Stigma against "young moms"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is stigma against young mothers. There is stigma against older mothers. There is stigma against working moms. There is stigma against SAHMs. There is stigma against women who chose not to become a mother. There is stigma against women who struggle to become moms (though weirdly it’s started to feel like this is the one woman we’re ok with because she wants to be a mom but hasn’t achieved it — we feel sorry for her but don’t hate her, lucky her).

So often these conversations wind up falling apart as women argue over their choices and options and how they are treated by other women... there is no way to resolve it among ourselves. Women are set up to compete with each other and them criticized when we do.

It’s misogyny. All of it. And the best thing we as women could do is simply support and defend each other against it, rather than seizing an opportunity to position ourselves as “one of the good women who made the right choices.” You see, there are no right choices. Half the time, what is treated as choice is not.

I love young moms and old moms and women who are not moms and working women and trans women and tired women and happy women and all the women. You are all doing great. Let’s make sure we all have access to healthcare (including abortions and birth control), access to economic independence, and freedom from harassment and assault. Everything else is immaterial.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

NP. I think this is an oversimplification (and you are also probably considering only an extremely narrow subset of young dads - those in stable relationships and on a professional track at work; many young dads do not fit those criteria). You are also ignoring the points made earlier that, in many parts of the country, it is the norm and expectation that you get married and have kids young - I am betting there is more pressure to marry and have kids at 25 in an evangelical community than at 35 in NYC. Anyway, my $0.02: my DH and I started dating in college, got married at 28, and had our first kid at 33. I'm very happy with our choices and wouldn't change a thing. But I also think the expectation for what is a "good husband" is very facts and circumstances too. A SAHM's expectations for her husband are going to be very different from mine (I'm in biglaw) because of a different allocation of labor within the relationship. Neither is "better," but the considerations are totally different.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on where you live and your circles. Certainly in DC being an "old mom" is the norm as people here collect degrees and get their careers motored up before settling down. In most other parts of the country people get married in their 20s and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

NP. I think this is an oversimplification (and you are also probably considering only an extremely narrow subset of young dads - those in stable relationships and on a professional track at work; many young dads do not fit those criteria). You are also ignoring the points made earlier that, in many parts of the country, it is the norm and expectation that you get married and have kids young - I am betting there is more pressure to marry and have kids at 25 in an evangelical community than at 35 in NYC. Anyway, my $0.02: my DH and I started dating in college, got married at 28, and had our first kid at 33. I'm very happy with our choices and wouldn't change a thing. But I also think the expectation for what is a "good husband" is very facts and circumstances too. A SAHM's expectations for her husband are going to be very different from mine (I'm in biglaw) because of a different allocation of labor within the relationship. Neither is "better," but the considerations are totally different.

Then maybe it *is* true in the DCUM subset. I don't know. It does seem to track in my social circle. (And I'm also in biglaw.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally can't wait til our kids are in college when we're 47 and we spending weekends at our cabin and traveling often.

Bet our friends with 4yos will feel differently then.

The bottom line is you can either be completely free to travel in your 50s or in your 20s. Everybody's just choosing whether to have fun when you're young or old. I know people who are empty nesters in their 40s and they seem to spend a lot of time on cruises, which: more power to you if that's your bag, but no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

NP. I think this is an oversimplification (and you are also probably considering only an extremely narrow subset of young dads - those in stable relationships and on a professional track at work; many young dads do not fit those criteria). You are also ignoring the points made earlier that, in many parts of the country, it is the norm and expectation that you get married and have kids young - I am betting there is more pressure to marry and have kids at 25 in an evangelical community than at 35 in NYC. Anyway, my $0.02: my DH and I started dating in college, got married at 28, and had our first kid at 33. I'm very happy with our choices and wouldn't change a thing. But I also think the expectation for what is a "good husband" is very facts and circumstances too. A SAHM's expectations for her husband are going to be very different from mine (I'm in biglaw) because of a different allocation of labor within the relationship. Neither is "better," but the considerations are totally different.

Then maybe it *is* true in the DCUM subset. I don't know. It does seem to track in my social circle. (And I'm also in biglaw.)

I think for most working moms (and possibly SAHMs too, though I can't speak to that from personal experience) the issue is mental load. I know it is for me. I love my husband and he does a lot and is reliable, but I still have to quarterback everything. For example, he's happy to carve out time to take a child to the doctor, but he doesn't know when they're due for a checkup, when they last had shots, etc., so I have to track and organize everything and assign out tasks. Anyway this is off topic at this point but I will say, to tie it back to the original discussion, my husband would have been significantly less good at this stuff in his 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

NP. I think this is an oversimplification (and you are also probably considering only an extremely narrow subset of young dads - those in stable relationships and on a professional track at work; many young dads do not fit those criteria). You are also ignoring the points made earlier that, in many parts of the country, it is the norm and expectation that you get married and have kids young - I am betting there is more pressure to marry and have kids at 25 in an evangelical community than at 35 in NYC. Anyway, my $0.02: my DH and I started dating in college, got married at 28, and had our first kid at 33. I'm very happy with our choices and wouldn't change a thing. But I also think the expectation for what is a "good husband" is very facts and circumstances too. A SAHM's expectations for her husband are going to be very different from mine (I'm in biglaw) because of a different allocation of labor within the relationship. Neither is "better," but the considerations are totally different.

You are right, it is an oversimplification, especially when you take into consideration that many me who got married young waited until marriage to have sex.

When I say a “good” husband or dad, I agree that that can vary, but I see so many stories about men who don’t make quality time with kids a priority and who just kind of check out in the relationship at some point. Marriage and kids just don’t seem as intentional. And then there is the yelling, not taking responsibility for a fair share of housework, demanding sex without much effort to nurture the relationship on their part, and the affairs, but I suppose this isn’t limited at all to men who married older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

NP. I think this is an oversimplification (and you are also probably considering only an extremely narrow subset of young dads - those in stable relationships and on a professional track at work; many young dads do not fit those criteria). You are also ignoring the points made earlier that, in many parts of the country, it is the norm and expectation that you get married and have kids young - I am betting there is more pressure to marry and have kids at 25 in an evangelical community than at 35 in NYC. Anyway, my $0.02: my DH and I started dating in college, got married at 28, and had our first kid at 33. I'm very happy with our choices and wouldn't change a thing. But I also think the expectation for what is a "good husband" is very facts and circumstances too. A SAHM's expectations for her husband are going to be very different from mine (I'm in biglaw) because of a different allocation of labor within the relationship. Neither is "better," but the considerations are totally different.

Then maybe it *is* true in the DCUM subset. I don't know. It does seem to track in my social circle. (And I'm also in biglaw.)

I think for most working moms (and possibly SAHMs too, though I can't speak to that from personal experience) the issue is mental load. I know it is for me. I love my husband and he does a lot and is reliable, but I still have to quarterback everything. For example, he's happy to carve out time to take a child to the doctor, but he doesn't know when they're due for a checkup, when they last had shots, etc., so I have to track and organize everything and assign out tasks. Anyway this is off topic at this point but I will say, to tie it back to the original discussion, my husband would have been significantly less good at this stuff in his 20s.

This.
WOHM here with a 5yo and a 1 yo. Struggling with the mental load. DH does stuff to help out if I ask, but I have to ask. And then he doesn’t really know what is being done, so I end up feeling like a micromanager, and I certainly do not enjoy being a micromanager. But he depends on me to do all the planning, to know schedules, make appointments, etc. I can’t just trust that he will take the initiative with these things.
Both of our DDs have food allergies, and one has had a severe anaphylactic reaction. He still doesn’t get the whole deal with reading labels, avoiding cross-contamination, etc...so food is all on me, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

Why must we always think that we are somehow better than people who make different choices or have different circumstances?

I just happened to meet my husband later than you (I was 30 when we married) and although we both wanted children, it took a while (had my first at 36). It's not like I really had much of a choice in the matter. Here I am at 44 with a 4 year old and a 7 year old and an amazing husband and strong marriage. Sorry to disprove your theory!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Young moms seem to adapt to parenting better. Maybe because they're so young they don't realize what they're giving up yet and so it doesn't feel like as much of a sacrifice?

But the ones I meet almost always seem to cheerful and well adjusted. They seem very go with the flow. They're not the harried, stressed out moms I know in their thirties or forties.

I wonder what it is. Less need for sleep?

Not the ones I've met. They're usually stressed for money, their jobs aren't as flexible and kids spend more time in daycare. I even think less patient.

Then again, the moms I know who had kids in their 30s aren't harried or stressed out. We have good spouses and strong savings.

is the bolded a joke?

The pandemic proved that was a lie! LOL

I had kids when I was 26 and 29 (they’re 9 and 12 now) and reading DCUM makes me feel like I have the only good husband in the DMV.

+1, had my first at 27.

This is interesting. I also had my first at 27 and have a very strong marriage. I've long thought it's because we were still young enough to be flexible/willing to change as we dealt with the changes that parenthood brings. I know so many 30 somethings who are still single and sooo inflexible in looking for a mate, that I really wonder how they will ever be able to adjust to parenthood, being a spouse, making sacrifices for others, etc.

I wonder that too. I also wonder if some men who marry and have kids when they are younger are better husbands and dads not because they are better people, but because they got married and had kids because they really wanted to and not because they felt pressure because of their (or their partner’s) age. I am sure most men who get married and have kids do so because they really want to, but there is a lot less pressure to do so when you’re younger.

Why must we always think that we are somehow better than people who make different choices or have different circumstances?

I just happened to meet my husband later than you (I was 30 when we married) and although we both wanted children, it took a while (had my first at 36). It's not like I really had much of a choice in the matter. Here I am at 44 with a 4 year old and a 7 year old and an amazing husband and strong marriage. Sorry to disprove your theory!

Did you see the part where i said, “I am sure most men who marry and have kids do so beside they really want to.”

Nope, you did not disprove my theory.

[Anonymous]

Hm, many of my friends that got married and had kids in their 20s are now getting divorced as their children leave the nest and they realize they want different things from their partners or don't really have anything in common anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This.
WOHM here with a 5yo and a 1 yo. Struggling with the mental load. DH does stuff to help out if I ask, but I have to ask. And then he doesn’t really know what is being done, so I end up feeling like a micromanager, and I certainly do not enjoy being a micromanager. But he depends on me to do all the planning, to know schedules, make appointments, etc. I can’t just trust that he will take the initiative with these things.
Both of our DDs have food allergies, and one has had a severe anaphylactic reaction. He still doesn’t get the whole deal with reading labels, avoiding cross-contamination, etc...so food is all on me, too.

I would LOSE IT with him over this and would drag his butt to counseling. And to all of the doctors appointments, and all of the allergist appointments until he started reading labels and paying attention.

My husband, who is a step-dad, pays very close attention to the things my child can and cannot eat (and its not because of allergies, its because of dental issues and ASD pickiness). My husband reads labels, helps us make good choices, and can do the grocery shopping for the whole family. I would very seriously consider divorcing a man who couldn't be bothered to learn about his children's anaphylactic allergy food restrictions (and would document the negligence and use it to get supervised visitation ffs).