Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a lot more sex.

Lol. This for me too!
It’s a lot more work than you think to stay home and do the mom AND caregiver thing (these are often very different!) 24/7. But in a lot of ways it was fantastic for our marriage because it really allowed us to divide and conquer.
I think the key for me was in viewing my day through a lens of how I could combine what needed to be done with the joy of being with my children. I realized that a trip to the grocery didn’t have to be fast and frantic but could actually be the morning outing with my young toddler. It made a huge difference in being frustrated VS taking time to meander through the produce section making up songs about fruit and pointing out colors. (Maybe that’s a strange example, but I think one influence in the relationship is when I was feeling blessed more than burdened by the arrangement, and this is one example of that.)
My DH loves that I was more joyful and less stressed than when I was juggling a job with our first child. And I think my happiness made me more attractive to him. He honestly didn’t push me to work or not work. He just responded to my desire and we started finding more time for each other.)

It’s not for everyone. But it was great for us.

One caution though...I think I’ve noticed in these threads that if you are one for “keeping score” on who is “carrying the mental load” or whatever then this probably won’t work as well for you. We try to take the mindset of doing things to help make each other’s day better. When we focus on that, there just seems to be a natural tendency toward reciprocation.

I find this to be an odd sentiment. My husband and I also divide and conquer. But one of the things we divide in half is the children, so that we each do half with them. The notion of dividing and conquering by one person taking the lion's share of the work surrounding children is very unappealing to me. Glad it worked for you, I just find it strange.

DP. I divide workloads like this all of the time at home, at work, volunteering, etc. One person takes on the lion’s share of their part of something, and another takes on another project that’s part of the greater whole. I actually think it’s more unusual for everyone to share in every task. It requires tons of communication.
People said that SAHM’s are boring, but it’s hot to be awfully tedious to be married to someone that you have to constantly talk logistics with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

So true. Most people are not teen moms. What happens when the kids are all gone? Gone where? Gone forever? Or there will be more things to look forward to - weddings, grandkids, vacations? Are people really so one-dimensional that they cannot imagine what to do with free time and more money? LOL.

Unfortunately many of the reasons that some WOHMs say they work on this board is also beyond pathetic. They say that it is to protect themselves when the rats they have married will dump them or cheat on them or sink their financial ship. They are willing to lose precious time with their children because they are worried what will happen when the kids leave the house? OMG. I believe these are very low earning WOHMs who post this stuff and probably not even from DMV. Who talks like this in this area of high HHI and high level of education? I know SAHMs with PhDs who make decisions best for their families and no one bats an eyelid. I am surrounded with high earning WOHMs who actually love their jobs and they cherish the time with their family and prioritize that. They are not driven by fear all the time that their husband will dump them. This board is beyond ridiculous.

You know that women who work still attend weddings and vacations, and are able to spend time with their grandkids? You don’t have to be a SAHM to do that. But whatever justifies your existence. These threads always end the same way. With the “never workers” defending their value.

But I don't have to defend my own value to you. My DH has to understand my value and there is something in me that he gladly allows me to ride the gravy train and thinks that he is blessed because of the family and home I have created.

What attracted a high value alpha male who is a high earner to be happy with me and be proud that I am his wife? Maybe it is my looks, my family, my education, my wonderful personality, my libido? Whatever it is, I don't have to go and earn money to contribute to live with him and have kids.

My value is in the fact that my DH loves to provide for me and kids very well. I can totally understand though that beta low earning men don't want to pay for anything or help at home when the women they marry have dog faces. We have to cut them some slack too. Alpha males are not marrying low quality women. And Alpha males do not care if their women are WOHMs or SAHMs. Their intrinsic value is not in their paychecks. But, you won't understand that.

🤮

[Anonymous]

Take a look at how his mom and the women in his current family are treated and their family dynamics. His views and what he expects will greatly reflect how he was raised. Unfortunately my husband has some untreated mental illness and is completely hands off with the kids. I greatly regret quitting my job for various reasons.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you will probably regret it. There will seem to be no boundaries to your life in the way your husband can carve out. Speaking from experience.

I once heard a wildlife story of a species of spider that would lay eggs, and once the babies hatched, she would offer up her body as their first meal, thereby dying. I felt like I understood her situation

For some of my friends, it has worked, but it requires an awful lot of vigilance to keep the balance of power.

[Anonymous]

Yes, exDH was a high earner and I was mid-level. I quit after our second was born and our relationship was never the same. Despite him being the one to push me to stay home to reduce the stress levels in our household, he stopped respecting me all together. Since I was always available, he started going out for work events multiple times a week, saying yes to travel he would have said no to previously and in the end, had an affair with a coworker. Now, he may have cheated on me regardless of my work status, but I believe a lot of it had to do with how he saw me; which was as mother to his child. And to rub salt in the wounds, I had left my career was unemployed trying to divorce and support myself and my kids. Thankfully Virginia is an alimony state so I wasn't totally screwed, but I had to run back to work full time for less pay. I hope my daughter never quits her job without being independently wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Everyone’s situation is unique. When my kids were little I SAH and it worked beautifully. We skipped the stressful daycare years, I could handle illnesses and well visits, etc. When DH was home he was all hands on deck because there was always something that needed doing.

Once the kids got older it gradually became that I was handling most of the cooking, shopping, hiring contractors, etc. because the kids were gone during the day.

As much as I loved being a SAH I didn’t really enjoy the housewife parts. I also wasn’t a “go the the gym and redecorate the house” type. So I found a flexible WFH job and DH and I divide the drudgery or outsource it and I’m much happier.

Everyone needs to do what works for their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone’s situation is unique. When my kids were little I SAH and it worked beautifully. We skipped the stressful daycare years, I could handle illnesses and well visits, etc. When DH was home he was all hands on deck because there was always something that needed doing.

Once the kids got older it gradually became that I was handling most of the cooking, shopping, hiring contractors, etc. because the kids were gone during the day.

As much as I loved being a SAH I didn’t really enjoy the housewife parts. I also wasn’t a “go the the gym and redecorate the house” type. So I found a flexible WFH job and DH and I divide the drudgery or outsource it and I’m much happier.

Everyone needs to do what works for their marriage.

This sounds like a great solution and a path I'd like to follow. I actually do enjoy some of the household "drudgery" though, in some ways more than childcare! Like I actively enjoy cleaning the house and derive a lot of satisfaction from it. But I also like working and I get a lot out of having my own income just from a self-worth standpoint. When I stopped working for a bit when our DC was a baby/toddler, that was the hardest part for me, is losing that sense of accomplishment and worth that I got out of receiving a paycheck. It was a relief when I started working again for that reason alone -- I just like the security of having my own income.

But that said, I am 100% on the train of having the flexible WFH job. I currently work around 20 hours a week and will probably ramp up once school is back in person, but I don't have any plans to go back to a full-time, in office job with benefits and set hours if I can help it. It's just really helpful to have one partner who can make their schedule around what the kids and house need. And I honestly prefer it. I don't feel like I've given up anything really. In my mind, I'm getting the better end of the deal -- I get more time with my kid, I work but have less stress because of shorter hours, and I can make my own schedule. I think it's tougher for my DH having to deal with a more rigid schedule and greater work demands. I'm not on a "gravy train" as I know I'm contributing every bit as much as my DH. But I think my set up is advantageous compared to his.

[Anonymous]

Working part time was excellent for me when I had small kids. At age 8 I went back full time (but my job is flexible so I am home most after-school times, even if I’m working while I’m home). Fully SAH didn’t suit me after infancy.

[Anonymous]

Yes, because when DH decided I didn’t parent well enough and run the house well enough, the power imbalance really came out. Now that I’m back at work I feel more confident, I sense more respect from DH, and I feel less second-class. I do think a SAH situation can work for some couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

So true. Most people are not teen moms. What happens when the kids are all gone? Gone where? Gone forever? Or there will be more things to look forward to - weddings, grandkids, vacations? Are people really so one-dimensional that they cannot imagine what to do with free time and more money? LOL.

Unfortunately many of the reasons that some WOHMs say they work on this board is also beyond pathetic. They say that it is to protect themselves when the rats they have married will dump them or cheat on them or sink their financial ship. They are willing to lose precious time with their children because they are worried what will happen when the kids leave the house? OMG. I believe these are very low earning WOHMs who post this stuff and probably not even from DMV. Who talks like this in this area of high HHI and high level of education? I know SAHMs with PhDs who make decisions best for their families and no one bats an eyelid. I am surrounded with high earning WOHMs who actually love their jobs and they cherish the time with their family and prioritize that. They are not driven by fear all the time that their husband will dump them. This board is beyond ridiculous.

You know that women who work still attend weddings and vacations, and are able to spend time with their grandkids? You don’t have to be a SAHM to do that. But whatever justifies your existence. These threads always end the same way. With the “never workers” defending their value.

But I don't have to defend my own value to you. My DH has to understand my value and there is something in me that he gladly allows me to ride the gravy train and thinks that he is blessed because of the family and home I have created.

What attracted a high value alpha male who is a high earner to be happy with me and be proud that I am his wife? Maybe it is my looks, my family, my education, my wonderful personality, my libido? Whatever it is, I don't have to go and earn money to contribute to live with him and have kids.

My value is in the fact that my DH loves to provide for me and kids very well. I can totally understand though that beta low earning men don't want to pay for anything or help at home when the women they marry have dog faces. We have to cut them some slack too. Alpha males are not marrying low quality women. And Alpha males do not care if their women are WOHMs or SAHMs. Their intrinsic value is not in their paychecks. But, you won't understand that.

It's no wonder others think very little of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, a lot more sex.

Lol. This for me too!
It’s a lot more work than you think to stay home and do the mom AND caregiver thing (these are often very different!) 24/7. But in a lot of ways it was fantastic for our marriage because it really allowed us to divide and conquer.
I think the key for me was in viewing my day through a lens of how I could combine what needed to be done with the joy of being with my children. I realized that a trip to the grocery didn’t have to be fast and frantic but could actually be the morning outing with my young toddler. It made a huge difference in being frustrated VS taking time to meander through the produce section making up songs about fruit and pointing out colors. (Maybe that’s a strange example, but I think one influence in the relationship is when I was feeling blessed more than burdened by the arrangement, and this is one example of that.)
My DH loves that I was more joyful and less stressed than when I was juggling a job with our first child. And I think my happiness made me more attractive to him. He honestly didn’t push me to work or not work. He just responded to my desire and we started finding more time for each other.)

It’s not for everyone. But it was great for us.

One caution though...I think I’ve noticed in these threads that if you are one for “keeping score” on who is “carrying the mental load” or whatever then this probably won’t work as well for you. We try to take the mindset of doing things to help make each other’s day better. When we focus on that, there just seems to be a natural tendency toward reciprocation.

I find this to be an odd sentiment. My husband and I also divide and conquer. But one of the things we divide in half is the children, so that we each do half with them. The notion of dividing and conquering by one person taking the lion's share of the work surrounding children is very unappealing to me. Glad it worked for you, I just find it strange.

DP. I divide workloads like this all of the time at home, at work, volunteering, etc. One person takes on the lion’s share of their part of something, and another takes on another project that’s part of the greater whole. I actually think it’s more unusual for everyone to share in every task. It requires tons of communication.
People said that SAHM’s are boring, but it’s hot to be awfully tedious to be married to someone that you have to constantly talk logistics with.

Yes, we divvy up certain things so that someone does more of it than the other, but not OUR CHILDREN. We both decided to have them, so we both raise them. Someone doing 90% of the work around their children is unappealing to me. That was my point.

[Anonymous]

We actually get to see each other now, so yes, it has changed for the better.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I didn’t even know this thread was still going on. I’m keeping my extended maternity but decided I will most like go back to work PT. The majority of people on here said it’s best to keep one foot in the door with work. I think they’re probably right. Things might change but I think PT is a good compromise. I still get plenty of time at home, and I also get to keep some adult conversation.