Am I Asking Husband To Do Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.

Which is why you need to set that s**t straight now. It only gets worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

and where is the rolling around laughing one?

Clearly you never exclusively pumped for an infant who wouldn’t nap unless being held. This was my mat leave. Feed baby, change baby, pump while entertaining baby in bouncer or floor toys. Pray they don’t need to move around too much (harder as they get older and more curious.) grab whatever you can to eat or drink before attempting to put baby down for nap 1/4. End up sitting with them in chair so they nap for more than 15 minutes. Repeat. Do most of the night feedings - baby woke up like 4-5 times a night- because I was “home.” The sleep deprivation is real, as much as a joy parenting is, and exclusive pumping on top of a not well sleeping baby is HARD.

OP, I too had to pump like 8 times a day to build my supply. Struggled with the same things you did with my husband- I was “home” so it was all my job even though I was busy all day between taking care of the baby and pumping (and cleaning/preparing the endless amounts of bottles and pump parts) and taking care of the house the best I could. exclusive pumping adds a lot of stress. I don’t wish I hadn’t done it, but I don’t know if I’d do it again without at least supplementing. The fact that your husband is a jerk about that is unreasonable because it falls solely on you. If you are struggling or depressed, something has to give- you need more help, be it from your DH or outside help, or you can give up pumping and get more time back to do other things like chores and sleep, god forbid.

I find these cases of babies who won’t nap unless being held interesting. It seems like this type of scenario is only possible in a household with a woman at home without a job and the ability to outsource all chores. Having a baby sleep on your hours and hours a day just isn’t possible for most women. So to read post after post about this on here makes me wonder. I question whether this is really necessary. It seems like the recent trend of pumping, which is extremely taxing and again, not necessary. Pumping all the time is only something a woman can do when she is staying home and has few other responsibilities or has a cushy office job with a pumping room.

I wouldn’t cater to a baby who only takes naps on me. Maybe for a week or two, but after that they would simply have to deal with the crib. I have a job, other children and responsibilities. I don’t think it’s a good habit to start and it simply isn’t sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.

It’s hard because the mom is making two choices that make her life a lot harder:

1. Pumping
2. Baby napping on her.

It’s like the moms who have kids who don’t sleep and complain about it. No, a one year old can’t keep you from sleeping. Create a safe sleep environment and put on a sound machine. If you’re up hours every night for a young child, that’s your decision but it isn’t necessary!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.

It’s hard because the mom is making two choices that make her life a lot harder:

1. Pumping
2. Baby napping on her.

It’s like the moms who have kids who don’t sleep and complain about it. No, a one year old can’t keep you from sleeping. Create a safe sleep environment and put on a sound machine. If you’re up hours every night for a young child, that’s your decision but it isn’t necessary!

1. The baby isn't one.

2. Thank you're lucky stars you had easy one year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH here. An infant that little doesn’t require much. I doubt it takes you all day to do all of those things. Cleaning maintenance only tasks an hour a day tops.

and where is the rolling around laughing one?

Clearly you never exclusively pumped for an infant who wouldn’t nap unless being held. This was my mat leave. Feed baby, change baby, pump while entertaining baby in bouncer or floor toys. Pray they don’t need to move around too much (harder as they get older and more curious.) grab whatever you can to eat or drink before attempting to put baby down for nap 1/4. End up sitting with them in chair so they nap for more than 15 minutes. Repeat. Do most of the night feedings - baby woke up like 4-5 times a night- because I was “home.” The sleep deprivation is real, as much as a joy parenting is, and exclusive pumping on top of a not well sleeping baby is HARD.

OP, I too had to pump like 8 times a day to build my supply. Struggled with the same things you did with my husband- I was “home” so it was all my job even though I was busy all day between taking care of the baby and pumping (and cleaning/preparing the endless amounts of bottles and pump parts) and taking care of the house the best I could. exclusive pumping adds a lot of stress. I don’t wish I hadn’t done it, but I don’t know if I’d do it again without at least supplementing. The fact that your husband is a jerk about that is unreasonable because it falls solely on you. If you are struggling or depressed, something has to give- you need more help, be it from your DH or outside help, or you can give up pumping and get more time back to do other things like chores and sleep, god forbid.

I find these cases of babies who won’t nap unless being held interesting. It seems like this type of scenario is only possible in a household with a woman at home without a job and the ability to outsource all chores. Having a baby sleep on your hours and hours a day just isn’t possible for most women. So to read post after post about this on here makes me wonder. I question whether this is really necessary. It seems like the recent trend of pumping, which is extremely taxing and again, not necessary. Pumping all the time is only something a woman can do when she is staying home and has few other responsibilities or has a cushy office job with a pumping room.

I wouldn’t cater to a baby who only takes naps on me. Maybe for a week or two, but after that they would simply have to deal with the crib. I have a job, other children and responsibilities. I don’t think it’s a good habit to start and it simply isn’t sustainable.

1. You think daycare babies all just go to sleep easily in their cribs?

2. Thank your lucky stars you had easy baies that you didn't need to cater too, and thank goodness for your babies too if there;s any time in life someone should be catered to it's infancy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.

Which is why you need to set that s**t straight now. It only gets worse

Correct the first step in doing so is not listening to someone who says you should just accept your DH not being involved in childcare because basically, her DH isn't.

[Anonymous]

I would expect a nanny to have the in reasonable condition when the working parent returns home. Sink cleaned out, baby's bottles washed, toys in a reasonable order. So given that you are stepping into this "role", that's a fair request. However, messes that happen after your husband returns home should be shared, including chores like setting the table and kitchen clean up. Either rotate those chores, someone does them while the other has the baby, etc.

Weekend chores should be fully split, and you should have a solid chunk of baby free time (maybe Saturdays 9-11 am can be set aside for you to get out of the house, walk with a pal, etc). Rotate sleeping in - one of you sleeps in Saturday after taking the night shift, the other on Sunday.

[Anonymous]

He refuses to cook on the weekends because he is too tired from the work week.
- OP

OK then, tell him but don't ask that on Sundays, you are ordering in dinner since he doesn't want to cook. You can cook Saturdays but he has to do dinner cleanup in exchange.

[Anonymous]

You need to decide for YOURSELF whether you want to continue pumping. The baby is 10 weeks old, that's been a fair amount of time for him to have had breastmilk if you decide you are done. Stop blaming your husband on this one. Make the choice that works best for your body, and if that is indeed pumping for a few more weeks, then drop the resentment by acknowledging that is a choice you yourself are making. And if you want to stop, then that's ok too, you don't need his permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa whoa whoa OP. Holy red flags. Your husband is “making” you pump? Drop it, unless it’s something YOU think is incredibly important (spoiler alert: it’s not). Now I understand why you seem so miserable. I don’t understand why you take care of the baby all day on the weekend too? You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. I work 60 hours a week and I put one of my two kids to bed every damn night and make dinner - I don’t really sleep so I don’t recommend this life - but I don’t push everything off on my husband who works 40 hours because I WANT to spend time w my kids. He is being a baby. Please don’t have any more kids with this man until you have created a more equal balance that works for you because trust me adding a second will be a dumpster fire. It’s a hard adjustment when mom can’t handle it all.

OP here. Every time I talk about quitting or supplementing, he throws a fit. He says formula isn’t that healthy and it doesn’t have good ingredients. He will talk about all of the problematic ingredients until I just give in and tell him I will keep pumping.

He’s not always a jerk. He was wonderful before we had our child. He loves our child. He was wonderful while on paternity leave with helping with feedings, naps ( though baby was sleeping without needing to be held until 8 weeks), cooking, etc. Then he decided it was all on my because he works all day. He needs his weekends to rest because he works 50-60 hour weeks. I would be fine with during the week if he helped out on weekends, but he doesn’t. He thinks helping me while he was on paternity leave was enough.

Stop giving in. Your husbands problems he needs to work out himself or potentially with a therapist, but he doesn't get to make decisions that make you chronically sleep-deprived. Tell him this isn't working for you anymore. Walk away if he tries to fight with you about it. Tell him you'll talk about it with your pediatrician or a therapist but you won't keep revisiting it at home. His demands aren't going to go away if you satisfy this one, so you need a process for dealing with them that's not "give in if he tries to bully you."

[Anonymous]

[quote=AnonymousOP here. Every time I talk about quitting or supplementing, he throws a fit. He says formula isn’t that healthy and it doesn’t have good ingredients. He will talk about all of the problematic ingredients until I just give in and tell him I will keep pumping.


Yikes, OP. Stop talking about it and trying to get his permission. You don't need his permission. Go buy some formula today and start using it. Likes others said, unless he figures out how to lactate, this is not something he gets to decide or control.

[Anonymous]

My Dh also thinks that cleaning takes one hour a day. Women’s chores are always minimized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, so really this sounds all about housework

How much housework are you doing? Stop. Besides taking out the trash, disposing of dirty diapers and baby's laundry ... what are you doing?? Stop.

You are going to have to lower your standards greatly

OP here. I do it all and can’t really stop because things needs to get done.

I cook all of our meals, wash bottles/pump parts, do a quick daily cleaning of all areas, pay the bills, do all the laundry ( including his), restock nursery, groceries, and order stuff for the house. He does take out the trash but that’s it.

STOP! Stop doing his laundry. This is insane. And on the weekends, you can order takeout. Buy paper plates and plastic forks. Just stop doing things. You say you guys are doing okay financially, so now is the time to spend on these small things that make life a little easier.

And definitely schedule a zoom marital therapy. Your husband is digging in his heels hard that nothing house related is his responsibility. You need to deal with this ASAP — it’s only going to get harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are headed for some really bumpy times ahead in your marriage if you can’t manage a 10 week old with one parent on leave and the other working a normal (for DC )work week. Sleep when the baby sleeps and do your chores like loading a dishwasher whenever. This is so not worth arguing about with a newborn baby in the house. I kinda hate to say but mothering is not entirely fair or equitable. You as the mother will be tasked with the lion’s share of the work regarding the children and home.

It’s hard because the mom is making two choices that make her life a lot harder:

1. Pumping
2. Baby napping on her.

It’s like the moms who have kids who don’t sleep and complain about it. No, a one year old can’t keep you from sleeping. Create a safe sleep environment and put on a sound machine. If you’re up hours every night for a young child, that’s your decision but it isn’t necessary!

1. The baby isn't one.

2. Thank you're lucky stars you had easy one year olds.

The PP has a point though. Mom doesn't need to pump every 3 hrs around the clock. So what is DH wants her to. She doesn't have to and she can stop at any time or cut out any session she sees fit. I find it REALLY hard to believe her DH cares this much about her pumping and breastmilk. It is likely he wants the baby to get breastmilk because he read somewhere it is best and OP is home with baby. But I seriously doubt he will blow a gasket if she pumps 3 times per day and supplements the rest. He won't care OP. You are doing this to yourself. All things considered, you still have it pretty easy. Come back when you have baby #2 with colic and a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, so really this sounds all about housework

How much housework are you doing? Stop. Besides taking out the trash, disposing of dirty diapers and baby's laundry ... what are you doing?? Stop.

You are going to have to lower your standards greatly

OP here. I do it all and can’t really stop because things needs to get done.

I cook all of our meals, wash bottles/pump parts, do a quick daily cleaning of all areas, pay the bills, do all the laundry ( including his), restock nursery, groceries, and order stuff for the house. He does take out the trash but that’s it.

STOP! Stop doing his laundry. This is insane. And on the weekends, you can order takeout. Buy paper plates and plastic forks. Just stop doing things. You say you guys are doing okay financially, so now is the time to spend on these small things that make life a little easier.

And definitely schedule a zoom marital therapy. Your husband is digging in his heels hard that nothing house related is his responsibility. You need to deal with this ASAP — it’s only going to get harder.

+1, OP stop catering to him. He’s not a baby and he’s clearly becoming too reliant on your labor.