Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

I tried but I simply could not get over the visual of her having sex with some other guy. We tried therapy but I just couldn't believe that it wouldn't happen again so we divorced thankfully with no children involved. Two years later I discovered that it wasn't just one guy that she had had an affair with and that certainly never came out in therapy.

[Anonymous]

It would have to be on some new grounds. Get a post-nup that protects you and the kids. Make it iron clad that if he strays again he is out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They no longer work together but I'm just wondering if anyone truly gets over the feelings of intense betrayal and disappointment in a way that a real marriage is actually possible going forward.

I'm so sorry OP. Sending you a big hug and affirmation that you did not cause this situation, and that you cannot fix it for your husband. Whatever you do, don't go to counseling with him. This situation is not about building a bridge between the two of you. You didn't cheat. He did. He can go to counseling by himself and commit himself to figuring out why he thought it was ok to betray you and your/his children. Absolutely you should to go counseling for, and by, yourself if you are seeking emotional support and grounding. The pain is excruciating. Read all the comments you can from people who have posted about surviving. Surviving the pain seems impossible but it's not, and you are your best ally for yourself and your kids. Do what you need to to keep your sanity for your sake and for your kids. Your husband basically is not the person you thought he was. He hid his pain and abused you. He clearly could not stop himself. Maybe he will be able to stop himself, in the future, before treating someone this way, but you continue to be at risk because he does not understand what he did to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I decided to stay. The thing is this from my experience. It's one thing for a man to cheat and have sex and a little fun and then try to work through it, but it's an entire different ball of wax when there are feelings involved. He said that he cut contact w/her, but I always wondered. Even having access to passwords, etc. is still an icky feeling because who wants to feel like that have to constantly check-in on what their spouse is doing? I stopped bringing up his affair once we decided to move past it and try to heal the marriage, but it was always there in the back of my mind. I had constant triggers. Places that we had never gone to, but they did and then he wanted me to go too. The mind movies are unreal. But again, I tried to push forward. Then out of the blue, he left to be with her again after two years of us reconciling. It was devastating in the beginning, but what a relief to not have to worry about him and her and them. I would never take a cheater back again. It was far too mentally draining for me.

Thank you for this brave, honest answer. I am so very sorry that you went through what you did with that guy. I'm terrified of this scenario happening as well.

[Anonymous]

I stayed. It hasn’t been easy, but we have found happiness after years of therapy and recovery work. I still have triggers and pain surrounding certain dates and events, but the good times outweigh the bad.

Individual and couples therapy was a must for us. Individual therapy for me to help me sort out my feelings, heal from the trauma and pain from betrayal, and learning how to forgive and trust again.

Individual therapy for DH for him to work on why/how he could betray our relationship. He had unresolved childhood trauma that was causing him to sabotage his life. He didn’t think he was worthy of a good life. Like how could anyone love him.

Couples therapy for us to trust again and establish ground rules for our relationship. We have complete transparency- like FaceTiming overnight when he travels out of town, fully open electronics, access to all financial accounts.

DH did a full stop on all cheating and was remorseful for his actions. I don’t think I could stay if he didn’t genuinely realize what he did was terrible. And if he ever cheats again I’m leaving. No more therapy. We’re done.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the responses. He told me himself even though he definitely was not honest about the extent of it from the first conversation. My biggest issue is really that if he truly is in love with someone else then I don't want to work on this even if he says he is committed to no contact. I also don't want to reinvest myself in this marriage is this is the shadow of someone in the background and feeling like he is just settling for staying in this life out of guilt.

[Anonymous]

If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a full blown affair with a co-worker. Expensive dinners, hotel stays, real feelings involved etc. I know everyone says this but I never thought I would find myself here. I have lost 10 pounds the past month from not eating, generally feel anxious and nauseous most of the day, and have a constant play of images of them together in my mind. We have 2 elementary age children and DH says that he is willing to go to counseling and wants to work on the marriage and has cut contact with the affair partner and given me access to all his passwords, phone, etc. I just don't know how I will ever get over this and wonder whether he is actually in love with this woman but feels compelled to stay and work on the marriage for the sake of the children. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

This is an important first step. If he did not commit to these things I think the marriage is gone, but there may be a chance. Time will tell if he actually follows through on them.

[Anonymous]

I haven't been there, but I know two people who have, and while what they did and how it ended up are both really different, their advice to others on what to do is exactly the same, which I think says something: They both say, in the immediate aftermath, kick him out. He's gotta go live somewhere else for a while, while you figure it all out, both logistically and emotionally.

In both cases, the affair was similar to what you're describing - ongoing, serious, real emotions, although I don't thing like for a super long time.

One woman kicked her husband out. They were separated for a while (at least a year, I think). The kids were fairly small, but old enough that they definitely remember the time when dad lived in the apartment. Did therapy, etc, and got back together. That was, oh, probably 20 years ago, and they're still together and happy. She thinks that asking him to leave made him immediately live with consequences, gave her space to process, and showed them both that life was better together - a great foundation for moving forward.

The other woman did NOT kick her husband out. They tried to work it out, he was very apologetic, regretful, tried to fix up the marriage. It didn't last - couple years later he was caught in an affair, and they divorced. She thinks that if she had kicked him out the first time, she would have seen that the marriage was broken and wasn't going to work - that some distance would have helped her.

So, again, I've never been there - but because of those two pieces of advice, that's what I would do, at least in the short term.

[Anonymous]

I stayed after my husband’s, primarily, emotional affair. Our child was around 3 at time, now 14, I regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH had a full blown affair with a co-worker. Expensive dinners, hotel stays, real feelings involved etc. I know everyone says this but I never thought I would find myself here. I have lost 10 pounds the past month from not eating, generally feel anxious and nauseous most of the day, and have a constant play of images of them together in my mind. We have 2 elementary age children and DH says that he is willing to go to counseling and wants to work on the marriage and has cut contact with the affair partner and given me access to all his passwords, phone, etc. I just don't know how I will ever get over this and wonder whether he is actually in love with this woman but feels compelled to stay and work on the marriage for the sake of the children. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

This is an important first step. If he did not commit to these things I think the marriage is gone, but there may be a chance. Time will tell if he actually follows through on them.

OP, why and how did he tell you? "Willing" to go to counseling or he's desperate to never treat someone so poorly again, and feels terrible that he was keeping a secret from you? It's possible that he's addicted to the high of intense emotions swirling around him, and you were the next, closest, most available person he could elicit for that experience.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of success stories and they almost always are due to how the cheater responds and how committed they are to individual therapy and change.

An affair sometimes serves as a major wake-up call and after intensive individual and couples therapy some people maintain their marriage ends up stronger and happier than before. They communicate better and demonstrate deeper love. They gain the tools for success.

But if the male or female cheater is a remorseless, selfish jerk that never gets to the cause of their cheating and wants to shift blame or dust over it, the marriage is destined to fail.

I know people that have come out of midlife after recovery from an affair stronger and happier than those limping along in a loveless, bitter and resentful marriage where nobody cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been there, but I know two people who have, and while what they did and how it ended up are both really different, their advice to others on what to do is exactly the same, which I think says something: They both say, in the immediate aftermath, kick him out. He's gotta go live somewhere else for a while, while you figure it all out, both logistically and emotionally.

In both cases, the affair was similar to what you're describing - ongoing, serious, real emotions, although I don't thing like for a super long time.

One woman kicked her husband out. They were separated for a while (at least a year, I think). The kids were fairly small, but old enough that they definitely remember the time when dad lived in the apartment. Did therapy, etc, and got back together. That was, oh, probably 20 years ago, and they're still together and happy. She thinks that asking him to leave made him immediately live with consequences, gave her space to process, and showed them both that life was better together - a great foundation for moving forward.

The other woman did NOT kick her husband out. They tried to work it out, he was very apologetic, regretful, tried to fix up the marriage. It didn't last - couple years later he was caught in an affair, and they divorced. She thinks that if she had kicked him out the first time, she would have seen that the marriage was broken and wasn't going to work - that some distance would have helped her.

So, again, I've never been there - but because of those two pieces of advice, that's what I would do, at least in the short term.

This. Some type of separation, formal or not, with counseling seems like an idea you should consider. First, it allows you time to think and experience your emotions without him. Second, it shows him how serious you are about the betrayal. Third, if it sends him back to the AP, you will have your answer.

[Anonymous]

I have been though this once about 8 years ago. He broke off that affair and we were good until he did find greener grass and we eventually divorced.

If I we’re paying attention to all the signs back then I could’ve foreseen how we’d eventually end up.

OP, my advice is to examine your relationship in totality before you decide what to do. Set aside your feelings for your family life and really look at who each of you are.

[Anonymous]

My spouse had an affair and he was very much in love with his affair partner. He broke off the relationship and we stayed together, but our marriage was never the same and we struggled a lot. My spouse died five years ago and I found out after his death that he was still in contact (and probably in love) with his affair partner. Knowing what I know now and what we went through, I would probably let him go and I should have filed for divorce. I think that I was scared of the unknown, being a single parent etc. Living in peace is much better than living with the constant knot in your stomach always fearing the worst.

My personal opinion is that a marriage will never be the same after such a full blown affair and it is generally best to separate. Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide to do.