Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?
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Anonymous
Such ambition. Can see why he loves you. Lol |
Anonymous
Every response from you is basically how great things are and what a wonderful husband you have. That is awesome. But why the crowdsource then? Of course we don’t know what your husband will think of you when/if you are a SAHM. |
Anonymous
OP here. No need for snide comments. I worked two jobs while putting myself through nursing school, and worked FT as a nurse working 10-12 hour shifts while I put myself through NP program. I worked 10-12 hour shifts for years until I switched over to my current position. I would not take 12 hour shifts if I could avoid it because I want to be able to see my child everyday and spend time with him. I’m in a place financially where I have the ability to work less. |
Anonymous
OP here. Did you not read my original post? It was to see if and how people’s marriages changed once they stayed home. Some said their husbands turned into jerks. I put out there that my husband isn’t like that. That doesn’t mean I’m not still looking and reading other posters experiences and advice. |
Anonymous
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Look, you need to stop worrying about this and do whatever you want to do. I’m sorry to be a witch, but doctors don’t marry nurses because they are impressed with their career ambition. (Frankly, most doctors don’t have a lot of respect for people in any other career path at all. And I say this as a psychiatrist, which is definitely the minivan of specialties.)
If he isn’t looking at you as “just a nurse” now, then he won’t look at you as “just a mom” when you SAH. |
Anonymous
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This thread went a little off the rails but I thought I’d chime in to say, no, my relationship with DH didn’t change when I started SAH. And he DID marry me because of my career ambition, at least in part.
BUT he really genuinely values the work I do at home - most notably taking care of our kids, but also other things like cooking healthy meals, signing kids up for activities, arranging play dates, etc. He knows it’s hard to take care of little kids and doesn’t take it for granted. |
Anonymous
This was how it was for me too. I think for many people the attraction to ambition is more about “how cool that this person does what they set out to do, and they do it well” rather than “how cool that this person is succeeding in a prestigious job.” |
Anonymous
Np here. My thoughts exactly. Why did OP start the thread if she’s already so certain her husband won’t change. That’s the thing: even good people, good husbands, are human and can change. OP seems a bit too defensive. A good friend of mine has a good husband, nice guy. He totally changed how he regarded her. It was clear he thought her time wasn’t as precious as his. And she felt guilty that he was financially supporting her. It seems an unhappy situation. It’s not a question of a husband being a good or bad person. It’s about slipping into certain roles that society reinforces. |
Anonymous
If he’s a doctor, and OP is a nurse, some of this is going to be true whether or not she returns to work. His time at work will be more important than hers, and he will out-earn her. Just do whatever makes you happy, OP. |
Anonymous
Lol the minivan of specialties...I lol'ed at this. I'm an ER doc, which is maybe the Toyota of specialities (it ain't fancy but it'll get you there?)...anyway OP just chiming in to say the utility of your career as an NP is super high. I have no idea how your marital dynamic will change staying home. What I can say is that mid-level providers (or APPs, whatever your preferred terminology is), have the absolute best of both worlds in medicine. You have better hours than we do as MDs, less liability, better overall happiness (studies bear this out), and less debt. You may earn less, but on avg APPs still exceed or approach 6 figures. I say all this to point out that if there's any way to satisfy your desire to stay home with your babies (which I totally get) but keep a foot in your career to transition back at some point, you absolutely will want to do this. You have the golden goose of careers: meaningful, lucrative, stable. The economics of medicine just don't favor docs anymore. Most of our groups are owned by hedge funds who think we're too expensive and could give 2 sh*ts that most of us went 200K+ into debt to earn our degree. That was the medicine of the 80's and we're not there anymore, so it's on us to pay our debts off and survive in this landscape. It's not great, I'll tell you. But as a midlevel your desirability will go up, not down, for the next 2 decades, which are your earning years. All this is to say I'd look at this less as how your husband will regard you, and more from a standpoint of the smartest plan, and do that. The rest of the stuff has a way of working out when you approach it that way. And if it's a disaster, you can reassess. But disconnecting from a clinical career for too long makes it super hard to go back. You will want to eventually. Just keep that door cracked open. |
Anonymous
his time will be less flexible. I disagree that it will be more important. Paid labor is not more important labor. |
Anonymous
It does, but it was worth it (my kids are 4 and 7 now, and I'm back at work). I also started working very PT (10 hours a week) when they were each 1 years old -- having even a small income stream was enough to keep our dynamic in balance, made it much much easier to ramp up to full time work when I was ready, and I never felt like I didn't have enough time with the kids. |
Anonymous
My husband didn't turn into a jerk, but the balance of power really shifted. It was also stressful for being the sole breadwinner. Luckily, I was back working when he got laid off 4 years ago. |
Anonymous
Haha! I like that about the Toyota. I have worked in the ED most of my career, and am working on opening a PES at my institution right now. I tell med students that psychiatry is the minivan of specialties. No one is going to think it’s cool, but if it’s what you want, nothing else is really going to work. I absolutely agree that APP’s are valuable, and I wouldn’t quit entirely. It is very hard to get back in once you do that. However, my husband is a surgeon, and there are times that my time is better spent at home with the family, rather than working. I have had very good luck picking up once a month weekend hospital coverage or overnight call for ED consults when I wanted to be out of the workforce, but keep my toe in. I wouldn’t bank on getting a part-time 9-5 job, OP. Look outside that world and consider inpatient work at odd hours that need to be filled. You will have a lot more pull. |
Anonymous
| I was covid downsized moving from a 200K income to zero. My DH expects a nanny (which we had) a housekeeper (which we had) and for a job search while not allowing time for any of it. Beware new mom and good luck! |