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Should I Call CPS on Husband
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Anonymous
CPS can require they live away from dad — which means your kids go to foster care until you move out. |
Anonymous
CPS is not going to require they live away from dad based on what OP has said here. It takes a LOT for the children to be removed from the home or for a parent to lose the right to live with their child. Do you know how many CPS reports were filed on the Hart family--and the kids were NEVER taken away? https://www.kgw.com/article/news/local/timeline-of-hart-familys-child-welfare-concerns-in-wa-or-mn/283-534257800 The Hart family situation was much more severe than what OP described---actual bruises on the kids, the kids being STARVED as punishment. |
Anonymous
Stop, just stop. It’s never been acceptable to yank your child’s arm or scream in their ear or hit them repeatedly over the head. That is abuse, that is not and never has been discipline. A person who does this to children, his own young children, has no control over himself. Some spanking and the parent feeling remorseful that he let his anger get ahold of him, that warrants some therapy and parenting. The situation OP is describing, especially hitting a child on the head, will escalate. The person will justify it as discipline because that’s what abusers do. They crave control and seeing how far they can take things. OP has brought this up with this guy, he makes excuses that he can discipline as he sees fit, completely disregarding OP’s concerns and feelings. This behavior doesn’t come from nowhere and I’m willing to bet that he’s yelled at OP as well (or worse), and likely said it was because she was making him angry. This type of person needs to be removed from the situation before he causes serious harm. OP needs to install a nanny cam without telling him and get a video of this behavior to give to the police and her divorce attorney. |
Anonymous
+100. It is also humiliating, punishment without an opportunity for retribution and forgiveness. It creates fear and suppression in immeasurable ways for an innocent child’s heart that craves nothing but love and information and security to go their own way. He is stifling rhis. Human instinct may cause your child to adjust and “seem” normal — but the longer this is normalized the more effed up their lives will be. Signed, A black girl that learned not to pick the skinny switch on the tree. And to hide the plastic bottom Payless flip flop if I disobeyed. 
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Anonymous
I think YOU don’t know what “inadmissible” means |
Anonymous
“(or backed up by people with guns) Nothing like careful reading! |
Anonymous
I think you mean “indefensible,” maybe? “Inadmissible” means it can’t be used as evidence in court. |
Anonymous
No, but the police officer(s) that accompany the CPS worker to your home does. |
Anonymous
| Tell the pediatrician. And photograph marks if you can. You and pediatrician can both call. |
Anonymous
No, that’s not the only meaning of inadmissible. It also means “not to be allowed or tolerated.” Indeed, that is its primary meaning, and how it is used in moral theology, and the judicial use is merely derivative in a specific context. |
Anonymous
| DO NOT CALL CPS INTO YOUR LIFE WITHOUT LEGAL COUNSEL. Do not inform a mandatory reporter, teacher doctor therapist, whatever—don’t do any of this until you have a lawyer who represents YOU. Take that person’s advice only. |
Anonymous
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I am someone who WAS the subject of CPS investigation, and my child was taken away for some time, but (I hope) unusual circumstances and ultimately got some measure of vindication, at extreme emotional (and financial) cost to my child and myself. I also was involved in advocacy for several years and saw a lot of situations, mostly in two states, one much more parent friendly than the other and more likely to find alternatives to removal. Also, where it turns into custody battles between parents, sometimes the results make sense and sometimes they are horrifying.
So maybe I can offer some insight: You cannot guarantee how a CPS report will pan out. Agencies vary a lot in how they address situations that are screened in. Spanking, including spanking with an object, is legal in most jurisdictions, but CPS does not necessarily abide by the law even where there is clearly established precedent (e.g. state supreme court rulings in similar cases). Some agencies abuse the limits as to when they can legally remove a child--sometimes law enforcement has to be there, in other states they don't have to. Some agencies abuse the meaning of "exigent circumstances" that allow for emergency removals. Some medical practitioners have extreme views regarding what constitutes child abuse. For the most part, SES and race are important factors--a kid in the ER who is on Medicaid, especially a child of color, is more likely to be viewed as an abuse victim that a child in the same ER with private insurance and affluent parents. But this is not guaranteed. The parent who has a private attorney at a removal hearing is in a far better position than a parent who is only able to ask for an attorney after that hearing has ended. Most of the time, if a child has already been removed, judges will continue the removal pending further proceedings. As in many family court situations, judges really prefer not to change whatever the status quo is at the time the hearing occurs, one reason for abuse of emergency removal powers. Some jurisdictions are generous with services to address family situations and preserve or reunify families. Others give lip service. OP could be at risk for failure to report if one of the children is injured, although based on what OP said the "discipline" is on the edge of what is permitted, which makes it hard but also provides her with some cover, most likely. In many cases where criminal charges could conceivably be brought, they are kept in a pending state if the family participates in services and the situation gets turned around. Find out the regulations regarding the state's (or DC if applicable) child abuse and neglect registry. Some jurisdictions keep a parent's name on the registry forever with no mechanism to have it removed. Know how to appeal a "finding" of abuse or neglect (administrative, NOT the same as a court determination). In OP's case, I could see a scenario where there is an investigation and they are required to sign a safety plan and work with the agency. BUT if, say, dad says "no, I have a right to discipline my child" things can escalate quickly. Or if they are participating but then some episode occurs anyway, same. CPS involvement is frightening to kids, and removal is traumatic almost without exception. OP should do some research into state (if not DC) and local child welfare policies, regs, and available services, and be prepared to negotiate while walking a fine line between appeasing government employees (and the private agencies they contract with) and being firm. They like "compliant"--like, perhaps, a controlling spouse expects compliance. I used to joke to my friends that dealing with CPS was like dealing with an ex I'd never in fact been married to but was stuck with anyway. One last thing: there is ALWAYS going to be some weird thing that gets into records that is wildly wrong, or some opinion/perception by a social worker or parent aide or somebody that is really off. Once in the records, it can act like a virus--it gets transmitted to the psychologist who does a parental capacity assessment (be prepared for that), the CPS attorney repeats it in court, it's like termites in your house. OP, if you do get involved with CPS, make sure you get copies of EVERYTHING. |
Anonymous
I’m sorry you went through this. I too grew up with a parent like this and it took years in therapy for me to feel okay. I ended up cutting the parent out of my life, that parent couldnt fathom why I would do that, which broke my heart even more. Anyone reading this, if you hit your kids, it is never okay for any reason, please don’t be surprised when they cut you out as adults or you aren’t close. |
Anonymous
This. Also grew up in a house like this. As I've tried to process it and deal with it as an adult, the fact that my mother stood by and let it happen is a part of it that I have had a really hard time dealing with. |
Anonymous
Someone who is already venting their anger toward their child in physical ways should NOT be encouraged to use "spanking" as discipline. My parents would say they "spanked" and maybe it started out that way. Over time and as we got older it became slaps across the face, spanking with increasing force to the point of bruising, spitting at us, pulling hair, stripping us naked and shaming us, and once as a teenager my father punched me (I'm a female). There is spanking as discipline when a child is young, and there's using "spanking" to vent your anger on someone who can't fight back. OPs husband would be doing the latter since he has no self control, and it's not okay. |