has worked and been very successful in my career. If my husband were to say “you would have worked just as hard if you stayed single and been just as important in your career” — he would be absolutely correct. In fact, I would likely have worked harder and been more successful if single.

If your wife wanted to quit working, but now regrets it — I can see why you feel like that isn’t your fault and your career enabled what you thought was a free will decision. But at some point, it wasn’t what she wanted and she felt trapped because you didn’t seem to be willing to pick up the slack. Right or wrong, this is likely how she sees it.

Not true gor most. I’d be retired at 50 without kids.

Sure, but you would have worked enough to be able to retire early.

I’m 52 with kids and I could retire right now if I didn’t have to use my savings on college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your follow up, you might have a shot at saving this marriage — but you need to be prepared to offer up and follow though on big changes.

For example, if you have been so financially successful, can you start working part time while she goes back to school or her career of choice?

Can you change jobs so you have more flexibility to handle decisions about camp, etc?

Would hiring more help actually make her happier?

And LOL that you did all this career stuff just for your family. I’m a wife that has worked and been very successful in my career. If my husband were to say “you would have worked just as hard if you stayed single and been just as important in your career” — he would be absolutely correct. In fact, I would likely have worked harder and been more successful if single.

If your wife wanted to quit working, but now regrets it — I can see why you feel like that isn’t your fault and your career enabled what you thought was a free will decision. But at some point, it wasn’t what she wanted and she felt trapped because you didn’t seem to be willing to pick up the slack. Right or wrong, this is likely how she sees it.

Building and maintaining a high level career is demanding and it makes it hard to always face the truth: That doing that is still very different from being an emotionally present and loving partner and parent. It's not 1955. Most wives and husbands want both, high earners and great, available partners. Whether most of us get that or can Be that is another thing. But the standards are high let's face it. This is why many mothers, even highly educated ones, work part time or less than full time. Because we know intuitively it is very hard to do it all. You may have let the scales tip excessively toward your work. Happens to many of us. Try to realign

[Anonymous]

Wife sounds like a “cake eater”.

People like this, in their 40’s, will pull this crap no matter what.

H works less and is more involved… complains he isn’t a high earner.
H works lots she works for her self esteem and hires nanny help…. Complains that she doesn’t see kids enough.
H plans most gatherings/camps.., complains how he does it.

Some people are just never happy

[Anonymous]

I agree with above - your wife is looking around and realizing that her future is bleak - no career, demands of house and child rearing, and a less than perfect marriage. I think your best move is to help her change that future - help her (don't just say you support) find a new job, take on additional responsibilities at home or at least outsource the house cleaning/cooking/carpool driving) - spend some time with her doing things you both enjoy.

I feel like I was your wife 10 years ago - I made the decision to stay home with the kids without question and I don't regret that- but at some point when the kids were in school, I was really tired of not having my own career, feeling the burden of all the household/child care, and watching my husband pursue his career and outside interests. We figured it out - he didn't just say he supported me, he helped re-write my resume, he used connections to help network, he watched the kids as I took seminars in "on-ramping" and, when I got a job (which I still love), he took on additional responsibilities and provided a great sounding board for return to work issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above - your wife is looking around and realizing that her future is bleak - no career, demands of house and child rearing, and a less than perfect marriage. I think your best move is to help her change that future - help her (don't just say you support) find a new job, take on additional responsibilities at home or at least outsource the house cleaning/cooking/carpool driving) - spend some time with her doing things you both enjoy.

I feel like I was your wife 10 years ago - I made the decision to stay home with the kids without question and I don't regret that- but at some point when the kids were in school, I was really tired of not having my own career, feeling the burden of all the household/child care, and watching my husband pursue his career and outside interests. We figured it out - he didn't just say he supported me, he helped re-write my resume, he used connections to help network, he watched the kids as I took seminars in "on-ramping" and, when I got a job (which I still love), he took on additional responsibilities and provided a great sounding board for return to work issues.

I would DEFINITELY not do this until OP’s wife feels understood and supported emotionally. It could come across as invalidating and condescending, like “this problem you are facing is not a big deal, here, see, I can fix it.”

But at some point it will be a good idea, most likely.

[Anonymous]

I have three male cousins who are good looking, very high earners. A dentist, an accountant and a lawyer. They were all workaholics and they are all divorced, one of them twice. At a certain point, their absence became intolerable and honestly, I don't think it's a rare scenario. It took several years but eventually their wives were very resentful. It happens. They also all happened to have three children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three male cousins who are good looking, very high earners. A dentist, an accountant and a lawyer. They were all workaholics and they are all divorced, one of them twice. At a certain point, their absence became intolerable and honestly, I don't think it's a rare scenario. It took several years but eventually their wives were very resentful. It happens. They also all happened to have three children.

My point was just...there was not a sharing of responsibility and power ultimately. And that becomes hard long term

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife sounds like a “cake eater”.

People like this, in their 40’s, will pull this crap no matter what.

H works less and is more involved… complains he isn’t a high earner.
H works lots she works for her self esteem and hires nanny help…. Complains that she doesn’t see kids enough.
H plans most gatherings/camps.., complains how he does it.

Some people are just never happy

Maybe; but I have rarely seen a woman who is deep resentful of a man who is very involved, active and emotionally present with his children. She may be frustrated in moments if money is tight but paternal involvement at home counts for A LOT in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife sounds like a “cake eater”.

People like this, in their 40’s, will pull this crap no matter what.

H works less and is more involved… complains he isn’t a high earner.
H works lots she works for her self esteem and hires nanny help…. Complains that she doesn’t see kids enough.
H plans most gatherings/camps.., complains how he does it.

Some people are just never happy

Maybe; but I have rarely seen a woman who is deep resentful of a man who is very involved, active and emotionally present with his children. She may be frustrated in moments if money is tight but paternal involvement at home counts for A LOT in my experience.

Nope money is the # 1 reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife sounds like a “cake eater”.

People like this, in their 40’s, will pull this crap no matter what.

H works less and is more involved… complains he isn’t a high earner.
H works lots she works for her self esteem and hires nanny help…. Complains that she doesn’t see kids enough.
H plans most gatherings/camps.., complains how he does it.

Some people are just never happy

Maybe; but I have rarely seen a woman who is deep resentful of a man who is very involved, active and emotionally present with his children. She may be frustrated in moments if money is tight but paternal involvement at home counts for A LOT in my experience.

Nope money is the # 1 reason for divorce

There is ALWAYS something deeper than money going on, and the dispute about is sometimes that one spouse wants more money than the other needs.

It’s just not accurate to say that most divorces are caused by women wanting more money, which it sounds like you are hinting at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

No but here’s the thing, from her perspective: your “sacrifice” working harder than you otherwise would have without a family has brought you acclaim, status, and satisfaction. Her sacrifice has brought her the opposite.

Yup. This is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

No but here’s the thing, from her perspective: your “sacrifice” working harder than you otherwise would have without a family has brought you acclaim, status, and satisfaction. Her sacrifice has brought her the opposite.

OP here, she said those exact things to me.

I am a woman. This is very, very hard to get over. She is right. And this happens to a lot of women. The sacrifice is just not worth it. The man gets ahead and the woman has nothing to show for her work. I work and I feel this way because I sacrificed my own career advancement for the family...my ex made no sacrifices...I worked the entire time and I felt this way and I feel if I did not work it would feel the same way, too. Men have no idea. They have a baby and go back to work like nothing ever happened. Women end up making the sacrifices, they are not recognized for that at all and then the men are blindsided about what happened. You used a woman like an employee while you got ahead. Now she feels like crap. She needs time to get her own identity back before being a full partner in a relationship again, in my opinion. She has given and given and now has nothing left to give. And is exhausted.