Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re not alone. I recently found out about DH’s affair. He says he was not in love at all but it lasted years. I don’t have answers for you as we are both on the same track but I will say that reading all the comments on this thread, it’s clear that it depends on the marriage and the people involved. I live day by day right now. As does he. If I don’t feel like he’s trying anymore, I’m ready to call it quits. I see it as up to him at this point. I don’t have much energy beyond taking care of my kids and working. Any energy I do have I input into myself. I rest, read, nap, exercise, whatever I can, to help myself. I’m processing and my body is feeling the brunt of this lie. He is remorseful but I’m not ready to even care about that.

Take care of yourself.

How long did it go on?! I’m so sorry.

4 years.

I’m the one that is in the same situation. 3.5 years here, but they had many months of no contact each year over that time span.

Sorry PP. DH told me the same thing - that they would go months without seeing each other. But honestly it makes no difference to me at this point. I’m not interested in hearing things that mitigate the circumstances. He did what he did and there are no excuses. I had to hear, read and process so much when he told me (a few months ago) that I’m exhausted. Mentally I’m broken down. Our marriage, how I see him, and how I see myself. Physically I am broken down. First it was heart palpitations, no appetite, headaches. Now I have a lot of back pain. My skin looks terrible. I’m glad I have my children and my career. It keeps me on task for most of the day. COVID means DH is home all day so it’s easier in some ways - he’s not at the office, not at lunches, not on business trips.

We can only take care of ourselves. Whatever the final outcome I have to survive, be healthy and try to be happy once again. Whether we end up divorced or not, I don’t know nor do I even care right now. I want to live happily no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Leave these POS man children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re not alone. I recently found out about DH’s affair. He says he was not in love at all but it lasted years. I don’t have answers for you as we are both on the same track but I will say that reading all the comments on this thread, it’s clear that it depends on the marriage and the people involved. I live day by day right now. As does he. If I don’t feel like he’s trying anymore, I’m ready to call it quits. I see it as up to him at this point. I don’t have much energy beyond taking care of my kids and working. Any energy I do have I input into myself. I rest, read, nap, exercise, whatever I can, to help myself. I’m processing and my body is feeling the brunt of this lie. He is remorseful but I’m not ready to even care about that.

Take care of yourself.

How long did it go on?! I’m so sorry.

4 years.

I’m the one that is in the same situation. 3.5 years here, but they had many months of no contact each year over that time span.

Sorry PP. DH told me the same thing - that they would go months without seeing each other. But honestly it makes no difference to me at this point. I’m not interested in hearing things that mitigate the circumstances. He did what he did and there are no excuses. I had to hear, read and process so much when he told me (a few months ago) that I’m exhausted. Mentally I’m broken down. Our marriage, how I see him, and how I see myself. Physically I am broken down. First it was heart palpitations, no appetite, headaches. Now I have a lot of back pain. My skin looks terrible. I’m glad I have my children and my career. It keeps me on task for most of the day. COVID means DH is home all day so it’s easier in some ways - he’s not at the office, not at lunches, not on business trips.

We can only take care of ourselves. Whatever the final outcome I have to survive, be healthy and try to be happy once again. Whether we end up divorced or not, I don’t know nor do I even care right now. I want to live happily no matter what.

Yes. I agree. Same feelings about the logistics.

You have classic PTSD symptoms. They treat it the same for infidelity trauma. I also have a constant racing heart, anxiety, weight loss, lack of/unable to sleep, heart palpitations, exhaustion and a constant roller coaster of emotions...all while trying to stay normal in front of my kids and actually succeed at my full-time day job. I also like the fact I don’t have to socialize or make small talk right now because of Covid and also that he is home all of the time too.

I get it. I feel the same. I also had a parent die recently so it’s been a sh@t time.

[Anonymous]

DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

My natural instincts are to have the smallest bit of impulse control and not blow up my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

You don’t have to wait several hundred years, as long as your spouse is aware of your ‘natural proclivities’ beforehand. No-one likes having decisions made without their knowledge. t seems you were the cheater. Does your DH also feel it was no big deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

You don’t have to wait several hundred years, as long as your spouse is aware of your ‘natural proclivities’ beforehand. No-one likes having decisions made without their knowledge. t seems you were the cheater. Does your DH also feel it was no big deal?

Gross. He must be a Beta Max.

Men usually take the cheating much harder than women. I’m guessing he doesn’t care because he doesn’t love you and has already written off the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

You don’t have to wait several hundred years, as long as your spouse is aware of your ‘natural proclivities’ beforehand. No-one likes having decisions made without their knowledge. t seems you were the cheater. Does your DH also feel it was no big deal?

Gross. He must be a Beta Max.

Men usually take the cheating much harder than women. I’m guessing he doesn’t care because he doesn’t love you and has already written off the marriage.

He’s probably gay and doesn’t bang her anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re not alone. I recently found out about DH’s affair. He says he was not in love at all but it lasted years. I don’t have answers for you as we are both on the same track but I will say that reading all the comments on this thread, it’s clear that it depends on the marriage and the people involved. I live day by day right now. As does he. If I don’t feel like he’s trying anymore, I’m ready to call it quits. I see it as up to him at this point. I don’t have much energy beyond taking care of my kids and working. Any energy I do have I input into myself. I rest, read, nap, exercise, whatever I can, to help myself. I’m processing and my body is feeling the brunt of this lie. He is remorseful but I’m not ready to even care about that.

Take care of yourself.

How long did it go on?! I’m so sorry.

4 years.

I’m the one that is in the same situation. 3.5 years here, but they had many months of no contact each year over that time span.

Sorry PP. DH told me the same thing - that they would go months without seeing each other. But honestly it makes no difference to me at this point. I’m not interested in hearing things that mitigate the circumstances. He did what he did and there are no excuses. I had to hear, read and process so much when he told me (a few months ago) that I’m exhausted. Mentally I’m broken down. Our marriage, how I see him, and how I see myself. Physically I am broken down. First it was heart palpitations, no appetite, headaches. Now I have a lot of back pain. My skin looks terrible. I’m glad I have my children and my career. It keeps me on task for most of the day. COVID means DH is home all day so it’s easier in some ways - he’s not at the office, not at lunches, not on business trips.

We can only take care of ourselves. Whatever the final outcome I have to survive, be healthy and try to be happy once again. Whether we end up divorced or not, I don’t know nor do I even care right now. I want to live happily no matter what.

Yes. I agree. Same feelings about the logistics.

You have classic PTSD symptoms. They treat it the same for infidelity trauma. I also have a constant racing heart, anxiety, weight loss, lack of/unable to sleep, heart palpitations, exhaustion and a constant roller coaster of emotions...all while trying to stay normal in front of my kids and actually succeed at my full-time day job. I also like the fact I don’t have to socialize or make small talk right now because of Covid and also that he is home all of the time too.

I get it. I feel the same. I also had a parent die recently so it’s been a sh@t time.

You both should check out EMDR therapy.

[Anonymous]

I stayed and it was a touch two years. Found out he was cheating again. Wasted time and mental strain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH stayed with me. It’s really not that big of a deal. It’s not a break the family up situation unless you’re puritanical.

I hope in several hundred years we wipe out monogamy. It’s a plague on fun and our natural proclivities.

I can’t imagine my wife getting railed by somebody else or her having other d@cks in her mouth.

How long was your affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ they purchase visa gift cards at Whole Foods and CVS- get real! That’s what they use so no trace to an account and the purchase looks legit on the regular credit card Bill. They do t even bother with burner email after setup they use direct internet messaging so no trace—a million ways to do that as simple as Skype.

You cannot catch them...

Yes. Another account/credit card would show up on a credit report.

My spouse and I get regular credit reports and gave a freeze on our credit to protect against identity theft.

If they have another credit card it will show up on a free credit report from any of the 3 major companies: experian, transunion, etc.

Somebody married should have all of the info to run a report, e.g., birthdate, social security #, etc.

This is why my spouse used cash and purchased Visa gift cards to use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d want to know who ended it. Is it only over because she broke up with him or you found out? Is she married or single?

A big part of relief I have is that mine had ended it pretty brutally and she told me so as well. There is zero chance of him have feelings ever again. He only has contempt and disgust there.

If she could pop back up again in the future, I’d worry.

I’d also say heavy therapy so there is never anyone else again.

You are delusional. He could find a whole different woman to cheat with. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman and have some male friends who are chronic cheaters. One guy, his wife found out about one particular woman and actually divorced him over that, but that was years after she had already found out about him cheating before they even got married. She married him anyway, and he never stopped cheating on her. Ever.

Another friend has been married twice. He cheated on both wives. In fact, the current wife was his mistress during his first marriage. She may think she won the prize but the sad truth is that he cheats on her too.

So what I’ve learned from this is that cheaters will ALWAYS cheat. They will never ever stop cheating. And as the wife, you will be the last to know they are cheating, and will never know the full extent of their cheating even if you catch them.

So I don’t think a woman should EVER take back a man who has cheated on her. No way. He will definitely do it again. He will say whatever he has to and get back in your good graces. He will say no feelings were involved. He will say it was only that one woman. But know there’s a 99% chance you are not getting anything near the full picture.

Let him go unless you love the life you’ve built with him and not ready to let that go, which I could understand. But know that he will almost definitely keep cheating on you and that is the price you’re paying for that life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d want to know who ended it. Is it only over because she broke up with him or you found out? Is she married or single?

A big part of relief I have is that mine had ended it pretty brutally and she told me so as well. There is zero chance of him have feelings ever again. He only has contempt and disgust there.

If she could pop back up again in the future, I’d worry.

I’d also say heavy therapy so there is never anyone else again.

You are delusional. He could find a whole different woman to cheat with. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.

That’s not delusional. Nobody is questioning that he could do it again...but if there is any chance of reconciliation there is need to know the intent is good and they aren’t still secretly seeing the AP. It’s step 1 in any recovery program. The heavy work has to be wanted and taken by the cheater. But, if I’m even going to consider id damn well make sure an affair is over.