Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

So true. Most people are not teen moms. What happens when the kids are all gone? Gone where? Gone forever? Or there will be more things to look forward to - weddings, grandkids, vacations? Are people really so one-dimensional that they cannot imagine what to do with free time and more money? LOL.

Unfortunately many of the reasons that some WOHMs say they work on this board is also beyond pathetic. They say that it is to protect themselves when the rats they have married will dump them or cheat on them or sink their financial ship. They are willing to lose precious time with their children because they are worried what will happen when the kids leave the house? OMG. I believe these are very low earning WOHMs who post this stuff and probably not even from DMV. Who talks like this in this area of high HHI and high level of education? I know SAHMs with PhDs who make decisions best for their families and no one bats an eyelid. I am surrounded with high earning WOHMs who actually love their jobs and they cherish the time with their family and prioritize that. They are not driven by fear all the time that their husband will dump them. This board is beyond ridiculous.

You know that women who work still attend weddings and vacations, and are able to spend time with their grandkids? You don’t have to be a SAHM to do that. But whatever justifies your existence. These threads always end the same way. With the “never workers” defending their value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does no one care about retirement. Not everyone can retire at 50 you know.

many can

+ 1

I think a lot of non-DMV people found this website during Trump years. They actually cannot comprehend the local demographics of DMV and DCUM. Especially the idea of wealthy or well-to-do, highly educated people, staying at home to be with their family is something they do not see in the fly-over states.

This is an area filled with intellectuals, elites, foreigners, moneyed people, networked people from all over the world. Just the number of people who have trust funds in my friend circle is not funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

So true. Most people are not teen moms. What happens when the kids are all gone? Gone where? Gone forever? Or there will be more things to look forward to - weddings, grandkids, vacations? Are people really so one-dimensional that they cannot imagine what to do with free time and more money? LOL.

Unfortunately many of the reasons that some WOHMs say they work on this board is also beyond pathetic. They say that it is to protect themselves when the rats they have married will dump them or cheat on them or sink their financial ship. They are willing to lose precious time with their children because they are worried what will happen when the kids leave the house? OMG. I believe these are very low earning WOHMs who post this stuff and probably not even from DMV. Who talks like this in this area of high HHI and high level of education? I know SAHMs with PhDs who make decisions best for their families and no one bats an eyelid. I am surrounded with high earning WOHMs who actually love their jobs and they cherish the time with their family and prioritize that. They are not driven by fear all the time that their husband will dump them. This board is beyond ridiculous.

You know that women who work still attend weddings and vacations, and are able to spend time with their grandkids? You don’t have to be a SAHM to do that. But whatever justifies your existence. These threads always end the same way. With the “never workers” defending their value.

Weird that you think people only have value if they bring home a paycheck. What if you're already wealthy from 20 years of working? My investment income is way more than I would ever make in a W-2 job. I don't think people realize how much money people can have if they have decent jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

So true. Most people are not teen moms. What happens when the kids are all gone? Gone where? Gone forever? Or there will be more things to look forward to - weddings, grandkids, vacations? Are people really so one-dimensional that they cannot imagine what to do with free time and more money? LOL.

Unfortunately many of the reasons that some WOHMs say they work on this board is also beyond pathetic. They say that it is to protect themselves when the rats they have married will dump them or cheat on them or sink their financial ship. They are willing to lose precious time with their children because they are worried what will happen when the kids leave the house? OMG. I believe these are very low earning WOHMs who post this stuff and probably not even from DMV. Who talks like this in this area of high HHI and high level of education? I know SAHMs with PhDs who make decisions best for their families and no one bats an eyelid. I am surrounded with high earning WOHMs who actually love their jobs and they cherish the time with their family and prioritize that. They are not driven by fear all the time that their husband will dump them. This board is beyond ridiculous.

You know that women who work still attend weddings and vacations, and are able to spend time with their grandkids? You don’t have to be a SAHM to do that. But whatever justifies your existence. These threads always end the same way. With the “never workers” defending their value.

But I don't have to defend my own value to you. My DH has to understand my value and there is something in me that he gladly allows me to ride the gravy train and thinks that he is blessed because of the family and home I have created.

What attracted a high value alpha male who is a high earner to be happy with me and be proud that I am his wife? Maybe it is my looks, my family, my education, my wonderful personality, my libido? Whatever it is, I don't have to go and earn money to contribute to live with him and have kids.

My value is in the fact that my DH loves to provide for me and kids very well. I can totally understand though that beta low earning men don't want to pay for anything or help at home when the women they marry have dog faces. We have to cut them some slack too. Alpha males are not marrying low quality women. And Alpha males do not care if their women are WOHMs or SAHMs. Their intrinsic value is not in their paychecks. But, you won't understand that.

[Anonymous]

It ain’t your personality

[Anonymous]

No one can predict. Entirely dependent on the two individuals and the realities of the marriage and life circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It ain’t your personality

Says the dog-face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DP here. I was a SAHM for 13 years. And yes it’s true that some long term SAHM’s become really boring and have nothing interesting to talk about. Or obsess about the tiniest inconsequential things (like PTA politics or HOA drama or whatever.) We all know these people. In fact it’s part of why I went back to work. The longer I stayed home, the fewer “normal” women were still at all home too. Everyone I liked spending time with eventually went back to work. Sorry, it’s true.

I think it's so odd when people claim that all their coworkers are so interesting. We all have worked with totally boring people who can barely talk about anything. How many work parties are just full of people standing around awkwardly talking about spreadsheets or something? It's not that different from the boring moms at the playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also a lot of evidence that having a mother who works out of the home is associated with girls growing up to make more money as adults. And that certain professions that require a high degree of intellectual rigor are associated with lower levels of dementia in old age (the theory being that this is related to learning new things). Homemaker is not one of them.

You should feel empowered to make whatever choice works for your family without the reliance on stats that aren’t specifically related to SAH. The world is full of people who are successful and had two working parents and that aren’t and had a sahp.

Please stop repeating this fallacy. The studies of working moms and their impact on their daughters categorize working moms as anyone who has worked for any amount of pay before their child turns 14. You would literally have to be from some weird religious sect to not make ANY money before your kid turns 14, and so by definition you are in a weird society and will probably be poor when you grow up, too. I know a mormon lady who makes caramels and sells them every Christmas. That counts as a working mom in these studies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Also a lot of evidence that having a mother who works out of the home is associated with girls growing up to make more money as adults. And that certain professions that require a high degree of intellectual rigor are associated with lower levels of dementia in old age (the theory being that this is related to learning new things). Homemaker is not one of them.

You should feel empowered to make whatever choice works for your family without the reliance on stats that aren’t specifically related to SAH. The world is full of people who are successful and had two working parents and that aren’t and had a sahp.

Please stop repeating this fallacy. The studies of working moms and their impact on their daughters categorize working moms as anyone who has worked for any amount of pay before their child turns 14. You would literally have to be from some weird religious sect to not make ANY money before your kid turns 14, and so by definition you are in a weird society and will probably be poor when you grow up, too. I know a mormon lady who makes caramels and sells them every Christmas. That counts as a working mom in these studies!

Not to mention that if you break it down by class and marital status, it’s really only the children of poor, single mothers who benefit from mom working. As long as you still have enough money to pay your mortgage, buy food, and pay for a few extras, kids are better off with a parent at home.
I still work. My kids aren’t the only kids on the planet, and I like my job. But when research seems to defy common sense, you should go back and actually look at the study.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's great that you're happy but is it not possible to have answered the question without being an obnoxious braggart?

DP. Because this is either fictional or there are huge missing pieces. Like for example 1. how does DH go back to school while you are SAH? 2. Venerated by a teenager? I don’t even have kids that old and that sounds quite unlikely.

1. Because we are not broke-ass poor and could easily pay the 100K he needed to get an eMBA without taking out a loan. I took care of home and kids while he attended school in the weekends. He also is a good earner.

2. Because we have a functional and loving home. Angry kids and teens with mental issues is not rite of passage in our household. Family dysfunction is an anomaly and not something that happens in every household - unlike what you believe and experience. My kids are loved and valued and not a burden to us, unlike most people who post here. A SAH parent gives a lot of flexibility to adjust to new realities and challenges. We were not shitting in our pants when pandemic reality set in because the household was running smoothly. Nor we resented feeding hot meals to our teens.

NP. I think this is a troll (at least I really hope so, for the sake of her imaginary kids, who probably really suffered with her as a mother if she isn't a troll), but anyone who would write the above, especially the bolded, is obviously a terrible person and a horrific mother, so I think this person's opinions should just be disregarded. Probably deleted, tbh. And PP, before you start spewing your nasty bile in response, my kids are fortunate enough to not suffer from mental illness. But I have been side-by-side with wonderful parents who are deep in the trenches. They might read here, and they don't deserve this kind of sideswipe from a terrible person. Also, in case any of you other smug parents are tempted to believe SAHM is some sort of magic protection against mental illness -- I suggest you educate yourself outside of DCUM trolls on the matter.

God, that PP is so gross, I feel slimy even responding to this, but I could not let that stand.

[Anonymous]

Yeah the PP talking about her “alpha male husband” is 100% a troll.

[Anonymous]

Well this got off track but to answer the original op- I think that it’s normal for relationships in a marriage to grow and change over the years anyway, so it’s not necessarily just because you work or don’t work. Having kids in general will bring new dynamics to your marriage and home. Parents who both work or have one parent staying home may have issues or may find a harmonious balance.

I quit working five years ago when my first child was born. At the time my husband and I had roughly equal salaries. Since then his income has grown significantly. Just as he’s grown professionally at his job, I have grown in my role too. It was an adjustment for us to go to one income and for me to adapt to full time child rearing, but as with anything with time and experience you learn new things and you do adapt. It’s a balance that’s worked really well for us and our marriage is strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a lot more sex.

Lol. This for me too!
It’s a lot more work than you think to stay home and do the mom AND caregiver thing (these are often very different!) 24/7. But in a lot of ways it was fantastic for our marriage because it really allowed us to divide and conquer.
I think the key for me was in viewing my day through a lens of how I could combine what needed to be done with the joy of being with my children. I realized that a trip to the grocery didn’t have to be fast and frantic but could actually be the morning outing with my young toddler. It made a huge difference in being frustrated VS taking time to meander through the produce section making up songs about fruit and pointing out colors. (Maybe that’s a strange example, but I think one influence in the relationship is when I was feeling blessed more than burdened by the arrangement, and this is one example of that.)
My DH loves that I was more joyful and less stressed than when I was juggling a job with our first child. And I think my happiness made me more attractive to him. He honestly didn’t push me to work or not work. He just responded to my desire and we started finding more time for each other.)

It’s not for everyone. But it was great for us.

One caution though...I think I’ve noticed in these threads that if you are one for “keeping score” on who is “carrying the mental load” or whatever then this probably won’t work as well for you. We try to take the mindset of doing things to help make each other’s day better. When we focus on that, there just seems to be a natural tendency toward reciprocation.

I find this to be an odd sentiment. My husband and I also divide and conquer. But one of the things we divide in half is the children, so that we each do half with them. The notion of dividing and conquering by one person taking the lion's share of the work surrounding children is very unappealing to me. Glad it worked for you, I just find it strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirder cons our society has ever been duped into is buying into the idea that your career is what should define your life or that a woman’s “contribution to society” via grinding for some corporation is to be valued more highly than raising and rearing her own children and focusing her energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual well being of her family. Baffling how backward it is to me that women fought for this.

Obviously you think those two things are exclusive. Newsflash - they're not!

Also, why isn't your husband focusing his energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual wellbeing of your family?