Does you relationship change if you stay home ( for moms)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, turn this around. Are you willing to give up someting important to you (staying home with your kids) just so your relationship dynamic will stay the same? I don't see how that is at all empowering to you.

If your husband only loves and values you for your job, then that's a problem.

I stay home with my kids (4 and 2) and have no regrets. Yes it is hard and sometimes boring, but so are all "jobs."

In Europe, your maternity leave would automaticall be a year or more. The idea that you should only stay home with your baby for 3-6 months is very American. It's not your fault you live in America in 2021 and you're only allowed 3 months home with your baby.

No, I do not have "an allowance." We do have a household budget that we BOTH follow. I am actually in charge of our finances and budget.

Yes, I do most of the household chores because it's convenient for me to do them while home with the kids. But my husband has a normal 9-5 job and also does a lot of housework and childcare. We both work hard and we both have the same amount of leisure time. He is not coming home from work and having a beer while I continue to do things around the house.

OP here. I said one of the reasons my husband fell in love with me was because of our jobs. That is not the only reason. He loves me for many reasons, as I do him. He also loves how amazing of a mom I am and tells me that everyday.

OP none of us are in your marriage and can't tell you what will happen. But I was struck by the bolded. It feels a little weird to me. Every day? He thinks you need this kind of validation this frequently? Do you also tell him he is an amazing father every day? That particular little tidbit feels really unbalanced to me. I've had a lot of friends with kids over the years (they are teens now) and that sort of over-the-top daily affirmation is usually something I associate with people who don't have healthy marriages. I mean your kid is young and everyone is a little nuts when their babies are born, but that dynamic seems a bit much.

Idk. Maybe it's fine. It just jumped out as a little weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, turn this around. Are you willing to give up someting important to you (staying home with your kids) just so your relationship dynamic will stay the same? I don't see how that is at all empowering to you.

If your husband only loves and values you for your job, then that's a problem.

I stay home with my kids (4 and 2) and have no regrets. Yes it is hard and sometimes boring, but so are all "jobs."

In Europe, your maternity leave would automaticall be a year or more. The idea that you should only stay home with your baby for 3-6 months is very American. It's not your fault you live in America in 2021 and you're only allowed 3 months home with your baby.

No, I do not have "an allowance." We do have a household budget that we BOTH follow. I am actually in charge of our finances and budget.

Yes, I do most of the household chores because it's convenient for me to do them while home with the kids. But my husband has a normal 9-5 job and also does a lot of housework and childcare. We both work hard and we both have the same amount of leisure time. He is not coming home from work and having a beer while I continue to do things around the house.

OP here. I said one of the reasons my husband fell in love with me was because of our jobs. That is not the only reason. He loves me for many reasons, as I do him. He also loves how amazing of a mom I am and tells me that everyday.

OP none of us are in your marriage and can't tell you what will happen. But I was struck by the bolded. It feels a little weird to me. Every day? He thinks you need this kind of validation this frequently? Do you also tell him he is an amazing father every day? That particular little tidbit feels really unbalanced to me. I've had a lot of friends with kids over the years (they are teens now) and that sort of over-the-top daily affirmation is usually something I associate with people who don't have healthy marriages. I mean your kid is young and everyone is a little nuts when their babies are born, but that dynamic seems a bit much.

Idk. Maybe it's fine. It just jumped out as a little weird.

It is weird but I think OP wants validation from DCUM so she added that, but I doubt it actually happens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, you need to stop worrying about this and do whatever you want to do. I’m sorry to be a witch, but doctors don’t marry nurses because they are impressed with their career ambition. (Frankly, most doctors don’t have a lot of respect for people in any other career path at all. And I say this as a psychiatrist, which is definitely the minivan of specialties.)
If he isn’t looking at you as “just a nurse” now, then he won’t look at you as “just a mom” when you SAH.

Lol the minivan of specialties...I lol'ed at this. I'm an ER doc, which is maybe the Toyota of specialities (it ain't fancy but it'll get you there?)...anyway OP just chiming in to say the utility of your career as an NP is super high. I have no idea how your marital dynamic will change staying home. What I can say is that mid-level providers (or APPs, whatever your preferred terminology is), have the absolute best of both worlds in medicine. You have better hours than we do as MDs, less liability, better overall happiness (studies bear this out), and less debt. You may earn less, but on avg APPs still exceed or approach 6 figures. I say all this to point out that if there's any way to satisfy your desire to stay home with your babies (which I totally get) but keep a foot in your career to transition back at some point, you absolutely will want to do this. You have the golden goose of careers: meaningful, lucrative, stable. The economics of medicine just don't favor docs anymore. Most of our groups are owned by hedge funds who think we're too expensive and could give 2 sh*ts that most of us went 200K+ into debt to earn our degree. That was the medicine of the 80's and we're not there anymore, so it's on us to pay our debts off and survive in this landscape. It's not great, I'll tell you. But as a midlevel your desirability will go up, not down, for the next 2 decades, which are your earning years. All this is to say I'd look at this less as how your husband will regard you, and more from a standpoint of the smartest plan, and do that. The rest of the stuff has a way of working out when you approach it that way. And if it's a disaster, you can reassess. But disconnecting from a clinical career for too long makes it super hard to go back. You will want to eventually. Just keep that door cracked open.

Haha! I like that about the Toyota. I have worked in the ED most of my career, and am working on opening a PES at my institution right now.
I tell med students that psychiatry is the minivan of specialties. No one is going to think it’s cool, but if it’s what you want, nothing else is really going to work.

I absolutely agree that APP’s are valuable, and I wouldn’t quit entirely. It is very hard to get back in once you do that. However, my husband is a surgeon, and there are times that my time is better spent at home with the family, rather than working. I have had very good luck picking up once a month weekend hospital coverage or overnight call for ED consults when I wanted to be out of the workforce, but keep my toe in. I wouldn’t bank on getting a part-time 9-5 job, OP. Look outside that world and consider inpatient work at odd hours that need to be filled. You will have a lot more pull.

Toyota/ED doc here. Minivan/Psychiatrist is right on. The ability to work non-traditional hours/part time is a lifeline to your career that most other professions don't have. My DH is with DOJ and very 9-5; his traditional work hours are great with my non-traditional work hours, we pay for almost no childcare bc he's home if I work nights or weekends. Also ready for this? I see patients twice a week. That's it. I got to know the admin folks at my shop and took on more duties there, which I now do from home, which conveniently wrap up when DD finishes school at 2:45p. Now when I do see patients it's brutal. I won't lie. I'm at a level 1 trauma center and we joke that it's a contact sport, especially last year. But for me, the compensation is worth it. Point is, you can craft your career any way you want, then shift it again. But clinical medicine is like a high wire...if you don't keep walking on it you start looking down and that view is scary.

Look your little ones are so precious...being a mom is the joy of my life. Don't mistake this advice as prioritizing work over family. What I tell female med students is, you can have it all. But *not* at the same time. If this is the time for your babies, make that time and enjoy every second. You'll never regret that. Just know that there will likely come a time you will need/want this other piece; taking steps to protect that future option will set you up for success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, turn this around. Are you willing to give up someting important to you (staying home with your kids) just so your relationship dynamic will stay the same? I don't see how that is at all empowering to you.

If your husband only loves and values you for your job, then that's a problem.

I stay home with my kids (4 and 2) and have no regrets. Yes it is hard and sometimes boring, but so are all "jobs."

In Europe, your maternity leave would automaticall be a year or more. The idea that you should only stay home with your baby for 3-6 months is very American. It's not your fault you live in America in 2021 and you're only allowed 3 months home with your baby.

No, I do not have "an allowance." We do have a household budget that we BOTH follow. I am actually in charge of our finances and budget.

Yes, I do most of the household chores because it's convenient for me to do them while home with the kids. But my husband has a normal 9-5 job and also does a lot of housework and childcare. We both work hard and we both have the same amount of leisure time. He is not coming home from work and having a beer while I continue to do things around the house.

OP here. I said one of the reasons my husband fell in love with me was because of our jobs. That is not the only reason. He loves me for many reasons, as I do him. He also loves how amazing of a mom I am and tells me that everyday.

I wasn't saying your husband only loves you for your job. I'm saying if he DID, and it would change his opinion of you if you stayed home with your baby, that would be a problem.
Based on your responses, it sounds like you really want to stay home and think it will turn out okay for you guys. Go for it! It really just sounds like you need to undo some "programming" you've had about "independent women" etc. PS DCUM is not the place to come if you're looking for a supportive community for SAHM's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you’re on maternity leave, what do you talk about when he gets home from work? That will tell you if you’re likely to be less interesting.

What do you envision SAHP to look like? Are you going to take classes and visit museums (post Covid) and have a structure or are you going to sleep in and “figure it out” day by day. Do you have SAHM friends?

Of my friends who have made SAHP work and not lost their identities, some have kept a toe in the workplace, some have taken on a side project that needs time and attention (remodeled a bathroom, finished a basement) one wrote a book but she’s a massive overachiever, one did an immersive language study with her son. None of them were “just” a mom.

OP here. We talk about his day, my day, the baby, world events, etc. I do have two friends who just had babies too. They will be staying home for 6+ months too. I plan to do many activities like workout classes and infant classes when it’s safe.

I don’t even sleep in now. My son ( almost 3 months old) is already on a schedule. We get up at 7am everyday and still do daily walks and weekly hang out with friends.

You have your 3 month old on a schedule? He is way too young for that. I hope you don’t do CIO.

+1. This is sad.

By 3 months my twins were also sleeping 12 hours a night and were on a nap schedule. What is wrong with you people?

And they NEVER cried it out. Not once.

I am not the PP you're questioning but no. My 2 month old is sleeping 12 hours straight, dropped the night feedings all by herself. Never once CIO or even fussed. It is possible. Don't be so committed to your myopic worldview, it reads as ignorant.

Ha, I should have been clearer - I was the PP with twins and I wanted to add that they never cried it out. But I agree with everything you have said. I don't know why people like to pretend that it's impossible to get kids on a schedule without torturing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with previous poster. I was also complicit in that I felt like I had to deal with all the household things, since my SPOUSE WAS WORKING. Getting a part-time job helped me snap out of it. I also occasionally say I have a meeting conflict when he wants me to do something, to reset his entitlement tendencies.

Yes. Had to be vigilant and maintain a norm of me having a calendar and not just being available to do whatever he happened to prefer at all times.

The hardest part was the tone of voice, the manager-subordinate phrasing and tone that crept in from his office. These things are insidious and very hard to keep from happening.

Yes, the reminder phone calls regarding the list he has left for you, and your failure to respond in a timely manner. Glad I went back to work.

I am a stay at home mom to a 2 yo and 4 yo and this has never once happened to me. I am the one sending my spouse lists because he is "only working" whereas I am really busy with the kids.

I would love to get your husband's take on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, turn this around. Are you willing to give up someting important to you (staying home with your kids) just so your relationship dynamic will stay the same? I don't see how that is at all empowering to you.

If your husband only loves and values you for your job, then that's a problem.

I stay home with my kids (4 and 2) and have no regrets. Yes it is hard and sometimes boring, but so are all "jobs."

In Europe, your maternity leave would automaticall be a year or more. The idea that you should only stay home with your baby for 3-6 months is very American. It's not your fault you live in America in 2021 and you're only allowed 3 months home with your baby.

No, I do not have "an allowance." We do have a household budget that we BOTH follow. I am actually in charge of our finances and budget.

Yes, I do most of the household chores because it's convenient for me to do them while home with the kids. But my husband has a normal 9-5 job and also does a lot of housework and childcare. We both work hard and we both have the same amount of leisure time. He is not coming home from work and having a beer while I continue to do things around the house.

OP here. I said one of the reasons my husband fell in love with me was because of our jobs. That is not the only reason. He loves me for many reasons, as I do him. He also loves how amazing of a mom I am and tells me that everyday.

Every response from you is basically how great things are and what a wonderful husband you have. That is awesome. But why the crowdsource then? Of course we don’t know what your husband will think of you when/if you are a SAHM.

OP here. Did you not read my original post? It was to see if and how people’s marriages changed once they stayed home. Some said their husbands turned into jerks. I put out there that my husband isn’t like that. That doesn’t mean I’m not still looking and reading other posters experiences and advice.

I just wanted to point out that those posters said their husbands TURNED INTO jerks, not that they were before. As one said, it's a slippery slope. She even said her husband was a great guy. But yes, they can easily get used to the idea that someone is home all the time and therefore that person should handle all of everything kid and home related. Honestly even if you stayed home for two to three years it's possible that it would be really hard to get rid of that dynamic once you went back to work.

[Anonymous]

I think any major life change opens the door for a change in the relationship good or bad. Only you know your relationship dynamics to make a guess as to how your DH will react/change to this lifestyle change in your relationship.
I will say that often times resentment builds up on both sides in situations like this. It does put a lot of burden on DH to provide for him, wife, baby and the future. He may care more about what you spend and how you spend it than he does now or if you were brining in money. Be prepared for critiques and questions that perhaps don't exist now.
You will be relying on him for money whether you like it or not. that may not feel great to you after a while and he may not agree on what amount you 'need' to use each week. Are you prepared to go back to work if it is not working out or will you dig in and stay in a bad situation for your relationship because you are trying to prove a point.
You need to do what is best for your family now and in the future but to come here, ask for help and then say none of it applies to you tells me you don't really want to acknowledge that in all likelihood things will change. You want us to say to DO IT!!!! So you don't have to make the tough decision to stay home and can blame us when it goes south.

[Anonymous]

Lady, you have an answer for EVERYTHING.
We get it. Your life is perfect. Your kid is perfect. Your DH is perfect. Nothing in your life will ever change no matter what decision you make.
Why the heck are you even on here????

[Anonymous]

I made the decision to stay home full time after our first child was born and both my husband and I really appreciate it. Like any life decision, there are pros and cons, but I'm happy with our chore and caretaking split and I love feeling less rushed. When we were first married I worked full time and my husband worked part time so he understands how much work taking care of household tasks is.

[Anonymous]

My wife has been a SAHM for 13 years now. It's changed our relationship. She has some resentment over the situation, she will acknowledge it's bit rational but it's there. We both met in grad school, graduated near top of class. I am very successful professionally and make good money and she feels stuck at home even through she could go back with my full support. It was her choice to stay at home.

Our romantic life is awful. I think part of it is she doesn't get dressed up for work and have adult interaction all day.

Of course, who knows if our relationship would have been great it she worked the whole time, that's a whole different level of relationship stress.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT DO IT unless you are independently wealthy. As me how i know...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did marry a wonderful man who is super supportive and really into request partnership. He is the cook in our relationship and likes to clean. He said it “ takes away his stress” to do menial tasks. We do have tasks divided based on preference. He is also a very involved father and has really enjoyed being a dad. We are financially stable. He has always out earned by 3x my salary.

I’m not so much worried about equal partnership, as much as his perfection of me. I know that I will most likely be doing more since I’m staying at home. He has always been very proud of me with my career, and I worry that may change. Like he will stop seeing me as this strong, driven woman and more as an assistant or “ just a mom”.

Who cares how he sees you? How do you see you? How do you feel? If you’re happy with the decision he can adjust. If you’re worried about what his perception of you will be over your happiness you’ll just grow to resent him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT DO IT unless you are independently wealthy. As me how i know...

This seems like such an odd response to me.
Not everyone needs to be wealthy. The OP is a nurse practitioner. I am sure that she could make enough to live if she and her husband were to get divorced, and the odds of two professionals getting divorced just aren’t that high. Or at least not high enough to spend most of your day to day life taking measures to mitigate the impact of it does happen.

[Anonymous]

Stay at home wives are household managers not nannies.