Stigma against "young moms"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is stigma against young mothers. There is stigma against older mothers. There is stigma against working moms. There is stigma against SAHMs. There is stigma against women who chose not to become a mother. There is stigma against women who struggle to become moms (though weirdly it’s started to feel like this is the one woman we’re ok with because she wants to be a mom but hasn’t achieved it — we feel sorry for her but don’t hate her, lucky her).

So often these conversations wind up falling apart as women argue over their choices and options and how they are treated by other women... there is no way to resolve it among ourselves. Women are set up to compete with each other and them criticized when we do.

It’s misogyny. All of it. And the best thing we as women could do is simply support and defend each other against it, rather than seizing an opportunity to position ourselves as “one of the good women who made the right choices.” You see, there are no right choices. Half the time, what is treated as choice is not.

I love young moms and old moms and women who are not moms and working women and trans women and tired women and happy women and all the women. You are all doing great. Let’s make sure we all have access to healthcare (including abortions and birth control), access to economic independence, and freedom from harassment and assault. Everything else is immaterial.

Brilliant I love this. I hope this writer is in a position to share these comments from the mountain tops- a health care provider, an advocate, a teacher? Who are you?!! This is simply wonderful. More of this type of discourse will help all women and their loved ones achieve what they want for their own respective lives.

That is nice of you to say, thank you. I'm glad this is resonating with people because it's how I really feel. Sadly, I don't have many opportunities to sing this from the mountain tops -- I'm just a harried mom trying desperately to make a living and do right by my kid. But I do try to support the women in my life when I can, and I try to teach my daughter to see the systems of oppression and know she doesn't have to be a part of them. Doing my best in my little corner of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People used to think I was the nanny (now they think I’m the sister), but that’s not being judgmental, it’s just making logical assumptions about how people look.

I personally haven’t felt judged for being a young mom, but I am only around really chill people. I do wonder if people who sense judgment about being young mothers are kind of insecure about their decision to be a young mother? I used to feel that way about being a stay at home mom—I was hyper conscious about any judgment about not working that came my way, even though there was very little. Now I’m really happy being a stay at home mom and I don’t even think about what others think about it.

But of course people are going to judge literally any decision a mom makes, so I’m sure the judgment is abundant, even if most of it is behind your back.

THIS 100%

People who are insecure feel judged. Those who are secure do not.

[Anonymous]

Today I saw a 50 year old pregnant and not going to lie I did judge a bit.

[Anonymous]

I don’t personally feel judged but I feel like people are a little envious that I’ll be an empty-nester at age 46. I don’t really think much about all this though. I do feel bad for people whose close friends and acquaintances would say something judgmental though.

[Anonymous]

There is absolutely a stigma against young parents.

Which seems like one of the dumber things, evolutionarily speaking, our species has come up with.

It's like some vicious anti-human with incredible influence (Anna Wintour maybe?) started a rumor that "all the cool kids are waiting to have kids..." and it STUCK!

And bam, group think amongst those who consider themselves "upper" something (educated, class, income) decided to vilify those who choose to have children while they are young, fertile, and healthy.

It's totally ass-backwards.

We are Ivy educated, both went to grad school, well employed, and decided to have kids in our late 20s. Our peers treated us like we are some weird Mormon extremists! The confusion, and sometimes disdain, was palpable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is absolutely a stigma against young parents.

Which seems like one of the dumber things, evolutionarily speaking, our species has come up with.

It's like some vicious anti-human with incredible influence (Anna Wintour maybe?) started a rumor that "all the cool kids are waiting to have kids..." and it STUCK!

And bam, group think amongst those who consider themselves "upper" something (educated, class, income) decided to vilify those who choose to have children while they are young, fertile, and healthy.

It's totally ass-backwards.

We are Ivy educated, both went to grad school, well employed, and decided to have kids in our late 20s. Our peers treated us like we are some weird Mormon extremists! The confusion, and sometimes disdain, was palpable.

Anna Wintour has two children and is close to both of them.

[Anonymous]

There’s even a stigma for young moms who use this website! Plenty of older mothers look down on younger mothers for not taking time to travel, improve their economic status or career, etc.
I think the big drama with Liz Bruenig, honestly, is that she’s a young Catholic who leans into her trad-wife identity while also being pretty liberal. Her whole shtick is that she is different (religious, traditional) than most of her millennial peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be unusual in the circles that Liz Bruenig travels in in DC, but I don't know that the uncommonness means there's a "stigma." I'm mostly around other mid-30's parents but I've never heard them conspiratorially whisper about the handful at the playground who are younger.

And no one should obsess over it, anyways. By the time you have kids--whatever age you are when you have them--you should at least be mature enough to stop giving a crap what other people think. I wasn't ready at 25, I was at 35. If Liz B was ready at 25, why should she care that my life played out differently? Or vice versa? My mom had me at 23, my sister had her first kid at 22, and the average age for first pregnancy where I came from is probably around that. But I really don't care whether or not anyone from home thinks that I had mine "too late" or whatever.

Now, does anyone know what Liz Bruenig is talking about with her preschool situation? She says that the other parents seemed like they couldn't understand how she afforded it, but she says it was a free DC PK3 and the other families were paying families from the suburbs. Am I out of the loop for never having heard of a facility like that? I thought all of the DC PK3's were their own, city-funded facilities. Are there some where out-of-staters can pay? (It's a little weird for Bruenig's fellow parents that they were sending their kids to a DC PK3 and somehow didn't understand that it was free for the DC residents like Bruenig.)

This was actually my main take away LOL. I live in DC. What the hell is she talking about?

Some non-public DC preschools are CBOs who get subsidized by DC's pre-school expansion program, so DC children can attend for free. Those classrooms follow DCPS curriculum and other rules. My son was in a subsidized PK3 classroom. I have never heard of kids from the suburbs attending, though.

[Anonymous]

I am so glad I had my kids at 24 and 26. I was an empty nester at 43 ( younger one started college a year early). My friend had a 2 year old at 43. We can travel and do whatever we want. Why would I want to be in my 40s with babies? None of that 20s partying would have been worth it. Why put off kids?

It was so easy. I was energetic. I don't understand mom's who need their mom to come help for months after giving birth. I left the hospital after 24 hrs ( first child) and 8 hrs (second child )after giving birth. Getting up at night was no big deal. I trained them to sleep through the night by 6 weeks. My older one slept 7pm-7am. It was easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s even a stigma for young moms who use this website! Plenty of older mothers look down on younger mothers for not taking time to travel, improve their economic status or career, etc.
I think the big drama with Liz Bruenig, honestly, is that she’s a young Catholic who leans into her trad-wife identity while also being pretty liberal. Her whole shtick is that she is different (religious, traditional) than most of her millennial peers.

Why do they assume I didn't do those things? I had kids at 24 and 26. We are very well off. More than most. I have a bachelor's and dh has a master's. We traveled always. We traveled with the kids starting at 3 months old. My older mom friends act like vacationing is no fun with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so glad I had my kids at 24 and 26. I was an empty nester at 43 ( younger one started college a year early). My friend had a 2 year old at 43. We can travel and do whatever we want. Why would I want to be in my 40s with babies? None of that 20s partying would have been worth it. Why put off kids?

It was so easy. I was energetic. I don't understand mom's who need their mom to come help for months after giving birth. I left the hospital after 24 hrs ( first child) and 8 hrs (second child )after giving birth. Getting up at night was no big deal. I trained them to sleep through the night by 6 weeks. My older one slept 7pm-7am. It was easy.

I am 43 and enjoying life with my 3 kids. My youngest is 4 and I adore her. I went to college, grad school, partied and traveled a ton in my 20. I had 3 children in my 30s and juggled being a working mom and PT working mom. Now I am a SAHM of 3 and trying to really enjoy them and life. We travel as a family and I am also able to travel with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s even a stigma for young moms who use this website! Plenty of older mothers look down on younger mothers for not taking time to travel, improve their economic status or career, etc.
I think the big drama with Liz Bruenig, honestly, is that she’s a young Catholic who leans into her trad-wife identity while also being pretty liberal. Her whole shtick is that she is different (religious, traditional) than most of her millennial peers.

Why do they assume I didn't do those things? I had kids at 24 and 26. We are very well off. More than most. I have a bachelor's and dh has a master's. We traveled always. We traveled with the kids starting at 3 months old. My older mom friends act like vacationing is no fun with kids.

I'm so glad to hear from someone who did this. I had my one and only at 26 a couple years ago and I feel like the timing was great. And aside from pandemic we have always traveled with our daughter. The thing that makes vacations fun with a kid is that she sleeps properly tbh

Another plus for me was that the career years I missed were junior, low-stakes years. I caught right up when I returned. And in fact make a higher salary than many of my peers who are waiting to have kids later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Today I saw a 50 year old pregnant and not going to lie I did judge a bit.

I do too, I find photos of late forty or fifty something women with pregnant bellies, wrinkles, and gray hair to be kind of repulsive. I think the same about old men having babies too. It goes against nature.

[Anonymous]

People always say that your twenties is for “finding yourself” as a person. Well, for me, part of finding myself involved becoming a mom. As a mother, I feel more authentically myself, truer to my core values and priorities, than anywhere else in my life. I still work, travel, go out with friends, have a great marriage, etc. But I love being a mom. I love it more than anything else I do. They’re my favorite people to spend time with.

It’s strange to me that other parents would find this hard to understand. Don’t we all fall madly in love with our kids?

[Anonymous]

I think Elizabeth Bruenig writes for clicks.