Stigma against "young moms"?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

My husband and I were 34 when our twins were born (spontaneous, not IVF, not that it matters to me). He's amazing. Well-settled in his career, super involved, and a great husband. He does at least 50% and often more than that.

My good friend had her first at 27 and her husband just left her for his AP. He was always a terrible husband and is also being a terrible father during the divorce (using the kids as pawns, etc.).

I say the above just to say that you cannot and never will be able to make generalizations about the age at which people get married or the age at which people have their kids. And frankly, doing so makes you like kind of moronic. I'm saying this to both sides, by the way, so even though I fall into the "older mom" camp, I'm not on the side of the PP above who started this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This.
WOHM here with a 5yo and a 1 yo. Struggling with the mental load. DH does stuff to help out if I ask, but I have to ask. And then he doesn’t really know what is being done, so I end up feeling like a micromanager, and I certainly do not enjoy being a micromanager. But he depends on me to do all the planning, to know schedules, make appointments, etc. I can’t just trust that he will take the initiative with these things.
Both of our DDs have food allergies, and one has had a severe anaphylactic reaction. He still doesn’t get the whole deal with reading labels, avoiding cross-contamination, etc...so food is all on me, too.

I would LOSE IT with him over this and would drag his butt to counseling. And to all of the doctors appointments, and all of the allergist appointments until he started reading labels and paying attention.

My husband, who is a step-dad, pays very close attention to the things my child can and cannot eat (and its not because of allergies, its because of dental issues and ASD pickiness). My husband reads labels, helps us make good choices, and can do the grocery shopping for the whole family. I would very seriously consider divorcing a man who couldn't be bothered to learn about his children's anaphylactic allergy food restrictions (and would document the negligence and use it to get supervised visitation ffs).

It is a learning curve, I guess. I’ve always managed our older DD’s food allergy restrictions, but younger DD’s are far more concerning and more prevalent in non-food items, plus she is contact-reactive. Stuff he doesn’t think of, like sunscreens and lotions, dog food, washing his hands if he has eaten her allergen, etc.
But, it is additional mental load for me, and he’s just really slow at absorbing new info.

[Anonymous]

Seriously you all need to stop. A mom is a mom. It doesn't matter how old you all, we are all doing what is right for us at any point in our lives.

[Anonymous]

I know I lucked out in the husband lottery, but I always thought I had the best of both worlds. Met and married DH young (24 and 25 when we married), but waited until 30 for kids. Our families flipped out on us when we got married so young. My mom even had a speech to me about how she wasn't ready to be a grandma. The seamstress for my wedding dress told me I looked like a child bride (and I did not!). By the time we had our first baby at 30, our families were BEGGING us to have grandchildren for them.

Society just seems to have a very narrow window of when it's acceptable to marry and have children. The real focus should be on making sure that you're marrying the love of your life and that you both know yourselves and what you want before marriage.

Also, it's sad to me that people seem to be putting their lives on hold until they're empty nesters. I'm sure I'll enjoy it, but we've worked on enjoying every age of our marriage. And this current phase with small kids is my favorite!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's unquestionably a thing in the highly educated, UMC, elite professional circles that people like Liz Bruenig run in

This.

And if you were in a different socio-economic bracket in a different part of the country, having your kids in your mid to late 30s would be a thing.

It's not personal. You're just going against the herd a bit in terms of timing and people will endlessly comment on people who are outside the norm because it makes insecure people feel forced to question their own decision making. If everyone does the same thing, it feels safer.

OP here. I get this but it's weird that people still feel the need to comment on it to me at 39 because I have a thirteen year old and they maybe have a toddler or baby. I sometimes feel like saying, look I'm sorry you're stuck in the parenting trenches right now but you'll come out on the other side too, lol. It doesn't stay that hard forever.

OP I also had my first at 26 and he’s now 12. It wasn’t planned but whatever. I had a graduate degree already.

Harpies are gonna harp. My favorite is “what happens when you’re in your mid 40s and empty nesters! That’s so lonely!” Umm well we’re you lonely in your early 30s? Will you be less lonely as 60 year old empty nesters? Because at 60 I’ll probably have grandkids.

That said I don’t get a lot of comments. And I don’t look old.

[Anonymous]

Only on DCUM do we refer to this as normalizing young motherhood. She had kids at about dead average age of most women’s first baby. But since affluent DC is the center of the universe, that can’t be right, can it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This.
WOHM here with a 5yo and a 1 yo. Struggling with the mental load. DH does stuff to help out if I ask, but I have to ask. And then he doesn’t really know what is being done, so I end up feeling like a micromanager, and I certainly do not enjoy being a micromanager. But he depends on me to do all the planning, to know schedules, make appointments, etc. I can’t just trust that he will take the initiative with these things.
Both of our DDs have food allergies, and one has had a severe anaphylactic reaction. He still doesn’t get the whole deal with reading labels, avoiding cross-contamination, etc...so food is all on me, too.

I would LOSE IT with him over this and would drag his butt to counseling. And to all of the doctors appointments, and all of the allergist appointments until he started reading labels and paying attention.

My husband, who is a step-dad, pays very close attention to the things my child can and cannot eat (and its not because of allergies, its because of dental issues and ASD pickiness). My husband reads labels, helps us make good choices, and can do the grocery shopping for the whole family. I would very seriously consider divorcing a man who couldn't be bothered to learn about his children's anaphylactic allergy food restrictions (and would document the negligence and use it to get supervised visitation ffs).

It is a learning curve, I guess. I’ve always managed our older DD’s food allergy restrictions, but younger DD’s are far more concerning and more prevalent in non-food items, plus she is contact-reactive. Stuff he doesn’t think of, like sunscreens and lotions, dog food, washing his hands if he has eaten her allergen, etc.
But, it is additional mental load for me, and he’s just really slow at absorbing new info.

No seriously, I'd be LIVID with him and would FORCE him to learn, and now. My husband has been doing this for 18mo to 2 years (we just got married, he started before we married but well after we were serious), and he's never once messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally can't wait til our kids are in college when we're 47 and we spending weekends at our cabin and traveling often.

Bet our friends with 4yos will feel differently then.

The bottom line is you can either be completely free to travel in your 50s or in your 20s. Everybody's just choosing whether to have fun when you're young or old. I know people who are empty nesters in their 40s and they seem to spend a lot of time on cruises, which: more power to you if that's your bag, but no thanks.

This

[Anonymous]

Same time of DCUM stop fighting old mom vs young mom.

Stop trying to prove you made the right choice and pat yourselves on the back. It’s absurd.

There are crappy young parents and crappy old parents. I have seen plenty of both. Surprise, people aren’t monoliths and react differently to life changes. The crappy young parents I know would not be better if they wanted a decade or two to have their first kid-they just aren’t cut out for it. And vice versatile for the older ones.

[Anonymous]

There was a stigma when my mom had me at 16 in small town. No doubt there is a stigma around every choice that women make, no matter where they are. There's even a stigma around some of the choices that men make, like choosing to be a stay at home dad.

[Anonymous]

I got married and had our kids in my 20s. I know a few women who would have had (more) children earlier had they found the right partner. I think the delay in childbearing is more due to delayed marriage. I am happy I had my children young. My I was pregnant a year after marriage. But I married someone older who very much wanted children, so again, a lot of it comes back to the men.

[Anonymous]

Definitely a thing in my current circle (primarily made up of law school grads/biglaw attorneys) — really no babies before 30ish.