Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. As a SAHM in all parameters my life improved...

I retained my cleaning lady from my WOHM days and then had her coming two times a week for doing other chores - food prep, help with yard, laundry, organization etc. I think that was the best thing I did to minimize any resentment on my part to do household chores, and at the same time have the house humming smoothly for the family. I credit having help as a huge impact in our happiness.

The PP seems out of touch. She didn't have to escalate with the PP - first to call them triggered, then a loser?! Hoping it's a just troll and the thread can move on.

The thread is not going to move on. The SAH forever or bust posters will not let it. Theirs is the only acceptable way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirder cons our society has ever been duped into is buying into the idea that your career is what should define your life or that a woman’s “contribution to society” via grinding for some corporation is to be valued more highly than raising and rearing her own children and focusing her energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual well being of her family. Baffling how backward it is to me that women fought for this.

What about men?

This is what men found for themselves to do when there isn’t a war, and there isn’t a need to hunt anything. Men are the ones that duped everyone into buying the idea that a career is what should define your life or that it is more important than raising children or nurturing friendships.

Many men who fall into their his trap realize that they were duped as well, but they don’t realize it until they are retired and it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

Well in our particular case, my H makes a lot of money and is planning to retire in his fifties so we can travel and spend time on hobbies, etc. So that's not really a worry of mine. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

+1 Also, you can save a lot of money in your working years if you have a decent job. I'm the PP who tried for 7 years to have a kid. I was 40 when I left my job. My kid is 13 and I don't plan on going back to work. For one thing, no one is going to hire a 50+ yo financial analyst who hasn't been in the office in a decade. Plus, my spouse will be retiring in a couple of years, so we plan on doing some traveling with our teenager before she leaves the nest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the weirder cons our society has ever been duped into is buying into the idea that your career is what should define your life or that a woman’s “contribution to society” via grinding for some corporation is to be valued more highly than raising and rearing her own children and focusing her energy and efforts into nurturing the emotional and spiritual well being of her family. Baffling how backward it is to me that women fought for this.

What about men?

This is what men found for themselves to do when there isn’t a war, and there isn’t a need to hunt anything. Men are the ones that duped everyone into buying the idea that a career is what should define your life or that it is more important than raising children or nurturing friendships.

Many men who fall into their his trap realize that they were duped as well, but they don’t realize it until they are retired and it’s too late.

I don't disagree with this. I work but could honestly care less about my job. I do it well and I like the people I work with as well as my clients, so I am motivated to perform reasonably well in order to make their lives easier and to meet their expectations. But the work itself? Don't care, it doesn't matter. My work as a parent is a million times more meaningful and will actually matter years from now.

But I work for money. That's it. I work so my family can have more money, so that we can feed and house our kid and provide her with a good foundation for life. That is the only reason I work, and if money were no option, I would quit my job in a heartbeat. I wouldn't "just" parent -- I'd read books and maybe even write one and study art and spend time in nature and travel. I know how to be productive and infuse my life with meaning even outside of my role as a parent. But my job? It's not that, and I gave up on it being that many years ago. Maybe I'd feel differently if I'd gone into teaching or nursing like OP, or if I worked in other public service. But I don't. My job is the least interesting thing about me.

[Anonymous]

Does no one care about retirement. Not everyone can retire at 50 you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does no one care about retirement. Not everyone can retire at 50 you know.

many can

[Anonymous]

Not when one of the parents has been out of work for 20 years. Even by DC standards that is a lot for the husband to put into retirement for two grown adults to retire at 50 on just his salary alone plus trying to raise kids and at college funds?
Slip on your jammies baby cuz you're dreaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

+1 Also, you can save a lot of money in your working years if you have a decent job. I'm the PP who tried for 7 years to have a kid. I was 40 when I left my job. My kid is 13 and I don't plan on going back to work. For one thing, no one is going to hire a 50+ yo financial analyst who hasn't been in the office in a decade. Plus, my spouse will be retiring in a couple of years, so we plan on doing some traveling with our teenager before she leaves the nest.

+2

Whenever I see conversation on this board about SAHMs like they are lazy and don't want to work, I roll my eyes. I worked for 15 solid years in a high pressure work environment before having a baby. I became a mom and immediately realized that there was absolutely no way I was going back to that lifestyle, at my age, with a child. I know people who do, but I knew in my bones that it would make me miserable. I took a few years off. Now I work part time as a consultant. I set my own schedule and work as much or as little as I want (or need -- I can ramp it up if we want some extra income for something specific). I know I'm not lazy. My husband respects me for making good choices for myself and our family, and for prioritizing our family life over professional aspirations. He has done the same -- he has chosen a path that allows him to be home by 5pm every day and to never work weekends or on a vacation. There is nothing unequal about our marriage. We share all our money.

I am convinced that all the black and white thinking about SAHMs vs WOHM is driven by women in their late 20s and early 30s who still live in a fantasyland of what both work life and family life are actually like. You get to your 40s and you get really practical about this stuff. Most people (men and women) plateau at work at that point anyway. You stop thinking so much about short term work goals (the next promotion, or the next project or whatever) and shift to focusing on longterm financial goals, your marriage, your relationship with your kids. When I was in my 20s and 30s, it was typical for people to talk a lot about their work socially and to be very focused on it. In my 40s? We socialize with law firm partners and surgeons and people who work in the administration, and people almost never discuss work. They talk about their kids, their vacations, their latest house project, the book or television show they just watched. You can work or SAHM and no one is really going to care. Because what you do for a living really does not define you. Most people aren't even interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not when one of the parents has been out of work for 20 years. Even by DC standards that is a lot for the husband to put into retirement for two grown adults to retire at 50 on just his salary alone plus trying to raise kids and at college funds?
Slip on your jammies baby cuz you're dreaming.

Shrug. We're early forties and have almost 5 million in investable assets. I think we're on track for him to retire in ten years, if he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

I don't think this will necessarily happen. It didn't to me. In my case, DH thinks our kids are lucky that they have me all to themselves. He's told me that many times.

And what happens when the kids are all gone?

You know, most of the people on this board are not having kids in their early twenties. By the time kids are gone, they will probably be close to retirement age anyway. Keeping up your career so that you have something to do when the kids are out of the house doesn’t make sense when you are having your first child at 38.

So true. Most people are not teen moms. What happens when the kids are all gone? Gone where? Gone forever? Or there will be more things to look forward to - weddings, grandkids, vacations? Are people really so one-dimensional that they cannot imagine what to do with free time and more money? LOL.

Unfortunately many of the reasons that some WOHMs say they work on this board is also beyond pathetic. They say that it is to protect themselves when the rats they have married will dump them or cheat on them or sink their financial ship. They are willing to lose precious time with their children because they are worried what will happen when the kids leave the house? OMG. I believe these are very low earning WOHMs who post this stuff and probably not even from DMV. Who talks like this in this area of high HHI and high level of education? I know SAHMs with PhDs who make decisions best for their families and no one bats an eyelid. I am surrounded with high earning WOHMs who actually love their jobs and they cherish the time with their family and prioritize that. They are not driven by fear all the time that their husband will dump them. This board is beyond ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Eh. I was a SAHM until my youngest was midway through elementary. I knew A LOT of SAHM’s. I can count on one hand the number of them who haven’t gone back to work. Acting like staying home forever is common is false.