Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This has really gotten nasty for no reason. Op has tried to explain she doesn't need more activities and you are getting very angry over someone expressing sadness. Consider pondering this.

+1. Kindness SHOULD be the response when someone expresses pain or sorrow

+1 Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are extremely defensive. I'm not one to push for therapy but I think it would help you because you seem to have some very deep-seated anger. Here is the key comment you made which makes me think you need professional help:


"3. Additionally, I've been more than vocal about my own mother's lack of choices in the 1950s, which, in my opinion, would have resulted in her never having kids."

Your statement about your mother might never have had kids, and your current feelings about being a mother and your own child are obviously intertwined.

You cannot feel better unless you deal with the fundamental issue. So do that first.

Meant to add that if you've been vocal about your mother's lack of choices to your own child, then it is entirely possible they may have interpreted this as YOUR feeling, too. Kids pick up on things like that and process it with a child's mindset. "Gee, my mom says her mother didn't really want kids. I wonder if my mom wanted me? Maybe not. Maybe I better not have kids either."

Omg..this was the funniest one here... but it has competition with all the usual suspects. Some of these are DCUM typical, especially the one that has issues with her own mother and transfers it.



.

There is validity in this comment and it shouldn't be dismissed with ridicule. OP cannot move past this element and expectation of life (as a mother) if she doesn't understand what has affected her in the past, which includes her relationship with her own mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are extremely defensive. I'm not one to push for therapy but I think it would help you because you seem to have some very deep-seated anger. Here is the key comment you made which makes me think you need professional help:


"3. Additionally, I've been more than vocal about my own mother's lack of choices in the 1950s, which, in my opinion, would have resulted in her never having kids."

Your statement about your mother might never have had kids, and your current feelings about being a mother and your own child are obviously intertwined.

You cannot feel better unless you deal with the fundamental issue. So do that first.

Meant to add that if you've been vocal about your mother's lack of choices to your own child, then it is entirely possible they may have interpreted this as YOUR feeling, too. Kids pick up on things like that and process it with a child's mindset. "Gee, my mom says her mother didn't really want kids. I wonder if my mom wanted me? Maybe not. Maybe I better not have kids either."

Omg..this was the funniest one here... but it has competition with all the usual suspects. Some of these are DCUM typical, especially the one that has issues with her own mother and transfers it.



.

There is validity in this comment and it shouldn't be dismissed with ridicule. OP cannot move past this element and expectation of life (as a mother) if she doesn't understand what has affected her in the past, which includes her relationship with her own mother.

Naah- you took this boat to crazy town. You should have accurately read responses carefully, before lopping off into this assumption. You didn't read anything here and then ran with it.
Worth a belly laugh, though! There's always that one or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how many children to you have, how old are they, any of them married, and insight if they are choosing to be childless?

This is a good question. I see that OP is in pain, but her anger comes through very strongly. She may alienate her children even if she thinks she is holding back and being careful. I would see a therapist. Whether your kids eventually procreate you want to maintain ties. I’m not sure my mom realizes how her years of complaining about how I wasn’t interested in kids soured things even after I started a family. And she believed she was holding her tongue, too.

1. I'm not your mother.
2. Reread above. I have never once, not once, said anything. Yes, I'm sure they know I would love grandchildren because they know me, not because I believe I was holding my tongue when I wasn't.
3. Additionally, I've been more than vocal about my own mother's lack of choices in the 1950s, which, in my opinion, would have resulted in her never having kids.
4. I have not alienated my kids. In fact, many of **their** child bearing friends have alienated them, which they actually feel comfortable enough to share with me. And-they are sad about that. Different life paths. **Talk about holding my tongue.




That being said, it is ridiculous to assume that each reaction to a situation can't be mutually exclusive. Just as no one can or should judge you for your decision to have or not have kids, there shouldn't be judgement regarding the impact of that either. Each will have their own emotions.

But, odd that you did, despite indicating for so long that you wouldn't, have kids. So something must have changed your mind (?)

Why do you assume I have kids? Anyway, you may want to read this thread " I don't want my parents to visit us while we are at my brothers house....how to handle?" in the Family Relationships forum and be grateful you dont have to deal with any crazy in your life. Oh wait, you are the crazy.

This has really gotten nasty for no reason. Op has tried to explain she doesn't need more activities and you are getting very angry over someone expressing sadness. Consider pondering this.

No one here is as angry as the OP over....well, nothing. If she came on complaining about adult children who couldn’t adult, or had children who they were ill-equipped for, then I will admit we would be sympathetic. But OP has had a full life and her children are living their own full lives...what is the problem?

Right -- the problem is OP's inability to accept a reality that isn't what she dreamed of. My childhood best friend is one of 4 sibs who live all over the US. Her parents chose among those 4 locations and moved to be near 1 of the kids (my friend). They moved to an assisted living facility, made new friends, found a church, joined tennis and bridge groups, volunteered for political campaigns and got a subscription to the symphony. They travel frequently to see their kids in other places (and the kids come there because they chose a very appealing location). Yes, they have grandchildren, but they also have dealt with a reality that isn't what they expected or what they themselves experienced. They're the most well-adjusted and happiest older parents I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how many children to you have, how old are they, any of them married, and insight if they are choosing to be childless?

This is a good question. I see that OP is in pain, but her anger comes through very strongly. She may alienate her children even if she thinks she is holding back and being careful. I would see a therapist. Whether your kids eventually procreate you want to maintain ties. I’m not sure my mom realizes how her years of complaining about how I wasn’t interested in kids soured things even after I started a family. And she believed she was holding her tongue, too.

1. I'm not your mother.
2. Reread above. I have never once, not once, said anything. Yes, I'm sure they know I would love grandchildren because they know me, not because I believe I was holding my tongue when I wasn't.
3. Additionally, I've been more than vocal about my own mother's lack of choices in the 1950s, which, in my opinion, would have resulted in her never having kids.
4. I have not alienated my kids. In fact, many of **their** child bearing friends have alienated them, which they actually feel comfortable enough to share with me. And-they are sad about that. Different life paths. **Talk about holding my tongue.




That being said, it is ridiculous to assume that each reaction to a situation can't be mutually exclusive. Just as no one can or should judge you for your decision to have or not have kids, there shouldn't be judgement regarding the impact of that either. Each will have their own emotions.

But, odd that you did, despite indicating for so long that you wouldn't, have kids. So something must have changed your mind (?)

Why do you assume I have kids? Anyway, you may want to read this thread " I don't want my parents to visit us while we are at my brothers house....how to handle?" in the Family Relationships forum and be grateful you dont have to deal with any crazy in your life. Oh wait, you are the crazy.

This has really gotten nasty for no reason. Op has tried to explain she doesn't need more activities and you are getting very angry over someone expressing sadness. Consider pondering this.

No one here is as angry as the OP over....well, nothing. If she came on complaining about adult children who couldn’t adult, or had children who they were ill-equipped for, then I will admit we would be sympathetic. But OP has had a full life and her children are living their own full lives...what is the problem?

Right -- the problem is OP's inability to accept a reality that isn't what she dreamed of. My childhood best friend is one of 4 sibs who live all over the US. Her parents chose among those 4 locations and moved to be near 1 of the kids (my friend). They moved to an assisted living facility, made new friends, found a church, joined tennis and bridge groups, volunteered for political campaigns and got a subscription to the symphony. They travel frequently to see their kids in other places (and the kids come there because they chose a very appealing location). Yes, they have grandchildren, but they also have dealt with a reality that isn't what they expected or what they themselves experienced. They're the most well-adjusted and happiest older parents I know.

I'm not quite sure how this example is relevant unless you left something out. These parents live near an adult child, have a residential situation they like, have busy social lives and are able to travel and see the rest of their kids and grandkids. How is that "dealing with a reality that isn't what they expected"? Isn't that what MOST parents, including OP, dream of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how many children to you have, how old are they, any of them married, and insight if they are choosing to be childless?

This is a good question. I see that OP is in pain, but her anger comes through very strongly. She may alienate her children even if she thinks she is holding back and being careful. I would see a therapist. Whether your kids eventually procreate you want to maintain ties. I’m not sure my mom realizes how her years of complaining about how I wasn’t interested in kids soured things even after I started a family. And she believed she was holding her tongue, too.

1. I'm not your mother.
2. Reread above. I have never once, not once, said anything. Yes, I'm sure they know I would love grandchildren because they know me, not because I believe I was holding my tongue when I wasn't.
3. Additionally, I've been more than vocal about my own mother's lack of choices in the 1950s, which, in my opinion, would have resulted in her never having kids.
4. I have not alienated my kids. In fact, many of **their** child bearing friends have alienated them, which they actually feel comfortable enough to share with me. And-they are sad about that. Different life paths. **Talk about holding my tongue.




That being said, it is ridiculous to assume that each reaction to a situation can't be mutually exclusive. Just as no one can or should judge you for your decision to have or not have kids, there shouldn't be judgement regarding the impact of that either. Each will have their own emotions.

But, odd that you did, despite indicating for so long that you wouldn't, have kids. So something must have changed your mind (?)

Why do you assume I have kids? Anyway, you may want to read this thread " I don't want my parents to visit us while we are at my brothers house....how to handle?" in the Family Relationships forum and be grateful you dont have to deal with any crazy in your life. Oh wait, you are the crazy.

This has really gotten nasty for no reason. Op has tried to explain she doesn't need more activities and you are getting very angry over someone expressing sadness. Consider pondering this.

No one here is as angry as the OP over....well, nothing. If she came on complaining about adult children who couldn’t adult, or had children who they were ill-equipped for, then I will admit we would be sympathetic. But OP has had a full life and her children are living their own full lives...what is the problem?

Right -- the problem is OP's inability to accept a reality that isn't what she dreamed of. My childhood best friend is one of 4 sibs who live all over the US. Her parents chose among those 4 locations and moved to be near 1 of the kids (my friend). They moved to an assisted living facility, made new friends, found a church, joined tennis and bridge groups, volunteered for political campaigns and got a subscription to the symphony. They travel frequently to see their kids in other places (and the kids come there because they chose a very appealing location). Yes, they have grandchildren, but they also have dealt with a reality that isn't what they expected or what they themselves experienced. They're the most well-adjusted and happiest older parents I know.

I'm not quite sure how this example is relevant unless you left something out. These parents live near an adult child, have a residential situation they like, have busy social lives and are able to travel and see the rest of their kids and grandkids. How is that "dealing with a reality that isn't what they expected"? Isn't that what MOST parents, including OP, dream of?

Besides not being relevant at all because these people seem to have and interact with family and grandkids, here's my take away....an "assisted living facility"? What? I doubt they live in an assisted living facility but also lead busy lives and travel, etc., or they wouldn't even be in an assisted living facilty.

I doubt this PP fully understands this thread, or what assisted living is, or anything- but-whatever. A lot of nuts here, but, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how many children to you have, how old are they, any of them married, and insight if they are choosing to be childless?

This is a good question. I see that OP is in pain, but her anger comes through very strongly. She may alienate her children even if she thinks she is holding back and being careful. I would see a therapist. Whether your kids eventually procreate you want to maintain ties. I’m not sure my mom realizes how her years of complaining about how I wasn’t interested in kids soured things even after I started a family. And she believed she was holding her tongue, too.

1. I'm not your mother.
2. Reread above. I have never once, not once, said anything. Yes, I'm sure they know I would love grandchildren because they know me, not because I believe I was holding my tongue when I wasn't.
3. Additionally, I've been more than vocal about my own mother's lack of choices in the 1950s, which, in my opinion, would have resulted in her never having kids.
4. I have not alienated my kids. In fact, many of **their** child bearing friends have alienated them, which they actually feel comfortable enough to share with me. And-they are sad about that. Different life paths. **Talk about holding my tongue.




That being said, it is ridiculous to assume that each reaction to a situation can't be mutually exclusive. Just as no one can or should judge you for your decision to have or not have kids, there shouldn't be judgement regarding the impact of that either. Each will have their own emotions.

But, odd that you did, despite indicating for so long that you wouldn't, have kids. So something must have changed your mind (?)

Why do you assume I have kids? Anyway, you may want to read this thread " I don't want my parents to visit us while we are at my brothers house....how to handle?" in the Family Relationships forum and be grateful you dont have to deal with any crazy in your life. Oh wait, you are the crazy.

This has really gotten nasty for no reason. Op has tried to explain she doesn't need more activities and you are getting very angry over someone expressing sadness. Consider pondering this.

No one here is as angry as the OP over....well, nothing. If she came on complaining about adult children who couldn’t adult, or had children who they were ill-equipped for, then I will admit we would be sympathetic. But OP has had a full life and her children are living their own full lives...what is the problem?

Right -- the problem is OP's inability to accept a reality that isn't what she dreamed of. My childhood best friend is one of 4 sibs who live all over the US. Her parents chose among those 4 locations and moved to be near 1 of the kids (my friend). They moved to an assisted living facility, made new friends, found a church, joined tennis and bridge groups, volunteered for political campaigns and got a subscription to the symphony. They travel frequently to see their kids in other places (and the kids come there because they chose a very appealing location). Yes, they have grandchildren, but they also have dealt with a reality that isn't what they expected or what they themselves experienced. They're the most well-adjusted and happiest older parents I know.

Hey, PP, what reality didn't they expect but got anyway?

And, these are not people in an assisted living facility, clearly. What's the point here? Is there even a point?

[Anonymous]

NP. OP you sound really defensive, worried someone on here might think you don't have any hobbies, or sit around doing nothing, or don't have any friends. Could there be some keeping up with the Joneses going on here?

Is it that you can't control or Facebrag about your big family gatherings and kids coming home all the time with their grandchildren? Are you somewhat worried about what other people think?

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. OP you sound really defensive, worried someone on here might think you don't have any hobbies, or sit around doing nothing, or don't have any friends. Could there be some keeping up with the Joneses going on here?

Is it that you can't control or Facebrag about your big family gatherings and kids coming home all the time with their grandchildren? Are you somewhat worried about what other people think?

1. You are not a NP
2. You are extremely ridiculous
3. But...even more hysterically funny each time. Keep it up- can't wait for your next trolling conjecture. I mean, this belongs in a comedy sketch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.

Exactly, and this comprises the entire original post, probably.

[Anonymous]

No one on this earth is owned anything. It's all a crapshoot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one on this earth is owned anything. It's all a crapshoot.

If you meant "owed" - you are correct. And yet, no one here has suggested that. It's about loss, I believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.

It’s not a loss when it never existed.