Should I Call CPS on Husband

[Anonymous]

I was witnessing a similar situation in CA. Child gets hit with a belt, parents fight and wife calls police. Husband arrested. Now they have to deal with CPS, hire a criminal lawyer, etc.
If they prove she failed to protect kid she can face repercussions too (might take the kid).
Last I heard she was looking for a lawyer.

Here’s the dilemma. If kids talk at school, you may get in trouble for not protecting them. If you “protect” them by calling CPS you have the not so competent people in your life who don’t have your family’s best interest at heart at all.
I guess it varies by state but in CA a slap on the bottom with an open hand is the only allowed way of physical discipline.
I would find a lawyer and have them talk to your H, outlining all the possible outcomes. Also there may be a need for strategies of not having to resort to physical measures, for both dad AND kids. My own kid became much more cooperative as he grew. So there’s just no need to slap even if I wanted to.
I also had a talk with him about the family I mentioned above, about CPS and all. Told him it’s best not to mention his parents and what they do and say at school. But he is not physically disciplined, I just don’t want him to yap and then someone misunderstands and reports and it’s a hassle to prove we are not criminals. CPS is NOT your friend and in many cases not a child’s friend. Unless there is serious danger - don’t involve them.

[Anonymous]

Before you involve CPS, you need to decide if you would divorce over this (I would, absolutely). If so, do it. Then petition for custody and you can both describe his discipline philosophy then. If you’re still together and you report him, how could they remove the kids from him without removing them from you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she divorces him, and they split custody, then 50% of the time she has ZERO control over how he treats the kids.

At least living together she can provide some protection

This is exactly why women stay with abusive men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling CPS invites the government into your family, permanently. You will lose control over what happens. Absent immediate physical danger to the kids, I would try every measure short of that first, including counseling, intervention with the help of parents or friends, etc.

Only if she gives her name and address. Anyone can call CPS and talk it through. They can explain what resources are available.

If OP could have intervened already, don’t you think she would have done so already? Clearly someone who is asking needs support.

CPS is not there to be your therapist. From your description, it sounds like this is not something CPS would consider intervention worthy, but, OP, what is your end game?

Things I would try first: Would he do a parenting class with you? PEP is a great resource in this area. Would he see a therapist?

If you think his behavior is extreme and abusive then I would start documenting and move toward a divorce. You should consult with an attorney.

You'll lose a lot of control of the situation by calling CPS. If they investigate, they will investigate you and your husband. They will want to speak with your children alone, probably with a police officer in the room. What if they decide his behavior is abusive? What if they think you should have intervened before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you involve CPS, you need to decide if you would divorce over this (I would, absolutely). If so, do it. Then petition for custody and you can both describe his discipline philosophy then. If you’re still together and you report him, how could they remove the kids from him without removing them from you?

Even if they divorce... once they learn it’s not the first instance they might try to accuse wife of failure to protect and still remove the kids.
It amazes me how they themselves fail to protect kids in real danger though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she divorces him, and they split custody, then 50% of the time she has ZERO control over how he treats the kids.

At least living together she can provide some protection

This is exactly why women stay with abusive men.

If after divorce he is abusive she can call CPS. -DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling CPS invites the government into your family, permanently. You will lose control over what happens. Absent immediate physical danger to the kids, I would try every measure short of that first, including counseling, intervention with the help of parents or friends, etc.

Only if she gives her name and address. Anyone can call CPS and talk it through. They can explain what resources are available.

If OP could have intervened already, don’t you think she would have done so already? Clearly someone who is asking needs support.

CPS is not there to be your therapist. From your description, it sounds like this is not something CPS would consider intervention worthy, but, OP, what is your end game?

Things I would try first: Would he do a parenting class with you? PEP is a great resource in this area. Would he see a therapist?

If you think his behavior is extreme and abusive then I would start documenting and move toward a divorce. You should consult with an attorney.

You'll lose a lot of control of the situation by calling CPS. If they investigate, they will investigate you and your husband. They will want to speak with your children alone, probably with a police officer in the room. What if they decide his behavior is abusive? What if they think you should have intervened before?

This!
Except where I live, a slap on the back of a head is absolutely intervention worthy.

[Anonymous]

I have to confess I did deal with CPS over a slap on the back of the head (not in the DMV). The resolution was “inconclusive” and we were left alone, but it had an effect on both myself and kid. He knows not to yap unless he is in physical danger, I know not to touch him but there is absolutely a drastic loss of privileges if he acts like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh this made me tear up. Get those gets out.

[Anonymous]

If you think you need to call CPS, what you actually need to do is take the kids and leave.

Is your plan to call CPS and explain that your husband is a child abuser and that you watch him do it without taking action? Makes you a child abuser too?

[Anonymous]

If you call CPS, it is unlikely they will remove the children from the home for this. They will probably investigate and if it is a "founded" case of abuse it will be on your record. Yes OP, YOUR record because you are an adult present in the home when it happened. It will also be on your husband's record.
This will mean neither of you can work with children--you can't operate a home daycare, you can't be your kids' scout leader or soccer coach, etc. If either of you have a security clearance for your job, it can affect that too.
They will likely "offer you services" but not require you to take them. Do you think your husband will be open to the "services" CPS will offer?

In other words, they will do things to screw up your life (and especially your income/job) but not really offer any real protection for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Just wait till one of the kids says something to a teacher or another mandatory reporter. Dad yanked my ear is all it takes.
Your H needs to know what he is risking...

[Anonymous]

So your dh isn't even remorseful about it??!! Doesn't apologize or resolve to do better next time? Anger mgmt issues I assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she divorces him, and they split custody, then 50% of the time she has ZERO control over how he treats the kids.

At least living together she can provide some protection

This is exactly why women stay with abusive men.

Yes, it is. I haven't been in this situation, but I know several who have. They stay, because they are terrified of what happens to the kids during a shared custody arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling CPS invites the government into your family, permanently. You will lose control over what happens. Absent immediate physical danger to the kids, I would try every measure short of that first, including counseling, intervention with the help of parents or friends, etc.

Yeah I would be very careful before calling CPS.