Boyfriend won't leave ex-wife alone

[Anonymous]

The ball is in your court, OP. You either accept their relationship or you leave. He has made it clear where he stands on the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(Boyfriend does thing that everyone agrees isn’t right like lick the bottom of shoes)
GF: licking the bottom of shoes is gross, please stop
BF: but I like licking the bottom of shoes, I’m going to continue
GF: but everyone agrees that licking shoes isn’t normal
BF: it’s important to me, so I’m going to keep doing it

Three years later...
GF: (to DCUM) my bf licks the bottom of shoes, that’s weird, right?
DCUM: —various opinions about shoe licking, but mostly it’s gross and should stop
GF: What should I do about it? I keep telling him to stop, I don’t like it but he keeps doing it
DCUM: you have to accept it because he’s not going to stop or breakup with him
GF: but I don’t want to breakup with him, I just want the shoe licking to stop
DCUM: you’ve asked, he’s refused. So accept or move on
GF: but you don’t understand, shoe licking is gross and he should stop? Why should I break up with him when he’s wrong?
DCUM: because he’s not going to change
GF: I don’t like your response, you obviously don’t understand

So OP, what do we want to tell you? Regardless of whether talking that much to his ex is weird or not, he’s not going to change. If there was something to be done or said that would change his mind, I would assume you would’ve done it or said it by now.

It’s obvious he gets emotional support from her that he’s not getting from you. There is no magical elixir he can drink that will stop this. And what we are ALL trying to tell you is you have 2 options. (There is NO OTHER option like blow him more, or cook him an amazing meal, or convince him he is wrong.) The options are: 100% accept or leave.

Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear. But asking more people, telling us we don’t understand will not change things. You asked him to stop, he said NO. With that information, what are you going to do?

+1000 kudos, PP. you encapsulated it perfectly.

You have the info you need, OP. Why aren’t you acting on it?

[Anonymous]

Winnie the Pooh thread for background:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/895661.page

I dint know why he left her, OP, but it’s obvi that your BF still deeply loves and is deeply emotionally attached he’d to his ex. He may be comfortable in his status quo with you. His feelings for Ex are unshakeable, but he’s fine with you as his girlfriend. Are you fine with being just that and only that? You’re not gonna shake her from her position in his heart.

[Anonymous]

My question is wtf were you expecting when you started dating a grown man obsessed with Winnie the Pooh?

[Anonymous]

Why did they divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn’t seem like an unhealthy dynamic.

I agree. Frankly to me it is crazy that people expect that when a 20 year relationship ends, you have to be angry and never talk again. People can remain friends and there's nothing wrong with that - in fact it shows maturity. People who get worked up about this seem really emotionally immature.

Friendship and being respectful is one thing. Sharing your inner monologue multiple times a day is another. This isn’t wishing an ex happy birthday once a year, or keeping in touch about major life changes. This is daily communication, of the sort that people typically share with their partner, not their ex. Few women would tolerate that. Op is hardly alone in that feeling.

Except OP is tolerating it.

Honestly, it doesn't matter if it's normal or not, healthy or not, a threat or not. The fact is, the boyfriend has made it clear that he has no intention of changing the frequency and type of contact he has with his ex. They may or may not be genuine friends, one or both of them may or may not be over the relationship, whatever. It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong in this situation. Even if OP is right, he's not going to change. So the only thing that matters is whether or not she's going to break up with him over it, or not. And if she doesn't, she needs to LET IT GO. She can stay with him and have things remain as they are and make her peace with that, or she can break up. Those are her choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've posted here before about a similar issue, but...

I have been dating a man for almost 3 years. We were both previously married. I have children from my previous marriage, but he does not.

Since the very beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend has maintained contact and communication with his ex-wife. I had to have a discussion with him about a year into the relationship that it was not appropriate for them to continue to keep up for drinks and dinner several times a month. To this day, 3 years into it, they still text about daily life minutia. "I'm making salmon tonight. What should I make with it?" "Look at this that I picked up at the grocery store! Remember the great cheese incident of '05?!" I do not like it, and I've told my boyfriend that I find it disrespectful to me and inappropriate for them to still be having this kind of communication. He says he's known her for 20 year, and she's a friend. He also told me he's not willing to cease communication with her.

He cites my co-parenting communication with my ex-husband as reason enough that he should be able to talk to his ex. The communication I have with my ex-husband is 100% about co-parenting ("Does Sam need a math book for e-learning next week?" "Grandparents are coming into town next month. Can we switch weekends?") and I don't have a choice in it. His communication with her is 100% by choice, but he doesn't see the difference.

It is maddening to me the way they continue to communicate like they're dating, but I have asked many times for it to stop, and he says "Don't you still talk to ex-husband?" What can I do?

Everything you need to know is right her, Pudding. That's it. So either you deal with him having his ex-wife as his bestie or you tell him to kick rocks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did they divorce?

OP: He initiated it, but he has expressed regret over it. When I sat there with my mouth open listening to him talk about his regret, he backtracked and said "Regret over HOW I did it. it was abrupt and cold." Yeah...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did they divorce?

OP: He initiated it, but he has expressed regret over it. When I sat there with my mouth open listening to him talk about his regret, he backtracked and said "Regret over HOW I did it. it was abrupt and cold." Yeah...

Ask yourself why you've spent 3 years of your life with a man who openly and daily pines for his ex wife, and has openly told you he will never stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did they divorce?

OP: He initiated it, but he has expressed regret over it. When I sat there with my mouth open listening to him talk about his regret, he backtracked and said "Regret over HOW I did it. it was abrupt and cold." Yeah...

Please explain why you aren’t listening when he tells you who he is and how he feels.

[Anonymous]

you sound controlling. Why can't he be friendly with his ex. They have kids together. Being friends is better than the alternative. Do you want to deal with all the problems that would come if they were fighting all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you sound controlling. Why can't he be friendly with his ex. They have kids together. Being friends is better than the alternative. Do you want to deal with all the problems that would come if they were fighting all the time?

He has NO children with the ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? Do you have any self-esteem? He wants her. He loves her. He misses her.
You are a sex partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When people show you who they are, believe them.

He is emotionally close to his ex. That’s simply the fact of the matter. You have to decide whether you’re okay with that or not. Either accept it or move on, as he’s made it clear this is a relationship that matters to him and will continue.

I know I wouldn’t be happy with it, but that’s me. You have to make a decision for yourself.

And this doesn't mean it's wrong. It's fine for it to bother you, but it is not fine to characterize this as him doing something wrong, or doing something to you. It is neither.

eh, I think the BF is doing something wrong. Consciously or not, he is emotionally entangled with another woman, and refusing to admit it to OP and maybe to himself. Instead of actually addressing the issue, he deflects by claiming his behavior is excuses because OP has contact with her ex. When they are totally different and unrelated scenarios.

my opinion is that it’s fine to have opposite gender friends, fine to talk with exes every so often, but being emotionally dependent on an opposite gender friend is an issue, and an absolute problem if that “friend” is an ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When people show you who they are, believe them.

He is emotionally close to his ex. That’s simply the fact of the matter. You have to decide whether you’re okay with that or not. Either accept it or move on, as he’s made it clear this is a relationship that matters to him and will continue.

I know I wouldn’t be happy with it, but that’s me. You have to make a decision for yourself.

And this doesn't mean it's wrong. It's fine for it to bother you, but it is not fine to characterize this as him doing something wrong, or doing something to you. It is neither.

eh, I think the BF is doing something wrong. Consciously or not, he is emotionally entangled with another woman, and refusing to admit it to OP and maybe to himself. Instead of actually addressing the issue, he deflects by claiming his behavior is excuses because OP has contact with her ex. When they are totally different and unrelated scenarios.

my opinion is that it’s fine to have opposite gender friends, fine to talk with exes every so often, but being emotionally dependent on an opposite gender friend is an issue, and an absolute problem if that “friend” is an ex.

+1. What is the relationship status of the ex ? I’d wager that if you end the relationship those two will get back together... if they haven’t already