Boyfriend won't leave ex-wife alone

[Anonymous]

OP: For those asking, she doesn't know about me, and I've never met her. I've asked many times if I could meet someone so important to him. BF says it's none of her business what his love life is like now.

OP, It doesn't matter what other people think here, its what you feel and it doesnt sit right with you.

If you do want validation, however, yes the situation is messed up and you are not important to your boyfrend. I have no issues with remaining friendly with an ex, but the fact that he texts her daily tells me that she occupies a lot of his mental and emotional real estate that should be reserved for you, his current partner, not his ex. I think what's bothering you is that he clearly needs to be in contact with her all the time, even though it upsets you. A more considerate partner would dial back on the daily texting.

Secondly, the fact that she does't know about you is mind blowing. He's basically keeping her around and keeping you at arms length. His answer is completely wrong--again, he is focused on her, none of "her business", but what about you? It is absolutely your business to meet someone who spends so much time with your boyfriend (virtual or not). The fact that he's hiding you from her and vice versa is completely messed up.


Please break up and then figure out why you think this is okay for THREE YEARS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP: For those asking, she doesn't know about me, and I've never met her. I've asked many times if I could meet someone so important to him. BF says it's none of her business what his love life is like now.

OP, It doesn't matter what other people think here, its what you feel and it doesnt sit right with you.

If you do want validation, however, yes the situation is messed up and you are not important to your boyfrend. I have no issues with remaining friendly with an ex, but the fact that he texts her daily tells me that she occupies a lot of his mental and emotional real estate that should be reserved for you, his current partner, not his ex. I think what's bothering you is that he clearly needs to be in contact with her all the time, even though it upsets you. A more considerate partner would dial back on the daily texting.

Secondly, the fact that she does't know about you is mind blowing. He's basically keeping her around and keeping you at arms length. His answer is completely wrong--again, he is focused on her, none of "her business", but what about you? It is absolutely your business to meet someone who spends so much time with your boyfriend (virtual or not). The fact that he's hiding you from her and vice versa is completely messed up.

All of this +1000
Please break up and then figure out why you think this is okay for THREE YEARS.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with either of your positions/ views, but imo they are clearly incompatible based on your comments.

[Anonymous]

Wait, OP, you’ve been dating for 3 years, your BF texts constantly to his XW about everyday minutia AND he doesn’t talk to her about you???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: For those asking, she doesn't know about me, and I've never met her. I've asked many times if I could meet someone so important to him. BF says it's none of her business what his love life is like now.

If all of the other things weren’t a red flag for you (which they should be), then this is the GIANT red flag you need to accept.

To play devil's advocate, what should OP do, exactly? Sit over her boyfriend's shoulder and watch him tell the ex about his new girlfriend? I don't know how that's enforceable.

She should get some dignity and dump him. I mean, wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted here before about a similar issue, but...

I have been dating a man for almost 3 years. We were both previously married. I have children from my previous marriage, but he does not.

Since the very beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend has maintained contact and communication with his ex-wife. I had to have a discussion with him about a year into the relationship that it was not appropriate for them to continue to keep up for drinks and dinner several times a month. To this day, 3 years into it, they still text about daily life minutia. "I'm making salmon tonight. What should I make with it?" "Look at this that I picked up at the grocery store! Remember the great cheese incident of '05?!" I do not like it, and I've told my boyfriend that I find it disrespectful to me and inappropriate for them to still be having this kind of communication. He says he's known her for 20 year, and she's a friend. He also told me he's not willing to cease communication with her.

He cites my co-parenting communication with my ex-husband as reason enough that he should be able to talk to his ex. The communication I have with my ex-husband is 100% about co-parenting ("Does Sam need a math book for e-learning next week?" "Grandparents are coming into town next month. Can we switch weekends?") and I don't have a choice in it. His communication with her is 100% by choice, but he doesn't see the difference.

It is maddening to me the way they continue to communicate like they're dating, but I have asked many times for it to stop, and he says "Don't you still talk to ex-husband?" What can I do?

'

Oh my word, shut up already! You've been dating this guy for three years and he's been doing this the entire time and the entire time you've told him you want him to stop and he won't? Then you have your answer - what you can do is leave, he clearly isn't going to change. Why on earth do you think he will AFTER THREE YEARS?

[Anonymous]

Just the mere fact that your S/O knows how you feel yet refuses to cease communicating is a clear sign that your feelings are not a priority for him.

You need to speak w/your ex - you two are co-parenting.

That is so different than maintaining a friendship w/an ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just the mere fact that your S/O knows how you feel yet refuses to cease communicating is a clear sign that your feelings are not a priority for him.

You need to speak w/your ex - you two are co-parenting.

That is so different than maintaining a friendship w/an ex.

OP: I agree. When I bring it up, he says I'm "jealous" and that I throw a "tantrum" when I can't have all of his attention for myself. Eyeroll forever. It has absolutely nothing to do with his attention, and everything to do with who he's giving it to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the mere fact that your S/O knows how you feel yet refuses to cease communicating is a clear sign that your feelings are not a priority for him.

You need to speak w/your ex - you two are co-parenting.

That is so different than maintaining a friendship w/an ex.

OP: I agree. When I bring it up, he says I'm "jealous" and that I throw a "tantrum" when I can't have all of his attention for myself. Eyeroll forever. It has absolutely nothing to do with his attention, and everything to do with who he's giving it to.

Then why are you still with him? You’ve gotten repeated advice to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the mere fact that your S/O knows how you feel yet refuses to cease communicating is a clear sign that your feelings are not a priority for him.

You need to speak w/your ex - you two are co-parenting.

That is so different than maintaining a friendship w/an ex.

OP: I agree. When I bring it up, he says I'm "jealous" and that I throw a "tantrum" when I can't have all of his attention for myself. Eyeroll forever. It has absolutely nothing to do with his attention, and everything to do with who he's giving it to.

Op, you’re an affair. You’re his side piece. He won’t tell his ex-wife about you, because his ex-wife will stop talking to him if she knows he’s sleeping with someone else. You’re his #2. She is his #1. Either agree to that position, or throw him out and move on with your life.

Seriously, I watched my BIL do something similar. He got a divorce and a girlfriend, and never told his ex-wife or daughter about the girlfriend. Girlfriend put up with it for five years. She finally insisted on meeting his daughter. Guess what happened? They broke up. It only worked for him if his ex-wife didn’t know about her. I am sure his ex-wife thinks they’ll get back together someday. BIL wants to keep that fantasy going because it makes his life easier. Keeping that part of his life the way he wants it was more important than keeping his gf happy. She was a lovely girl, I’m sorry to see her go, but for her own sake I’m glad they’re done. No one should be happy with being a secret for years on end. It’s not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the mere fact that your S/O knows how you feel yet refuses to cease communicating is a clear sign that your feelings are not a priority for him.

You need to speak w/your ex - you two are co-parenting.

That is so different than maintaining a friendship w/an ex.

OP: I agree. When I bring it up, he says I'm "jealous" and that I throw a "tantrum" when I can't have all of his attention for myself. Eyeroll forever. It has absolutely nothing to do with his attention, and everything to do with who he's giving it to.

Op, you’re an affair. You’re his side piece. He won’t tell his ex-wife about you, because his ex-wife will stop talking to him if she knows he’s sleeping with someone else. You’re his #2. She is his #1. Either agree to that position, or throw him out and move on with your life.

Seriously, I watched my BIL do something similar. He got a divorce and a girlfriend, and never told his ex-wife or daughter about the girlfriend. Girlfriend put up with it for five years. She finally insisted on meeting his daughter. Guess what happened? They broke up. It only worked for him if his ex-wife didn’t know about her. I am sure his ex-wife thinks they’ll get back together someday. BIL wants to keep that fantasy going because it makes his life easier. Keeping that part of his life the way he wants it was more important than keeping his gf happy. She was a lovely girl, I’m sorry to see her go, but for her own sake I’m glad they’re done. No one should be happy with being a secret for years on end. It’s not okay.

How's someone an affair if he's not married...? np

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the mere fact that your S/O knows how you feel yet refuses to cease communicating is a clear sign that your feelings are not a priority for him.

You need to speak w/your ex - you two are co-parenting.

That is so different than maintaining a friendship w/an ex.

OP: I agree. When I bring it up, he says I'm "jealous" and that I throw a "tantrum" when I can't have all of his attention for myself. Eyeroll forever. It has absolutely nothing to do with his attention, and everything to do with who he's giving it to.

Op, you’re an affair. You’re his side piece. He won’t tell his ex-wife about you, because his ex-wife will stop talking to him if she knows he’s sleeping with someone else. You’re his #2. She is his #1. Either agree to that position, or throw him out and move on with your life.

Seriously, I watched my BIL do something similar. He got a divorce and a girlfriend, and never told his ex-wife or daughter about the girlfriend. Girlfriend put up with it for five years. She finally insisted on meeting his daughter. Guess what happened? They broke up. It only worked for him if his ex-wife didn’t know about her. I am sure his ex-wife thinks they’ll get back together someday. BIL wants to keep that fantasy going because it makes his life easier. Keeping that part of his life the way he wants it was more important than keeping his gf happy. She was a lovely girl, I’m sorry to see her go, but for her own sake I’m glad they’re done. No one should be happy with being a secret for years on end. It’s not okay.

How's someone an affair if he's not married...? np

Op dated the guy for two years before the divorce was final. It’s in another thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the mere fact that your S/O knows how you feel yet refuses to cease communicating is a clear sign that your feelings are not a priority for him.

You need to speak w/your ex - you two are co-parenting.

That is so different than maintaining a friendship w/an ex.

OP: I agree. When I bring it up, he says I'm "jealous" and that I throw a "tantrum" when I can't have all of his attention for myself. Eyeroll forever. It has absolutely nothing to do with his attention, and everything to do with who he's giving it to.

Op, you’re an affair. You’re his side piece. He won’t tell his ex-wife about you, because his ex-wife will stop talking to him if she knows he’s sleeping with someone else. You’re his #2. She is his #1. Either agree to that position, or throw him out and move on with your life.

Seriously, I watched my BIL do something similar. He got a divorce and a girlfriend, and never told his ex-wife or daughter about the girlfriend. Girlfriend put up with it for five years. She finally insisted on meeting his daughter. Guess what happened? They broke up. It only worked for him if his ex-wife didn’t know about her. I am sure his ex-wife thinks they’ll get back together someday. BIL wants to keep that fantasy going because it makes his life easier. Keeping that part of his life the way he wants it was more important than keeping his gf happy. She was a lovely girl, I’m sorry to see her go, but for her own sake I’m glad they’re done. No one should be happy with being a secret for years on end. It’s not okay.

How's someone an affair if he's not married...? np

Op dated the guy for two years before the divorce was final. It’s in another thread.

OP is still the AP because the BF and the ex are still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just the mere fact that your S/O knows how you feel yet refuses to cease communicating is a clear sign that your feelings are not a priority for him.

You need to speak w/your ex - you two are co-parenting.

That is so different than maintaining a friendship w/an ex.

OP: I agree. When I bring it up, he says I'm "jealous" and that I throw a "tantrum" when I can't have all of his attention for myself. Eyeroll forever. It has absolutely nothing to do with his attention, and everything to do with who he's giving it to.

Anonymous wrote:OP: For those asking, she doesn't know about me, and I've never met her. I've asked many times if I could meet someone so important to him. BF says it's none of her business what his love life is like now.

OP I have some questions for you


1. Did you leave your ex husband for your current boyfriend?


2. Was you ex husband abusive as well?


3. Wha are you getting from this situation with your current BF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: For those asking, she doesn't know about me, and I've never met her. I've asked many times if I could meet someone so important to him. BF says it's none of her business what his love life is like now.

If all of the other things weren’t a red flag for you (which they should be), then this is the GIANT red flag you need to accept.

To play devil's advocate, what should OP do, exactly? Sit over her boyfriend's shoulder and watch him tell the ex about his new girlfriend? I don't know how that's enforceable.

She should get some dignity and dump him. I mean, wtf?

She should but if pps are right and she blew up her marriage for the BF She's probably having a hard time admitting she messed up. Even if that's not the case and there was no affair still seems like she's worried about calling it quits and pulling the plug on another "failed" relationship