Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:

[Anonymous]

Ok, despite a lot of assumptions about what we would be doing in our 60s and+, we will not be doing any of that. No grandchildren, kids are also living and doing other things in a variety of places in other areas. Yes, I know that's OK. Yes, I know they don't owe us grandchildren.

We are all about family...lots of intergenerational family action while we raised our kids, our siblings, their kids, extended family- cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends who are family. Big dinners, summer trips at the beach. Everyone is gone. Parents are gone. Cousins are involved with their grandchildren in other cities, siblings moved away to be with their children and grandchildren. It feels so empty. And so suddenly- in a lot of ways.

Of course we have friends. They also have their own families which are growing exponentially.
If you needed to redesign what's next, what did you do? Did you move, travel (we will travel a bit, but not obsessively), start a new career? Did you find friends will similar circumstances?

[Anonymous]

Got a dog. Made dog-friends. Whole new circle of people.

[Anonymous]

What, besides grandchildren, were in your plans?

[Anonymous]

I’m not quite at your stage of life, but I can emphasize. Both of my parents are gone, my sibling lives far away, cousins that I were close while growing up now have busy lives and families. I worry that my own children are missing out on family life because it’s just the 4 of us. I miss big extended family gatherings and the feeling of connection and belonging that comes from them.

Also, I realize that my own children may never have children.

I get it, OP. It’s lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, despite a lot of assumptions about what we would be doing in our 60s and+, we will not be doing any of that. No grandchildren, kids are also living and doing other things in a variety of places in other areas. Yes, I know that's OK. Yes, I know they don't owe us grandchildren.

We are all about family...lots of intergenerational family action while we raised our kids, our siblings, their kids, extended family- cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends who are family. Big dinners, summer trips at the beach. Everyone is gone. Parents are gone. Cousins are involved with their grandchildren in other cities, siblings moved away to be with their children and grandchildren. It feels so empty. And so suddenly- in a lot of ways.

Of course we have friends. They also have their own families which are growing exponentially.
If you needed to redesign what's next, what did you do? Did you move, travel (we will travel a bit, but not obsessively), start a new career? Did you find friends will similar circumstances?

Sounds like a dream life. You can do whatever you want and have plenty of time to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What, besides grandchildren, were in your plans?

A large family, with grandchildren, were in our plans. My friends and cousins spend 2 or more days a week helping out with grandchild logistics, events, etc. Holidays and birthdays with all, trips, etc. In fact, this is everyone. The grandchildren are growing up among their cousins, aunts, uncles, in a large family group, with close relationships.

[Anonymous]

Time for new plans! Volunteer somewhere with small children, if you like small children. Shelters, schools, etc. Join a church if you are into that. Develop hobbies - gardening, pottery, painting, photography, birding...

[Anonymous]

But what did you and your DH do before you had kids? What's wrong with traveling? I traveled a lot with dh and my parents before kids. This is your time to see places- Hawaiii,machu picchu or whatever you've always wanted before old age.

What about your careers? Are you retired?

I'm sorry about the lack of grandchildren. I will say that it factored into us having a 3rd baby. We're hoping one of the three will want to have kids. We only have one sibling each and they didn't have children. Our parents basically fight over every holiday for grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you, OP. None of my many same-aged cousins in their 40s have kids except one, and I can see it weighs on my aunts and uncles. They travel, some extensively, one joined a choir, another founded a non-profit in Pakistan. My kids are teens but love to tease me that they don’t want kids. I LOVE KIDS. Hopefully they’ll change their minds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

You should start a grandparent matching business!

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. It sounds like you created a lovely family life when your kids were younger. It may be that they'll come back to that as they grow older. For now, it sounds like you will need to forge your own way.

I am planning for my life to be as you described - kids are too busy, no grandkids, no extended family. I'm really hoping to still have my DH but life is unpredictable. We are planning to live overseas for six months out of the year. If I lose him, I'll have to do a reset. I should probably start thinking about that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What, besides grandchildren, were in your plans?

A large family, with grandchildren, were in our plans. My friends and cousins spend 2 or more days a week helping out with grandchild logistics, events, etc. Holidays and birthdays with all, trips, etc. In fact, this is everyone. The grandchildren are growing up among their cousins, aunts, uncles, in a large family group, with close relationships.

No other plans? Are you interested in learning a craft or art? If knitting isn’t your style, you can learn to weave, or spin and dye wool. You can take up pottery. you can learn how to blow glass. You can learn how to make stained glass windows. Or garden. Growing veggies not your thing? Create a pollinator garden or herb garden. Volunteer at a local elementary school and do one on one reading. Find a faith community and become involved there. If you like walking and hiking, join the Potomac Appalachian Trail Club and help keep up the lean to sans trails. Learn how to arrange flowers. Learn how to make pastry from scratch. take a sushi class. Take a woodworking class and learn to build small pieces of furniture. Volunteer at a food pantry or soup kitchen. Learn to sew. Learn how to change the oil in your car. Travel. Planning, anticipating, going and remembering. Learn a foreign language and participate ina weekly conversation group. Exercise two hours a day. Bake from scratch. Learn how to make really really good homemade pasta or hummus or roasted veggies. Join a card and games group. Learn how to play bridge. Join an advocacy group and advocate for a cause you feel deeply about. Plan a girls weekend with friends-a few times a year. Most people don’t want to do the planning, but want to participate. Adopt a family the area that does not have grandparents - or become a big sister. Start a book club for the books that you like. Buy tickets to the Nationals, or a series from the Folger theatre, the Kennedy Center or Signature theater....

If you don’t want to become an expert. do a little of everything-one or two at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. It sounds like you created a lovely family life when your kids were younger. It may be that they'll come back to that as they grow older. For now, it sounds like you will need to forge your own way.

I am planning for my life to be as you described - kids are too busy, no grandkids, no extended family. I'm really hoping to still have my DH but life is unpredictable. We are planning to live overseas for six months out of the year. If I lose him, I'll have to do a reset. I should probably start thinking about that now.

You know, that's the scary part. Family becomes the 2 of us, which we are grateful for. But, life is unpredictable. How quickly it can change as this year has taught us.
I take nothing for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

+1 million. My DH and I say that all the time.