Should I Call CPS on Husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what those who advocate OP calling CPS on herself/and her husband think would happen?

Do they think CPS will just calmly tell OP's husband "You can't do that" and he will just stop doing it because CPS said so and everything will be fine?

I think they will investigate and have him arrested if need be. In the meantime, the kids will be separated from the abuser. That means Dad moves out. Or it means op takes the kids and lives somewhere else. This is a good thing. Hopefully op starts divorce process. Also good. No, I don't think "everything will be fine."

No. Dad will not be arrested for this. It's highly unlikely that dad will chose on his own to move out, and no court will force him to. If OP leaves with the kids, the courts can force her to produce them for regular visitation with the dad.

Look into any of the high profile cases where kids were abused and CPS was involved in the family's life--it's EXTREMELY rare that the parents get arrested, or the children are taken away, etc. Even when what is happening is FAR worse than what OP's husband is doing.

If OP calls CPS, the kids will NOT be taken away. The dad will NOT be arrested.
It IS likely that CPS will meddle enough that OP and/or her DH will lose their job or at least severely limit future opportunities.

If OP starts divorce proceedings the judge WILL aware equal custody/visitation with the kids dad.

This. There are red marks, no bruises. They aren't going to remove the kids or arrest dad. They could remove kids but unlikely. Its not good parenting but its not the threshold of CPS worthy either. And, this could backfire on OP as she set up the divorce with abuse allegation. Parents are allow to spank. Its not illegal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of good suggestions in this thread.

1. If you involve CPS you are inviting people with guns (or backed up by people with guns) into your house to decide how your family is going to live. They do not answer to you. They are not going to advocate for you. They may decide you’re at fault. CPS is for situations where kids have no one else to act in their favor. Your kids have you.

2. Your husband has a severe mental disorder. He is dangerous, to the kids and to you. He clearly got some very bad ideas from somewhere about how to treat children. Any kind of physical “discipline” beyond maybe a light swat on a padded behind in toddlerhood is inadmissible. Pulling down a child’s pants is inadmissible.

3. Only you can decide if your husband will listen to reason, see a professional, get appropriate medicine, get therapy, or not. If he won’t, it’s time for somebody to leave.

4. Gathering evidence may be a good idea but check the eavesdropping statute in your jurisdiction (one party or two party consent) and get legal advice before you act.

5. Act decisively, because if you are weak or quibble he will roll right over top of you. In this context, people use the excuse of staying with the abuser “to protect the kids.” Most often it’s to protect the non-abusing spouse who’s afraid to leave.

I don't think you know what "inadmissible" means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of good suggestions in this thread.

1. If you involve CPS you are inviting people with guns (or backed up by people with guns) into your house to decide how your family is going to live. They do not answer to you. They are not going to advocate for you. They may decide you’re at fault. CPS is for situations where kids have no one else to act in their favor. Your kids have you.

2. Your husband has a severe mental disorder. He is dangerous, to the kids and to you. He clearly got some very bad ideas from somewhere about how to treat children. Any kind of physical “discipline” beyond maybe a light swat on a padded behind in toddlerhood is inadmissible. Pulling down a child’s pants is inadmissible.

3. Only you can decide if your husband will listen to reason, see a professional, get appropriate medicine, get therapy, or not. If he won’t, it’s time for somebody to leave.

4. Gathering evidence may be a good idea but check the eavesdropping statute in your jurisdiction (one party or two party consent) and get legal advice before you act.

5. Act decisively, because if you are weak or quibble he will roll right over top of you. In this context, people use the excuse of staying with the abuser “to protect the kids.” Most often it’s to protect the non-abusing spouse who’s afraid to leave.

CPS workers don't have guns.

[Anonymous]

If he’s going to be a cruel borderline abusive father in any case I’d rather have my kids know I left him over it and tried to get as much time with them as possible. An idiot so overwhelmed by his k and 2nd grader likely isn’t even going to want 50/50 custody long term. It would be different if you were successfully protecting the kids but it sounds like you aren’t snd by staying married you are essentially teaching them that it’s acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Has OP been back at all since her first post?

[Anonymous]

I don't know why someone else hasn't told you this. You need to get a lawyer before you call CPS. Do that immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm at wits end with my husband’s methods of physical discipline. There is entirely too much yelling & screaming in our house and I’m fed up with him putting his hands on them as punishment. Some examples: slapping back of child’s head (sometimes repeatedly), yanking kid up by arm, pulling ear tightly and talking directly into ear, and spanking bare bottom until red marks. Kids are 8 and 5.

He does not think he is doing anything wrong. When I complain he basically says “I’m not hurting them, and I will discipline my kids!”

Calling CPS is a big mistake. Parental counselling. I am betting he was treated like this or even worse. Do you attend church? If so, ministerial counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please, for the love of God, go to counseling. Calling CPS is a bad idea, but figuring out a better way to deal with your husband and family is a start.

I am sometimes frustrated with how unskilled a parent my co-parent is. But there's only so much I can do about that.

Improving my own communication with my spouse, creating a better family vision for our discipline strategy, and improving my own parenting are all steps I can take. You can take them too.

Calling CPS or leaving your husband are two steps that will not help. Both will make you and your children more vulnerable instead of less.

Please never tell someone in a domestic violence situation to not leave their abuser. People like you are the ones that make women scared to leave and those women end up in very dire circumstances. The violence will only escalate, abusers like to see how much they can get away with. That is how they operate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please, for the love of God, go to counseling. Calling CPS is a bad idea, but figuring out a better way to deal with your husband and family is a start.

I am sometimes frustrated with how unskilled a parent my co-parent is. But there's only so much I can do about that.

Improving my own communication with my spouse, creating a better family vision for our discipline strategy, and improving my own parenting are all steps I can take. You can take them too.

Calling CPS or leaving your husband are two steps that will not help. Both will make you and your children more vulnerable instead of less.

Please never tell someone in a domestic violence situation to not leave their abuser. People like you are the ones that make women scared to leave and those women end up in very dire circumstances. The violence will only escalate, abusers like to see how much they can get away with. That is how they operate.

She is not being abused. And it doesn't sound like the children are for certain being abused. Here is what I read:

I'm at wits end with my husband’s methods of physical discipline. There is entirely too much yelling & screaming in our house and I’m fed up with him putting his hands on them as punishment. Some examples: slapping back of child’s head (sometimes repeatedly), yanking kid up by arm, pulling ear tightly and talking directly into ear, and spanking bare bottom until red marks. Kids are 8 and 5.

That is all behavior that teachers (and certainly parents) were permitted to use as discipline when I was a child. Not that long ago. This parent believes that they are parenting appropriately. It is not clear that the state disagrees with them.

The mom has not indicated that there is violence directed towards her, violence towards the children that is creating bruises or that she wants to leave. You are over-dramatizing to call this a domestic violence situation without information you did not get from this post.

Calling CPS for this kind of behavior is a terrible idea. It is likely to create a situation that will scar the children more than the borderline abusive behavior.

It sounds like the father is still open to discussing parenting methods and the best one might be getting him into a parenting class so an expert can give him some other tools to work with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why someone else hasn't told you this. You need to get a lawyer before you call CPS. Do that immediately.

I did. I suggested she has the lawyer talk to her H about possible repercussions if a teacher reports it.

[Anonymous]

Hitting the kids repeatedly on the back of the head would make me (a mandated reporter) call with zero hesitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hitting the kids repeatedly on the back of the head would make me (a mandated reporter) call with zero hesitation.

It depends on what is meant by hitting.

Have you ever heard "I would give him a smack upside the head." It's not a punch or a slap, it's like a tiny dab on the neck to the lower head. It may be that she should do something like call CPS. But only the parent who witnessed the incident (or the child) would know if it was closer to a tap or a slap. They are different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hitting the kids repeatedly on the back of the head would make me (a mandated reporter) call with zero hesitation.

It depends on what is meant by hitting.

Have you ever heard "I would give him a smack upside the head." It's not a punch or a slap, it's like a tiny dab on the neck to the lower head. It may be that she should do something like call CPS. But only the parent who witnessed the incident (or the child) would know if it was closer to a tap or a slap. They are different things.

My point is that as a mandated reporter if a child told me this had happened I would call 100% of the time and op should know that. She describes it as hitting the kids repeatedly on the head and if one of the kids tells that to their ped or teacher her choice is made for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hitting the kids repeatedly on the back of the head would make me (a mandated reporter) call with zero hesitation.

It depends on what is meant by hitting.

Have you ever heard "I would give him a smack upside the head." It's not a punch or a slap, it's like a tiny dab on the neck to the lower head. It may be that she should do something like call CPS. But only the parent who witnessed the incident (or the child) would know if it was closer to a tap or a slap. They are different things.

My point is that as a mandated reporter if a child told me this had happened I would call 100% of the time and op should know that. She describes it as hitting the kids repeatedly on the head and if one of the kids tells that to their ped or teacher her choice is made for her.

And, having worked many years in child welfare at best they'll come out and talk to the kids and do a safety plan and move on in 30 days. And, then it will be on Dad and OP record so when they need child abuse clearances for anything they may not be able to volunteer and other issues. If OP has a decent home, money, etc. they will not do much of anything. There are no bruises and many parents yell at their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling CPS invites the government into your family, permanently. You will lose control over what happens. Absent immediate physical danger to the kids, I would try every measure short of that first, including counseling, intervention with the help of parents or friends, etc.

+1