Reply to Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP- the problem with affairs is nobody knows the success stories or couples that survived and then thrived because they are dirty, dark guarded secrets.  Most people tell nobody but a therapist.  You’d be shocked at how many marriages you view as happy and successful were rocked by an affair at some point.

As a therapist, I see it all.  Every situation and every human being is different.  The “once a cheater” is just not true.  People that take deep inventory and WANT to change and put in hard work can and do change.  To think otherwise is to say nobody is ever capable of change.

When you listen to the anecdotal evidence realize that you are much more likely to hear the horror stories, the extremes and the cases where one party did not want to be in a marriage.  You are not getting the stories of those that faced it head on and came out with a much deeper, living marriage.  And, that’s not because there aren’t many of those out there.  It is because they are very private matters which people do not disclose to protect their children.

Good luck.  Hearing what a friend of friend had happen or a scorned man or woman had happen by no means mean that is your situation.  Everyone has different reasons, different traumas, different relationships and personalities.

It’s getting to the heart of your own situation and after deep examination with therapy individually for both of you and after that couples’ you can decide if it is a marriage worth saving, a person that has changed.  You will need safety net while doing this—-things for your protection—as others mentioned: vasectomy, post-nup, therapy and full transparency.

Good luck.  Please take care of yourself.[/quote]

I agree with this poster that likely more marriages are rocked by this than we realize but what doesn’t make sense to me is the comment that we don’t hear stories of success.  Clearly some on here do believe they are successful.

The thing is what is the timeframe for success when people talk about it?  Many cheaters will be found out again after some time as they will have gotten better at hiding or haven’t been stressed enough to want to cheat again.  Statistics will tell you that cheaters are more likely to cheat again.  Obviously you have to figure out whether your situation is the anomaly.  Personally,  I’ve read too many stories on here where they found that the spouse cheated again to assume he won’t cheat again.[/quote]

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