Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

I have a couple of cousins in their 60s and 70s who started tutoring kids and working as classroom aids when they ended up single in retirement (one divorced, one widowed). I think there are some Adopt a Grandparent programs I've heard about from time to time.

I have one kid, he's 30, he's had exactly one serious relationship (they agreed to end it when she moved a long way away, and he has a business here). I have 2 nieces, one of whom decided a very long time ago she would never have children because of medical and mental health issues she has had, the other one is gay and has yet to find a really long lasting relationship, and a nephew who married a woman with a kid, they adopted a special needs child, and they have decided against more kids. My parents were both from large families, we had the big family gatherings when I was a kid and from time to time after I was an adult and I miss those times a lot.

But I have developed strong ties to some other families, connections made through my son when he was younger, including younger families, and have sort of surrogate grandkids. I get invited to their recitals and birthday parties and random casual dinners and I invite them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

I hear you.

I can't wait to have grandchildren!!!!

My kids are still too young, but it's something I look forward to, eventually.

Yet, my in-laws rarely took an interest in our children, their only grandchildren. They live in another state, and not once, in 25 years, babysat for one of our four children. Not once. They stayed in our house a few times, but as they got older, they decided it was too much trouble to visit. They sent birthday cards and called on birthdays and holidays. If we wanted to see them, we had to come visit them. My parents are dead, so my in-laws are their only grandparents.

I would have loved to have grandparents to offer my children! My children would love to have had grandparents!

When my FIL died recently, my DD said to me, "I'm sorry Daddy's sad, but I'm not because I didn't have any relationship with Grandpa." And it's true.

[Anonymous]

I hear your pain, OP. My youngest is about to go to college, and I'm looking ahead and trying to figure out what's next.

DH wants to work in Europe. He may have a chance, but I feel broken and lost without my children. They live nearby, and I would miss them horribly if we went to Europe.

But my children have their own lives. They can zoom with us while we're in Europe. I think the brokenness comes from being a SAHM for more than two decades, not having my own life outside of my family and raising children.

I've known this was coming intellectually, but when it arrives (my 17 year old is very independent now, which makes me both happy that I've done a good job, and sad that she no longer needs me) it is devastating. What will I do with myself when I don't have a child at home to keep track of?

The answer, I'm sure, is that I have to keep growing, keep changing. I can't stay where I am emotionally and intellectually. I am planning on going to school for some training so I can get some sort of employment. Obviously it's too late for a new career, but a job would be nice. It would be helpful for me to feel useful, that my skills and knowledge are being used for something.

It's scary to move along an unknown path. But isn't that what we've been doing our entire lives? Who knew what it would be like to have children until we had them? Letting go of them is very, very, very hard. Keep growing, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

You should start a grandparent matching business!

I love this idea! We don't have any family in DC and even though my parents and ILs are actively involved in DS's life, they aren't here all the time.