Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman and have some male friends who are chronic cheaters. One guy, his wife found out about one particular woman and actually divorced him over that, but that was years after she had already found out about him cheating before they even got married. She married him anyway, and he never stopped cheating on her. Ever.

Another friend has been married twice. He cheated on both wives. In fact, the current wife was his mistress during his first marriage. She may think she won the prize but the sad truth is that he cheats on her too.

So what I’ve learned from this is that cheaters will ALWAYS cheat. They will never ever stop cheating. And as the wife, you will be the last to know they are cheating, and will never know the full extent of their cheating even if you catch them.

So I don’t think a woman should EVER take back a man who has cheated on her. No way. He will definitely do it again. He will say whatever he has to and get back in your good graces. He will say no feelings were involved. He will say it was only that one woman. But know there’s a 99% chance you are not getting anything near the full picture.

Let him go unless you love the life you’ve built with him and not ready to let that go, which I could understand. But know that he will almost definitely keep cheating on you and that is the price you’re paying for that life.

Honey, women do the same.

I know several chronic female cheaters. One just got discovered and it was already her third affair in the marriage. First and only one her husband knows about.

[Anonymous]

as you can see, OP, there is no 'right' way. Some people stay and it works out, some people stay and it doesn't. I think the key thing is that you are nowhere near where you need to be or should be to make that decision and that is OK. In fact, the best thing is for both you and your husband to realize that the marriage you had is gone. Its up to each of you now to figure out how to move forward. You mentioned he agreed to marriage counseling but as others have suggested, right now individual counseling is more effective. You need a space to process all of this on your own. He needs to come to terms with his actions and feelings. In a couple months, you will have a better sense of how to move forward, in either direction, and then you can start counseling.

My advice would be to temporarily separate, or at least separate in the home, but that's not always practical. Just be aware that some cheaters are desperate to patch things up and will cling to the marriage, but not actually do the work. If he is truly committed to working through it, he will have to commit to your uncertainty. That's a risk that he created. And if he can't give you that space and time, then he's not committed to the marriage enough to stay with him through this.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you can get some support--a close friend or sibling or something, along with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

You don’t have to wait several hundred years, as long as your spouse is aware of your ‘natural proclivities’ beforehand. No-one likes having decisions made without their knowledge. t seems you were the cheater. Does your DH also feel it was no big deal?

Gross. He must be a Beta Max.

Men usually take the cheating much harder than women. I’m guessing he doesn’t care because he doesn’t love you and has already written off the marriage.

He’s probably gay and doesn’t bang her anyway.

Yes. Something is definitely wrong there. Anyone who could care less about lies and betrayal has some issues of co-dependency or really already turned away from their spouse and has no feelings. Apathy is what kills a relationship. If there is anger after, there is emotion there. When someone doesn’t even care...there is no love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

I can’t imagine my wife getting railed by somebody else or her having other d@cks in her mouth.

How long was your affair?

You have issues surrounding sex. You sound like you’re harboring some intense hatred of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:as you can see, OP, there is no 'right' way. Some people stay and it works out, some people stay and it doesn't. I think the key thing is that you are nowhere near where you need to be or should be to make that decision and that is OK. In fact, the best thing is for both you and your husband to realize that the marriage you had is gone. Its up to each of you now to figure out how to move forward. You mentioned he agreed to marriage counseling but as others have suggested, right now individual counseling is more effective. You need a space to process all of this on your own. He needs to come to terms with his actions and feelings. In a couple months, you will have a better sense of how to move forward, in either direction, and then you can start counseling.

My advice would be to temporarily separate, or at least separate in the home, but that's not always practical. Just be aware that some cheaters are desperate to patch things up and will cling to the marriage, but not actually do the work. If he is truly committed to working through it, he will have to commit to your uncertainty. That's a risk that he created. And if he can't give you that space and time, then he's not committed to the marriage enough to stay with him through this.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you can get some support--a close friend or sibling or something, along with a therapist.

Most of them can't be alone. If AP doesn't want them, or isn't a suitable "public" partner, they will stick with the spouse until someone else comes along.

[Anonymous]

OP- the problem with affairs is nobody knows the success stories or couples that survived and then thrived because they are dirty, dark guarded secrets. Most people tell nobody but a therapist. You’d be shocked at how many marriages you view as happy and successful were rocked by an affair at some point.

As a therapist, I see it all. Every situation and every human being is different. The “once a cheater” is just not true. People that take deep inventory and WANT to change and put in hard work can and do change. To think otherwise is to say nobody is ever capable of change.

When you listen to the anecdotal evidence realize that you are much more likely to hear the horror stories, the extremes and the cases where one party did not want to be in a marriage. You are not getting the stories of those that faced it head on and came out with a much deeper, living marriage. And, that’s not because there aren’t many of those out there. It is because they are very private matters which people do not disclose to protect their children.

Good luck. Hearing what a friend of friend had happen or a scorned man or woman had happen by no means mean that is your situation. Everyone has different reasons, different traumas, different relationships and personalities.

It’s getting to the heart of your own situation and after deep examination with therapy individually for both of you and after that couples’ you can decide if it is a marriage worth saving, a person that has changed. You will need safety net while doing this—-things for your protection—as others mentioned: vasectomy, post-nup, therapy and full transparency.

Good luck. Please take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

I can’t imagine my wife getting railed by somebody else or her having other d@cks in her mouth.

How long was your affair?

You have issues surrounding sex. You sound like you’re harboring some intense hatred of women.

You have issues with honesty and integrity. Somewhere you learned lying was acceptable. If your husband says “yes, honey, go bang whomever you want”, fine. You instead lied and went behind his back and exposed him to disease demonstrating zero respect for him. That’s not a “sex” issue, that’s extremely poor character with no integrity or morals. A liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- the problem with affairs is nobody knows the success stories or couples that survived and then thrived because they are dirty, dark guarded secrets. Most people tell nobody but a therapist. You’d be shocked at how many marriages you view as happy and successful were rocked by an affair at some point.

As a therapist, I see it all. Every situation and every human being is different. The “once a cheater” is just not true. People that take deep inventory and WANT to change and put in hard work can and do change. To think otherwise is to say nobody is ever capable of change.

When you listen to the anecdotal evidence realize that you are much more likely to hear the horror stories, the extremes and the cases where one party did not want to be in a marriage. You are not getting the stories of those that faced it head on and came out with a much deeper, living marriage. And, that’s not because there aren’t many of those out there. It is because they are very private matters which people do not disclose to protect their children.

Good luck. Hearing what a friend of friend had happen or a scorned man or woman had happen by no means mean that is your situation. Everyone has different reasons, different traumas, different relationships and personalities.

It’s getting to the heart of your own situation and after deep examination with therapy individually for both of you and after that couples’ you can decide if it is a marriage worth saving, a person that has changed. You will need safety net while doing this—-things for your protection—as others mentioned: vasectomy, post-nup, therapy and full transparency.

Good luck. Please take care of yourself.

+100

Don’t let anyone SHAME you for what you decide and take your time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:as you can see, OP, there is no 'right' way. Some people stay and it works out, some people stay and it doesn't. I think the key thing is that you are nowhere near where you need to be or should be to make that decision and that is OK. In fact, the best thing is for both you and your husband to realize that the marriage you had is gone. Its up to each of you now to figure out how to move forward. You mentioned he agreed to marriage counseling but as others have suggested, right now individual counseling is more effective. You need a space to process all of this on your own. He needs to come to terms with his actions and feelings. In a couple months, you will have a better sense of how to move forward, in either direction, and then you can start counseling.

My advice would be to temporarily separate, or at least separate in the home, but that's not always practical. Just be aware that some cheaters are desperate to patch things up and will cling to the marriage, but not actually do the work. If he is truly committed to working through it, he will have to commit to your uncertainty. That's a risk that he created. And if he can't give you that space and time, then he's not committed to the marriage enough to stay with him through this.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you can get some support--a close friend or sibling or something, along with a therapist.

Most of them can't be alone. If AP doesn't want them, or isn't a suitable "public" partner, they will stick with the spouse until someone else comes along.

The most telling information is what comes right after the passage you put in bold. That’s where you see if the sincerity is there. You follow the actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- the problem with affairs is nobody knows the success stories or couples that survived and then thrived because they are dirty, dark guarded secrets. Most people tell nobody but a therapist. You’d be shocked at how many marriages you view as happy and successful were rocked by an affair at some point.

As a therapist, I see it all. Every situation and every human being is different. The “once a cheater” is just not true. People that take deep inventory and WANT to change and put in hard work can and do change. To think otherwise is to say nobody is ever capable of change.

When you listen to the anecdotal evidence realize that you are much more likely to hear the horror stories, the extremes and the cases where one party did not want to be in a marriage. You are not getting the stories of those that faced it head on and came out with a much deeper, living marriage. And, that’s not because there aren’t many of those out there. It is because they are very private matters which people do not disclose to protect their children.

Good luck. Hearing what a friend of friend had happen or a scorned man or woman had happen by no means mean that is your situation. Everyone has different reasons, different traumas, different relationships and personalities.

It’s getting to the heart of your own situation and after deep examination with therapy individually for both of you and after that couples’ you can decide if it is a marriage worth saving, a person that has changed. You will need safety net while doing this—-things for your protection—as others mentioned: vasectomy, post-nup, therapy and full transparency.

Good luck. Please take care of yourself.

I agree with this poster that likely more marriages are rocked by this than we realize but what doesn’t make sense to me is the comment that we don’t hear stories of success. Clearly some on here do believe they are successful.

The thing is what is the timeframe for success when people talk about it? Many cheaters will be found out again after some time as they will have gotten better at hiding or haven’t been stressed enough to want to cheat again. Statistics will tell you that cheaters are more likely to cheat again. Obviously you have to figure out whether your situation is the anomaly. Personally, I’ve read too many stories on here where they found that the spouse cheated again to assume he won’t cheat again.

[Anonymous]

I do believe there is a distinction between people who cheat once and those who are serial cheaters.

If a person cheats, realizes it is something THEY cannot live with--it goes against their morals, they feel true remorse about the pain they have caused others and they invest a lot of time and effort into seeking treatment then they have a chance of not repeating the behavior.

The ones who astound me are the ones who cheat, fall all over themselves apologizing, crying, acting as if they can't go on living.... only to do it all again once things have gone back to "normal." I've known one serial cheater (friend and co-worker) in my life and he is in his late 50's, still unmarried and still at it.

Only the cheater truly knows how they feel inside and how much effort they are willing to put into recovery.

Only the person who was cheated on knows if they can ever truly move forward and live with the cheater.

[Anonymous]

“You’ve read stories on here.” People that are happy and don’t have problems aren’t frequenting help boards or continuing to frequent infidelity boards. If somebody has truly moved on, that’s in the past. The people that do contribute are usually the ones still troubled by betrayal and married to somebody that didn’t do the work.

Happy people usually are living their lives.

The only time I privately journal or post on this board is usually when I have a problem. The saying “misery loves company” applies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed. It hasn’t been easy, but we have found happiness after years of therapy and recovery work. I still have triggers and pain surrounding certain dates and events, but the good times outweigh the bad.

Individual and couples therapy was a must for us. Individual therapy for me to help me sort out my feelings, heal from the trauma and pain from betrayal, and learning how to forgive and trust again.

Individual therapy for DH for him to work on why/how he could betray our relationship. He had unresolved childhood trauma that was causing him to sabotage his life. He didn’t think he was worthy of a good life. Like how could anyone love him.

Couples therapy for us to trust again and establish ground rules for our relationship. We have complete transparency- like FaceTiming overnight when he travels out of town, fully open electronics, access to all financial accounts.

DH did a full stop on all cheating and was remorseful for his actions. I don’t think I could stay if he didn’t genuinely realize what he did was terrible. And if he ever cheats again I’m leaving. No more therapy. We’re done.

NP and I could have written this myself. Of course the specifics of our dynamic were different, but these factors were all part of our recovery too (no contact with AP, lots of therapy, remorse, etc.)

In our case, DH and I had been together 23 years when I discovered his long term affair. His betrayal was physical, not emotional, which was easier for me to accept. I had health issues that made sex impossible to enjoy and DH was extremely needy and entitled. We were both selfish and terrible at communicating our needs. Our dynamic was toxic, hardened by many years of mutual neglect. We spent two years in therapy together and separately, sold our house and started fresh 9 years ago. Through therapy we rediscovered a true bond and friendship that had formed the basis for our relationship but had been buried under so much anger and disappointment. It took a long time to heal and reconnect. But we did and we are happy now, including our 13 year old kid, who was the reason we worked so hard to save what seemed to be irreparably broken at the time. DH is a different person now. I am too. And our marriage is stronger than ever. But this evolution only happened because both of us were willing to work like crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

OP, you will get lots of advice like this on this board and from friends and family members if you choose to share. No one can possibly imagine what they would do if confronted with your situation. And everyone’s situation is different from yours. Therapy and introspection will be your best friends in this. And there is no hurry to make a decision. I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve been there.

[Anonymous]

I did a long time ago & it did nothing good for me.

I had young children w/him and after the affair, he changed into the guy I always wanted him to be!
But it was only temporary.

Over time, just being w/him literally made me want to vomit.
He disgusted me so much, just having him touch me turned me off.

The anger + feeling of betrayal only grew over the years.
The resentment was unbearable.

For me, I just wanted to be free of someone who had the capability of hurting me so bad.