Stigma against "young moms"?

[Anonymous]

Do you think there is a wide societal stigma against "young moms" aka women having children in their twenties?

Elizabeth Bruenig's NYT mother's day column gets into this a bit: "I had a baby at 25 and don't regret it." It was pretty benign if you actually read it but it kicked off a firestorm in the comments section and twitter.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/07/opinion/motherhood-baby-bust-early-parenthood.html

The thing is, I agree with her. There is a social stigma around childbirth for women in their twenties. I had my first at 26 in NYC and was disappointed by most people's responses, which a.) assumed it was an accident and b.) were plainly curious about why I was not seeking out an abortion (um, because it was an intended pregnancy and a child I wanted to raise??). My boss actually told me she was disappointed in me. SMH. He's 13 now and I STILL get weird reactions from new people when they find out I have a 13 year old, as if I was an unwed teenage mother when I had him. I was 26 and married, that is not young! lol

This is really bizarre right? What do you think? Would you be disappointed if your daughter had a child at 25 or 26?

[Anonymous]

Yes, judging by the looks I got at 25 when I had DC1. In this area. It’s probably different in more rural, less educated regions.

[Anonymous]

No I don’t. I think this is an Internet thing.

[Anonymous]

It's unquestionably a thing in the highly educated, UMC, elite professional circles that people like Liz Bruenig run in

[Anonymous]

There is stigma against young mothers. There is stigma against older mothers. There is stigma against working moms. There is stigma against SAHMs. There is stigma against women who chose not to become a mother. There is stigma against women who struggle to become moms (though weirdly it’s started to feel like this is the one woman we’re ok with because she wants to be a mom but hasn’t achieved it — we feel sorry for her but don’t hate her, lucky her).

So often these conversations wind up falling apart as women argue over their choices and options and how they are treated by other women... there is no way to resolve it among ourselves. Women are set up to compete with each other and them criticized when we do.

It’s misogyny. All of it. And the best thing we as women could do is simply support and defend each other against it, rather than seizing an opportunity to position ourselves as “one of the good women who made the right choices.” You see, there are no right choices. Half the time, what is treated as choice is not.

I love young moms and old moms and women who are not moms and working women and trans women and tired women and happy women and all the women. You are all doing great. Let’s make sure we all have access to healthcare (including abortions and birth control), access to economic independence, and freedom from harassment and assault. Everything else is immaterial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, judging by the looks I got at 25 when I had DC1. In this area. It’s probably different in more rural, less educated regions.

It's weird though because it's actually better for the baby to have young parents with young genetic material.

I am turning 40 this year. I am active, fit, workout several times a week. I bent over to pick something up the other and put my back out! I actually fell on the floor from the pain of the muscle spasm.

I'm glad I'm not picking up a baby or a toddler all the time.

[Anonymous]

Yeah in the Midwest people assume your working on your second family if you have a kid over the age of 30.

[Anonymous]

If you have your first baby at 29-34, no one cares. Then you're allowed one more and that's it. Any other reproductive choices, people feel free to openly question and criticize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unquestionably a thing in the highly educated, UMC, elite professional circles that people like Liz Bruenig run in

This.

And if you were in a different socio-economic bracket in a different part of the country, having your kids in your mid to late 30s would be a thing.

It's not personal. You're just going against the herd a bit in terms of timing and people will endlessly comment on people who are outside the norm because it makes insecure people feel forced to question their own decision making. If everyone does the same thing, it feels safer.

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird, yes, but I don't think it's "bad" - family planning decisions are inherently personal. I don't think I have any friends who had a kid in their 20s. I enjoyed being carefree and leaning hard into establishing my career in my 20s. I am now enjoying being a parent in my 30s. I also enjoy doing these things on the same timeline as my peers, because it makes it easier to maintain existing friendships when you're in the same stage of life. I, and a freakish percentage of my friends, had my first kid at 33. I had my second at 35 and am now pregnant with my third at 38. This has worked out well for me as we have a lot more income than we did in our 20s, we're senior at work, and our friends are down to hang out in the yard together rather than hitting the bars. But a different person likely has a different set of factors and priorities and having a child younger could make sense in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I don’t. I think this is an Internet thing.

This.

[Anonymous]

Maybe but my mom faced a lot of backlash in 1967 when she had my sister at age 20. and she had been married for two years. So not necessarily anything new?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is stigma against young mothers. There is stigma against older mothers. There is stigma against working moms. There is stigma against SAHMs. There is stigma against women who chose not to become a mother. There is stigma against women who struggle to become moms (though weirdly it’s started to feel like this is the one woman we’re ok with because she wants to be a mom but hasn’t achieved it — we feel sorry for her but don’t hate her, lucky her).

So often these conversations wind up falling apart as women argue over their choices and options and how they are treated by other women... there is no way to resolve it among ourselves. Women are set up to compete with each other and them criticized when we do.

It’s misogyny. All of it. And the best thing we as women could do is simply support and defend each other against it, rather than seizing an opportunity to position ourselves as “one of the good women who made the right choices.” You see, there are no right choices. Half the time, what is treated as choice is not.

I love young moms and old moms and women who are not moms and working women and trans women and tired women and happy women and all the women. You are all doing great. Let’s make sure we all have access to healthcare (including abortions and birth control), access to economic independence, and freedom from harassment and assault. Everything else is immaterial.

Thank you! Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's weird, yes, but I don't think it's "bad" - family planning decisions are inherently personal. I don't think I have any friends who had a kid in their 20s. I enjoyed being carefree and leaning hard into establishing my career in my 20s. I am now enjoying being a parent in my 30s. I also enjoy doing these things on the same timeline as my peers, because it makes it easier to maintain existing friendships when you're in the same stage of life. I, and a freakish percentage of my friends, had my first kid at 33. I had my second at 35 and am now pregnant with my third at 38. This has worked out well for me as we have a lot more income than we did in our 20s, we're senior at work, and our friends are down to hang out in the yard together rather than hitting the bars. But a different person likely has a different set of factors and priorities and having a child younger could make sense in their life.

^ and I would be disappointed if either of my sons had a kid in his 20s. At 25 you are barely out of, or not out of, grad school. It's so much harder to establish your career if you have competing priorities so early on.

[Anonymous]

IME it's regional. Here it's unusual to have kids in your 20s because so many people have advanced degrees and either marry older or both want to be established in their careers before having kids. Plus housing is $$$ and saving up for a down payment/paying off SLs can push the timeline back a few years even if you found your spouse on the younger side. Where I grew up there's a real "get a man to propose to you in college because otherwise all you'll be left with after 25 is the weirdos" attitude and if you don't have your first until your 30s it's seen as very strange/sad. People will assume you're a lesbian if single or experiencing infidelity otherwise. I had someone from my high school tell me that I should just try to get knocked up by a one night stand so that I would "at least have a baby" once - no I was not asking this person for any advice on my life, nor would I have taken any from her. But the mindset of "how sad you have no one to love you" even when I was living in NYC and attending law school in my 20s was not surprising to me. It's a whole vibe back home.

Yet people still have kids outside the accepted regional timeline in both places.