How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

my kid has better stats and their counselor gave them a list of schools and said nah, I want to go to xyz. Let them pick where they want to apply, I had nothing to do with it, They picked a large southern school for the warmth and experience. They will do just fine there and enjoy it,

it sounds like you are the one who is having a harder time with this so you can tell everyone where she is going.

step back, let them start making decisions. they will end up just fine.

[Anonymous]

This year has been a crapshoot. I agree with others that she has great options. My super average kid ended up getting in to almost all her schools including a very high reach. She had not even taken an SAT so you could also reassure your daughter that it’s just a particularly weird year. Also maybe now moved to the social side of things and have her connect with other kids on the Facebook pages etc. That might get her excited about one school over another.

[Anonymous]

The point of learning in high school is NOT to just get into college. It's also to ... learn stuff. So you know it. The idea that OP's DD doesn't seem to know that means maybe she really ISN'T smart enough for the reach schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me or is this year a complete bloodbath for college admission? I feel like my DD, (and many her age) has been caught in a perfect sh!tstorm of college misery. Her college counselor gave her lots of hope at the beginning, and encouraged her to apply to top SLACs and Ivies. She has high stats (34 ACT 3.8+UW GPA at Big 5...trying to keep that on the vague side...) and is dedicated to an extracurricular and a few school clubs. She also has won a smattering of regional awards. So far, however she has little to show for this. Rejected from 2 reaches ED1 and ED2. We don't have high hopes for that last RD reach. Got waitlisted from the 1st of 4 targets today. Accepted at 3/3 safeties (Skidmore, Grinnell, W&M Monroe Scholars) but says she'll be disappointed if she ends up at any of them, and that she'll feel like she's worked so hard in high school for nothing. I don't know what to say, and any advice is welcome.

I understand how your daughter and you are feeling. Those are excellent stats from a top private. I wish her luck at the end, and in the long run, there will be a good life lesson here, which may end up being far more meaningful than being accepted at a top ranked school. William and Mary is a terrific school which is very well regarded--I would celebrate that with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a rough point in the admission season. Let her mourn. I would try not to talk about the decisions yet to come. If the subject of college is going to be discussed, I'd be comparing the current excellent options, which would be her preference, looking at admitted student groups, housing options, etc.

Keep in mind (perhaps without discussing with her) that experts predict extensive waitlist use this year, so while it's hard to judge from where you sit now, a waitlist acceptance is possible, especially if you are full pay.

As has been explained above, the "safeties" she's fortunate to be accepted to were actually targets due to low acceptance rates. Move them to the target category.

You are not the only one to notice that this is a crazy year for college admission - it has been in the press, see e.g. Melissa Korn at WSJ - and there will be many a college counselor with unfortunate egg on their faces for inaccurate predictions.

This! Best piece of advice I ever picked up on DCUM was, when figuring out safeties vs. matches for my kid, if the acceptance rate is 30 percent or less, it’s not a safety. Even if your kid’s stats are over the 75th percentile for test scores and above the average GPA. Consider it a strong match, but not a safety.

Grinnell’s acceptance rate is 23 percent, Skidmore’s is 30. Even though W&M is in the upper 30s, everyone knows it’s harder for girls to get accepted.

This. W&M is a reach for almost all students with OP's kid's states. Dear OP - yes, you are correct, it has been a bloodbath this year due to the surge in applications because of test-optional. It was an especially tough year for all of the top-tier publics because some families' finances were slaughtered by COVID and they suddenly realized that $80 a year for a private slac is absurd. But your counselor knew that was coming and didn't counsel you or your daughter correctly.

Look at the stats. for W&M in a normal year. Your daughter is only at the 75th percentile for a normal year of entering students. Last fall 75th had a 34, meaning that 25% of the class had an ACT higher than a 34. The 75th percentile ACT was a 1490. The 75th percentile GPA was a 4.46. I realize you are probably at a school that doesn't weight, so the 3.8 looks impressive, but she's competing against kids 25% of whom have a higher GPA than a weighted 4.46! PLUS these are the stats of the kids that showed up last fall and enrolled at W&M. https://research.schev.edu//enrollment/B10_FreshmenProfile.asp. To get accepted, the stats are even higher because some of the kids who get in to W&M peel off for UVA or Ivies or SLACs that offer money. Now compound all of this by the fact that colleges last MARCH went test-optional (Harvard was the first and the other schools followed). So everyone knew that there would be a surge of Hail Marys at the very top schools and even more at the more reasonably priced publics. Your child was always a reach for W&M. She never was a safety - even in a normal year. So I would blame it on the counselor. Even if I'm wrong, it's better for your child to direct her anger at the counselor, the system, covid, anything but herself.

Have you considered a gap year? If she's this devastated (and Grinnell is also a fabulous, albeit expensive, school), can you work up a virtual internship for her and she can reapply in the fall. In fact, she could go SCEA, REA, ED, etc. for the top school she really wants. And my advice is to hire a private counselor next time around. I didn't do it for undergrad and learned my lesson. I am now using one for grad school applications.

[Anonymous]

I know this is disappointing a difficult for you and your daughter. But what’s so special about your daughter? There many many kids with similar and better stats and accomplishments. So there are many disappointed kids. Plus the admissions are not clear cut based on merit anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

Life lessons often don't feel good and it's hard as a parent to see our kids feel frustrated or disappointed, but this is a great lesson for you daughter as she goes forward in my life. It's important to work hard toward goals, but it's also important to invest in what you find interesting and enjoyable. So in college, maybe she can shift her thinking from "I'm going to get top grades so I get into a great law school" to "I'm going to take the classes and pursue the work opportunities that really interest me with a goal of going to law school."

[Anonymous]

I am with you OP. It has been tremendously stressful My "big 3" DD is very disappointed with her options (what her counselor said were foundational) and assumes she will be rejected by the remaining 4 she is waiting to hear from. I told her that I had to be realistic and that it's a lottery, and I just don't know. She may or may not get in. Not to take it personally.

She already talks of transferring. I told her that wherever she ends up, it might not be her dream school but if she likes the people she will not want to transfer, wherever she goes she will learn a lot, and it will all be fine.

She worked SO HARD in HS to get the grades, found some great ECs that she was truly interested in, not just padding. I feel for her. She is incredibly disappointed to the point of tears. I know this is a real world, teachable moment. But it is SO hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a rough point in the admission season. Let her mourn. I would try not to talk about the decisions yet to come. If the subject of college is going to be discussed, I'd be comparing the current excellent options, which would be her preference, looking at admitted student groups, housing options, etc.

Keep in mind (perhaps without discussing with her) that experts predict extensive waitlist use this year, so while it's hard to judge from where you sit now, a waitlist acceptance is possible, especially if you are full pay.

As has been explained above, the "safeties" she's fortunate to be accepted to were actually targets due to low acceptance rates. Move them to the target category.

You are not the only one to notice that this is a crazy year for college admission - it has been in the press, see e.g. Melissa Korn at WSJ - and there will be many a college counselor with unfortunate egg on their faces for inaccurate predictions.

This! Best piece of advice I ever picked up on DCUM was, when figuring out safeties vs. matches for my kid, if the acceptance rate is 30 percent or less, it’s not a safety. Even if your kid’s stats are over the 75th percentile for test scores and above the average GPA. Consider it a strong match, but not a safety.

Grinnell’s acceptance rate is 23 percent, Skidmore’s is 30. Even though W&M is in the upper 30s, everyone knows it’s harder for girls to get accepted.

This. W&M is a reach for almost all students with OP's kid's states. Dear OP - yes, you are correct, it has been a bloodbath this year due to the surge in applications because of test-optional. It was an especially tough year for all of the top-tier publics because some families' finances were slaughtered by COVID and they suddenly realized that $80 a year for a private slac is absurd. But your counselor knew that was coming and didn't counsel you or your daughter correctly.

Look at the stats. for W&M in a normal year. Your daughter is only at the 75th percentile for a normal year of entering students. Last fall 75th had a 34, meaning that 25% of the class had an ACT higher than a 34. The 75th percentile ACT was a 1490. The 75th percentile GPA was a 4.46. I realize you are probably at a school that doesn't weight, so the 3.8 looks impressive, but she's competing against kids 25% of whom have a higher GPA than a weighted 4.46! PLUS these are the stats of the kids that showed up last fall and enrolled at W&M. https://research.schev.edu//enrollment/B10_FreshmenProfile.asp. To get accepted, the stats are even higher because some of the kids who get in to W&M peel off for UVA or Ivies or SLACs that offer money. Now compound all of this by the fact that colleges last MARCH went test-optional (Harvard was the first and the other schools followed). So everyone knew that there would be a surge of Hail Marys at the very top schools and even more at the more reasonably priced publics. Your child was always a reach for W&M. She never was a safety - even in a normal year. So I would blame it on the counselor. Even if I'm wrong, it's better for your child to direct her anger at the counselor, the system, covid, anything but herself.

Have you considered a gap year? If she's this devastated (and Grinnell is also a fabulous, albeit expensive, school), can you work up a virtual internship for her and she can reapply in the fall. In fact, she could go SCEA, REA, ED, etc. for the top school she really wants. And my advice is to hire a private counselor next time around. I didn't do it for undergrad and learned my lesson. I am now using one for grad school applications.

This, Ivys and to SLACs are crapshoots. Most kids would be happy to have W&M as a fall back.

[Anonymous]

This is super instructive as the parent of a 10th grader in private school. I'm going to have him tour schools that will be matches or safeties and let him pick a bunch of those. Plus hopefully some with rolling admissions. We are setting the bar lower and he can rise above. You are all crazy.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, the best college for you is not necessarily the best college you can get into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is super instructive as the parent of a 10th grader in private school. I'm going to have him tour schools that will be matches or safeties and let him pick a bunch of those. Plus hopefully some with rolling admissions. We are setting the bar lower and he can rise above. You are all crazy.

Agreed. My son attends a top private. My bar is now much lower, and I feel less stressed as I don't expect much any more!

[Anonymous]

As others have said, HS and early education years are not just to get into a prestigious university. They are for, you know, actual learning. If she has a solid educational foundation, she will do well anywhere.

You need to get off the prestige high-horse and realize that the learning is the goal. If she's after prestige only, she is destined to fail. And I'd say that her parents have set her up for that.

We are paying for private for our DD. Our goal is to have her learn how to learn, ask questions, challenge herself, and enjoy her education. I hope that she ends up at a public university thereafter though she'll do great wherever she goes.

Give your kids challenges in their lives, folks. They'll be better for it. The constant prestige spoon-feeding is doing terrible things to their generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is super instructive as the parent of a 10th grader in private school. I'm going to have him tour schools that will be matches or safeties and let him pick a bunch of those. Plus hopefully some with rolling admissions. We are setting the bar lower and he can rise above. You are all crazy.

+1 every discussion of college admissions includes words about the abundance of highly qualified students, how many great schools there are and how it’s possible to get a great education at any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, HS and early education years are not just to get into a prestigious university. They are for, you know, actual learning. If she has a solid educational foundation, she will do well anywhere.

You need to get off the prestige high-horse and realize that the learning is the goal. If she's after prestige only, she is destined to fail. And I'd say that her parents have set her up for that.

We are paying for private for our DD. Our goal is to have her learn how to learn, ask questions, challenge herself, and enjoy her education. I hope that she ends up at a public university thereafter though she'll do great wherever she goes.

Give your kids challenges in their lives, folks. They'll be better for it. The constant prestige spoon-feeding is doing terrible things to their generation.

The whole ecosystem around the big 3/5/whatever is set up to encourage it from the time the application process begins in 8th. The reality is that there are so many students with similar profiles that the ivies, T10, highly selective SLACs... could fill their classes several times over with similar results.