Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:

[Anonymous]

My husband is 65 and I’m 56. He just got a Parkinson’s diagnosis and has cognitive issues so please count your blessings you both have health. Our kids are in college, our plans to live 6 months overseas have evaporated. Just hoping to get kids through college before things really decline and keep myself healthy. We moved recently and have not made friends yet and now that is extra challenging with DH.

I think life is really hard for all of us as we age. There are lots of great ideas and dogs really are great ways to make friends of all ages. Giving back also builds gratitude. Mentoring as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

Yes!! This would be great!

[Anonymous]

Don’t laugh but my friend moved to The Villages in Florida and is having the time of her life. She has a whole new set of friends and they are active with big social schedule. She is always going to someone’s house for dinner and they go on trips and as people get older they all help each other. I used to make fun of that place but not anymore!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t laugh but my friend moved to The Villages in Florida and is having the time of her life. She has a whole new set of friends and they are active with big social schedule. She is always going to someone’s house for dinner and they go on trips and as people get older they all help each other. I used to make fun of that place but not anymore!!

The Villages, huh? Yeah, we are laughing.

Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like you have had a really good life and you sound not at all grateful for it. Some of us never had the huge, warm family experience growing up or as parents. You had both but still mourn not getting more as a (1950s) grandparent matriarch. It’s not an attractive look and I am sure your kids feel the same. In fact, they may not have enjoyed their large family childhood that much if they don’t even want kids.

+1
You have two sound kids with a career and they seem fine. That's more than most peple have.

I don't get these comments. The "it's not a loss per se" comments and "more than most people have" comments. OP feels the loss. So, is she wrong-feeling? Should we tell her how she's supposed to feel because, you know, that's always helpful.

FWIW, adding "per se' to any comment pretty much means the comment is useless.

She’s misguided....that’s what the consensus is. Would she prefer to have heroin addicts for her adult kids? Or ex-convicts? She really ought to be grateful in light of the pandemic.

Telling someone how they “really ought to” feel is just sh*tty.

[Anonymous]

Don’t become weird about it. I say that to be helpful - my parents dealt with friends who went through what you’re going through now - always had plans for lots of grandchildren and for various reasons won’t have any. When getting together with my parent sand other couples, they got progressively more defensive and critical. It caused some arguments in the group and they eventually faded out of the circle (after 50 years of friendship!). During the pandemic they moved to the west coast. I think they were said and envious of the friends that had grandchildren and they became bitter. While everyone understood the sadness some of the negativity was just too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t become weird about it. I say that to be helpful - my parents dealt with friends who went through what you’re going through now - always had plans for lots of grandchildren and for various reasons won’t have any. When getting together with my parent sand other couples, they got progressively more defensive and critical. It caused some arguments in the group and they eventually faded out of the circle (after 50 years of friendship!). During the pandemic they moved to the west coast. I think they were said and envious of the friends that had grandchildren and they became bitter. While everyone understood the sadness some of the negativity was just too much.

I can't imagine what they would be arguing about. Defensive and critical of what? Other people having grandchildren(?) because that would make no sense, it's not in their control. Were the others constantly rubbing it in their noses or what? I don't really get this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP in that there does not appear to be a real chance for grandchildren from my two kids. One is gay and has expressed a desire to be childfree when married; the other is profoundly disabled. It saddens me because DH and I would have loved to be involved grandparents. It doesn’t mean there aren’t meaningful and enjoyable activities to fill our days but the loss is still a loss.

It’s not a loss when it never existed.

Sure it is. People mourn that they cannot have children.

But it’s not a loss per se.

Yes, it is a loss.
In this thread, the issue is
an actual loss of family, which is made clear, so your argument is irrelevant here.

But, women who cannot have children are experiencing a loss of having children. That is a loss.
Let's look at your suggestion outside
of this paradigm:
1. Women also lose opportunities in the workplace to men, hindering their career, as well as equal pay. Are you suggesting that they didn't lose something?
2. We see people living in poverty. If they've never had opportunity or money, is it not a loss because they never had these resources?

Your argument makes little sense regarding of whatever context you put it in.

So anything you cannot have in life is a loss as opposed to losing something you actually had? So a 1m salary, 5m in the lottery, becoming the president, I can mourn all of these? And before you say any of this is ridiculous, who are you to determine that?

What you are missing, and cannot have, nor will have, yet don't miss having (which is why you simply cannot grasp this concept) is an element of critical thinking, emotion or depth, or possibly any real connection to a nuclear group at all. You do have, however, a giant chip on your shoulder which you have dragged in here, dumped it in several places until it fell into rocks and slivers into this discussion without any relevance to the issue other than your own experience of anger over something. Deal with your own mother, spouse, kid, or whatever your problem is, but these comments don't add to the original discussion or to what OP or anyone has offered.
And, to answer your ridiculous question, having 5 million dollars is nothing like having a family. Nor is being a president, owning anything at all, or any of your shallow examples. But- you already know this.

PP here. I was a NP. I was trying to show the difference between loss and disappointment. I got fired (loss) vs I hoped to earn a million (disappointment)

BTW, I would take being President over having my own grandchildren and think it is way less shallow. Think of the opportunities to bring about change to millions of children, however small it is. But to each their own.

Good luck OP.

Loved your response PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t laugh but my friend moved to The Villages in Florida and is having the time of her life. She has a whole new set of friends and they are active with big social schedule. She is always going to someone’s house for dinner and they go on trips and as people get older they all help each other. I used to make fun of that place but not anymore!!

We stopped by The Villages once just to take a gander, while driving across Florida. I can see why people like it, honestly. If you were someone who got to a college campus and couldn't believe your luck at all the new friends, and all the activities, I think you'd really love it there, too. I got to college and was like, whoa, that's a lot of people - help, where can I hide away by myself? So I don't think The Villages is for me. But, for the less introverted among us, yeah - it's got a lot to offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t laugh but my friend moved to The Villages in Florida and is having the time of her life. She has a whole new set of friends and they are active with big social schedule. She is always going to someone’s house for dinner and they go on trips and as people get older they all help each other. I used to make fun of that place but not anymore!!

We stopped by The Villages once just to take a gander, while driving across Florida. I can see why people like it, honestly. If you were someone who got to a college campus and couldn't believe your luck at all the new friends, and all the activities, I think you'd really love it there, too. I got to college and was like, whoa, that's a lot of people - help, where can I hide away by myself? So I don't think The Villages is for me. But, for the less introverted among us, yeah - it's got a lot to offer.

We also drove through several areas of The Villages and had the opposite reaction. We found it to be very congested with a horrible manufactured/Disney-ish vibe. Or maybe the geriatric version of Stepford Wives. The town centers were very overcrowded, we had trouble finding a place to park, and then couldn't find a place to have lunch as the wait times were ridiculous. The traffic on the main streets could not handle the number of cars, especially at the slow speed limits. We were surprised at the back-ups for traffic!

You can drive an hour away from The Villages and find authentic small towns in Florida which would be much more preferable to live in, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t laugh but my friend moved to The Villages in Florida and is having the time of her life. She has a whole new set of friends and they are active with big social schedule. She is always going to someone’s house for dinner and they go on trips and as people get older they all help each other. I used to make fun of that place but not anymore!!

We stopped by The Villages once just to take a gander, while driving across Florida. I can see why people like it, honestly. If you were someone who got to a college campus and couldn't believe your luck at all the new friends, and all the activities, I think you'd really love it there, too. I got to college and was like, whoa, that's a lot of people - help, where can I hide away by myself? So I don't think The Villages is for me. But, for the less introverted among us, yeah - it's got a lot to offer.

We also drove through several areas of The Villages and had the opposite reaction. We found it to be very congested with a horrible manufactured/Disney-ish vibe. Or maybe the geriatric version of Stepford Wives. The town centers were very overcrowded, we had trouble finding a place to park, and then couldn't find a place to have lunch as the wait times were ridiculous. The traffic on the main streets could not handle the number of cars, especially at the slow speed limits. We were surprised at the back-ups for traffic!

You can drive an hour away from The Villages and find authentic small towns in Florida which would be much more preferable to live in, IMO.

Isn't it best for us to avoid Florida altogether? I mean the alligators are the least of the problems there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you have many activities, but long for time with family. It also sounds like you don't have many friends, perhaps because you spent so much of your time focused on family. So, if I were you, I'd reach out and try to connect with some of the people you know as acquaintances through your shared activities. That's how you make friends. And, if you want to spend more time with family, I would stop dreaming about what you'd expected in the way of continued intergenerational events -- possibly centered on you and your husband as matriarch and patriarch. Instead, why not visit your kids, siblings, nieces and nephews? Heck, get an RV and drive a circuit of family visits. But, really, don't dwell on what might have been. That's a sure recipe for misery.

You think I have few friends? Where did that come from?

Reread my post. I have many friends. Not only are they friends from my activities, I have friends from the time I was a child. I also have a large extended family with a lot of cousins.

And..what do you think they are all doing right now? Yes! They are ALL involved with their growing family.

They all say things like "Just wait until it's your turn!" Or " You never know, "#$%# will change her mind, she'll probably have kids." I am actually not promoting these comments, nor am I complaining to them. I am very careful not to...which is why I am doing it here. So, don't act like I'm limited in my thinking since this is a common theme among most that I know now.

You will notice how the going advice is to just get out of town. Do it in a plane, in a car, in a RV. So, implicitly, even you admit there's not much life here, so now I should go look at stuff and museums and other people's families.

And, no, we don't have "Miss Ellie" patriarch and matriarch fantasies. Lol. That was the best one yet..I have to hand it to you. Laughed OUT LOUD.

I was surrounded by family my whole life, my parents were as well, and I just didn't expect it to dead end on a dime. It's unbelievably sad to me even though I do have friends and plenty of things to do. I am also close with my children, but one lives overseas and the other is closer geographically, but career involved, which is fine. No judgements. She has that choice.

Would you say these things to younger parents who can't have kids of their own? That their dream of having a family can be supplanted by a hobby or just getting into an RV or, how about getting involved in someone else's family? You may say that we already had our family and should be grateful, and we understand that and even agree.However, people's values of what is important vary. Mine was always about family. I don't effing care about bunco, golf, tropical travel. It's simply that, with a twist of continual growing older without family. It's not like I can throw myself into a career at this point, or I can, I am already doing it, but it's not long term.

It's just the acceptance of a loss. I get it. I was just wondering how others were managing a paradigm change in their life trajectory.

You come across here and throughout the thread as insufferable.

I don’t see OP as insufferable - she’s just making herself clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is 65 and I’m 56. He just got a Parkinson’s diagnosis and has cognitive issues so please count your blessings you both have health. Our kids are in college, our plans to live 6 months overseas have evaporated. Just hoping to get kids through college before things really decline and keep myself healthy. We moved recently and have not made friends yet and now that is extra challenging with DH.

I think life is really hard for all of us as we age. There are lots of great ideas and dogs really are great ways to make friends of all ages. Giving back also builds gratitude. Mentoring as well.

Did you move to an area for retirement? Other than needing to meet new friends, do you like it? Where did you move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t laugh but my friend moved to The Villages in Florida and is having the time of her life. She has a whole new set of friends and they are active with big social schedule. She is always going to someone’s house for dinner and they go on trips and as people get older they all help each other. I used to make fun of that place but not anymore!!

The Villages, huh? Yeah, we are laughing.

Hard pass.

NP. I get what you are saying - always seemed so corny/sad - but it must be upside-down-world because I can now see it really is no different to the rest of us and our little social, work & family bubbles, and in fact dinner and travelling with a good group of friends regularly - well it's much better than my social life sad to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you have many activities, but long for time with family. It also sounds like you don't have many friends, perhaps because you spent so much of your time focused on family. So, if I were you, I'd reach out and try to connect with some of the people you know as acquaintances through your shared activities. That's how you make friends. And, if you want to spend more time with family, I would stop dreaming about what you'd expected in the way of continued intergenerational events -- possibly centered on you and your husband as matriarch and patriarch. Instead, why not visit your kids, siblings, nieces and nephews? Heck, get an RV and drive a circuit of family visits. But, really, don't dwell on what might have been. That's a sure recipe for misery.

You think I have few friends? Where did that come from?

Reread my post. I have many friends. Not only are they friends from my activities, I have friends from the time I was a child. I also have a large extended family with a lot of cousins.

And..what do you think they are all doing right now? Yes! They are ALL involved with their growing family.

They all say things like "Just wait until it's your turn!" Or " You never know, "#$%# will change her mind, she'll probably have kids." I am actually not promoting these comments, nor am I complaining to them. I am very careful not to...which is why I am doing it here. So, don't act like I'm limited in my thinking since this is a common theme among most that I know now.

You will notice how the going advice is to just get out of town. Do it in a plane, in a car, in a RV. So, implicitly, even you admit there's not much life here, so now I should go look at stuff and museums and other people's families.

And, no, we don't have "Miss Ellie" patriarch and matriarch fantasies. Lol. That was the best one yet..I have to hand it to you. Laughed OUT LOUD.

I was surrounded by family my whole life, my parents were as well, and I just didn't expect it to dead end on a dime. It's unbelievably sad to me even though I do have friends and plenty of things to do. I am also close with my children, but one lives overseas and the other is closer geographically, but career involved, which is fine. No judgements. She has that choice.

Would you say these things to younger parents who can't have kids of their own? That their dream of having a family can be supplanted by a hobby or just getting into an RV or, how about getting involved in someone else's family? You may say that we already had our family and should be grateful, and we understand that and even agree.However, people's values of what is important vary. Mine was always about family. I don't effing care about bunco, golf, tropical travel. It's simply that, with a twist of continual growing older without family. It's not like I can throw myself into a career at this point, or I can, I am already doing it, but it's not long term.

It's just the acceptance of a loss. I get it. I was just wondering how others were managing a paradigm change in their life trajectory.

You come across here and throughout the thread as insufferable.

I don’t see OP as insufferable - she’s just making herself clear.

.

Yes, in what possible way does this sound "insufferable" Is it the bunco remark?