Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

No but here’s the thing, from her perspective: your “sacrifice” working harder than you otherwise would have without a family has brought you acclaim, status, and satisfaction. Her sacrifice has brought her the opposite.

OP here, she said those exact things to me.

NP. Of course. How is this not obvious to you? Tell me this, if you could do it over, would you trade places with her -- where she became the breadwinner and you became a SAHP? My guess is no. You would have keenly felt that loss of status and praise and identity that succeeding in a career gives you. As much as you say you both made equal contributions, you don't really believe it. Society doesn't value them the same either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three male cousins who are good looking, very high earners. A dentist, an accountant and a lawyer. They were all workaholics and they are all divorced, one of them twice. At a certain point, their absence became intolerable and honestly, I don't think it's a rare scenario. It took several years but eventually their wives were very resentful. It happens. They also all happened to have three children.

I totally get this. They get so caught up in their God Complex and think that providing funds is the be all and end all of parenting. They forgot how much LIFE they miss, both for the kids and the spouse. Of course resentment grows! You can only raise this point so many times and then you stop caring anymore. You start to build a life where they are less and less a part of it. I'm not sure if this is what happened with the OP or not, but I agree with the above poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

No but here’s the thing, from her perspective: your “sacrifice” working harder than you otherwise would have without a family has brought you acclaim, status, and satisfaction. Her sacrifice has brought her the opposite.

OP here, she said those exact things to me.

NP. Of course. How is this not obvious to you? Tell me this, if you could do it over, would you trade places with her -- where she became the breadwinner and you became a SAHP? My guess is no. You would have keenly felt that loss of status and praise and identity that succeeding in a career gives you. As much as you say you both made equal contributions, you don't really believe it. Society doesn't value them the same either.

She really could have used her time more wisely and felt accomplished. She didn’t need to just stay home with kids. She could have been intensely involved in volunteering and felt fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

She does bear responsibility for her role in accepting/tolerating some of it. She helped create her current circumstances... she may be a long way from realizing this at this point but it is ultimately true. None of this is to diminish her very real pain or the fact that op absolutely contributed too, by his own admission. She feels powerless now though and that is a dark place to be. I feel for her and hope she will be open to therapy, with him or alonr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Tell your wife you want to turn your lives and marriage around. And mean it. Ask her what she needs in marriage, and tell her you want more intimacy at least twice a week. She wants to work, okay, you can find nanny. What else

The last thing she wants is more intimacy from him. This will seem like a demand right now and push her further away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife sounds like a “cake eater”.

People like this, in their 40’s, will pull this crap no matter what.

H works less and is more involved… complains he isn’t a high earner.
H works lots she works for her self esteem and hires nanny help…. Complains that she doesn’t see kids enough.
H plans most gatherings/camps.., complains how he does it.

Some people are just never happy

Maybe; but I have rarely seen a woman who is deep resentful of a man who is very involved, active and emotionally present with his children. She may be frustrated in moments if money is tight but paternal involvement at home counts for A LOT in my experience.

Nope money is the # 1 reason for divorce

That is not true at all. It really is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many women in straight marriages feel this way.

+1. This thread has been so validating. I have felt like OP's wife for a couple years now, but thought I was crazy/alone. I love my kids and love living with them. But when the nest is empty, I just want to live alone again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women in straight marriages feel this way.

+1. This thread has been so validating. I have felt like OP's wife for a couple years now, but thought I was crazy/alone. I love my kids and love living with them. But when the nest is empty, I just want to live alone again.

Same. A lot of women just end up taking care of everyone around them, always putting themselves last and it gets wearying. Could we do more to take care of ourselves? Sure, probably but there is so much societal pressure on women to be good mothers, good partners, good daughters and sometimes you don't even realize how much you lost yourself until it's gone. When I fantasize, I dream about a small beachfront cottage where the space is all mine and it is calm and peaceful and quiet and nobody needs anything from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women in straight marriages feel this way.

+1. This thread has been so validating. I have felt like OP's wife for a couple years now, but thought I was crazy/alone. I love my kids and love living with them. But when the nest is empty, I just want to live alone again.

Same. A lot of women just end up taking care of everyone around them, always putting themselves last and it gets wearying. Could we do more to take care of ourselves? Sure, probably but there is so much societal pressure on women to be good mothers, good partners, good daughters and sometimes you don't even realize how much you lost yourself until it's gone. When I fantasize, I dream about a small beachfront cottage where the space is all mine and it is calm and peaceful and quiet and nobody needs anything from me.

It's interesting, there is definitely a measure of pressure to be "good" which can mean sacrificial and all giving, particularly when you are a young mother and the children are very young (i.e.under 5). But I remember too lots of messages about self care being important, lots of books and blogs about the importance of girls nights, taking care of yourself, etc..friends or at least mine always talked about this and the message was always, "you have to also take care of yourself." So I don't think the broader culture has been tone deaf on this issue in the past couple of decades. For their own particular psychological makeup some women do lose themselves. Some do give too much. It's very hard to be sacrificial over many years and it is not really particularly healthy...for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women in straight marriages feel this way.

+1. This thread has been so validating. I have felt like OP's wife for a couple years now, but thought I was crazy/alone. I love my kids and love living with them. But when the nest is empty, I just want to live alone again.

How do I send this to him without sending it to him?

(And this is coming from somebody in a pretty happy marriage. I am mostly content but I don’t feel understood.)

[Anonymous]

And it (excessive self sacrifice) can be particularly toxic in a marriage long term, poster above

[Anonymous]

Whenever i start to feel my husband is doing too much for us I always encourage him to stop, think about if he has to be doing what he is doing and I encourage him to do something for himself. To just stop and be more mindful...Because I know he will burn out and it will come back to bite me in the end. He should have the insight to do this for himself but sometimes he is not that aware or in tune with hitting a limit. He's compulsive sometimes basically...and he thinks this is s strength.. We all have to learn how to take of ourselves and that includes learning to set limits. That probably did not happen in op's situation obviously. It's important though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be a woman in your 40s. It is. Not saying it isn't hard to be man in your 40s. But that's another post.

OP, what do YOU want? Do you want to separte and divorce?

Have you asked her what this REALLY means? Does she want to be alone temporarily? forever? just sometimes?

Would it help if she had a small space to herself (a tiny house in the country? an apartment in the city?) that she could go a couple days a week? Does she need more alone time on a daily/weekly/yearly basis?

My parent have been married a LONG time. But they also spend time apart when my mom goes to do things, or just do alone time in another state. My dad visits, but it is her place, for her comfort.

There may be creative and better ways to make this work than just her leaving. You might have to start with her taking 3-6 months alone - and then she maybe will reset, recharge, and return.

BTW, do you have kids? If so, how old are they?

two kids, 11 and 14

Unlikely that she's going to walk without the kids, but (like all ages) those ages are difficult. Hello, puberty. And when my kids were those ages I wanted to (and fantasized about) ditch them, too.

Glad you guys are talking - you need to listen and negotiate.

[Anonymous]

Op, as an immigrant living in US, I witnessed some wives like yours. Frankly, I cannot relate to her. She sounds immature and resentful of you. No one made her to be a stay at home wife. There are plenty of daycares and nannies available. If a woman wants to have a professional career, nothing is stopping her. She is tired of taking care of her children? Life is WORK. Whether it is a professional job or being at home. You have to find means to feed yourself, clean after yourself, keep the roof over head. It is WORK. She only has two kids and is tired of scheduling camps or buying clothes? Lol Sounds like she is lazy and spoiled.
We women get EXHASTED and tired, but instead she wants to be passive aggressive and blame you for her unhappiness. Why do you even need to be in this kind of a marriage?

[Anonymous]

^^^ winner winner chicken dinner