Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

Just want to note OP is talking about staying home for a couple years, not the rest of her life. The idea that being a SAHM for 2-3 years when your child is very young will ruin your marriage is really weird to me. And also really restrictive for women. I stayed home for a couple years in part because I wanted to, and in part because I had PPD and staying home helped me deal with that so that I could go my return to work in a healthy, positive way.

People on DCUM always talk about this like it’s an either/or. But many, many women do what OP is proposing (SAHM a couple years when child is young, then go back to work). For many of us, it helped us avoid the trap of being a working mom who also does the bull if the work at home. Having a SAHP is a good way for a family to acknowledge that childcare and housework are work. And it helps the working parent understand that when the SAHP returns to work, both parents will need to step it up at home to cover the loss of the SAHP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just want to note OP is talking about staying home for a couple years, not the rest of her life. The idea that being a SAHM for 2-3 years when your child is very young will ruin your marriage is really weird to me. And also really restrictive for women. I stayed home for a couple years in part because I wanted to, and in part because I had PPD and staying home helped me deal with that so that I could go my return to work in a healthy, positive way.

People on DCUM always talk about this like it’s an either/or. But many, many women do what OP is proposing (SAHM a couple years when child is young, then go back to work). For many of us, it helped us avoid the trap of being a working mom who also does the bull if the work at home. Having a SAHP is a good way for a family to acknowledge that childcare and housework are work. And it helps the working parent understand that when the SAHP returns to work, both parents will need to step it up at home to cover the loss of the SAHP.

OP here. My job is a large part of my identity. I take pride in it. My husband and I bonded over being in similar fields ( healthcare). He said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was my drive to help people. He loves how selfless and caring I am. He loved that I chose a profession to take care of people and make their lives better.

Staying home could easily turn into 4-5 years if we have a second child. I guess I m just nervous how much the dynamics of our relationship will change if u quit my job.

[Anonymous]

Mine didn’t. He still is involved and contributes when he is available. We both give our all to each other and our children. We respect each other and know we’re a team.

[Anonymous]

While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

[Anonymous]

It will change. Just like my view of him would change if he chose to be a stay-at-home dad. I mean it would be helpful but I love his career and work drive so it'd be a huge turn off in some ways.

[Anonymous]

It’s annoying to me to keep seeing these posts from
Women. Why don’t you go back to work and see how it is? You had 6 months off and suddenly you’re ready to throw away your career and put in your resignation. No wonder employers don’t like women. I felt the same with my first, yes it sucks and yes it felt wrong to leave. But I didn’t jump to it’s time to stay home mentality but rather can I do this and see how it is and then decide? I cobbled some childcare for the next few months and guess what? I liked working and my baby wasn’t a baby anymore and I continued my career.

To your original question, of course things will change for the worse, you are not solely financially dependent on your spouse, I GUARANTEE you you’ll have fights about chores, and you’ll feel guilty about asking for help or things to do. I’m fine if you want to pick this course of action, but damn, go back to your job a bit don’t just end it because you spent a few months home with a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just want to note OP is talking about staying home for a couple years, not the rest of her life. The idea that being a SAHM for 2-3 years when your child is very young will ruin your marriage is really weird to me. And also really restrictive for women. I stayed home for a couple years in part because I wanted to, and in part because I had PPD and staying home helped me deal with that so that I could go my return to work in a healthy, positive way.

People on DCUM always talk about this like it’s an either/or. But many, many women do what OP is proposing (SAHM a couple years when child is young, then go back to work). For many of us, it helped us avoid the trap of being a working mom who also does the bull if the work at home. Having a SAHP is a good way for a family to acknowledge that childcare and housework are work. And it helps the working parent understand that when the SAHP returns to work, both parents will need to step it up at home to cover the loss of the SAHP.

OP here. My job is a large part of my identity. I take pride in it. My husband and I bonded over being in similar fields ( healthcare). He said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was my drive to help people. He loves how selfless and caring I am. He loved that I chose a profession to take care of people and make their lives better.

Staying home could easily turn into 4-5 years if we have a second child. I guess I m just nervous how much the dynamics of our relationship will change if u quit my job.

I mean, it's totally up to you. Yes, it can turn into 4-5 years. I also know women who stayed home with their first and then returned to work with their second because (trade secret here) being a SAHM with one baby is really lovely, and being a SAHM with a toddler and a baby is... not always great. the point is that choosing to taking a year or two now does not mean that you have to dive into a "traditional" marriage with strict gender roles. It didn't for me. I SAHMed for a bit and now I'm working again and I feel like my marriage is really egalitarian and that we have great communication. I don't feel like my work is less important, nor do I feel like it's always up to me to do with childcare/housework stuff.

For me it was also really meaningful that my husband supported me in the decision to stay home. We had to cut back a bit to make it work financially, and I also know it was stressful for him to be the sole earner for those couple years, especially as he'd just become a dad so the seriousness of that was more intense. But he knew I wouldn't have made that choice unless it was really what I wanted and felt right, and he was 100% on board. And then we kept talking about it. There came a time where I was just really ready to get back to work and to have more of a life separate from my child, and he supported that too and stepped up at home during that transition. At no point did me being home feel like us abandoning our partnership or falling into stereotypical roles. It always felt like a choice we made together and in which we supported each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying to me to keep seeing these posts from
Women. Why don’t you go back to work and see how it is? You had 6 months off and suddenly you’re ready to throw away your career and put in your resignation. No wonder employers don’t like women. I felt the same with my first, yes it sucks and yes it felt wrong to leave. But I didn’t jump to it’s time to stay home mentality but rather can I do this and see how it is and then decide? I cobbled some childcare for the next few months and guess what? I liked working and my baby wasn’t a baby anymore and I continued my career.

To your original question, of course things will change for the worse, you are not solely financially dependent on your spouse, I GUARANTEE you you’ll have fights about chores, and you’ll feel guilty about asking for help or things to do. I’m fine if you want to pick this course of action, but damn, go back to your job a bit don’t just end it because you spent a few months home with a newborn.

Or vice versa.
Take another six months off and see if you are more comfortable with leaving a toddler, rather than a newborn, and going back to work.
There is no reason this has to be an all or nothing decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a lot more sex.

+1. Plus DH was home a lot more. It was just a more pleasant place to be. It was more of a place to relax, and less of another place of work.

... except for the woman doing all the domestic labor?

NP: I don't personally know any family where that happens. My DH cooks, cleans, changed diapers, does groceries, give the kids baths, does laundry, and so on. And so do I, of course. We are adults, and we are a family, and we are all in this life together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying to me to keep seeing these posts from
Women. Why don’t you go back to work and see how it is? You had 6 months off and suddenly you’re ready to throw away your career and put in your resignation. No wonder employers don’t like women. I felt the same with my first, yes it sucks and yes it felt wrong to leave. But I didn’t jump to it’s time to stay home mentality but rather can I do this and see how it is and then decide? I cobbled some childcare for the next few months and guess what? I liked working and my baby wasn’t a baby anymore and I continued my career.

To your original question, of course things will change for the worse, you are not solely financially dependent on your spouse, I GUARANTEE you you’ll have fights about chores, and you’ll feel guilty about asking for help or things to do. I’m fine if you want to pick this course of action, but damn, go back to your job a bit don’t just end it because you spent a few months home with a newborn.

"I am miserable and irritable, but you should definitely do exactly what I did, even though I fully admit it sucked and felt wrong at the time."

Lady, if these posts annoy you, stop responding to them. No one cares if you are "fine" with OP's choice one way or another. Believe it or not, this isn't about you and your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just want to note OP is talking about staying home for a couple years, not the rest of her life. The idea that being a SAHM for 2-3 years when your child is very young will ruin your marriage is really weird to me. And also really restrictive for women. I stayed home for a couple years in part because I wanted to, and in part because I had PPD and staying home helped me deal with that so that I could go my return to work in a healthy, positive way.

People on DCUM always talk about this like it’s an either/or. But many, many women do what OP is proposing (SAHM a couple years when child is young, then go back to work). For many of us, it helped us avoid the trap of being a working mom who also does the bull if the work at home. Having a SAHP is a good way for a family to acknowledge that childcare and housework are work. And it helps the working parent understand that when the SAHP returns to work, both parents will need to step it up at home to cover the loss of the SAHP.

OP here. My job is a large part of my identity. I take pride in it. My husband and I bonded over being in similar fields ( healthcare). He said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was my drive to help people. He loves how selfless and caring I am. He loved that I chose a profession to take care of people and make their lives better.

Staying home could easily turn into 4-5 years if we have a second child. I guess I m just nervous how much the dynamics of our relationship will change if u quit my job.

That is entirely up to the two of you. No one else can tell you how you will or will not respond to the new dynamic. For many people it is wonderful (it has been for us). Clearly there are some on here who are not as happy with their life choices.

[Anonymous]

Lol at PP “throw away your career”. I can smell your insecurity and shallowness through my screen. Chill out. Nobody cares what you do, OP. That’s the truth to all these people hand wringing about it. Anything anyone feels is based 100% on their own issues. Do what you want in your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just want to note OP is talking about staying home for a couple years, not the rest of her life. The idea that being a SAHM for 2-3 years when your child is very young will ruin your marriage is really weird to me. And also really restrictive for women. I stayed home for a couple years in part because I wanted to, and in part because I had PPD and staying home helped me deal with that so that I could go my return to work in a healthy, positive way.

People on DCUM always talk about this like it’s an either/or. But many, many women do what OP is proposing (SAHM a couple years when child is young, then go back to work). For many of us, it helped us avoid the trap of being a working mom who also does the bull if the work at home. Having a SAHP is a good way for a family to acknowledge that childcare and housework are work. And it helps the working parent understand that when the SAHP returns to work, both parents will need to step it up at home to cover the loss of the SAHP.

OP here. My job is a large part of my identity. I take pride in it. My husband and I bonded over being in similar fields ( healthcare). He said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was my drive to help people. He loves how selfless and caring I am. He loved that I chose a profession to take care of people and make their lives better.

Staying home could easily turn into 4-5 years if we have a second child. I guess I m just nervous how much the dynamics of our relationship will change if u quit my job.

Your DH sounds great, but you sound anxious. You need to do what’s best for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a lot more sex.

+1. Plus DH was home a lot more. It was just a more pleasant place to be. It was more of a place to relax, and less of another place of work.

... except for the woman doing all the domestic labor?

NP: I don't personally know any family where that happens. My DH cooks, cleans, changed diapers, does groceries, give the kids baths, does laundry, and so on. And so do I, of course. We are adults, and we are a family, and we are all in this life together.

OP here. We are very early in but my husband does a lot for us. He does all the above.