Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?

[Anonymous]

My DH had a full blown affair with a co-worker. Expensive dinners, hotel stays, real feelings involved etc. I know everyone says this but I never thought I would find myself here. I have lost 10 pounds the past month from not eating, generally feel anxious and nauseous most of the day, and have a constant play of images of them together in my mind. We have 2 elementary age children and DH says that he is willing to go to counseling and wants to work on the marriage and has cut contact with the affair partner and given me access to all his passwords, phone, etc. I just don't know how I will ever get over this and wonder whether he is actually in love with this woman but feels compelled to stay and work on the marriage for the sake of the children. How do you decide whether to stay or go?

[Anonymous]

I know it's Covid times, but if he's not getting a new job,, away from this affair partner, then I wouldn't give him a chance.

[Anonymous]

We did, but I don't think my DH's affair was that extensive. I really don't have as many details but my impression was it was about 2 months.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They no longer work together but I'm just wondering if anyone truly gets over the feelings of intense betrayal and disappointment in a way that a real marriage is actually possible going forward.

[Anonymous]

have not been through this but...

Have an honest conversation with him about if he would be staying for the kids or for you. If it is for the kids only, decide if that is what you want or not.

I personally would not consider an affair a dealbreaker if I loved him and loved my life as it was minus the affair, I would probably stay. But that is me.

I'm divorced. It was not a good marriage and there were no real emotions there and a very empty life. If I loved my ex and this happened though, I probably would stay.

[Anonymous]

I decided to stay. The thing is this from my experience. It's one thing for a man to cheat and have sex and a little fun and then try to work through it, but it's an entire different ball of wax when there are feelings involved. He said that he cut contact w/her, but I always wondered. Even having access to passwords, etc. is still an icky feeling because who wants to feel like that have to constantly check-in on what their spouse is doing? I stopped bringing up his affair once we decided to move past it and try to heal the marriage, but it was always there in the back of my mind. I had constant triggers. Places that we had never gone to, but they did and then he wanted me to go too. The mind movies are unreal. But again, I tried to push forward. Then out of the blue, he left to be with her again after two years of us reconciling. It was devastating in the beginning, but what a relief to not have to worry about him and her and them. I would never take a cheater back again. It was far too mentally draining for me.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we have but with years of therapy, individual and couples. There are many threads on this and most end up telling you just to divorce him. The reality is that you will be hurt by the affair regardless of whether you leave today or stay and work on it. If there is a chance to work on the marriage, and you love him (and he is truly remorseful!) than why not try. You can always leave next week or year if things are getting better.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it seems crazy but I would need to just totally revamp our entire lives. I couldn't live in the same house or have him go to the same job or even drive the same car he used to go see some other woman.

I think I would try but we would need to go to counseling and like, do something really crazy like move to another state or something to just start over.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I've been there and the pain and confusion can be overwhelming. Make sure you know the full extent of the affair and if your husband is truly remorseful and committed to you before you make any decisions. I did not want to blow up my children's lives and was planning on trying to make the marriage work. Then I found out my husband lied about how serious the extra-martial relationship really was and I had a nagging feeling he was never truly sorry about it, just that he got caught. We're divorced now which presents a new set of challenges, but I knew that I could never trust or respect him again and had to get out.

[Anonymous]

Trying to figure that out. Though my spouse didn’t spend any money on her and it wasn’t a grand love affair—just banged her once or twice a month for quite some time. He didn’t see her outside of that hour, not in real life. Their paths never crossed.Since it was one lunch hour twice a month max and also months where they went without seeing each other—none of this “I can’t live without you” which is what we had when we met” it was never “love”. It was a No-strings situation. Which, yes, is totally awful too—for both of them to do to their spouses.

OP, I know the horror of it all. I’m living it currently. I also dropped 10 pounds on a body that did not need to lose any weight. I couldn’t sleep for months. My job suffered as I couldn’t concentrate or focus. It’s 8 months out and I still get sick to my stomach at the thought of it. Mind movies will pop up, less often now. Now it’s more—-how could you do this to me? How could you lie so well...and why? We had a very active sex life,

Op- Did he tell you or did you discover it? My spouse had already broken it off with her but he hadn’t confessed it. I found out. I’m not sure if he would have. He was discussing that with a therapist already by the time I found out.

It depends on your spouse’s sincerity and remorse and willing to work at the “why”. And work at the “why” very hard and re-examine his priorities and values and learn new stress coping mechanisms, address childhood trauma/attachment issues. And, of course, how you feel and what the marriage was like prior matters a great deal. Do you truly love each other? Are you good partners/parents? Are you good friends? In my case, we had 24 years together and so much happiness prior. There is a solid foundation with a lot of love and respect (as crazy as that sounds for what he did).

You both need individual counseling. I am finally starting mine. I was shell shocked and didn’t have the energy prior. Then, you will need couple’s counseling. The transparency, of course, is a given—but I already had spouse’s phone and email passwords. That’s a false sense of security because there are so many ways around that so the “work” is what’s important. You will never be able to constantly track someone and who wants a life of surveillance. So- that means him really working on his issues and staying with therapy and earning trust. As our therapist said, guard rails are a must when rebuilding. And—a vasectomy and post-nup also help.

I’m so sorry. Nobody knows the pain or what they would really do unless they have experienced it themselves. When you have spent half your life with somebody and have kids and a lot of joy—if he fixes the source of the problem—are you and the kids better off divorced when you truly have great love for one another? I don’t think divorce ends the pain.

I don’t know, but it’s something you don’t need to decide today. It is very common, but nobody talks about it. Many have no idea their spouse is cheating. I certainly didn’t and had zero reason to even question it.

Big hugs. With Covid and the holidays, it really sucks to be going through it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I wish I hadn't. He was never truthful with me about the extent of that affair, and there were other infidelities that I didn't know about at the time.

It also just poisoned our relationship in general. Maybe if you are an extraordinary person with a superhuman ability to compartmentalize, you might be able to respect him again and trust him again, but it's uncommon.

At the end of the day, he did irreparable harm, and that's assuming this was the first affair or the last.

[Anonymous]

Did he ever take you to fancy dinners and hotels? I probably wouldn’t stay, but I’d even the playoff field first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he ever take you to fancy dinners and hotels? I probably wouldn’t stay, but I’d even the playoff field first.

Mine always did. He always lavished me with trios, fancy dinners, surprise Bday parties, etc. She (admittedly) never got gifts or dinners or anything fancy (just wham bam) because they didn’t want to tip the spouse’s off.

[Anonymous]

I’d want to know who ended it. Is it only over because she broke up with him or you found out? Is she married or single?

A big part of relief I have is that mine had ended it pretty brutally and she told me so as well. There is zero chance of him have feelings ever again. He only has contempt and disgust there.

If she could pop back up again in the future, I’d worry.

I’d also say heavy therapy so there is never anyone else again.

[Anonymous]

OP so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you seek your own therapy and time to work through this regardless of your decision.

It's such a complicated question. There are people who stay that have perfectly happy marriages and the affair happened only once. Alternatively, tons of people stay and issues regarding the affair, or new affairs occur and it creates more unnecessary hurt in the long term.

So many things to consider, if I were you, I would seriously think about the following, and do know, you may never have the answers to these questions.

1) How did you find out?
2) Is this truthfully the only time? Even if he says it is, is that the truth?
3) Was there a reason for the affair? What's his reason vs. what you view the reason vs. if a reason at all?
4) What was your relationship like before the affair, how is it going to be moving forward with the new information?
5) What's your plan to move on? Couples therapy, individual therapy, etc.?
6) What is your personality and how do you deal with cheating? Are you seriously someone who could forgive this affair and especially the aspects involving it?
7) What do you need from your partner to move on?

One thing I would seriously consider over the next while, is if you can genuinely take time to heal and eventually let go of what happened. He royally F'd up, but keeping this over his head for years is not a solution. I for one know I could never stay solely for the reason I could never find forgiveness in my heart for such a betrayal. That doesn't mean you won't be able to or shouldn't.


Good luck OP, just know whatever decision you make is yours alone and don't feel shame for choosing one over the other.