I’m married and I have developed feelings for a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start with your own therapy and see if that helps.

This. Therapy or talk to your religious advisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I did: I had an affair. Whoops?
What you should do: NOT have an affair. You need to change your behaviors to align with your DH's. Go to bed early, have sex, get up early and do the stuff you normally would do at night then.[/quote]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been married for 10 years, with my DH for 16 years, two elementary aged kids. I have growing feelings for a friend, more like a friend’s friend, and it’s all I can think about. The friend’s friend is single. In January when I had this realization I thought it was a silly crush after some group hangouts where we talked one on one a lot and really connected, but it’s been months and I think about him constantly. All I can think about is when I am able to see him again, what it would be like to be with him in a relationship, I imagine us having sex, I’ve envisioned him being a stepparent to my kids for gods sake.

I don’t know how to shake these feelings, it feels ridiculous but also, not? I think my feelings for DH were waning well before this and this person kind of snuck into my heart a bit. My logical side is trying to tell me that I’m seeking out an emotional connection where it is lacking with DH, but even after months quarantined with DH I feel more drawn to this person. I’ve not felt this way about anyone since dating my DH which seems absolutely ridiculous to say but that is how it feels.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Did you just...give it time and hope it goes away?

do you want to blow up your life? Because if you pursue that that is what will happen. Are you ready to lose custody? Is this guy worth it?

[Anonymous]

This pursuit of pure thoughts is going to lead us down a dark dismal tunnel of manufactured consciousness where the individuality of self will be deprogrammed from our brains and everyone will be carbon copies of June and Ward Cleaver.
Imagination isn’t illegal or immoral.
There’s nothing wrong with imagination.
Stop overreacting thinking it’s a blown fuse to be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This pursuit of pure thoughts is going to lead us down a dark dismal tunnel of manufactured consciousness where the individuality of self will be deprogrammed from our brains and everyone will be carbon copies of June and Ward Cleaver.
Imagination isn’t illegal or immoral.
There’s nothing wrong with imagination.
Stop overreacting thinking it’s a blown fuse to be fixed.

x2. Keep him in mind when you're buzzing one out.

[Anonymous]

OP, who cares? Who cares about your feelings? No one. Including you, you shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for the "it's just a crush, all married people fantasize crowd", do your crushes normally involve quizzing the object of your crush about their current, and past romantic life, and why their last relationship ended?

Maybe I'm strange by my fantasies are typically just that, in my head, thinking about how hot they are.

The only time in my life I quizzed someone I was attracted to about their romantic life was when I was trying to become their girlfriend.

This.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you see if your husband and his wife will each go for an open relationship? Win-Win!

[Anonymous]

First of all, this advice column with a therapist is really relevant to you:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

Also, been there. I have a really overwhelming crush on someone, and have done everything you did -- had graphic fantasies, imagined life with him, the whole bit. The connection escalated --we spent more and more time together, many hours of conversation. We don't text or communicate outside of when we see each other. It's been going on for about 2 years.

We have not had an affair. Both spouses know about the crushes. Everyone is trying to be a grown up about it.

COVID has really helped everyone re-connect with their spouses!

OP, you don't have to decide anything right now. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR with this person. You don't want to do anything that will make you feel shame/guilt, to make you lose respect for yourself. You don't want to have to lie to your family -- it will destroy your soul.

And, you don't want to have an affair with someone in the middle of an infatuation, throw away your marriage, and then find out that your new guy is not actually the one for you. You need time to figure that out.

[Anonymous]

First, op, I’ll believe you when you say your husband is disconnected. He may very well be a bump on a log.

I can’t understand why he would choose to stay home while you go out in mixed company.

Even if he doesn’t want to go, he should go if only to remind the other bulls that he’s also a bull and that you two are a functioning couple.

I doubt this friend would have had one on one conversations with you if your husband had been nearby.
Second, he’s 40, if he wanted kids, he’d have had them by now. He certainly doesn’t want to be a stepdad to yours, he’ll have no legal rights, all the attitude, all of the emotional moments and still not be their dad.

Even if he does want you, you don’t want to play second fiddle to his ex. I can guarantee you that there is more to the story then what he told you. Again, if he wanted to get married, he’d have told the ex “I want to get married, you don’t, good luck”. He wouldn’t have waited six years if marriage was his goal.

The beautiful thing is that he can tell you anything you want to hear and you are believing it. Even if its all true, he doesn’t want to have the life you want with him.

Now onto you. You need to eat and go to bed with your husband. No staying up late. There is something very nice about getting into bed with your spouse and just being physically close ideally naked.

Second, lay off the therapy. If you find or think your husband is gay or addicted to something or has something wrong, therapy is fine. It may help you process some difficult information.

You don’t want to use therapy as a way to essentially call him to the principal’s office.

You do need to sit him down and talk with him about how you feel and what you want. My husband pointed out that even a burger at McDonald’s can be a nice date. He’s right.

Start by sharing the same space as your husband and the same schedule. If nothing changes, then you may need a come-to-Jesus talk.

Deffinately don’t contact the other guy and don’t see him anymore not unless your husband is present.

[Anonymous]

It is not so easy to just share a schedule and space with him. He is very rigid about his routine — what he does in what order and the timing, kids’ and my schedule be damned — he watches shows on his phone, spends most of the day with his headphones in with music or a show or whatever, I can’t get all my work done during the day because the kids are home so I don’t see how PPs think I have any option here than to stay up and finish my work? Doing laundry can wait for instance but work committments can’t, so I’m not sure how to change the situation we’re in as far as schedules. As I said I have hired a sitter to come help with the kids during the day in the hopes I can catchup and not have to stay up so late working.

As far as why he doesn’t/didn’t go out with me to see friends, I guess he would feel pressured to drink when he is abstaining for his nutrition/fitness? He just prefers to be home and do his own thing. See previous about his rigidity. He is more of an introvert and doesn’t like to socialize as much as I do.

I have expressed my needs to which he had little response, verbally or in actions. Because we have these communication circles I suggested therapy which he will not do. I’m not sure why I need to keep doing “the work” here. Yes COVID has made DH and I see one another all the time of course, which has made us talk more, but it feels like speaking to a friend.

I am in my mid to late 30s and my crush or whatever it is is in his early 30s. I did not “quiz” him about his exes contrary to belief of PPs, he brought it up in conversation. As I said I do not recall how it came up. Whether or not he is “out of my league” I don’t know, it’s not like he’s a supermodel — and my attraction to him is only partly physical. In fact I think any physical attraction to him stems predominantly from 1) his attention toward me and 1b) our connection and conversation as a result of that attention.

To the PP who has had a crush for two years, what is the endgame for you? Two years feels like a long time to have these kind of intense feelings without changes in or end to the current relationship?

I do not want to have an affair. I just do not know how to deal with these emotions alone and also with the finer points they have put on my relationship and Problems with my DH. That is why I posted on a random internet board.

[Anonymous]

Move out, give your husband the kids and file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not so easy to just share a schedule and space with him. He is very rigid about his routine — what he does in what order and the timing, kids’ and my schedule be damned — he watches shows on his phone, spends most of the day with his headphones in with music or a show or whatever, I can’t get all my work done during the day because the kids are home so I don’t see how PPs think I have any option here than to stay up and finish my work? Doing laundry can wait for instance but work committments can’t, so I’m not sure how to change the situation we’re in as far as schedules. As I said I have hired a sitter to come help with the kids during the day in the hopes I can catchup and not have to stay up so late working.

As far as why he doesn’t/didn’t go out with me to see friends, I guess he would feel pressured to drink when he is abstaining for his nutrition/fitness? He just prefers to be home and do his own thing. See previous about his rigidity. He is more of an introvert and doesn’t like to socialize as much as I do.

I have expressed my needs to which he had little response, verbally or in actions. Because we have these communication circles I suggested therapy which he will not do. I’m not sure why I need to keep doing “the work” here. Yes COVID has made DH and I see one another all the time of course, which has made us talk more, but it feels like speaking to a friend.

I am in my mid to late 30s and my crush or whatever it is is in his early 30s. I did not “quiz” him about his exes contrary to belief of PPs, he brought it up in conversation. As I said I do not recall how it came up. Whether or not he is “out of my league” I don’t know, it’s not like he’s a supermodel — and my attraction to him is only partly physical. In fact I think any physical attraction to him stems predominantly from 1) his attention toward me and 1b) our connection and conversation as a result of that attention.

To the PP who has had a crush for two years, what is the endgame for you? Two years feels like a long time to have these kind of intense feelings without changes in or end to the current relationship?

I do not want to have an affair. I just do not know how to deal with these emotions alone and also with the finer points they have put on my relationship and Problems with my DH. That is why I posted on a random internet board.

I don't know! That's the point -- you don't have to know yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not so easy to just share a schedule and space with him. He is very rigid about his routine — what he does in what order and the timing, kids’ and my schedule be damned — he watches shows on his phone, spends most of the day with his headphones in with music or a show or whatever, I can’t get all my work done during the day because the kids are home so I don’t see how PPs think I have any option here than to stay up and finish my work? Doing laundry can wait for instance but work committments can’t, so I’m not sure how to change the situation we’re in as far as schedules. As I said I have hired a sitter to come help with the kids during the day in the hopes I can catchup and not have to stay up so late working.

As far as why he doesn’t/didn’t go out with me to see friends, I guess he would feel pressured to drink when he is abstaining for his nutrition/fitness? He just prefers to be home and do his own thing. See previous about his rigidity. He is more of an introvert and doesn’t like to socialize as much as I do.

I have expressed my needs to which he had little response, verbally or in actions. Because we have these communication circles I suggested therapy which he will not do. I’m not sure why I need to keep doing “the work” here. Yes COVID has made DH and I see one another all the time of course, which has made us talk more, but it feels like speaking to a friend.

I am in my mid to late 30s and my crush or whatever it is is in his early 30s. I did not “quiz” him about his exes contrary to belief of PPs, he brought it up in conversation. As I said I do not recall how it came up. Whether or not he is “out of my league” I don’t know, it’s not like he’s a supermodel — and my attraction to him is only partly physical. In fact I think any physical attraction to him stems predominantly from 1) his attention toward me and 1b) our connection and conversation as a result of that attention.

To the PP who has had a crush for two years, what is the endgame for you? Two years feels like a long time to have these kind of intense feelings without changes in or end to the current relationship?

I do not want to have an affair. I just do not know how to deal with these emotions alone and also with the finer points they have put on my relationship and Problems with my DH. That is why I posted on a random internet board.

I don't know! That's the point -- you don't have to know yet.

Yuck!. I feel bad for your respective spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not so easy to just share a schedule and space with him. He is very rigid about his routine — what he does in what order and the timing, kids’ and my schedule be damned — he watches shows on his phone, spends most of the day with his headphones in with music or a show or whatever, I can’t get all my work done during the day because the kids are home so I don’t see how PPs think I have any option here than to stay up and finish my work? Doing laundry can wait for instance but work committments can’t, so I’m not sure how to change the situation we’re in as far as schedules. As I said I have hired a sitter to come help with the kids during the day in the hopes I can catchup and not have to stay up so late working.

As far as why he doesn’t/didn’t go out with me to see friends, I guess he would feel pressured to drink when he is abstaining for his nutrition/fitness? He just prefers to be home and do his own thing. See previous about his rigidity. He is more of an introvert and doesn’t like to socialize as much as I do.

I have expressed my needs to which he had little response, verbally or in actions. Because we have these communication circles I suggested therapy which he will not do. I’m not sure why I need to keep doing “the work” here. Yes COVID has made DH and I see one another all the time of course, which has made us talk more, but it feels like speaking to a friend.

I am in my mid to late 30s and my crush or whatever it is is in his early 30s. I did not “quiz” him about his exes contrary to belief of PPs, he brought it up in conversation. As I said I do not recall how it came up. Whether or not he is “out of my league” I don’t know, it’s not like he’s a supermodel — and my attraction to him is only partly physical. In fact I think any physical attraction to him stems predominantly from 1) his attention toward me and 1b) our connection and conversation as a result of that attention.

To the PP who has had a crush for two years, what is the endgame for you? Two years feels like a long time to have these kind of intense feelings without changes in or end to the current relationship?

I do not want to have an affair. I just do not know how to deal with these emotions alone and also with the finer points they have put on my relationship and Problems with my DH. That is why I posted on a random internet board.

I'm in a very similar situation, right down to the different bedtimes.

For me, a big question has become, what do we, individually, want from marriage? I look at long-lasting marriages in my family. Many of my relatives and their spouses suffered through hard times together-- the Great Depression, World Wars, poverty, the birth of 6, 8 children, children dying, cancer, you name it. I wonder if some of these people had the mental bandwidth for crushes or affairs. Would they even have cared if their spouse had a crush? Maintaining the home and family was the purpose of it all.

None of them ever lived alone. They had no idea how to pay rent alone, run a household alone, find friends alone, travel alone. Most only had a hobby or two. Marriage was a way to fit into their communities, and to survive. And religion played HUGE part in keeping them together. Marriage was the foundation of everything for them. In their world, if you didn't marry, something was off. Maybe gay? Mentally ill?

In 2020, I think we expect a lot more from marriage. We want all of that and then some. And we have the means to get out of bad ones if we have to (we'd just have to pay the social price, such as shunning from family, disappointing parents, friends dropping off but I think even these days, that price isn't really that high anymore). If you're 35, you're educated, have a good job, have savings, and you're married to someone you have no deep connection to and therapy does nothing or brings that lack of connection to the forefront, then why stay for another 30 years? Does everyone have to work on fixing something and keep a lackluster marriage going for decades more?

So, OP, you're in your 30s. Can you do this for 30 more years, or more? Do you feel it will work out? Do you want it to? Is divorce the most devastating thing you can imagine ever happening?