I’m married and I have developed feelings for a friend

[Anonymous]

Yes, like everybody does ... dumb ass.

Don't do it and get therapy to find out why you will blow up your children's life for your own selfish needs.

Also, until you get therapy stay away from the friend of a friend.

Geez are you 12?

[Anonymous]

Look up limerance. Sounds like you are rewriting history a bit now that this guy is in the picture. Read on survivinginfidelity.com - look at posts by people who have been cheated on and those who cheated. The cheaters invariably follow a script (cheaters all rewrite history, etc), and when they get distance from the person they “had feelings” for, they invariably recognize it was way more about how that person made them feel than it was about the person.

[Anonymous]

OP here, we have never hung out one on one, only in group situations but a few times have had side conversations that were one on one. We have not seen one another for months, just some group zoom calls and group texts.

I have told DH a couple times last year — when I knew this person but did not have feelings for him — that I thought we had lost some emotional connection. I suggested therapy a couple different times and DH does not want to go to therapy. He said he thinks we just have “different interests” and schedules that that’s okay.

I said I needed us to have more connection even just at home, sit together, watch tv, read, eat together, no need to even go out given his fitness stuff etc, but his routine (and mindset) is rigid. You would think quarantine would’ve helped us have more time together but for example, he goes to bed early and I go to bed very late because I am always catching up on work.

I have had daydreams/thoughts of being in therapy with DH and having DH say he had an affair, and it didn’t even feel sad to me. 10 months ago and before then that thought would have made me tear up and feel anxious and imagine how devaststated I would have been.

I guess I am confused whether I have these feelings because I’m trying to fill the DH void and still want to be with DH, or if I have really fallen out of love with DH. It feels kind of like after losing that connection, and trying to repair it but getting rejected/no therapy, I resigned myself to being in a relationship without that, or we went about our life without me realizing I see DH more as a friend without that emotional loving connecting. Then seeing this other person in a certain way makes me feel that I am missing something important in my relationship with DH that I deserve, and my heart is doubling down on that.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with realizing that 16 years is a long-haul. OP shared that she had suggested counseling to which DH demurred. Honestly, OP, crushes are normal and fun, they are the spice in life. But, be aware that you may make a choice that you could later regret or not regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of married people have these feelings and thoughts at some point. Why do you think affairs are so common?

I would dial it back though, especially being alone with him when alcohol are involved. He will probably sleep with you if you give him the chance. If he is attractive and single, he isn't going to be with you long term, he has other options, harsh but true.

Plus, based upon your minimal interactions up to now...you only know the good parts. He undoubtedly has character flaws, annoying habits, all kinds of negatives that do not come across during superficial banter. Perhaps ask your friend why he is available, and you might get an earful. BUT you do not want to hint to that friend that you have a crush.

Try picturing him doing boring husband stuff, and think of some of your husband's qualities that shine. Is your husband a great dad? Super reliable? Would he care for you if sick?

Try to think about deep, longterm stuff. AND try to share with your husband that you think you guys are losing your spark (you don't have to say why you think that). Ask what you might consider to get it back. Tell him what you love about him and work together on new/fun avenues to explore together (picnics? hobbies? projects? trips for the future? hotels to try?) Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Start with your own therapy and see if that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we have never hung out one on one, only in group situations but a few times have had side conversations that were one on one. We have not seen one another for months, just some group zoom calls and group texts.

I have told DH a couple times last year — when I knew this person but did not have feelings for him — that I thought we had lost some emotional connection. I suggested therapy a couple different times and DH does not want to go to therapy. He said he thinks we just have “different interests” and schedules that that’s okay.

I said I needed us to have more connection even just at home, sit together, watch tv, read, eat together, no need to even go out given his fitness stuff etc, but his routine (and mindset) is rigid. You would think quarantine would’ve helped us have more time together but for example, he goes to bed early and I go to bed very late because I am always catching up on work.

I have had daydreams/thoughts of being in therapy with DH and having DH say he had an affair, and it didn’t even feel sad to me. 10 months ago and before then that thought would have made me tear up and feel anxious and imagine how devaststated I would have been.

I guess I am confused whether I have these feelings because I’m trying to fill the DH void and still want to be with DH, or if I have really fallen out of love with DH. It feels kind of like after losing that connection, and trying to repair it but getting rejected/no therapy, I resigned myself to being in a relationship without that, or we went about our life without me realizing I see DH more as a friend without that emotional loving connecting. Then seeing this other person in a certain way makes me feel that I am missing something important in my relationship with DH that I deserve, and my heart is doubling down on that.

Of course he is not responsive because you are approaching it like he's the problem and it's all his fault and he's the only one that needs to make any effort and change. That doesn't work.
Therapy is great, but it's not the only way to right the ship, it's especially not the tool for you to blae your husband for everything wrong.

You say you want change, but seem to want him to do all the changing.

You want to go together, go to bed when he does.

You want to watch TV together, sit down and watch the show, so long as watch a show doesn't code for I'm going to turn it into a test to see if he'll hold my hand and make out with me.

Go to therapy yourself, you need it.


And as has been said many times to you, stop being around this man and zoom or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of married people have these feelings and thoughts at some point. Why do you think affairs are so common?

I would dial it back though, especially being alone with him when alcohol are involved. He will probably sleep with you if you give him the chance. If he is attractive and single, he isn't going to be with you long term, he has other options, harsh but true.

Plus, based upon your minimal interactions up to now...you only know the good parts. He undoubtedly has character flaws, annoying habits, all kinds of negatives that do not come across during superficial banter. Perhaps ask your friend why he is available, and you might get an earful. BUT you do not want to hint to that friend that you have a crush.

Try picturing him doing boring husband stuff, and think of some of your husband's qualities that shine. Is your husband a great dad? Super reliable? Would he care for you if sick?

Try to think about deep, longterm stuff. AND try to share with your husband that you think you guys are losing your spark (you don't have to say why you think that). Ask what you might consider to get it back. Tell him what you love about him and work together on new/fun avenues to explore together (picnics? hobbies? projects? trips for the future? hotels to try?) Good luck.

That part. Try to find the positive and shar ewhat you like about him.

As for your crush, if he's late 30s or 40s, and single iit's very likely he's not as great in relationships as you inagine him to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look up limerance. Sounds like you are rewriting history a bit now that this guy is in the picture. Read on survivinginfidelity.com - look at posts by people who have been cheated on and those who cheated. The cheaters invariably follow a script (cheaters all rewrite history, etc), and when they get distance from the person they “had feelings” for, they invariably recognize it was way more about how that person made them feel than it was about the person.

Yup, this goes beyond a harmless crush. OP is rewriting history, casting this man as her children's stepfather, making excuses, making up stories about how she's justified because she's dreamed DH is having an affair, without a shred of evidence, and most importantly she admits that these issues have only been present since her obsession with her friend began.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, like everybody does ... dumb ass.

Don't do it and get therapy to find out why you will blow up your children's life for your own selfish needs.

Also, until you get therapy stay away from the friend of a friend.

Geez are you 12?

Pretty much this. And before anyone says this is too harsh, all you " it's no big deal folks" would be singing a drastically different tune if it was a DH who posted what OP has.

[Anonymous]

I proposed therapy because each time I would bring up my feelings about being disconnected or other issues, he would be very surprised and say that he has felt everything is fine and even that things are going well. So I thought therapy might help us communicate better about these things and understand we we had such different assessment of our relationship. Can therapy not be good for that? I don’t expect it to solve all our problems but at the very least, one of us thinks there are problems and one does not which makes it hard to make any changes/progress.

I think it is easier said than done to “just” do those things together. For instance he goes to bed by 9 — our kids barely go to bed by then. After putting them to bed there are often other things to do around the house to get settled for the night. Since COVID that has been catching up on work that I can’t get done when the kids are here during the day. He spends a great deal of time watching tv on his own — for example watches when he eats and his schedule is odd because of whatever nutrition and fitness plans he is on. eg he eats dinner at 3p.

I have considered individual therapy and did some TalkSpace for a couple months at a point during homeschooling and quarantine that I felt very overwhelmed. This week I started a search for a therapist to begin seeing in person because I agree, I think that couldn’t hurt. At the least it will give me a place to talk about these things.

And PP you have the timeline incorrect but I’m not sure it would change your interpretation of the situation anyway so that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

I will lookup limerance and surviving infidelity.

In my conversations with this person I learned that he dated someone for 7 or 8 years who he wanted to marry, but she allegedly didn’t want to take that step because she said he works/ed too much. He brought that up on his own in those conversations, though I don’t remember precisely how it came up. Obviously that is his retelling and could be completely false or at least exaggerated in his own mind.

I have imagined him in the unavoidable longterm situations that have been suggested like farting, having an argument, working too much (see above), etc. That is how my brain went to the “stepparent” thing — I was trying to play out how tough long term situations would be if this actually went much further. I’ve tried to imagine how it would be if DH and I split up and how it would be trying to coparent the kids separately, etc. Of course I fully recognize it’s hard to really picture those things when you haven’t been in those situations.

[Anonymous]

NP here.

OP, ignore all of the posters who are shaming you. You've done nothing wrong. Feelings are feelings. It isn't like you are seeking out opportunities to be alone with this other guy.

You have expressed your needs to your husband, and for now, he doesn't see a problem and seems unwilling to address it.

Personally, the best course of action is just to let things sit for a while. While you shouldn't seek out opportunities to be alone with the guy, I disagree with PPs. I don't think you should avoid him. If it is an infatuation, avoiding him, resisting the feelings will actually only make them grow.

The best course of action is to make sure you only see the guy in group situations. That will help keep you out of situations in which you might be tempted to do something you'll regret later.

Let yourself fantasize a little bit. It's actually okay to do that. And letting yourself do that may help these feelings to actually kind of dissipate over time as you get bored with that specific fantasy.

Meanwhile, don't take any actual action either way. Don't do anything with the crush guy. But also, back off a bit with your husband. He isn't hearing you, even though you are clearly telling him your needs are not being met. Let him see that you aren't going to beg him to give you the connection you need in a relationship. In my experience, the way men operate is that they don't make changes unless and until they feel there will be consequences. It's a shame because, honestly, in many cases, women let men know things are going downhill or that they feel neglected or whatever. Men don't think it's a big deal and ignore it until it can't be fixed, until the disconnection is so big that there's no filling the gap.

But part of that is because women try too hard to get men to hear them, notice them. Men interpret that effort as meaning that the women are so needy, they won't leave.

Sadly, men respond more if you start making yourself unavailable to them. Not just unavailable when they don't mind (like going out with friends when he wants to do something else anyhow), but unavailable when he does mind (like when he finally does want your affection, attention, etc.).

Then he'll get the clue, and you can have the conversation again about working on the marriage.

Meanwhile, don't be afraid of daydreaming or fantasy. Just be disciplined when it comes to actual actions.

Your imagination, your feelings are your own. Don't let anyone on DCUM tell you what you can and can't fantasize. Just know your own boundaries about what situations may cause you to not have complete, rational control over your actions, and avoid those situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I proposed therapy because each time I would bring up my feelings about being disconnected or other issues, he would be very surprised and say that he has felt everything is fine and even that things are going well. So I thought therapy might help us communicate better about these things and understand we we had such different assessment of our relationship. Can therapy not be good for that? I don’t expect it to solve all our problems but at the very least, one of us thinks there are problems and one does not which makes it hard to make any changes/progress.

I think it is easier said than done to “just” do those things together. For instance he goes to bed by 9 — our kids barely go to bed by then. After putting them to bed there are often other things to do around the house to get settled for the night. Since COVID that has been catching up on work that I can’t get done when the kids are here during the day. He spends a great deal of time watching tv on his own — for example watches when he eats and his schedule is odd because of whatever nutrition and fitness plans he is on. eg he eats dinner at 3p.

I have considered individual therapy and did some TalkSpace for a couple months at a point during homeschooling and quarantine that I felt very overwhelmed. This week I started a search for a therapist to begin seeing in person because I agree, I think that couldn’t hurt. At the least it will give me a place to talk about these things.

And PP you have the timeline incorrect but I’m not sure it would change your interpretation of the situation anyway so that’s fine.

Excuses. Sometimes we first have to be the change we want to see. Chores can wait. Work can wait. You were the one who brought up watching TV with him, go sit with him one of those times. Msybe strt by finding out what nutrition plan is.

Therapy can work, but you have to be able to work, not throw up walls and excuses.


The timeline pp used might be wrong, but they are absolutely correct that the idealization of your crush as making things worse with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, ignore all of the posters who are shaming you. You've done nothing wrong. Feelings are feelings. It isn't like you are seeking out opportunities to be alone with this other guy.

You have expressed your needs to your husband, and for now, he doesn't see a problem and seems unwilling to address it.

Personally, the best course of action is just to let things sit for a while. While you shouldn't seek out opportunities to be alone with the guy, I disagree with PPs. I don't think you should avoid him. If it is an infatuation, avoiding him, resisting the feelings will actually only make them grow.

The best course of action is to make sure you only see the guy in group situations. That will help keep you out of situations in which you might be tempted to do something you'll regret later.

Let yourself fantasize a little bit. It's actually okay to do that. And letting yourself do that may help these feelings to actually kind of dissipate over time as you get bored with that specific fantasy.

Meanwhile, don't take any actual action either way. Don't do anything with the crush guy. But also, back off a bit with your husband. He isn't hearing you, even though you are clearly telling him your needs are not being met. Let him see that you aren't going to beg him to give you the connection you need in a relationship. In my experience, the way men operate is that they don't make changes unless and until they feel there will be consequences. It's a shame because, honestly, in many cases, women let men know things are going downhill or that they feel neglected or whatever. Men don't think it's a big deal and ignore it until it can't be fixed, until the disconnection is so big that there's no filling the gap.

But part of that is because women try too hard to get men to hear them, notice them. Men interpret that effort as meaning that the women are so needy, they won't leave.

Sadly, men respond more if you start making yourself unavailable to them. Not just unavailable when they don't mind (like going out with friends when he wants to do something else anyhow), but unavailable when he does mind (like when he finally does want your affection, attention, etc.).

Then he'll get the clue, and you can have the conversation again about working on the marriage.

Meanwhile, don't be afraid of daydreaming or fantasy. Just be disciplined when it comes to actual actions.

Your imagination, your feelings are your own. Don't let anyone on DCUM tell you what you can and can't fantasize. Just know your own boundaries about what situations may cause you to not have complete, rational control over your actions, and avoid those situations.

It's only not a problem to you because she's a woman. You'd have a very different response if it was man. Multiple people have said fantasy and crushes are normal, OP has moved beyond that into danger territory.