Stigma against "young moms"?

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 27 and did not feel any stigma.
My mom and grandmother both had secondary infertility so I didn’t want to wait and could not care less what other people thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's unquestionably a thing in the highly educated, UMC, elite professional circles that people like Liz Bruenig run in

This.

And if you were in a different socio-economic bracket in a different part of the country, having your kids in your mid to late 30s would be a thing.

It's not personal. You're just going against the herd a bit in terms of timing and people will endlessly comment on people who are outside the norm because it makes insecure people feel forced to question their own decision making. If everyone does the same thing, it feels safer.

When I see a 39-year old with a 13-year old I am not remotely insecure about my own decision to wait until 32 to have my kids (who ended up being twins so I didn't have any after that). I'm very happy with the age at which I got to have my kids. I had so much fun through my 20's and early 30's and once I had my kids I was settled enough in my career to be able to have a flexible but still high-paying job. Win win win as far as I'm concerned. Not that everyone has to want what I have, but I say that to contradict your statement that I am remotely insecure about anyone's choice to have a child year before I did.

Then I'm guessing you don't comment to the 39 year old with the 13 year old right? So the comment doesn't apply to you. You're not an insecure person. Plenty of people DO feel the need to comment and they do it in a way that makes it clear they don't "approve".

[Anonymous]

People used to think I was the nanny (now they think I’m the sister), but that’s not being judgmental, it’s just making logical assumptions about how people look.

I personally haven’t felt judged for being a young mom, but I am only around really chill people. I do wonder if people who sense judgment about being young mothers are kind of insecure about their decision to be a young mother? I used to feel that way about being a stay at home mom—I was hyper conscious about any judgment about not working that came my way, even though there was very little. Now I’m really happy being a stay at home mom and I don’t even think about what others think about it.

But of course people are going to judge literally any decision a mom makes, so I’m sure the judgment is abundant, even if most of it is behind your back.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this judgment is an internet thing. I'm 40 and have friends who had kids at 23 (yes, in the DC area, and yes, a planned pregnancy) and friends who have infants or are currently pregnant. I had mine in my mid to late 30s.

[Anonymous]

Well, think about it. Middle and UMC women have been encouraged to use their 20s to work on themselves -- go to college, get an advanced degree, to go "find themselves" and never settle. So having a child in your 20s is more uncommon when it used to be the norm.

However, the flip side is getting into your mid-30s and realizing your biological clock has an expiration date on it. They may just be thinking it's time to start looking for a husband, only to find the men their age and older are dating younger women. Women tend to think they have forever, until they suddenly do not. If you read this site regularly, you will see posts from 30 and 40something women who are panicking.

OP, please don't overthink it too much. You are very lucky, and I hope happy. You should be. Enjoy your family!

[Anonymous]

26 is extremely young in nyc. Most people are just getting started in their careers at that age. Nyc average age for first kid is probably 35+.

[Anonymous]

It's young for a metro area, but she was 25 and married, not 15 or something. I can't imagine people were too judgy in "real life" over being 25 versus 30 when she had her first kid- it's still within the normal spectrum of times people are having kids. As long as people are in a stable life situation and say they are ready, I don't see much judgement. I do think it's sad when people act/say after they had kids that they wish they had waited or not had kids. Maybe this was more the writer's own insecurity peeking through? She talks about herself as an "erstwhile child" at the end, maybe she felt it was earlier than she would have liked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:26 is extremely young in nyc. Most people are just getting started in their careers at that age. Nyc average age for first kid is probably 35+.

It's 31. Even among college-educated women in Manhattan it's only 33. It's not 35+ anywhere.

[Anonymous]

This is super region dependent. I have friends from back home in the Midwest who were married at 23 and had 2 or even 3 kids by 30. These were mostly 4 year college-educated people, all with professional jobs. It’s normal there. People definitely get married, re-married, and have kids outside that age range, but no one would give that writer a second glance in, like, Cincinnati or upstate NY or most of the South. It’s really just an expensive big city thing that people delay having kids until early to mid 30s.

[Anonymous]

Why do people care so much about what others think?
Due to a variety of reasons I ended up having my only child at 45. I would now give anything to have had her at 24 like my own mother did with me. The loss of 20 years with her often weighs heavily on me.

[Anonymous]

It might be unusual in the circles that Liz Bruenig travels in in DC, but I don't know that the uncommonness means there's a "stigma." I'm mostly around other mid-30's parents but I've never heard them conspiratorially whisper about the handful at the playground who are younger.

And no one should obsess over it, anyways. By the time you have kids--whatever age you are when you have them--you should at least be mature enough to stop giving a crap what other people think. I wasn't ready at 25, I was at 35. If Liz B was ready at 25, why should she care that my life played out differently? Or vice versa? My mom had me at 23, my sister had her first kid at 22, and the average age for first pregnancy where I came from is probably around that. But I really don't care whether or not anyone from home thinks that I had mine "too late" or whatever.

Now, does anyone know what Liz Bruenig is talking about with her preschool situation? She says that the other parents seemed like they couldn't understand how she afforded it, but she says it was a free DC PK3 and the other families were paying families from the suburbs. Am I out of the loop for never having heard of a facility like that? I thought all of the DC PK3's were their own, city-funded facilities. Are there some where out-of-staters can pay? (It's a little weird for Bruenig's fellow parents that they were sending their kids to a DC PK3 and somehow didn't understand that it was free for the DC residents like Bruenig.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I don’t. I think this is an Internet thing.

Yes. And perhaps a variation on “everyone tells me I look so young”/“I’m friends with guys cause women are so catty.”

Some people always perceive themselves to be the subject of others’ attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might be unusual in the circles that Liz Bruenig travels in in DC, but I don't know that the uncommonness means there's a "stigma." I'm mostly around other mid-30's parents but I've never heard them conspiratorially whisper about the handful at the playground who are younger.

And no one should obsess over it, anyways. By the time you have kids--whatever age you are when you have them--you should at least be mature enough to stop giving a crap what other people think. I wasn't ready at 25, I was at 35. If Liz B was ready at 25, why should she care that my life played out differently? Or vice versa? My mom had me at 23, my sister had her first kid at 22, and the average age for first pregnancy where I came from is probably around that. But I really don't care whether or not anyone from home thinks that I had mine "too late" or whatever.

Now, does anyone know what Liz Bruenig is talking about with her preschool situation? She says that the other parents seemed like they couldn't understand how she afforded it, but she says it was a free DC PK3 and the other families were paying families from the suburbs. Am I out of the loop for never having heard of a facility like that? I thought all of the DC PK3's were their own, city-funded facilities. Are there some where out-of-staters can pay? (It's a little weird for Bruenig's fellow parents that they were sending their kids to a DC PK3 and somehow didn't understand that it was free for the DC residents like Bruenig.)

This was actually my main take away LOL. I live in DC. What the hell is she talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is stigma against young mothers. There is stigma against older mothers. There is stigma against working moms. There is stigma against SAHMs. There is stigma against women who chose not to become a mother. There is stigma against women who struggle to become moms (though weirdly it’s started to feel like this is the one woman we’re ok with because she wants to be a mom but hasn’t achieved it — we feel sorry for her but don’t hate her, lucky her).

So often these conversations wind up falling apart as women argue over their choices and options and how they are treated by other women... there is no way to resolve it among ourselves. Women are set up to compete with each other and them criticized when we do.

It’s misogyny. All of it. And the best thing we as women could do is simply support and defend each other against it, rather than seizing an opportunity to position ourselves as “one of the good women who made the right choices.” You see, there are no right choices. Half the time, what is treated as choice is not.

I love young moms and old moms and women who are not moms and working women and trans women and tired women and happy women and all the women. You are all doing great. Let’s make sure we all have access to healthcare (including abortions and birth control), access to economic independence, and freedom from harassment and assault. Everything else is immaterial.

Brilliant I love this. I hope this writer is in a position to share these comments from the mountain tops- a health care provider, an advocate, a teacher? Who are you?!! This is simply wonderful. More of this type of discourse will help all women and their loved ones achieve what they want for their own respective lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, think about it. Middle and UMC women have been encouraged to use their 20s to work on themselves -- go to college, get an advanced degree, to go "find themselves" and never settle. So having a child in your 20s is more uncommon when it used to be the norm.

However, the flip side is getting into your mid-30s and realizing your biological clock has an expiration date on it. They may just be thinking it's time to start looking for a husband, only to find the men their age and older are dating younger women. Women tend to think they have forever, until they suddenly do not. If you read this site regularly, you will see posts from 30 and 40something women who are panicking.

OP, please don't overthink it too much. You are very lucky, and I hope happy. You should be. Enjoy your family!

I think the above is pretty inaccurate. Virtually all of my friends who wanted kids had them in their 30s, and most of us found our partners in our 20s. The ages when I had the most weddings to attend were 28-31, and people started having kids at 33. I have been with DH since 19, married at 28, had first kid at 33. I wasn't focusing solely on my career in my 20s or on "finding myself." Most of us can walk and chew gum at the same time, believe it or not. We just didn't want kids in our 20s.