I’m married and I have developed feelings for a friend

[Anonymous]

Pretty simple. Your spouse isn't giving you something you want - emotion. So, your imagination has replaced that hope with someone else. Happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6 pages of lambasting the OP who has not cheated on her husband. She didn't say the other guy is interested in her sexually. They've had conversations in group settings. Her husband's disinterest, dismissiveness, and narcissistic tendencies is concerning. Unless there's more that OP isn't saying, she's entitled to her feelings for the reasons she's stated.

You all judge and comment from a place of fear. You monopolize the relationship forums and as a result, men don't comment often. Their perspective from a husband's point of view could help, but they won't swim in toxic waters.

You are right about that. Safety first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, ignore all of the posters who are shaming you. You've done nothing wrong. Feelings are feelings. It isn't like you are seeking out opportunities to be alone with this other guy.

You have expressed your needs to your husband, and for now, he doesn't see a problem and seems unwilling to address it.

Personally, the best course of action is just to let things sit for a while. While you shouldn't seek out opportunities to be alone with the guy, I disagree with PPs. I don't think you should avoid him. If it is an infatuation, avoiding him, resisting the feelings will actually only make them grow.

The best course of action is to make sure you only see the guy in group situations. That will help keep you out of situations in which you might be tempted to do something you'll regret later.

Let yourself fantasize a little bit. It's actually okay to do that. And letting yourself do that may help these feelings to actually kind of dissipate over time as you get bored with that specific fantasy.

Meanwhile, don't take any actual action either way. Don't do anything with the crush guy. But also, back off a bit with your husband. He isn't hearing you, even though you are clearly telling him your needs are not being met. Let him see that you aren't going to beg him to give you the connection you need in a relationship. In my experience, the way men operate is that they don't make changes unless and until they feel there will be consequences. It's a shame because, honestly, in many cases, women let men know things are going downhill or that they feel neglected or whatever. Men don't think it's a big deal and ignore it until it can't be fixed, until the disconnection is so big that there's no filling the gap.

But part of that is because women try too hard to get men to hear them, notice them. Men interpret that effort as meaning that the women are so needy, they won't leave.

Sadly, men respond more if you start making yourself unavailable to them. Not just unavailable when they don't mind (like going out with friends when he wants to do something else anyhow), but unavailable when he does mind (like when he finally does want your affection, attention, etc.).

Then he'll get the clue, and you can have the conversation again about working on the marriage.

Meanwhile, don't be afraid of daydreaming or fantasy. Just be disciplined when it comes to actual actions.

Your imagination, your feelings are your own. Don't let anyone on DCUM tell you what you can and can't fantasize. Just know your own boundaries about what situations may cause you to not have complete, rational control over your actions, and avoid those situations.

It's only not a problem to you because she's a woman. You'd have a very different response if it was man. Multiple people have said fantasy and crushes are normal, OP has moved beyond that into danger territory.

Men do it ALL of the time. In fact, I would bet cash money that 99 percent of married men have fantasized about a woman they know. My response would be the same for a man. And my advice was very clear to OP. I told her not to seek out one on one time with the guy. If they are having conversations about past relationships IN A GROUP, I don't see a problem. But I was very clear that she should not pursue things with this guy, that he's a crush, but she needs to keep from putting herself in awkward situations.

Actions are what matter. People can have fantasies. They can talk to people in groups. I don't see anything wrong even with talking to him about past relationships. It's not like they're talking about sex. I believe in monogamy. But I think that policing thoughts, being harsh about fantasies, actually makes monogamy harder. It's all about actions. And the best way to get over a crush is to just to ride it out without acting on it. But avoiding the guy is actually only going to make the crush stronger. That was my point.

My other point was that this isn't about the crush or the guy. It seems clear to me that she is having problems in her marriage, that she isn't getting any emotional connection from her husband. And it sounds to me like she has raised the issue with him, but he isn't hearing her. That's the real problem here -- not that OP talked to some guy about past relationships.

And my response would be exactly the same for a man who has raised with his wife that he's unhappy but only to be pooh-poohed by the wife. No, I don't think OP should have an affair. But I think you all are being too hard on her. It's pretty clear to me that she is lonely in her marriage, and she has told her husband that, and he doesn't seem to care.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks for your comments.

Yes I have thought about divorce before now, before developing a crush on/feelings for this person. DH and I have had ups and downs, over the last few years especially, much of which centered on how little he did with kids and around the house, and a couple of those times I mentioned going to therapy which he declined. But, during those downs/fights/bad times we still maintained an emotional/love connection in the good moments. Last year that changed and dealing with the other things felt that much more challenging without emotionally connecting. I brought up that lack of connection two times a couple months apart, and suggested therapy which he again declined. At that point I was just tired of talking about it and initiating all the conversation about us, so I just stopped.

After some more of that I think I started to get used to feeling more like a roommate with DH, thinking that nothing would change and thinking about my options as far as divorce and custody were concerned, but waffling on what would be right for the kids and whether this was just a phase or whether I could adjust to the relationship circumstances. Then when I spent time with this person it put a much finer point on what it had felt like to be without that conversation, connection, shared experience, etc.

At first I thought my interest was just a symptom of my issues with DH, as people have pointed out, but it has also ballooned into something that feels like more than that. It has been growing and occupying a lot of brain space and it’s been hard to disentangle these infatuation feelings from what it represents/may represent about my relationship and whether it’s worth staying in.

I have absolutely no idea if this person is even interested in me in any way beyond being occasionally nice to chat with, so the comments about his moral compass because he would “go for” a married woman are not really relevant. We have been in the same group hangout maybe 10-12 times over the last year, sometimes with DH present. It’s absolutely possible he would want nothing to do with some divorcee with two kids who is 5+ years older than he is. And even if he were interested I recognize that years down the line there could be similar issues, and/or that his interest has little to do with whether I should pursue a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for 10 years, with my DH for 16 years, two elementary aged kids. I have growing feelings for a friend, more like a friend’s friend, and it’s all I can think about. The friend’s friend is single. In January when I had this realization I thought it was a silly crush after some group hangouts where we talked one on one a lot and really connected, but it’s been months and I think about him constantly. All I can think about is when I am able to see him again, what it would be like to be with him in a relationship, I imagine us having sex, I’ve envisioned him being a stepparent to my kids for gods sake.

I don’t know how to shake these feelings, it feels ridiculous but also, not? I think my feelings for DH were waning well before this and this person kind of snuck into my heart a bit. My logical side is trying to tell me that I’m seeking out an emotional connection where it is lacking with DH, but even after months quarantined with DH I feel more drawn to this person. I’ve not felt this way about anyone since dating my DH which seems absolutely ridiculous to say but that is how it feels.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Did you just...give it time and hope it goes away?

I'm dealing with the same issues. I really like this friend, so much it hurts and the feeling is mutual. But what I keep in mind is that an an affair will always end badly. It will create nothing but pain. Me and my friend came very close to doing something we shouldn't, and I asked myself, do I want to hurt them? Am I using them for the way they make me feel, not because I actually care about them? Do I want to hurt my partner? Is it worth humiliating them like that? Work on your relationship. If its time to end it, than end it, but don't end it over an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for 10 years, with my DH for 16 years, two elementary aged kids. I have growing feelings for a friend, more like a friend’s friend, and it’s all I can think about. The friend’s friend is single. In January when I had this realization I thought it was a silly crush after some group hangouts where we talked one on one a lot and really connected, but it’s been months and I think about him constantly. All I can think about is when I am able to see him again, what it would be like to be with him in a relationship, I imagine us having sex, I’ve envisioned him being a stepparent to my kids for gods sake.

I don’t know how to shake these feelings, it feels ridiculous but also, not? I think my feelings for DH were waning well before this and this person kind of snuck into my heart a bit. My logical side is trying to tell me that I’m seeking out an emotional connection where it is lacking with DH, but even after months quarantined with DH I feel more drawn to this person. I’ve not felt this way about anyone since dating my DH which seems absolutely ridiculous to say but that is how it feels.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Did you just...give it time and hope it goes away?

I'm dealing with the same issues. I really like this friend, so much it hurts and the feeling is mutual. But what I keep in mind is that an an affair will always end badly. It will create nothing but pain. Me and my friend came very close to doing something we shouldn't, and I asked myself, do I want to hurt them? Am I using them for the way they make me feel, not because I actually care about them? Do I want to hurt my partner? Is it worth humiliating them like that? Work on your relationship. If its time to end it, than end it, but don't end it over an affair.

Affairs cause incredible devastation. They blow up families.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written almost everything you wrote. In my logical brain, I have decided:
- this is about dissatisfaction with my marriage not about the object of my infatuation. I need to figure the marriage out first. There is no way to know if the other guy would be a good partner and the answer to the first question should be the right one regardless of that.
- having an affair would be a cowardly escape route that I would deeply regret and that would be incredibly hurtful and end terribly.
Yet my lizard brain won’t stop thinking about this man. I thought quarantine would help but it hasn’t. I lose sleep frequently thinking about him/us. What to do about that? I don’t have a clue.
Sorry... I offer empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for your comments.

Yes I have thought about divorce before now, before developing a crush on/feelings for this person. DH and I have had ups and downs, over the last few years especially, much of which centered on how little he did with kids and around the house, and a couple of those times I mentioned going to therapy which he declined. But, during those downs/fights/bad times we still maintained an emotional/love connection in the good moments. Last year that changed and dealing with the other things felt that much more challenging without emotionally connecting. I brought up that lack of connection two times a couple months apart, and suggested therapy which he again declined. At that point I was just tired of talking about it and initiating all the conversation about us, so I just stopped.

After some more of that I think I started to get used to feeling more like a roommate with DH, thinking that nothing would change and thinking about my options as far as divorce and custody were concerned, but waffling on what would be right for the kids and whether this was just a phase or whether I could adjust to the relationship circumstances. Then when I spent time with this person it put a much finer point on what it had felt like to be without that conversation, connection, shared experience, etc.

At first I thought my interest was just a symptom of my issues with DH, as people have pointed out, but it has also ballooned into something that feels like more than that. It has been growing and occupying a lot of brain space and it’s been hard to disentangle these infatuation feelings from what it represents/may represent about my relationship and whether it’s worth staying in.

I have absolutely no idea if this person is even interested in me in any way beyond being occasionally nice to chat with, so the comments about his moral compass because he would “go for” a married woman are not really relevant. We have been in the same group hangout maybe 10-12 times over the last year, sometimes with DH present. It’s absolutely possible he would want nothing to do with some divorcee with two kids who is 5+ years older than he is. And even if he were interested I recognize that years down the line there could be similar issues, and/or that his interest has little to do with whether I should pursue a divorce.

Next time you're alone with him, drop to your knees and unbuckle his belt. You'll know straight away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with everyone who says its infatuation and you need to pull your head out of your ass.

If tomorrow you were struck with cancer or covid (badly) or something equally devastating - its your DH who would be looking after you and your kids, not this dude.

You need to grow up and fast. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

So stick it out with someone b/c you might get sick. Look, I agree OP needs to look at her existing relationship, not this guy she's into, but the argument you should stick it out with someone because things could go bad at any moment is weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with everyone who says its infatuation and you need to pull your head out of your ass.

If tomorrow you were struck with cancer or covid (badly) or something equally devastating - its your DH who would be looking after you and your kids, not this dude.

You need to grow up and fast. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

So stick it out with someone b/c you might get sick. Look, I agree OP needs to look at her existing relationship, not this guy she's into, but the argument you should stick it out with someone because things could go bad at any moment is weak.

No. You have interpreted this stupidly. What it means is - you know who cares for you really, when the shit hits the fan. Like when you're seriously ill and they stick around and care for you. But you don't get this, because you are immature and well, dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have absolutely no idea if this person is even interested in me in any way beyond being occasionally nice to chat with, so the comments about his moral compass because he would “go for” a married woman are not really relevant. We have been in the same group hangout maybe 10-12 times over the last year, sometimes with DH present. It’s absolutely possible he would want nothing to do with some divorcee with two kids who is 5+ years older than he is. And even if he were interested I recognize that years down the line there could be similar issues, and/or that his interest has little to do with whether I should pursue a divorce.

Next time you're alone with him, drop to your knees and unbuckle his belt. You'll know straight away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written almost everything you wrote. In my logical brain, I have decided:
- this is about dissatisfaction with my marriage not about the object of my infatuation. I need to figure the marriage out first. There is no way to know if the other guy would be a good partner and the answer to the first question should be the right one regardless of that.
- having an affair would be a cowardly escape route that I would deeply regret and that would be incredibly hurtful and end terribly.
Yet my lizard brain won’t stop thinking about this man. I thought quarantine would help but it hasn’t. I lose sleep frequently thinking about him/us. What to do about that? I don’t have a clue.
Sorry... I offer empathy.

Thank you. Your response really resonated with me as I am finding at very difficult to tamp down these thoughts/feelings. I agree it is in part a symptom of my dissatisfaction in the marriage, but I am not sure what to do next to figure out that bit. DH refuses therapy and especially now when it’s basically all virtual therapy. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Next time you're alone with him, drop to your knees and unbuckle his belt. You'll know straight away.

Yeah, that’s a great test because no man would allow this unless he was in love with the woman.