Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

OP, turn this around. Are you willing to give up someting important to you (staying home with your kids) just so your relationship dynamic will stay the same? I don't see how that is at all empowering to you.

If your husband only loves and values you for your job, then that's a problem.

I stay home with my kids (4 and 2) and have no regrets. Yes it is hard and sometimes boring, but so are all "jobs."

In Europe, your maternity leave would automaticall be a year or more. The idea that you should only stay home with your baby for 3-6 months is very American. It's not your fault you live in America in 2021 and you're only allowed 3 months home with your baby.

No, I do not have "an allowance." We do have a household budget that we BOTH follow. I am actually in charge of our finances and budget.

Yes, I do most of the household chores because it's convenient for me to do them while home with the kids. But my husband has a normal 9-5 job and also does a lot of housework and childcare. We both work hard and we both have the same amount of leisure time. He is not coming home from work and having a beer while I continue to do things around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with previous poster. I was also complicit in that I felt like I had to deal with all the household things, since my SPOUSE WAS WORKING. Getting a part-time job helped me snap out of it. I also occasionally say I have a meeting conflict when he wants me to do something, to reset his entitlement tendencies.

Yes. Had to be vigilant and maintain a norm of me having a calendar and not just being available to do whatever he happened to prefer at all times.

The hardest part was the tone of voice, the manager-subordinate phrasing and tone that crept in from his office. These things are insidious and very hard to keep from happening.

Yes, the reminder phone calls regarding the list he has left for you, and your failure to respond in a timely manner. Glad I went back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with previous poster. I was also complicit in that I felt like I had to deal with all the household things, since my SPOUSE WAS WORKING. Getting a part-time job helped me snap out of it. I also occasionally say I have a meeting conflict when he wants me to do something, to reset his entitlement tendencies.

Yes. Had to be vigilant and maintain a norm of me having a calendar and not just being available to do whatever he happened to prefer at all times.

The hardest part was the tone of voice, the manager-subordinate phrasing and tone that crept in from his office. These things are insidious and very hard to keep from happening.

Yes, the reminder phone calls regarding the list he has left for you, and your failure to respond in a timely manner. Glad I went back to work.

I am a stay at home mom to a 2 yo and 4 yo and this has never once happened to me. I am the one sending my spouse lists because he is "only working" whereas I am really busy with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, would your view of your DH change if the roles were reversed?

I don't think this is the way to look at it because people are different. Some husbands are ok with being the sole financial providers for the family, some really aren't. I'm sure that's true for women as well although of course SAHDs are much less common. There isn't a right or wrong answer here. If a man isn't ok with his wife quitting her job, because he feels that it is not the right decision financially for the family or he would find it too pressuring on him, then that's totally ok. Whether his wife would feel differently in the reverse isn't really the point if both viewpoints are valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

+1. This is sad.

By 3 months my twins were also sleeping 12 hours a night and were on a nap schedule. What is wrong with you people?

This. I didn't do CIO and my baby just naturally fell into a schedule around 3 months. We weren't rigid about it. If she seemed hungry, I fed her. If she seemed tired, we put her down. It's just that these things seemed to happen on a regular cycle and it was easy to adopt that schedule while still being responsive to her needs. I also did lots of baby wearing and I think that helped with the nap schedule because she'd often do her last nap of the day in the carrier while I ran errands or took myself to a coffee shop for a break.

So many people are just determined for everyone else to have the exact same experience as they had with a new baby, including the misery. But every baby is different and so is every parent and there are lots of ways to do it.

This and the people who had miserable babies hate that others didn't so they always accuse you of doing something wrong and harming your baby.

[Anonymous]

I took all responsibility for all medical appointments, therapy appointments, school and camp enrollment, p/t conferences, picking up children from school, dealing with home repairs solo, dealing with most car repairs solo, food prep for me and the kids, extracurricular enrollment and attendance, help with homework, record keeping, bill paying, financial planning for the family, cleaning, repairing/replacing items as needed, furnishing the house, laundry for everyone, purchasing clothing for everyone, etc. DH just came home and hung out/did fun stuff with the kids on weekend. I even became the family vacation planner, as in DH would declare where he wanted to go and it was up to be to plan and budget for it.

I see the temptation but it's a slippery slope. My DH is not a horrible husband. He just did not understand why I couldn't get all of these things done while he was at work. Finally one day I told him that I did not know what shoe or pant size he is because he keeps gaining and losing weight. I stopped buying him clothes and he hasn't bought any clothes for himself since.

DH is very much the fun parent and my back-up. He readily took on the fun parent role. The back-up role takes frequent and specific requests of what needs to be done and how to do it when I can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just want to note OP is talking about staying home for a couple years, not the rest of her life. The idea that being a SAHM for 2-3 years when your child is very young will ruin your marriage is really weird to me. And also really restrictive for women. I stayed home for a couple years in part because I wanted to, and in part because I had PPD and staying home helped me deal with that so that I could go my return to work in a healthy, positive way.

People on DCUM always talk about this like it’s an either/or. But many, many women do what OP is proposing (SAHM a couple years when child is young, then go back to work). For many of us, it helped us avoid the trap of being a working mom who also does the bull if the work at home. Having a SAHP is a good way for a family to acknowledge that childcare and housework are work. And it helps the working parent understand that when the SAHP returns to work, both parents will need to step it up at home to cover the loss of the SAHP.

OP here. My job is a large part of my identity. I take pride in it. My husband and I bonded over being in similar fields ( healthcare). He said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was my drive to help people. He loves how selfless and caring I am. He loved that I chose a profession to take care of people and make their lives better.

Staying home could easily turn into 4-5 years if we have a second child. I guess I m just nervous how much the dynamics of our relationship will change if u quit my job.

No one's experiences can really answer this question for you because it's unique to your marriage, personalities and history together. That being said, I'd rethink some of this. I'm sure your ambition and caring and work success was a part of why your husband was initially drawn to you, he found it attractive and decided you were the one for him. But if you had a medical condition and needed to quit, or left your job to care for an elderly or sick parent, or when you are old and finally decide to retire - I don't think your husband is going to love you less, because you aren't working 9-5. Life circumstances change over time.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home with part-time work only (telework) for the first 10 years. That was TOO long. Lucked into a great full time job that I have loved for the past 10 years.

Yes, changed relationship (though really parenthood did that) and changed my perception of myself. Staying home can provide some joy and benefits to the family - but be careful you do not get stuck in that role. Can you keep part-time work or set a goal of returning in 3-4 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying to me to keep seeing these posts from
Women. Why don’t you go back to work and see how it is? You had 6 months off and suddenly you’re ready to throw away your career and put in your resignation. No wonder employers don’t like women. I felt the same with my first, yes it sucks and yes it felt wrong to leave. But I didn’t jump to it’s time to stay home mentality but rather can I do this and see how it is and then decide? I cobbled some childcare for the next few months and guess what? I liked working and my baby wasn’t a baby anymore and I continued my career.

To your original question, of course things will change for the worse, you are not solely financially dependent on your spouse, I GUARANTEE you you’ll have fights about chores, and you’ll feel guilty about asking for help or things to do. I’m fine if you want to pick this course of action, but damn, go back to your job a bit don’t just end it because you spent a few months home with a newborn.

Or vice versa.
Take another six months off and see if you are more comfortable with leaving a toddler, rather than a newborn, and going back to work.
There is no reason this has to be an all or nothing decision.

OP here. I haven’t made any decision about staying at home. I extended my maternity leave until 6 months, but I might go back at least PT.

If you are working in direct patient care and need to keep your credentials, then of course you should go back part time. The question is: "how part time?" Do you want to go back 36 hours/wk? Or do you want to go back 10 hours/month?

Part time in healthcare can be complicated. If you need to work 12 hr shifts, and you can't count on your DH to be home at a certain time, you'll likely need 2 nannies. Having two separate nannies to cover part time hours will be a challenge.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but if you like your job I would really try to negotiate a later start date for them or switching to part-time for a certain period of time. In this day and age I would never give up a job that I found rewarding paid well and that I actually liked doing. You can have a work-life balance nowadays as many companies are becoming more and more accommodating to working parents and lifestyles outside of the workplace. My friend didn't want to go back after 4 months of maternity leave so quit instead of negotiating a part-time schedule a year later she still deeply regrets that even though she loves being with her kids. They have had to forgo some things in order to keep saving for retirement and education and she really needs that creative outlet outside of her family. No no one can answer this except you and your husband but just some things to think about that it never has to be all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying to me to keep seeing these posts from
Women. Why don’t you go back to work and see how it is? You had 6 months off and suddenly you’re ready to throw away your career and put in your resignation. No wonder employers don’t like women. I felt the same with my first, yes it sucks and yes it felt wrong to leave. But I didn’t jump to it’s time to stay home mentality but rather can I do this and see how it is and then decide? I cobbled some childcare for the next few months and guess what? I liked working and my baby wasn’t a baby anymore and I continued my career.

To your original question, of course things will change for the worse, you are not solely financially dependent on your spouse, I GUARANTEE you you’ll have fights about chores, and you’ll feel guilty about asking for help or things to do. I’m fine if you want to pick this course of action, but damn, go back to your job a bit don’t just end it because you spent a few months home with a newborn.

Or vice versa.
Take another six months off and see if you are more comfortable with leaving a toddler, rather than a newborn, and going back to work.
There is no reason this has to be an all or nothing decision.

OP here. I haven’t made any decision about staying at home. I extended my maternity leave until 6 months, but I might go back at least PT.

If you are working in direct patient care and need to keep your credentials, then of course you should go back part time. The question is: "how part time?" Do you want to go back 36 hours/wk? Or do you want to go back 10 hours/month?

Part time in healthcare can be complicated. If you need to work 12 hr shifts, and you can't count on your DH to be home at a certain time, you'll likely need 2 nannies. Having two separate nannies to cover part time hours will be a challenge.

What?
I work part time in healthcare. I don’t need two nannies. I have a few high school and college age babysitters.
Tomorrow, I work from 3pm-midnight. I need a babysitter to watch the kids from 2:30-6 or so when DH gets home. She will just zoom into her afternoon class while she is here.
I need something like that about once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with previous poster. I was also complicit in that I felt like I had to deal with all the household things, since my SPOUSE WAS WORKING. Getting a part-time job helped me snap out of it. I also occasionally say I have a meeting conflict when he wants me to do something, to reset his entitlement tendencies.

Yes. Had to be vigilant and maintain a norm of me having a calendar and not just being available to do whatever he happened to prefer at all times.

The hardest part was the tone of voice, the manager-subordinate phrasing and tone that crept in from his office. These things are insidious and very hard to keep from happening.

Yes, the reminder phone calls regarding the list he has left for you, and your failure to respond in a timely manner. Glad I went back to work.

Wow, you guys married total arseholes. Are you still married?

[Anonymous]

OP here. We don’t have him a on a strict schedule. I would say he is on a routine. He has a strict bedtime routine and we wakeup at 7am everyday. He has a routine where he takes 4 naps. He is awake for 90 minutes and eats every 2-3 tours during the day. That is what I mean about schedule. I’m fine with sleep training but not at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, turn this around. Are you willing to give up someting important to you (staying home with your kids) just so your relationship dynamic will stay the same? I don't see how that is at all empowering to you.

If your husband only loves and values you for your job, then that's a problem.

I stay home with my kids (4 and 2) and have no regrets. Yes it is hard and sometimes boring, but so are all "jobs."

In Europe, your maternity leave would automaticall be a year or more. The idea that you should only stay home with your baby for 3-6 months is very American. It's not your fault you live in America in 2021 and you're only allowed 3 months home with your baby.

No, I do not have "an allowance." We do have a household budget that we BOTH follow. I am actually in charge of our finances and budget.

Yes, I do most of the household chores because it's convenient for me to do them while home with the kids. But my husband has a normal 9-5 job and also does a lot of housework and childcare. We both work hard and we both have the same amount of leisure time. He is not coming home from work and having a beer while I continue to do things around the house.

OP here. I said one of the reasons my husband fell in love with me was because of our jobs. That is not the only reason. He loves me for many reasons, as I do him. He also loves how amazing of a mom I am and tells me that everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying to me to keep seeing these posts from
Women. Why don’t you go back to work and see how it is? You had 6 months off and suddenly you’re ready to throw away your career and put in your resignation. No wonder employers don’t like women. I felt the same with my first, yes it sucks and yes it felt wrong to leave. But I didn’t jump to it’s time to stay home mentality but rather can I do this and see how it is and then decide? I cobbled some childcare for the next few months and guess what? I liked working and my baby wasn’t a baby anymore and I continued my career.

To your original question, of course things will change for the worse, you are not solely financially dependent on your spouse, I GUARANTEE you you’ll have fights about chores, and you’ll feel guilty about asking for help or things to do. I’m fine if you want to pick this course of action, but damn, go back to your job a bit don’t just end it because you spent a few months home with a newborn.

Or vice versa.
Take another six months off and see if you are more comfortable with leaving a toddler, rather than a newborn, and going back to work.
There is no reason this has to be an all or nothing decision.

OP here. I haven’t made any decision about staying at home. I extended my maternity leave until 6 months, but I might go back at least PT.

If you are working in direct patient care and need to keep your credentials, then of course you should go back part time. The question is: "how part time?" Do you want to go back 36 hours/wk? Or do you want to go back 10 hours/month?

Part time in healthcare can be complicated. If you need to work 12 hr shifts, and you can't count on your DH to be home at a certain time, you'll likely need 2 nannies. Having two separate nannies to cover part time hours will be a challenge.

OP here. I don’t work 12 hour shifts now. I work M-F, 8 hour days. I would only take a job where I would work M-F and no more than 8 hours.